Confused over boarding school options: Winchester, Wellington, Charterhouse, Radley

[teaandroses]

Hope this is the right place to post this - this is my first post on MN Talk - but I have just met the headmaster at my son's current school and, alongside a (very limited) range of day options, he recommended three boarding choices for senior school: Winchester (aspirational), Wellington, Charterhouse and Radley (via the Warden's List). He believes boarding may be a better option for my son because it offers a broader education, which appeals to his many interests (he is into, but not great at, music, art and sports, as well as being academic).
But I am puzzled both about boarding in general (my son is very clingy, dependent and somewhat insecure at the moment, although obviously he may outgrow all this as he gets into the tweens years) and about the range of schools in particular. I may be wrong but they strike me as very very different from one another? As in if one fits my child, the others probably won't?
I haven't visited any boarding schools yet - my focus had been on day schools until today and obviously plan to do so asap, but in the meantime I thought I could tap into MN's collective wisdom.
Winchester College is obviously the school with the strongest academic reputation, but it might be aspirational for my son (while his CAT scores are well above average, they are not exceptional, although his academic results are very good). The HM thought Wellington would probably be the best fit for my son but at the same time told me it still has a 'tougher' environment than other schools, which I don't really think it would suit my son at all - does anyone have children at Wellington who can give me an insight on the school's culture?
He suggested Charterhouse and Radley as back-up options (again, I was surprised as I didn't think either would be a back-up to Wellington, but maybe I am not well informed enough?) and said that Radley in particular has the best pastoral care, which could make it an especially appealing option.
I'd really love it if anyone who has children there or knows these schools well could give me some feedback/info on them!

"I have worked extensively with dysfunctional families and not one has boarded, poverty, substance abuse, paternal/material death/chronic illness, abuse, messy divorce these create dysfunctional families/children."

That is a bit of a daft thing to say if you think about it, you know!

I actually agree with you curlew but I think the OP said he's different at school.

Why is it daft? I work with children this is my professional experience. Dysfunctional children/families don't site boarding as the cause of their problems. I've also worked with dysfunctional children who do board as I've said earlier many find boarding unlike their home lives the port in a storm. Boarding in the 21st century does not mean you family dont care about you, that you going to grow into a dysfunctional sociopath who can't form meaningful relationships, that your going to be surrounded by spoiled foreign brats who ignore you or that you going to spend you school years desperately miserable. There are plenty in day schools who are unhappy and there are many threads on here about school refusers none in my memory say their DC's board.
Many base their opinions on their own prejudices without having an iota of current experiences. I never understand why they feel a need to derail threads like this which is very specific with their comments. I don't post my opinions on threads about some comprehensive school in Devon because I clearly no nothing about it. everyone has a view. I doubt most criticising boarding have even set foot in one let alone the schools specifically mentioned in the title of the thread.

I'm definitely not given up my current occupation and taking up proof reading as a career!

Because a) the number of boarding families is vanishingly small, and b) the families you work with are unlikely to be in the "boarding" socio economic group,

I boarded and also sent one of my kids to a top boarding school. Two of the others attend a state boarding school as day pupils.

TBH I am not convinced your son sounds like a natural candidate for boarding in this day and age, but in your position, I would avoid schools within 2 hours of London as they can be a bit unsettled - kids fly in and out a lot and the place clears out at weekends. Somewhere deeper in the countryside, and with more of a family model, might be better suited to your son's temperament.

People are right about the driving though - DD went through a bit of a difficult phase at one stage and I was doing 7 hour round trips on Fridays and again on Sundays, every single week. It was a nightmare.

Ah but curlew you couldn't be more wrong it's so easy to make assumptions whether it's about other mumsnetters, dysfunctional families or boarding schools. For the record I work with children from literally every walk of life and nationality.

FWIW I know Wellington and find the pupils awfully Stepford, and a bit entitled. But that's probably just me.

BTW the problem with overseas pupils is that without careful management by the school, they quickly form cliques and this is very bad for integration and general in-school relationships.

I'm shocked to read all these comments on foreign students. Living overseas in the past 15 odd years have been a real eye-opening experience, and being accepted by local is never easy, they all look at you with tinted glasses. A bit like all the above comments.
We also go for boarding school for both my DCs. DD went at 12, now on her 5th year in medical school and my DS went at 13, and he is thriving academically, and is very happy with school.
In my DC's school, the foreign students are of very high calibre. I'm sure Happygardening can confirm that. Half of the top set maths in his year are Chinese or Korean. The standard is exceptionally high. Two Chinese boys gained A in IGCSE in German aged 13. And some of the musical talent there are really jaw dropping. They are not jet set brat someone mentioned, they are hardworking and motivated boys. I bet their English is a lot better than many students in UK too, as many of them gained A or A in English.

HG-You put poverty as the first cause of a dysfunctional family in your on post!

Where are you based OP.

I am SW London/Surrey borders and local prep heads are steering parents towards boarding, not because it is the best option for the child, but because the preps are struggling to get day school places.

Wow, so many replies, thank you! OK, on the day schools versus boarding debate. The head gave us a couple of day options: (RGS in Guildford, which he also clarified is very difficult to get in, and a fallback) but he said that my son specifically - and that's crucial, it probably wouldn't work for every child - would benefit from the broader education that boarding offers. Because he has many interests, from academic to art, from sports to music and drama, he would be able to pursue them better in a boarding environment than in a day one.
Until now, I hadn't even considered boarding as a possibility, but I see where the head is coming from and, as he has heaps of experience, I don't feel I can discount what he says without taking at least a look. At the same time, my son is rather thin-skinned. He probably acts differently at school but that's partly because he can 'let his hair down' at home, and that's why I wonder whether he would suit boarding at all. I raised this with the head, but he pointed out that children change - today's clingy almost-ten-year-old can become tomorrow's fiercely independent teenager and that I'd only have to make the final choice when he is older - but if I don't register him now with some schools, I might close that door forever, as many only accept registrations until Sept/Oct of Year 6. Again, I see his point but at the same time, if I do look at boarding options, I'd like to look at some that have the best pastoral care and are better suited to his personality. What slightly took me aback is that the range of schools he suggested look on paper (aka The Good Schools Guide) very very different from one another. I have now started booking tours, of course, but many of them are ages away, so I thought I'd start investigating what the schools are really like!

Its perfectly possible to work with children of oligarchs and those literally at the bottom of the financial heap. I was also not listing things in order of priority.
Or maybe I'm misunderstanding you surely you are not doubting poverty and it's associated causes chronic ill health substance a use, long term unemployment etc can very sadly be a cause for dysfunctional families.
I don't judge a families background my sole interest is the children themselves. I don't care if they're the sons I and daughters of royalty, Martians those horrid foreigners that so many fear or alcoholics unable to put a meal on the table.
Xpat is right many foreign children at boarding schools not only bring with them a whole raft of interesting cultures and experiences but they are at certainly at my DS's school usually super bright and hard working. All have to do at least 1 MFL and Latin and many do two or three MFL and of course they achieve top grades despite often not having studied them before yr 9. Musically of course many show eye watering talent in often three instruments as one said "everyone is grade 8". There English is also usually embarrassingly flawless even their accents and in our experience they also fully integrate with all the other children. I think it's great that they are there. The other great thing is that they don't go home on Sunday.

If he"s yr 6 you've definitely missed the boat for a Win Coll and Tonbridge can't comment on the others.

summer ends, thanks for your thoughts, which echo what the HM told me. I heard plenty of good things about Tonbridge but as Happygardening notes it might not be wise to have a high chunk of the M25 between us and the school and Tonbridge might be just that little bit too far away from us. Happygardening, thank you so much for your views about Winchester and Radley and for the tips about school tours. Maybe I am doing my son a disservice, but I am not sure he would be in the top half at Winchester College, assuming he gets into it in the first place!
AuntFidgetWonkhamStrong, yes, I am talking about possibly boarding at 13 precisely for the same reasons as you are looking. atthestroke, I totally see where you are coming from and it's one of the reasons I am hesitant about boarding but I also ask myself whether, realistically, my son will want or need me to be as present as I am now. Mostly, though, I hesitate because as curlew and happy gardening say, boarding school doesn't strike me as the best environment for my rather thin-skinned, insecure child. He does behave differently at school but what I don't know is how much of that is linked to the fact that he can then be himself at home. His HM thinks it's early days to make a call and I should keep all my options open (i.e. look at boarding schools) at this stage.
My son doesn't really have a view on schools yet, frankly. He said he'd prefer a day school as an idea, but he has only seen day schools thus far and has no idea of what a boarding environment is like other than from reading Happy Potter when he was in Year 3! I think he may have a better idea after he has seen to see a couple of schools. Good top about the resident matron too - I'll enquire about that when we go around.
Must say that cakeisalwaystheanswer's comments worried me, though! Like you, cake, I live on the Surrey borders. I think I'll take inspiration from your username and go and have a slice of cake to see if it helps!

Happy, he's in Year 5, so I have a couple more months.

I would take cake's comment very seriously (and have a slice )

Your head says the number-one day school you're aiming for is hard to get into. He wants to cover his back. Go and look but don't be swayed by his hints, if you prefer day and think your son would too, then look at other day options.

Your out if my area but I'm guessing your in darkest Surrey surely you've lots of day options including London schools?
Your DS has to want to board, he will take his cues from you if you positive about so will he be but he must still want to board if he's going to make a success of it.
IME boys are not as unkind long term or spiteful as girls can be but they can unintentionally upset their peers with their banter etc. teenage boys aren't adverse to pushing shoving and rolling on each other. I've seen thin skinned children settle but they take longer and some never settle.

Big open days are crap ways of looking at a school, completely impersonal, you never see teachers or pupils informally and thus it's impossible to get a real feel for what's going on. On the other hand a small group, individual guided tour is often no better you are blown away with the facilities, the hand picked charming child that shows you round and the slightly fawning head. We were under whelmed by Win Coll at the open day and only returned because we had an appointment with a couple of HM's and it seemed rude to cancel at short notice. At one of the appointment I chatted to the boys over lunch, I chatted to a teacher, I met an Resident matron, we talked about something and nothing, the boys were not necessarily everyone's cup of tea; friendly but very confident, opinionated, highly articulate not in the least bit afraid to disagree with me but I don't mind after all I was in their world and although 9 yrs older than my DS they were how I imagined he'd be at that age. They talked completely honestly about the school the dons their HM, warts and all, other schools Id looked at, the food (a big thing a Win Coll it's known to be ... Well erratic is a polite description), the camaraderie between them was so obvious (including those dreadful foreigners), they were such a close nit group it's the way they live that creates this and having voiced quite a few criticisms of the school and their HM they still said they wouldn't want to be anywhere else. We left converted and everything I thought it would be it is warts and all.

Presumably when your prep head uses the term "back-up" to refer to Charterhouse, Radley and RGS Guildford he means "in case you don't like Seldon Wellington", not "in case you don't get a place at Wellington".

These are all good schools but if none of them capture your (and most importantly your DS's) hearts on a visit I'll make a suggestion that may not suit your, or your prep head's, league table aspirations, but given your location I'd check out St John's Leatherhead.

Final thought - is your prep head trying to tell you that its YOU that's the clingy one because the boy he sees in school is quite capable of holding his own?

My goodness, there are some people on here with chips on their shoulders having never been near a boarding school. I believe the OP is talking about 13. So whoever started talking in a Mary Poppins way about kissing raindrops etc - have you ever done that to a 13/14 year lad!!

Wellington is almost a victim of its own PR. Seldon pretends to be a man of the people and then starts spouting socialist nonsense in various papers. Having said that he has turned Wellington into a trendy 'go-to' school. My DS has a number of old friends there. Its OK but becoming very academic so that Seldon can boast about the results.

I have a couple of friends who have ignored the quiet, sensistive sons they have and pushed on with boarding. The first few years (13-15) havent been great experiences but tbh they boys end up getting used to it. I would NEVER send a son of mine to a boarding school if they were sensistive souls.

Some on here saying that you need to be self confidence and resilient is 100% correct. If you arent - IMHO boarding isnt the right move.

There are without a doubt some sensitive non resilient soles at boarding schools in fact I know some. These children will take longer to settle, will find communal living and all that it entails hard, will often perhaps be unpopular with their resilient confident peers for a while, but I suspect the vast majority once they've found the niche and can see the positives about boarding eventually settle and enjoy it. Some of course never settle and IME schools don't want unhappy children and will advise parents to move them to a day school. This is not a reflection on the school or child they are just mutually incompatible.
I think the group who struggle perhaps more than the super sensitive are those who desperately need personal space, the obsessively tidy, and those who are unable or slow to read situations or adapt, those who are very fixed in their ways and those who are used to lots of attention from parents, older siblings, grand parents etc. Boarding is all about communal living, living with those you may not like or who have habits you don't like, its about tolerance, give and take, doing things you might not like or want to do to help others and of course you are not the centre of attention.
It's an outstanding preparation for adult life.

Great idea to send a clingy kid to board

FANTASTIC

I so agree with HG! I wouldnt have liked BS as I like my own personal space. And of course I am much much too old now....

It is a outstanding prep for adult life but if you have been a hovering parent and think your child can do no wrong and should be the centre of everyone else's universe please dont send your child to boarding school. They will probably never get over the shock.

"if you have been a hovering parent and think your child can do no wrong and should be the centre of everyone else's universe please dont send your child to boarding school. They will probably never get over the shock."

What an agressive comment.