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Original poster

does my 3yo need to go to pre-school or not?

186 replies

daisybo · 28/05/2007 19:31

have also posted this on the childcare boards, just wondered if anyone had kept their lo at home with them full time until they started school?
is there anyone who didn't send their little one to any kind of childcare and then when they started school were they ok? my ds is 3 and due to start at pre-school in september but i don't really want him to go and he doesn't want to go either! should i send him so he gets used to spending time away from mummy in preparation for school next year or would he be ok if he stays at home til he starts school? i don't want him to miss out on mixing with other children and making friends but i don't want to force him to go when neither him nor i really want him to go iyswim!
should prob add he has never been in any kind of childcare, not been left with anyone except mummy, daddy and occasionally grandad!
what do you think i should do? what would be best for him? he is only just 3 btw, so a young one for his year.

OP posts:
Zog · 28/05/2007 22:54

Well I guess if you think that pre-schools are one step away from Hell, then nothing anyone says is going to sway you!

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:55

well it's your decision of course pucca based on what was right for your child, just like it is the OP's decision. but just because it is your decision doesn't mean it is right for everyone's child.
there is a choice. like I said, just because evreyone is doing it, doesn't mean it is the right thing to do.

colditz · 28/05/2007 22:55

Yes, Pucca, that was my son. Not Bothered. He's go with anyone, still would.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:55

er Zog are you talking to me?

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:56

Harpsi...Does your child/ or children go to nursery then? did they not get upset at all?

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:57

my dd1 is at preschool and has been since she was two and a half.
my dd2 has her name down for preschool to start at the same time.
dd2 happily stays in a creche occasionally she has never been upset and happily stays with a child minder.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:58

pucca, like I said earlier in the thread: dd1 got upset a couple of times. not in the first week, but maybe the third time I took her? I stayed with her until she calmed down. on one occasion I took her home because she was still crying after about half an hour.

Zog · 28/05/2007 22:59

No, Franny. I don't think they're bad places, on the whole.

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:59

I agree pucca every child is different

some waltz in age 2, and some like your brother may not be ready at 5

I described what happened with my ds earlier. I didn't try to send him until I felt he was ready, or nearly ready, and then I took about 2 - 3 months gradually settling him in with visits and so on and building up to the full nursery session. No he didn't become upset, except on one occasion after I had gone. I checked back in to see if he was ok and they said he had been a bit upset, so I took him home. I always told him I wouldn't leave him if he didn't want me to, so there was never any need for him to be left crying.

He cried the other week when it was time to be dropped off, so we didn't leave him. Everyone has an off day or a day when they need extra care. I know this is a luxury that working parents can't usually afford but it seems to me we are talking about SAH parents here. Why would you want to leave your child somewhere that they don't want to be?

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:59

Well like i said, i am obviously doing something very wrong for my dd to get upset at me leaving her for the first time.

Now obviously if your child is used to being with different people from a young age then that is a complete other matter entirely, but for a 3 yo who has never been out of my sight i think at what ever stage my dd would get upset, whether it be she was left at a pre school or a friends house, "big" school...where ever.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 23:00

oh and I am on the committee of the local preschool. just for the record

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 23:00

Zog I am not sure where you think I have said that preschools are one step away from Hell. My son attends a preschool. I think you may be slightly confused?

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 23:02

Pucca, my ds would also be extremely upset if left with people he didn't know. I think this is entirely normal. This is why I think people should leave preschool until their children are more confident about being left with people who aren't close family members, and then settle them in as gently as they need, without leaving them to cry if at all possible. I think that is the most pleasant way for all concerned.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 23:03

pucca, what I am saying is you HAVEN'T done anything wrong.
I had NEVER left my dd1 with anyone before.
and she DID get upset. I think it is perfectly normal.
and no I didn't leave her to cry. I went at her own pace.
some children get more upset than others not because you have done something wrong, but because that is just the way they are. I think we just disagree about the way to approach that. I don't think it is the right thing to do to let those children get very upset. I think a much gentler approach is needed. maybe even a different environment.
you have not failed because your child doesn't thrive immediately in what is, frankly, a very unnatural and often overwhelming environment.

pucca · 28/05/2007 23:03

It was literally 1 or 2 times my dd was a little upset, certainly not screaming the place down, and as i said the teacher assured me if she wasnt to settle and she carried on being upset she would phone me straight away, i still stick to my opinion of if i had pulled her out she would have missed out on so much, and if i had stayed more times than i already did it would just have prolonged it.

ENTP · 28/05/2007 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 23:06

no-one is saying you made the wrong decision pucca. it sounds like your dd is very bonded to you and has a very strong attachment to you. in your shoes, I would be very proud

Zog · 28/05/2007 23:08

Um, I was joking, sorry. Maybe I should have put a

I'm very impressed that people are so patient with their toddlers - don't yours ever change their minds? Do you never get this, for example?:

me: here we are at nursery, out we get!

child: but I don't want to go! I want to go home!

me: oh OK, you don't have to go, we'll go home then

....

me: here we are at home, out we get!

child: but I want to go to nursery!

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 23:09

Pucca the only reason I wanted to discuss what you said you had done with your dd is that you said YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THEM TO CRY, because THEY ALL DO IT, &c

this is the part I disagree with

I don't think there is anything odd with your dd not wanting to be left or with the fact that she wasn't instantly happy. This thread also seems to be turning a bit circular. I am sorry if anything I have said has given the impression that your dd should have been able to skip in without a backward glance - that isn't what I'm saying at all.

twentypence · 28/05/2007 23:12

Ds has never got upset - went to preschool at 20 months. There was no reason for him to go, but he loved it. He has never cried, or wanted me to stay.

He's now at Kindy 5 mornings a week - I was very anti kindy when he was a baby, but he loves it, has a best friend (just to prove that he didn't cry because he has an attachment disorder ), plays in their enormous sandpit etc. Every morning he puts his snack in the basket and then says "you can go now mummy".

But daisybo - if he loved it and then you pointed out his sister couldn't come too - you did kind of ruin it for him by peeing on his bonfire.

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 23:12

Zog yes next time if it is a joke say JOKE loudly. Then we might get it

Erm I am not patient with things like wanting to have "the big cake, no the little one, no the big one waaaaaaaah", or wanting to walk all the way to town backwards, or wanting to wear the brown shoes and the red shoes both at the same time, not really

but I AM patient with things that I deem to be fairly important, like Needing to Feel Safe, etc

pucca · 28/05/2007 23:16

That makes me sound a cold horrible bitch though, it is down to personal opinion but yes i do think it happens very frequently is what i am saying, for instance i remember thinking it was just my dd who was like this (talking about when she was VERY upset when she was 2.6yo) and i even remember starting a thread about it, and even alot of MN'ers said "my ds/dd was like this".

I think we just have to agree to disagree, as i said alot depends on the child.

All i want to say to the OP, is i was in a similar situation, my dd has never even been left with grandparents...nothing,and yes i do feel she has benefitted completely from going to pre school.

Zog · 28/05/2007 23:20

I think sometimes the tears can be similar to a big cake/little cake scenario though, they don't always signify great emotional stress.

pucca · 28/05/2007 23:21

Zog...I agree, especially when you walk away and peep around the corner and they are giggling and playing 2 mins after crying because you are leaving them.

Springadora · 28/05/2007 23:33
  1. all children are different and you need to factor that in - some love nursery, some cry at the point of separation and then get on with it, some are not always happy there even long after you have gone. You won't know which one your child is until you try it
  2. ask yourself why you think your child should be there and remember that it is also legitimate for you to need it for yourself
  3. they are at school for a very long time - you do not need to hasten this experience
  4. putting kids into pre-school is a very modern phenomenon. Do not feel pressured by what others are doing
  5. all of mine have been reluctant to leave the nest. It's just their way. I am in exactly the same dilemma as you with my youngest and was thinking of making the same post - so thank you! Thank you really, as I was feeling a real wimp and now I feel better.