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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

186 replies

Badvoc · 23/04/2014 16:38

Hi
Just wanted to ask other parents/teachers their opinion on this...
My ds2 is 5 and started school in sept last year.
In feb he started feeling unwell at school - refused any lunch, wasn't drinking and stayed in the classroom at lunchtime play Hmm
The teacher did not phone me and told me all the above at 3.15 at pick up time.
I do not think this is acceptable.
I complained to the ht and the ct phoned me and basically said "I am very experienced and used my judgment"
No apology.
Since then ds2 has been very reluctant to go to school - in fact at feb half term it was a struggle just to get him to leave the house Hmm
He has had a lot of health issues too - in the past month he had had; an ear infection, conjunctivitis, tonsillitis and a cough and cold.
My gut feeling is that I don't trust this teacher any longer and I don't think ds2 does either.
So....wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 21:56

Well....I never used to! Grin

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 23/04/2014 21:56

You're doing it again... Blaming the teacher when it's not her fault.

To be blunt, there are 2 possibilities here.

Either your DS's anxiety was triggered by the February incident - in which case his reaction is so disproportionate as to indicate an underlying issue that needs to be resolved.

Or your DS's anxiety exists independent of that incident, in which case there is an underlying issue that needs to be resolved.

The teacher will care about DS and will be doing what she believes is right for him. To me "tough love" is most likely to mean jollying him along while gently but firmly insisting that he participates in normal school activities.

And for all we know that may actually be the best tactic to adopt - show him there's nothing to worry about. Several posters on this thread have advocated similar.

FWIW, 2 of my 3 are sensitive souls. DS2 reacts best to jollying/tough love. DS1 needs reassurance and stroking. Horses for courses.

For your own peace of mind, try to let go of your anger. Easy to say, hard to do - I know. Focus, focus on your DS.

EustaciaVye · 23/04/2014 21:59

A teacher will often see a different child to the one we see at home. my DD is a model child at school and if she is anxious is a pain at home as she uses all her energy at school being an angel, and then slumps at home.

Might be worth picking up Highly Sensitive Child book as well as that could be quite insightful on how to help your son. This is something you, and he, need to try and work out...

I don't work for Amazon, I promise, but I know it is awful to have a sad child.

noblegiraffe · 23/04/2014 21:59

It sounds like your child is suffering from separation anxiety. I'm not sure there is much a teacher can do to address this, especially if the child seems fine at school (don't disbelieve her btw, I have seem similar in my class).

I think you need to see your GP for a referral to some sort of agency help.

CinnabarRed · 23/04/2014 22:00

I wish I could give both of you a hug.

Out of interest, what does your DH think?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 23/04/2014 22:02

I think the teacher behaved appropriately. I think you OP have over reacted and maybe over fussing about your son and making him anxious.

Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 22:03

Eustacia - you should be on commission! Grin
I am angry, yes. I do see that. But I am not sure how to get past it.
Last time I saw her she said "ds2s attendance has been horrendous this term"
As if I don't already know!!!?
What does she want me to do!?
The poor kid looked like something from the exorcist when he had conjunctivitis! Hmm
I have kept them fully informed about his absences. I always say "any issues phone me" but they don't and then say that to me!!
Gah!

OP posts:
Notmadeofrib · 23/04/2014 22:03

Tough love is fine when the only issue a child has is an over concerned fuss pot mum. If you honestly don't believe you indulge him then tough love is certainly not the answer. Life IS tough, but for some people it's too tough and if he is anxious to the point of possible mental health issues then you need to seek help. My cousin was forced to school (he refused to the extent my aunt was taken to court and he was taken into care - years ago now), he then never left the house for about 30 years.
A massive leap I understand that, but sometimes an incident in a child's lift can trip something (it would seem to me) and what is OK for an average child is not suitable for some. If you really feel this is more than an over tired/post viral child then ask for a referral to an educational psychologist.

EustaciaVye · 23/04/2014 22:04

It is also worth mentioning that Dh and I have very different ways in dealing with our children. I am quite sensitive and he isn't. different methods work in different circumstances.

I ask if you are anxious as your son could be picking feelings up from you, or you could be interpreting his behaviours more strongly than they are, if this is the case.

Good luck, OP. Please listen to what people have said about the teacher before you speak to the school. I am sure she isn't the sole cause of this issue and she would probably be very sad to be thought of in that way.

KaFayOLay · 23/04/2014 22:05

Can I go at this from another angle?

I used to give my dd when in reception a (probably too large) a choice of food in her lunchbox. Not a vast amount just small bits to give her variety and choice.
My elder dd always had school dinners, lunchboxes were a learning curve for me with younger dd!

Unbeknown to me, the dinner ladies were encouraging her to eat all of her lunchbox, leaving nothing.
She got very anxious about eatting at school, to the point she didn't want to go to school at all.

I stuck a not in the lid of her box saying that she wasn't to be cajoled/bullied into eating, no harm will come to her if she doesn't eat.

It did the trick, they left her alone, she ate what she wanted.

It did take until half term in year 1 for her to actually like school again.

So OP, maybe it isn't the teacher, maybe it is something at lunchtime that is making him anxious.

EustaciaVye · 23/04/2014 22:06

Grin commission would be nice.

Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 22:10

Cinnabar - that would be nice! Smile
I don't mean to demonise the teacher. Honestly.
But it's the incident that seems to have sparked this all off....

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EustaciaVye · 23/04/2014 22:13

It may be this incident, but that doesn't mean it is her fault. DD 1 didn't want to go to preschool for nearly two weeks when she was 4 as she hadn't been wanted to sit on a green chair, there were none left so she cried and her key worker told her to stop being silly and crying like a baby. 2 weeks!

Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 22:13

Dh is concerned too.
Especially when ds gets upset at leaving me - some nights he won't even let dh put him to bed Hmm
He is away with work ATM so I can't really discuss it with him til he gets back.
We are both at a loss really.
Ds1 went through this at a similar age (different school) and it turned out he was being bullied. I deeply regret not trusting my instinct back then....

OP posts:
EustaciaVye · 23/04/2014 22:13

Had wanted. Silly phone.

noblegiraffe · 23/04/2014 22:14

Badvoc, you're assuming that it's the teacher's behaviour in the incident which sparked it all off, but there's also a possibility that you picked him up from school, uttered horror that school hadn't phoned you, fussed over him for being ill, whisked him to the docs and muttered darkly about the school and his drinking when the doc said he seemed dehydrated etc and that, your talking down the school, banging on about how they should have phoned you, that DS should have been at home where he would have been looked after properly, has sparked this.

Or can you honestly say that you haven't said any of this within earshot of him?

Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 22:15

You just don't know what's going through their little heads do you? Hmm
A chance throw away comment and it can really upset them/affect them.
The eating thing stems from last summer - he was very poorly with tracheitis (ended up on a iv in hospital Hmm) and it's affected his eating.
Will be mentioning all this to dr on Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 22:19

Giraffe...I don't know.
I phoned the ht from upstairs so he won't have heard that.
Told dr what happened - she seemed quite surprised school would leave a child who hadn't eaten or drank anything too...
He was at meeting with ht and ct.

OP posts:
Endymion · 23/04/2014 22:20

It may also be the case that the subsequent time he's had off sick, at home and away from the school setting (including Easter hols) has thrown him out of kilter, rather than it all stemming from that one incident.

I know when my dcs have been off sick or after summer holidays they tended to be more clingy, and if you factor in the fact that he's possibly post-viral (which can be horrible - I had rotten tonsillitis, 4 bouts in about as many months and was so so wiped out and low and lacklustre for a good 4-6 months afterwards) then that might be the problem.

I suppose I'm just saying that you are focussing on the teacher and the relationship with her as being the root cause, when it may not actually be the case.

I'm not a teacher by the way.

I did once have to literally carry dd out of school in reception at the end of the day because she had gone from bright as a button in the morning to rancid flu by the end of the day. Was the day of the Christmas party at school and it transpired that she hadn't eaten or drunk anything. I put the fact that I hadn't been called down to the fact that there must have been a hell of a hubbub in the classroom, and that it was a judgement call by the time it became apparent she was unwell as to whether to call me (and for her to miss the party ). She then had the Christmas holidays (ill) and was very school-averse for the first week or so back.

Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 22:21

I don't fuss unless it's warranted, generally.
He is having a really hard time, both physically and emotionally.
I am just trying to figure out how I can help my son.

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Endymion · 23/04/2014 22:31

Unfortunately I'm not sure how to speed up post-viral symptoms. For me, I took vitamins including B vitamins and extra vitamin d ( was vit d deficient and unaware of the link between that and anxiety). Sunshine helped, as well as diet and plenty of rest.

With regards to the school, could you discuss with the GP the issues you're having (without ds there) and ask for support ie CAMHS?

Perhaps another collaborative non-accusatory meeting with the school?

I feel for you - is so rotten when your child is so upset.

Ds1 went through a phase of being down and low, about school and everything. We hadn't a clue what was wrong. Paid for a private ed psych assessment in the end - but in that case we were concerned about his social skills rather than concerned that the school was not a good fit. In the end it was really positive because we had an outsider's assessment of how ds1 was feeling, how he 'ticks', what things might be helpful to work on to improve his comfort levels at school and outside and so on.

Original poster
Badvoc · 23/04/2014 22:39

We may go down that route in the end I guess.
I have to do something to help him, the poor chap Hmm

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AwfulMaureen · 23/04/2014 22:46

Could it be that he's picking up on your anxiety Badvoc? You do seem overly anxious....most children have illness at school....often it's missed or they don't get "properly" ill until later that evening...for your DS to be this worried, there has to be something else. Has he heard you talking about that day?

tiggytape · 23/04/2014 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vijac · 23/04/2014 23:04

Have you shown to your son that you were upset by this or that you dislike the teacher. I wonder if he could have picked up on this. Try and be really positive about school for him. Have you asked the teacher if she has any idea why he has changed, or what happened? Or have you asked him?

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