Confused over boarding school options: Winchester, Wellington, Charterhouse, Radley

[teaandroses]

Hope this is the right place to post this - this is my first post on MN Talk - but I have just met the headmaster at my son's current school and, alongside a (very limited) range of day options, he recommended three boarding choices for senior school: Winchester (aspirational), Wellington, Charterhouse and Radley (via the Warden's List). He believes boarding may be a better option for my son because it offers a broader education, which appeals to his many interests (he is into, but not great at, music, art and sports, as well as being academic).
But I am puzzled both about boarding in general (my son is very clingy, dependent and somewhat insecure at the moment, although obviously he may outgrow all this as he gets into the tweens years) and about the range of schools in particular. I may be wrong but they strike me as very very different from one another? As in if one fits my child, the others probably won't?
I haven't visited any boarding schools yet - my focus had been on day schools until today and obviously plan to do so asap, but in the meantime I thought I could tap into MN's collective wisdom.
Winchester College is obviously the school with the strongest academic reputation, but it might be aspirational for my son (while his CAT scores are well above average, they are not exceptional, although his academic results are very good). The HM thought Wellington would probably be the best fit for my son but at the same time told me it still has a 'tougher' environment than other schools, which I don't really think it would suit my son at all - does anyone have children at Wellington who can give me an insight on the school's culture?
He suggested Charterhouse and Radley as back-up options (again, I was surprised as I didn't think either would be a back-up to Wellington, but maybe I am not well informed enough?) and said that Radley in particular has the best pastoral care, which could make it an especially appealing option.
I'd really love it if anyone who has children there or knows these schools well could give me some feedback/info on them!

zero- "evil neglectful send-awayers"- these are your words.

"these wonderful ladies are mother figures for the boys"

You know, sometimes I am almost convinced that boarding might be a good idea. Then somebody says something like this.....

atthestroke I'm assuming you don't send your DC's to a boarding school and probably have little experience of those who are boarding especially younger children.
I can only speak for my DS's the relationship we have between them is very strong in fact many comment on it, other parents health professionals, teachers etc. Many yrs ago when my DS's were both under 10 and full boarding one had to spend the day in a hospital under going tests, we all went and as we left a nurse stopped and asked my DS's what school they went too, on hearing they were at a boarding school she was visibly shocked and surprised "it doesn't seem to be doing you any harm in fact your the happiest family I've ever seen in 20 yrs of nursing". A couple of years ago we took one of my DS's friends on holiday with us he'd never boarded we were staying with friends whose DS's also full boarded from an early age. The child we took with continuously commented on how happy we were together (unlike his own family apparently) how much we all loved to laugh, how few arguments there were, he was stunned that the two 16 year olds wanted to do things en famille not go off on their own. He said it was the best holiday he'd ever had which I found rather sad as we weren't doing anything special just flopping around.
I work with children and see many sad situations many dysfunctional children and families not one has boarded. My DS's have absolutely no doubt that we love them we are an exceedingly demonstrative warm caring close family both are now teenagers I'm proud to say that we have had few of the difficulties that often arise between parent and teenager, we love to laugh, we do things together and enjoy each other's company. Secure in their relationship with us, knowing that we love them unconditionally and are there to help them what ever happens they both went off to boarding school at an early age and loved it. DS2 went first he was the youngest full boarder the school had at after a few weeks he said "I realise that if you really love someone you don't need to see them every day. And that you don't stop loving them if you don't see them daily." 10 years later neither he to I are in any doubt that we love and care about each other.
I'm not unrealistic this is not every boarding school child's experience and it may not be right for you but please do not assume that all children are deprived of parental love and insecure and unhappy.

Trying to say "he and I are not in any doubt that we love each other etc.

I think a child needs a mother figure if they haven't got one! They are no substitute for being at home with the real thing!

OP is talking about boarding at 13. We are thinking of doing similar for our DS. Yes, there are plenty of excellent day schools but we (our DS included) think that he might prefer the lifestyle of a boarding school (good academics, plenty of time for the sport he loves, also arts, drama, music and friendships), all of which he would have to cram in to a day topped and tailed by a long train or bus journey if at one of his day school choices. Not much time for mum and dad at the end of all that!

We feel comfortable about the idea of sending our sensitive, considerate DS to boarding school at 13 because he has had and will continue to have all of the love and support that Atthestrokeof12 mentions and we are confident that this will stand him in good stead for boarding life. If we go down this route, we will vet his prospective school and housemaster thoroughly.

Do see all of the schools you've mentioned, OP. if they're anything like the boarding schools we've visited (full boarding so probably not relevant to share), the admissions process should allow plenty of opportunities for you to familiarise yourselves with the real feel of the school. Good luck!

Not sure about foreign students being a negative (unless school doesn't do a proper job of managing ratios/integrating)?

atthestroke And these are yours:

A kiss on a bumped knee, a cuddle with a warm towel and a playful tickle to a shivering child after a bath. Kissing the raindrops off a wet nose. Little wrestling games on the sofa, singing a lullaby and sniffing the sweet hair of a sleepy child.

I guess it comes down to individual style......

happygardening are you suggesting that sending children to boarding schools is the way to avoid dysfunctionality in families?

I think it's quite sad that you feel that having your sons live apart from you has improved the quality of your family life.

"Foreign children"
Horror or horrors!
I embarrassed that I didn't pick up on that comment quicker. Whats is the problem with foreign children? It's important in the 21st century that our children meet with and mix and live along side children from all countries if we are to eradicate racial prejudice.

I think HG - and am sure she doesn't need me to defend her here- is saying that a happy family and boarding are not mutually exclusive!

HG is attempting to give a balanced view on boarding. 12 - do you have any experience of boarding schools?

To be fair to AgaP - there can be issues in certain boarding schools where cliques of foreign students can become problematic due to their integration not being properly managed by said schools. This causes problems for the foreign students themselves and the domestic students who feel excluded. I hope that this is the correct interpretation of her comment??

I never went to boarding school but my husband did.

If you weren't considering boarding, then don't do it. Why should you? Heads push parents to boarding schools because they want to maintain links with these schools, and have exit stats that impress a certain type of parent. Unless your son shows a strong interest I'd carry on with your original plan.

I don't think that living alongside spoiled international jetset brats will do ANYTHING for racial harmony.

www.spectator.co.uk/spectator-life/spectator-life-life/9085501/five-star-schools/

There are plenty of reports of boarding schools with too many foreign students, you simply won't find that issue at day schools.

So did I and would absolutely not send DS to the school I went to as it was 20 years ago. Very happy to send him there today.

No I'm not suggesting sending you DC's to boarding school eradicates dysfunctional families but I have worked extensively with dysfunctional families and not one has boarded, poverty, substance abuse, paternal/material death/chronic illness, abuse, messy divorce these create dysfunctional families/children.
I have also not suggested living apart from my children has improved our quality of family life but I am categorically stating it hasn't harmed it in any way.
We all chose to bring our children up in a different way, we are slack informal very non controlling parents, we impose few rules, we feel no need to micro manage our children's lives or be be involved in their every waking moment. Many other families I meet through work and friends have a very different approach, their way of parenting is not mine and vice versa. What we all have to do is put away our prejudices and look at the individual family, do they seem normal, are they happy, do they all love each other, do they communicate with each other, support each other through the good times and the sad ones, are the the family dynamics good? If you can answer yes to all of these then how they've achieved it doesn't really matter. The sad fact is there are many unhappy dysfunctional children/families out there and you should be congratulating those that are happy and well adjusted not criticising them.

Thanks for the article, AP. As I said, if not well managed this can be a problem and one that schools are having to address. Not sure this is a major issue at any of the schools OP interested in but, if concerned, always a good question to put to the head.

Well I've met many of the foreign children at my DS's school not one was a "spoiled international jet set brat". But I have met many spoilt children in my time, they come from all backgrounds. Also IME of Asian children are very far from spoilt brats they are exceedingly polite and respectful. Aga I have to say you must be a very bitter person to write such a repulsive comment about a child what ever their back ground I find it most offensive.

There are plenty of these dreadful foreign children in top London day schools. There are also plenty of foreign children in most London state schools as well. I just fail to see why this is a problem if they are all mixing well together.

The article refers to a Russian spoiled brat:

"The girl was annoyed that though she had slept in her bed for three nights, the maid had not yet been in to change the sheets."

I don't think it's a particularly offensive comment, personally.

I'm sure the foreign children at your school are as delightful as the British ones. Nonetheless it is an additional issue to consider, if the boarding contingent has very many foreign students.

"I have worked extensively with dysfunctional families and not one has boarded, poverty, substance abuse, paternal/material death/chronic illness, abuse, messy divorce these create dysfunctional families/children."

But many families who lead chaotic lifestyles can't afford to send their children to boarding school.

There are lots of children at London state schools with English as a second language, but

(a) you're not paying £30k+/year to go there
(b) in most cases they have spent 11 years in England learning English, even though English is technically their second language

Obviously there are very different cultural issues if you have recruited many foreign students straight from China or Russia into a dormitory where they are expected to stay for the whole term, compared with a day school where there is likely to be more interaction and integration with society.

I never said they could the point I'm trying obviously unsuccessfully to make is that its not boarding school that makes you dysfunctional. Christ's Hospital which is full boarding offers very generous bursaries to children from seriously dysfunctional families as do a couple of other charities for these children boarding is the port in a storm, stability in there often very unstable lives they. Sadly there places are limited.

Aga the dreadful foreign children integrate better with nice white English children at a boarding school because they are sharing dorms, common rooms, all meals and the ups and downs of life together. Secondly I don't see what difference paying £30k+ pa (it's actually pushing 34k+ now) makes. Finally a friends DH teaches in a London primary school only 2 children are nice white children with English as there first language all the rest come from all over the world many can't even claim to have English as their second language.
I fail to see why it matters what country a child comes from.

I would run a mile from any recommendation from a Head who looks at a "very clingy, dependent and somewhat insecure" child and said "I know what would good for him- boarding school"