does my 3yo need to go to pre-school or not?

[daisybo]

have also posted this on the childcare boards, just wondered if anyone had kept their lo at home with them full time until they started school?
is there anyone who didn't send their little one to any kind of childcare and then when they started school were they ok? my ds is 3 and due to start at pre-school in september but i don't really want him to go and he doesn't want to go either! should i send him so he gets used to spending time away from mummy in preparation for school next year or would he be ok if he stays at home til he starts school? i don't want him to miss out on mixing with other children and making friends but i don't want to force him to go when neither him nor i really want him to go iyswim!
should prob add he has never been in any kind of childcare, not been left with anyone except mummy, daddy and occasionally grandad!
what do you think i should do? what would be best for him? he is only just 3 btw, so a young one for his year.

with regard to nursery school helping shy children I can only offer anecdotal information here.

As I said all my 3 didn't attend any form of pre-school (except for ds2 for a short time when I worked at a playgroup myself and he came with me!). Dd and ds1 were always quite confident, outgoing little ones but ds2 was a 'mare, very sensitive and quite emotional (bless!). He wouldn't attend playgroup on days I wasn't there, I tried but they always ended up bringing him home to me! All through primary school at the end of holidays he would be upset at the thought of going back to school (although he had many good friends).

Then - he went to secondary school and a metamorphosis took place - bam! he was Mr Sociable - out and about much more than his siblings, it was weird really. He is a really popular adult too.

So, in conclusion, don't sweat it. They grow, they change.

FioFio - I think that socialising in an informal way with brothers/sisters/cousins/other families/in the playground etc is a very important part of a child's development (and one I ensure my daughter gets plenty of) but different to the more structured socialisation that goes on at pre-school where children learn to be guided by adults who are not carers. I don't think you need too much of the latter - you still should be spending more time playing and in a family setting than at school before 5/6.

We all have examples of people with different childhoods who have grown up fine, and obviously lots of things work. I am just fairly convinced that human beings, as far as possible, thrive when eased gently into the world in little steps. I try to avoid big shocks for my daughter.

I agree with JT too! children develop at their own pace, if we give them the room to do so

good thread, I am really enjoying seeing how different parents deal with the transition to pre-school... I think I will be much more confident about trying to make the transition as secure as poss for my ds, who starts in August AND staying with him/not leaving him if he is upset - cheers

It's the samew issue - separation at 2 weeks when mother and father return to full time work (in my case) or at 2.6 or whatever Anna's is or at 5 when go to big school or never if the mother home educates or 38+ if they are many Italian men still living at home. When do you turf them out of the nest against their will or when do you let them be there. In a sense I have the same issue with the 20+ year olds I sometimes would rather weren't here and sometimes am glad are. Same issue as the people across the road who I think are amazed my father might want to stay in his own home with carers rather than living with his children as their parents do in their culture. Same in a sense as couples who happily often work abroad and are apart for long periods and others who say proudly we have never had a night apart in 20 years.

Hard to know what government studies to believe. We all know you can in effect buy a study to say anything.

Our eldest went to morning nursery school when she was almost exactly 3 but not before in part because I thought the nanny at home with a 1 year old and tiny baby had her hands full and also because we had the issue of getting the oldest through school selection tests at 5 although she could have been home and still passed that as it was looking at things other than socialisation and you don't need to go to nursery to socialised.

Interesting that now it's free most mothers choose to take it up. If childcare were free from age 6 months I bet most mothers would be back at work too or back at home with their feet up.

springadora I am talking in very general terms of course.

That's great that your DD can do all that. But I have noticed that some children struggle with things like standing in line quietly, sitting still on the carpet, sharing toys with friends, playing together etc. These are all things that can be taught in nursery school rather more easily than at home (hard to line up if there's only a couple of you!). And nursery school is also an alien environment, much as school will be, but in a much gentler way (ie lots of staff, shorter time there, etc), wheras home is very familiar.

Of course people must make their own choice, but I personally think the benefits of a caring pre-school are beyond doubt, even if a child is nervous at first, as long as they are introduced in a careful and caring way, as described by other posters here.

Katepol that's a good post. I think Daisy's DS does need to understand that it's OK to be away from mummy, quite aside from the pre-school issue.

Clary - point taken about preparing them for an alien environment. Also, one of the things my others learned at pre-school was that different sets of rules and boundaries exist outside of the home and that this is OK as long as you have them clearly explained.

Great thread! I may have made a decision myself by the end of it!

Which is a similar benefit to being looked after by your father separately from your mother and also your granny or a nanny. That there are different adults with different rules and being able to adapt and to cope with some stress but always knowing you have a loving home and adults you're attached to.

Xenia - but why would any parent want to turf their child out of the home? My aim is for my child(ren) to grow out of home gradually, at their own pace, with the maximum support from me and their father, so that they desire and are able to lead independent lives once they have the means to support themselves financially.

It's very different to force separation at any age.

And I very much doubt there would be universal take up of free child care...

But what age is that? I'm happy that the oldest who is still studying is still home. I don't think I actually want them still at home into their late 20s and 30s.

Xenia - I would have thought that at the very latest it was when your child earns a salary. Maybe before, depending on finances. We are busy ensuring our children will have quite a bit of money for studies and downpayments (this is fiscally efficient as well in this country) and will leave home and set up semi-independent lives around 20.

Katepol, DS1 (3.1) is very independent and has always been happy to play alone or be out of my sight - he had a brief flirtation with separation anxiety when he was about 7mo but that was it - for him, it's being left somewhere he can't escape from with strange adults he objects to.

He's still not keen on that - he came with me the other day when I changed DS2's nappy when I was out for lunch with a couple of MNers and their children. He was anxious about being left - he knew one of the two MNers and two of the three other children - it's just him. I didn't mind him coming with me, so he did. I'm sure he'll get over that as he gets older though.

Daisybo, your DS sounds quite like mine.

ScottishThistle, I went to preschool and I was painfully shy till I was about 18. I developed coping strategies for it, because it was wrecking my life, but I still get very anxious about new situations. It's one of the reasons I'm very conscious that just chucking DS1 in at the deep end isn't the best way to go.

I never fussed about being left at preschool though - I was too shy, even with my (perfectly nice) parents at that age. People might have looked at me. FGS.

I mean he's objecting to being left, not the strange adults - although, I guess it's both!

i guess i will just try it and see how it goes but i feel at lot more confident about just walking out and taking him home if he doesn't want to be there, or staying with him if he wants me to stay, even if everyone else (in RL) thinks i should leave him to cry! so thanks guys
i am also worried cos he's quite young for his age - he is just 3 this week - not potty trained yet (am also under pressure to do this if i want him to go to pre-school) and he just seems far too young to be in a school environment - he is still my baby!!
oh well as a lot of you have said september is still a long way off

probably being silly but i'm also worried about him getting picked on, he's not very good at standing up for himself when other children snatch toys etc and he's not a typical rough and tumble boy. his favourite colour is pink and he loves playing houses and making tea, as well as playing trains as well of course!
am prob being daft tho, sure lots of other little boys are sensitive souls too!

He sounds like a lovely child. Don't worry, there'll be other kind, sensitive children at pre-school too.

If he's quite sensitive it's probably even more important to ease him into school life very gently, so the sooner you start (with few hours/days) the better.

oh kamikayzed your poor ds. that is exactly what i'm afraid of! i would love a play date don't supposed your in the west midlands tho are you?!!

Listen to your 'gut' feeling daisy...if you feel he is too young, he IS too young...He will benefit from a home based environment and certainly won't suffer...
Anna...perhaps,( understandably imo )it is you that needs DD to go to pre-school.It will probaby give you a nice break and most likely will do her no harm.

Daisybo, DS1 asked specifically for a pink potty...

I think our boys would get on well - shame I'm not nearer you!

Mohze - we're both ready for her to go to pre-school - she needs things I can't give her, like lots of little children running around, organised games etc. And she is getting beyond the stage when she is entertained solely by shopping, parks, museums that I like doing (and that she happily did with me since birth). It's just a totally natural progression.

Why not make the settling-in period as extended as you/he need?

At our playgroup, some children are left at once, other parents stay with their child for half-hour or the whole first session or the first few sessions or whatever it takes.

We had one mum who stayed for over a term - after a while she gradually started removing herself a little bit, for example going to the loo on her own, washing up in the kitchen for 10 mins etc, going to the shop for 30 mins (she told the child she was doing this and was back as promised before snack time), and eventually leaving the child for the whole session. This is an extreme case but it's what they needed.

I would play it by ear, starting with only a couple of sessions a week and being as flexible as you need. Children also change a lot in a few months, what might not be right now could be exactly right in a few months' time.