Confused over boarding school options: Winchester, Wellington, Charterhouse, Radley

[teaandroses]

Hope this is the right place to post this - this is my first post on MN Talk - but I have just met the headmaster at my son's current school and, alongside a (very limited) range of day options, he recommended three boarding choices for senior school: Winchester (aspirational), Wellington, Charterhouse and Radley (via the Warden's List). He believes boarding may be a better option for my son because it offers a broader education, which appeals to his many interests (he is into, but not great at, music, art and sports, as well as being academic).
But I am puzzled both about boarding in general (my son is very clingy, dependent and somewhat insecure at the moment, although obviously he may outgrow all this as he gets into the tweens years) and about the range of schools in particular. I may be wrong but they strike me as very very different from one another? As in if one fits my child, the others probably won't?
I haven't visited any boarding schools yet - my focus had been on day schools until today and obviously plan to do so asap, but in the meantime I thought I could tap into MN's collective wisdom.
Winchester College is obviously the school with the strongest academic reputation, but it might be aspirational for my son (while his CAT scores are well above average, they are not exceptional, although his academic results are very good). The HM thought Wellington would probably be the best fit for my son but at the same time told me it still has a 'tougher' environment than other schools, which I don't really think it would suit my son at all - does anyone have children at Wellington who can give me an insight on the school's culture?
He suggested Charterhouse and Radley as back-up options (again, I was surprised as I didn't think either would be a back-up to Wellington, but maybe I am not well informed enough?) and said that Radley in particular has the best pastoral care, which could make it an especially appealing option.
I'd really love it if anyone who has children there or knows these schools well could give me some feedback/info on them!

I would go with your gut on everything you have posted.

If you think boarding is not right, and do check in with your son, then very probably boarding is not right. My DCs still refuse to board even in the sixth form.

The idea of Charterhouse being a back up for Wellington is just tickling me. The head of Charterhouse would be apoplectic.

I would not send a particularly sensitive boy to Radley, Charterhouse or Wellington. I think all three are fairly robust environments when compared with Winchester.

Thanks Woebegone. To be fair, and thinking more carefully about what he said, I think he meant that Wellington (apparently) now has a higher ratio of applicants per place than Charterhouse, rather than being superior in other ways...

Thanks grovel. I much prefer the sound of Winchester but to be frank, I am not sure whether my son is brainy enough for it!

It may comfort you to know that my twelve year old admissions informant has been saying, over the last couple of years, that the boys who get into Winchester from his prep are absolutely not always the top of the (extremely competitive) top set. Sometimes they're not in the top set at all - so there are some surprises when the results come out.

Other people will have more knowledge of Winchester but from what I saw of it you would be advised to choose your HM carefully. There was quite a different atmosphere from one house to another.

Ohh, that's interesting, Zero. I haven't been to look around the school yet and was frankly not too sure I should go, but maybe it's worth a visit...

I have a son who has gained scholarships to catholic schools stonyhurst and ampleforth, have you considered any of these two schools, that have a much more friendly environment whilst still maintaining their reputation for being top public schools.

Do you trust your Headmaster? If you do I would strongly suggest visiting all the schools he suggests - particularly since they weren't originally part of your plan. You can never tell from a distance which will suddenly feel "right". (I say that knowing full well that one can't help building up an irrational dislike of some random school, based on no firm evidence whatsoever.)

It's interesting that he feels your DS could cope with boarding while you are hesitant about it. They do need to be robust - perhaps he's a different boy at school to the one you see at home.....

Wellington is very London-centric, which may or may not appeal. Charterhouse pretends to be full boarding but isn't - we were told of the importance of boys going home on a Saturday to have a break. Fair enough but don't charge full boarding when you want parents to do that.

Winchester seems to me to depend on the house. Our favourite was Radley (via Warden's List). Liked the atmosphere, liked the boys we met, liked the tutors we met both formally and whilst wandering around the school, loved that it was strong in sport (which is it's reputation) but equally strong in music and art (which appealed to ds).

Before you go and look at them, decide if you want weekly boarding or full, and whether you feel strongly about coed vs single sex. If you want weekly, its Wellington and Charterhouse and if its full Winchester and Radley. If you don't care its all 4! Wellington is the only fully coed. Charterhouse has girls in 6th form.

Radley is very rounded. Very traditional but they do very well by the boys that go there....lowest CE passmark of the 4 schools yet flies high academically and as Bisjo says strong at all other aspects too. The boys have to participate, so if your boy is a trier he will be fine.

There will be "banter" in all the boys schools, so I don't think being particularly sensitive and boarding go together necessarily, but boys grow up (eventually) and what they are like aged 9/10 is different to what they are like at 13/14 when they go.

I didn't like Wellington - too flashy, London centric and PR driven for me. Also didn't like the Headmaster popping up in the paper spouting on education policy, running an academy and running Well Coll and writing books...all at the same time. But others love him! Didn't look at Winchester (not sporty enough for my DS, so he wanted to look at Eton instead) and friends with DS s at Charterhouse are very happy with it.

Good luck.

Zero, I think you nailed it - I suspect my son is a lot different at school than he is at home! Michael, I hadn't considered Stonyhurst or Ampleforth chiefly because I hadn't considers boarding at all until now. I'll have a look although they are probably too far from where we live. Bisho, interesting that you liked Radley best ands that you found it so we'll rounded - that's one of the reasons the HM suggested it to us. Dog1dog2 (love the username!) my boy is definitely a trier, he will positively jump at the chance. It's the 'banter' that concerns me much more - he is definitely not very good at taking it at the moment. I don't feel particularly strongly about single sex or coed. Weekly boarding appeals more than full right now, chiefly because I wasn't considering boarding at all until this morning, but to be honest, I'd probably be happier with a full boarding school with great pastoral care and a nurturing environment than weekly but tough boarding, if you see what I mean!

teaandroses your DS is likely to become more independent by the end of year 8 so it is certainly worth considering having a boarding option but if possible keep a day option as well so that you can leave the final decision to your son in year 8. I agree with everybody that you have to look at the schools. The Winchester entrants may not always be early developers or particularly competitive so they don't have to be prep school high fliers. However once they are there, they have to be academically inclined or the school will be wasted on them. If your DS has a passion for rugby, discount it but actually otherwise it gives plenty of opportunities for the sporty boy with some excellent coaches. It does let boys who are not keen on sport opt out of team sports. The drama is brilliant, music opportunities for the lower level musicians is fairly minimal.
Don't look at boarding schools too far from you if you think it might be quite a leap for your DS, even at 13 . I would consider Tonbridge (if not too far) as it is weekly boarding and would tick all your boxes (from what I have heard). Harrow is good for allrounders as well.

My DS is at Win Coll. We're very pleased with it, it suits us and my DS. This is real hands off parenting ideal for crap slack parents like us. It's house centric, the HM is the most important person in your child's school life, your DS can be himself there is no pressure to conform, it's liberal 95% of the time with the odd petty rule slung in, the school very much has it's own way of doing things their attitude take it or leave it,mthe eccentric, the lone wolfs and the super bright non sporty will thrive. Your DS need to be articulate on the other hand the boys seem slightly unworldly I like it. The boarding facilities are not as smart as most others, it's real full boarding; no odd weekends at home, no going home a couple of days early at the end of term, lots of work, academic expectations are very very high, the pre U is harder than A levels, I'm reliably informed by those who've taken them (not all Wykhamists) that they are more interesting but significantly more work, intelligence, academia and intellectualism are very highly valued by the boys and the boys are told that this should be their priority, sport etc comes a definite second, a friends DS complains about the lack of fun "it all about work". Sport is just simply not big, it's completely optional after the first term, music is very strong about 30 concerts a term but to quote one boy "everyone is grade 8", drama is also strong 4 -6 plays a term, there is a daily Div lesson a non examined subject, the Div don is free to do what he likes within the subject chosen for that year, no curriculum to follow, the boys debate every day they can effect the course the lesson takes they love it. There is room here for a boy with a particular gift in maths in one subject, and weaker in another one. The head vision is to make it an international centre of academic excellence, this is going to be its USP, so I suspect it it's going to become even more selective, more intellectual, I wouldn't want my DS to be at the bottom or even in the bottom 1/2 of the academic heap there I suspect you could feel very inferior.
I know quite a few at Radley all seem to like it but all tell me it's a definite "man up" environment, it's very traditional, rugby is very serious, I personally can't stand the head at Wellington I would rather send my DS to a state school than Wellington, Charterhouse also has a definite man up reputation very macho.
Boys always banter amongst each other boarding is not the place for the super sensitive, you have to be a fairly thick skinned to thrive. But in my opinion for the right child it's a positive life changing experience. Hope this helps.

Have you asked your DS how he feels about boarding? If he is not happy with it and you don't need it, I would wait. If he is happy to do it, he needs to go with you to see the schools. It needs to be his decision as much as yours

"I didn't like Wellington - too flashy, London centric and PR driven for me. Also didn't like the Headmaster popping up in the paper spouting on education policy, running an academy and running Well Coll and writing books...all at the same time."

Exactly how we felt, even though we wanted to like it ...impressions from the open day and the confusing website....yet it seems to be hugely popular so I guess the PR is having it effect.

I looked at Tonbridge and really liked it. Head came from SPS and although not SPS quite similar in many ways. But there are basically no full boarders so with our location it was basically a no goer for us, if you live in London parts of Kent the train links are pretty good.

A few other points (we're about to enter our 10 th year of full boarding). Unless your abroad I would advise you not be more than 11/2 hours drive, any further and the journey will drive you nuts unless you list driving as you main hobby/interests. You'll never attend anything the school organises. From personal experience I would also not want a large chunk of the M25 between me and the school. In the ideal world if all other things were equal I would choose a school with good fast train links as well (in my dreams) this will make your DS much more independent.
Win Coll is not at all flashy most of the parents are pretty normal although many boys come from London and the Home Counties. I think most sent their DS's there because they want the intellectual environment found there they are not wanting an academic all round school.

I don't really understand why you are considering boarding if you can do day. He doesn't sound the sort if child suited to it. Have you asked him if he wants to board? I would take him with you on any of the visits and go with the gut feelings of both of you.

If you do board I would do one where you don't travel far.

Is a boarding school really what your "my son is very clingy, dependent and somewhat insecure at the moment," son needs atm?

Sending him away? I don't get it I'm afraid. My son was of a similar nature and what I felt he needed was close good parenting, plenty love and reassurance, gentle nurturing from family members who loved him.
My Ohs family are all products of boarding school education and I can't say it has worked well at all. Most of his family were thouroughly miserable at boarding school.

We'd never considered boarding 10 years ago in fact I thought parents who sent their DC's to boarding schools were monsters especially those sending 7 yr olds (the age my DS was when he boarded). But then we looked at a boarding schooled saw what it's really like. There are plenty on here happy to regale you with horror stories about their DH's, BIL, best friends brothers uncle etc who are dysfunctional sociopaths because they were sent to a boarding school at an early age. Boarding has changed it's no longer buggery in the dorms after light out and cold porridge and loos without doors.
To get a true idea which isn't easy because open days held by these schools are often impersonal you need to talk to those who board, ask them their opinions, watch them, meet them informally, talk to staff and then decide for yourself. Many of our friends and family comment on how "very normal" my DS is as he said to someone the other day saying this "why wouldn't I be normal?"
If your currently not registered for these schools I guess you DS must be 8/9 yrs old. For a child whose never boarded it must be quite alarming looking round them, I clearly remember the anxious looks on the faces of 8 and 9 yr olds when we went on the Win Coll open day whereas my DS looked very nonchalant, you should try not to be anxious, don't fuss about loos and showers (they'll have them and they'll work) or food or dorm numbers/sized all irrelevant IMO instead talk to the boys ask them what they think about boarding how they settled in etc, watch how the boys interact with each other and the staff. Having watched the boys together there is quite a lot of banter, but there is very much a family atmosphere between them more so than I've seen at other schools this is probably because it's so house centric. According to a couple of new dons I was talking too the relationship between the boys and dons at Win Coll is slightly less formal than other schools. You may not like this. The school has to fit you as well as your DS.

I agree a clingy dependent insecure child doesn't sound the perfect candidate for boarding. But your head says he's different at school. Can he board at his prep to see if he likes it? He'll also find it easier to settle at his senior boarding school if he has already boarded. There will always be children who never settle and who it's not right for, this isn't a reflection on them or the boarding school they chose. There are by it's nature going to be rules at boarding school, you have to get on with others and also not be obsessed about personal space or be a complete loner, you need to be adaptable, a self starter, those who need constant supervision/telling to do anything are going to struggle. I personally in your situation would look for a school with a resident house matron 24/7 as these wonderful ladies are mother figures for the boys and the dynamics are different between boy and matron and boy and teacher. You need to ask specifically about this as resident matron are being phased out in many schools and being replaced with young female teachers with often large teaching commitments.

happygardening- I understand what you are saying, but I don't understand why you would want someone else to bring up your child.
A child of 7 or 8 needs love, first and foremost being part of a loving family is the most crucial thing of all.

When we raise a child with love then that's the most important thing surely- then they learn how to love themselves and others.

I am not saying parents who send their children to boarding school don't love them- that would not be true, but it's all the day to day things that mothers do that matters in my book.

The things that we unthinkingly do dozens of times a day. A kiss on a bumped knee, a cuddle with a warm towel and a playful tickle to a shivering child after a bath. Kissing the raindrops off a wet nose. Little wrestling games on the sofa, singing a lullaby and sniffing the sweet hair of a sleepy child.
Telling an upset 8 year old the story of their birth for the 20th time and what a special day it was for his parents.
Having a child come for comfort and a cuddle in the middle of the night after a bad dream.

Who does all this at boarding school?
All the silly, loving playful things that we do as parents then would surely have to be crammed into a much shorter time.

Surrounding children with family love on a daily basis is crucial to the way I parent my children and I don't understand why a mother would want to deny a child that daily nurturing.

There are plenty of excellent day schools. There is no need at all to go boarding.

Of course if you have a want or need for it, it exists, but day strikes me as less problematic, and less likely to be full of foreign students and so on. Not to mention that you aren't paying £££ not to see your kdis again.

It's such a good thing that evil neglectful send-awayers can come here for a lecture on the minutiae of what constitutes good mothering.

The essential thing is to keep your child away from "foreign students".

Now that these lessons have been learned I imagine all those poor children will be removed from their schools forthwith.

[Seriously not grinning.]