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Original poster

does my 3yo need to go to pre-school or not?

186 replies

daisybo · 28/05/2007 19:31

have also posted this on the childcare boards, just wondered if anyone had kept their lo at home with them full time until they started school?
is there anyone who didn't send their little one to any kind of childcare and then when they started school were they ok? my ds is 3 and due to start at pre-school in september but i don't really want him to go and he doesn't want to go either! should i send him so he gets used to spending time away from mummy in preparation for school next year or would he be ok if he stays at home til he starts school? i don't want him to miss out on mixing with other children and making friends but i don't want to force him to go when neither him nor i really want him to go iyswim!
should prob add he has never been in any kind of childcare, not been left with anyone except mummy, daddy and occasionally grandad!
what do you think i should do? what would be best for him? he is only just 3 btw, so a young one for his year.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 09:18

daisybo - I'm sure that you will be able to settle your DS in to pre-school very gently. No decent pre-school wants it to be a traumatic experience, quite the contrary.

As to other opinions on this thread, I also think that feelings about when children should start pre-school might also depend on how the spend the rest of their time. I can quite see that children who are already spending part of their time with a nanny and part with parents might in some ways need "less" school, or school a bit later - I don't particularly go along with the idea that small children should have too many changes of carer during the day/week as it gets confusing for them.

NKF · 29/05/2007 09:21

There's no need to leave him screaming. A good pre-school wouldn't want to see that either. Many of them go in for parents stay and then gradually withdraw, pretty much on the child's terms.

As I said before, in terms of child development, it's a long time till September.

Judy1234 · 29/05/2007 09:26

It's amusing because it's stay at home mothers leaving children which they criticise me at leaving a baby to go back to work. It's the same separation from mother and whether that's bad issue and when it stops being psychologically damaging (not that it is if you have good childcare) and when it's better for the child to have other people it relates to and when that magic age occurs.

Some parents never even send their children to school and many a man lives with their mother into their 50s.

Clary · 29/05/2007 09:30

OK have read the thread now.

Daisybo, of course if you plan Home Ed then it's another story altogether.

BUT if you are going to send him to school, whatever we may think about the rights and wrongs of sending children full-time at 4, that is what we do in this country. Personally I think it helps children if they have some pre-school experience, rather than being flung straight in to full-time school with one teacher and 30 kids.

Yes, years ago there was no pre-school, I didn't do any, but it's there now, and worth taking advantage of IMO. Also most of the other kids will have done it. Our figure of 11 out of 80 having none is extraordinarily high.

Any good nursery will let you stay with him for as many sessions as you and he need to (ours certainly does) and withdraw gradulally etc etc. Why not go and have a chat to them? A

And yes, I do think you are communicating your anxieties to him, quite understandably. I would try hard to make this a really positive experience for him and I have no doubt he will love it.

In terms of children at our school, the one or two in the class I help in that I am thinking of are still behind - getting better tho. But it's almost the end of the year, and they have spent all that time (IMO only ) trying to learn how to behave in a group when they could have been learning to read and write like the others.

Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 09:30

Xenia - don't you perceive a difference between leaving a tiny baby to go back to work and sending a walking, talking, potty-trained child yearning for the company of its peers to pre-school?

Judy1234 · 29/05/2007 09:33

Anna, no.Some stay at home mothers would say it's absolutely dreadful you expose your two year old to separation anxiety and not being with you when you send her to pre school. Obviously you have decided at that age for that time separation from the mother is fine. But oing back to work when you have a baby still means you're bonded to the child as it is to its father as it is to its loved full time nanny. They bond to who they're with and need consistency and love. Some babies have even been brought up by wolves, although I'm not obvioulsy suggesting that...

NKF · 29/05/2007 09:35

I don't think I would worry too much about whether they fall behind. It's all so early and childre can learn so fast at that age. On the other hand, I think there are many positives to children attending a good pre-school. They can have such a lovely time, meeting their friends, joining something, bouncing out after a few hours with something to show Mummy. When it works, it's a wholly good thing.

Greensleeves · 29/05/2007 09:36

By Jove, she's got it!!!! Wolves!!! They're cheap to feed, they're tough on discipline, they won't give your child a nasty common accent and they won't want a pension scheme or their own internet connection. Who needs a human nanny when there are wolves sitting idle?

This could really catch on, Xenia

emkana · 29/05/2007 09:37

rofl

Judy1234 · 29/05/2007 09:43

And you can breastfeed from them too.....Love, care and warmth. Romulus and Remus I think and some others benefited. I've a book upstairs about feral children brought up by animals etc.

I think it depends on the nursery too. Ours went to 5 mornings a week at a Montessori stand alone nursery school and the twins I can't remember but it was similar and separate - no big children around. The twins learnt their letters and I think it helped when they started school even just from the education point of view. Quite a few parents sit children for schools with a lot of competition for places at 4+ (my little niece just won a place at the school they wanted from Sept) adn the per-school can help prepare them for those tests too even if it's just ability to sit in a group, shut up when you need to shut up and not get your own way all the time.

Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 09:55

Xenia - I just at look at my child, the way she has developed over the past 2.6 years and see that she is ready to spend some time in a group of her peers. I didn't particularly decide it - I didn't have clear opinions about it when she was very small, though I always went to mother-and-baby groups from the earliest months (in the local school) to get her used to being in a group of other children and in a school setting. I just believe in easing her gently into life away from the family, when she is ready to cope. Personally I think it is preferable that she should be able to look after her own basic needs (ie talk, use the loo, dress and undress herself) to do that.

FioFio · 29/05/2007 10:34

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FrannyandZooey · 29/05/2007 10:36

Yes Fio, we've got plenty of evidence on this thread alone. I've always thought of both Xenia and harpsichordcarrier as frail souls, unable to cope with the hurlyburly of life, and neither of them seem to have made much of themselves as far as their career goes

FioFio · 29/05/2007 10:37

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oliveoil · 29/05/2007 10:39

I have not read all of these but playgroup has really really helped dd1.

She is quite shy and sensitive and hasn't been to nursery (MIL does my childcare when I work)

And at first she didn't like going to playgroup, she was nearly 3yrs. Probably took her about 2 months to run in happily.

But she has come on sooooooooooooo much, and I think is more ready for school (this September) as a result.

I would try it and see what you think.

Also, those that cry on the way in are not necessarily crying all day, remember that. Dd1 used to cry and I used to watch and she would sit and have a cuddle from one of the staff and be fine in 5 mins.

katepol · 29/05/2007 10:41

DaisyBoo

For me, the issue would be about your little one separating from you in general, not just at pre school...

I do believe for my children, nursery has been fab, and I encourage others to try it, I also understand that some children may not be ready until they are 5-ish, to deal with the atmosphere of a nursery/pres-school, although I think they should be encouraged to try as I think as Clary said, it is a good thing for them in terms of learning how to behave in a group, deal with other children, learn to trust other adults etc.

What struck me is that your little one seems scared of not beng with you, for even a short period of time. Pre-school or not, I would want to work on that. I personally don't think it is THAT common for a child of that age to feel the need to have their mum within sight at all times, and perhaps your little one actually needs some help recognising that even if you aren't in sight, he isn't being abandoned?

I am not trying to be mean here, but at age 3, I would expect your ds to feel ok about doing his own thing some of the time - a confident child knows that his parent is still going to be there.
It sounds like pre school may be too much of a leap at the mo, tbh, but I woul want to work on his independence skills. i know he is only 3, but you have to allow children to learn that they can be ok without you...

harpsichordcarrier · 29/05/2007 10:41

QED:
if you don't send your dc to preschool they will become hotshot ballbreaking lawyer types with a penchant for arguing on the internet. (sample size - 2)
terrible fate

Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 10:41

FioFio - I think there are lots and lots of variables, lots of different systems, and it's hard to isolate one variable and determine cause and effect.

That said, there is a world wide movement in developed countries (that can afford such things) towards pre-school education so that children arrive at school fully prepared and socialised ready to learn.

nogoes · 29/05/2007 10:41

Can he not just go for a couple of mornings a week? You might find that he really loves it.

oliveoil · 29/05/2007 10:41

and when she looks at magnets on the fridge and I say "ooooh M for...?" (expecting Mummy)

and she says "MANDY!!!!!!"

Her keyworker

pah

harpsichordcarrier · 29/05/2007 10:43

"That said, there is a world wide movement in developed countries (that can afford such things) towards pre-school education so that children arrive at school fully prepared and socialised ready to learn."
I think that movement is about two things - levelling out the life chances for underprivileged children by giving them access to education early on, and about getting women back to work and economically active.
that's what shapes the policy in this country, in any event, hence the voucher scheme.

Springadora · 29/05/2007 10:44

Clary - maybe some pre-schoolers have not been taught how to function independently or learned anything prior to starting school but that is a large assumption. My little girl aged 3.4 can use a knife and fork, lay the table, get dressed and undressed, sit and listen quietly, follow instructions, read and write (albeit at an early stage)and do to the loo by herself. She can do up her zips and buttons. She speaks clearly and can communicate her emotions using words not fists. She has swimming lessons with other adults and I take her to Mother and Toddlers. She has small friends with whom she does "play dates". What more does she need to learn prior to school?

At some stage most children are embarrassed by their parents - do we really need to encourage separation so early?

FioFio · 29/05/2007 10:45

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NKF · 29/05/2007 10:47

I don't think children "need" to go to pre-school. I just think that they can have a high old time if they do.

ScottishThistle · 29/05/2007 10:49

It sounds very like your dd's picking up on your anxiety, I've yet to meet a 3yr old who doesn't enjoy pre-school!

I was very shy as a child & I'm sure it was down to not going to pre-school.