SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

I actually don't think that's at all true.

Xenia (sorry Xenia, hope I get this right) hates women being sold down the river and sinking their chances for the sake of a man's. If Xenia could be identified as hating anyone (which she can't as she is unfailingly polite- blunt about her opinions, yes, but never rude), I would think it would be more men than women.

As you were.

His started off as a really interesting, thoughtful debate. However, as usual, a a couple of vociferous posters are "spoiling it for everyone" by name calling and general rudeness.

duchesse is right. All I seek is to ensure women do not sell themselves down the river by adopting a servile non paid roll and home whilst their husbands milk them for their domestic services until they choose to cast them off oftenwithout a penny and with all their earning capacity removed from them. Many women are not then protected very well by divorce law as sunny jim hot foots it to Thailand or gives up work to live with a richer new woman or he chooses to go on the dole ratherthan pay anthing (50% of the marriages on this thread will end in divorce). The woman is then left with capacity if she can get a job at all only to work at the minimum wage.

The sad thing is, it's the sort of comment that WOHM get all the time. That our DCs will be somehow irretrievably psychologically or emotionally damaged by the fact of us working. And SAHM making or reading the comments don't even see them as dodgy (or don't even notice them as more than background 'noise' at all). In a minute a poster will come along to claim that nobody has said that in this thread. Or that to object to such comments is name calling. :(

I know that comments like that are made about WOHM, metabilis. But is doing the same thing to SAHM the way forward? I am prepared to accept that WOHM have been attacked in this wqy on this thread and I haven't noticed- could you show me where? I could show you some really unpleasant and upsetting attacks on SAHM- is it possible that you are so used to this "background noise" that you don't notice them?

I and others have already pointed these out, you chose to ignore them, I'm not going to waste my time again.

Having done SAHM, WOHM, WAHM etc I would say that it SAHM is still the most socially acceptable and valued role, the one that takes the moral high ground. I have never been hailed anything but praise when I was a SAHM, but when I became a WOHM or WAHM then little sneidy remarks started to creep in from all sides.

It personally has never really bothered me as I have had relatively speaking a choice and I feel that I should make my own choices irrespective of what other people think. What it has taught me is never to judge other people's choices as you never know what might be round the corner.

In the many years I have been a parent, I have seen SAHMs who were very vociferous about working parents being suddenly divorced or husband losing their job and finding themselves working full time within a hearbeat, equally I have seen working parents being made redundant and suddenly finding themselves in the SAHM's shoes. It's always best to keep an open mind and be prepared with that life throws at you.

Finally, having done all of those, I would say that when I was a SAHM I didn't miss the stress of my job (worse part) but I missed the money and status of my job, when I am working I miss the less stressful existence and hate having to juggle constantly but then it's nice to get that money at the end of the month and think I can pay off a bit more of my mortgage.

Seeker I'm in total agreement to you.

And I would go as far as to say that even though I work, I have seen/heard/felt more of the insiduos slagging off of SAHMs on this thread than I have ever seen/heard/felt before (in any context).

I understand that WOHMs can feel vulnerable and got at. But the situation does not improve by vilifying other mothers. This surely furthers the cause of no one.

There are intrinsic benefits and disadvantages of both routes. I just wish more women had the real choice to choose which is best for them and their families.

@seeker how about the bright spark who claimed it was necessary to give up work to breast feed, hmmm? Had I been still WOHM (with international travel) and exclusively breast-feeding that would have BROKEN me. And the comment about the ability to form relationships and the self esteem of children from WOHM how about that? I stand by what I said because as others have agreed, e.g. Word it's right - those SAHM who are claiming that if you don't SAH to d the M-ing your children will necessarily, automatically, inevitably suffer are not only being vile to WOHMs but if they are bringing up sons with that attitude they are potentially storing up problems for all our DDs in the future. I really don't care if you found that hurtful, it's still the truth.

I have consistently said I support the right of SAHMs to do what they want so long as they are honest. However having seen the attitude of some SAHM in this thread, I'm not so sure I care any more.

Sorry but I think it's fairly hurtful to question whether xenia's kids have self esteem issues.

Just wait a second and someone will poll up to make a snide comment upon her divorce.

No.I did not say it was necessary to give up work to breastfeed. I said that I could not have breast fed and done the job I was doing.

That was when the thread was being sensible and five candles was asking me why I personally gave up work.

No. You elaborated after being called on it. Your initial comment was that you wanted to BF. Full stop.

I see you still don't accept that it was a hurtful and foolish thing to say.

Oh, of course it's wrong to make personal comments about individual's children.

Just to get this clear, metabilis. Are you saying that because I don't WOH, I am damaging my children? Yes or no.

@word indeed.

The thing is Meta, it is also true that some SAHMs feel that their children would suffer if they didn't stay at home.

And this is a large part of what drives successful, bright women out of the workplace.

You can disagree, you can think that that is not the case for your family. But you cannot scream abuse at the women who in their particular set of individual circumstances have made this decision. And frankly it makes you look defensive.

I can quite see that both options make sense for different families. And I support the hard fought for rights of women to have an equal say in how their families are run (and I also know this battle is ongoing). But I refuse to believe that staying at home is somehow immoral or an automatic waste of time/potential.

"No. You elaborated after being called on it. Your initial comment was that you wanted to BF. Full stop."

Because I though I was talking about my own personal circumstances. It was one of a list of reasons. You may have noticed that I said I wished I hadn't said it, an i was very aware that i had handed ammunition to those who attack WOHM, but I was, stupidly, behaving as if I was chatting with one person. It was just shorthand. And a mistake. As I said.

"I see you still don't accept that it was a hurtful and foolish thing to say."

I did at the bloody time!

@seeker of course not. I have never for one moment said that. And if you had actually read this thread instead of dropping in every now and then to make the same old tired and refuted comment from the last time you dropped in, you would know that. If however you peddled the same nonsense about giving up work to BF (without amplification or explanation) to your children when they asked why you stay at home instead of working like the other mums, then you would have done lots of damage to potentially lots of people - if they believed you of course. If you told them you had worked for quite long enough, and your finances were sufficiently robust that you could stay at home so why on earth not, then you are doing nothing but showing them that everyone has choices in life and sometimes if we work are when young (at school and in employment) we can find ourselves in a position where we don't have to be a wage slave anymore and we can do what we want to do (which might be working not as a wage slave, as Xenia does, or staying at home as you do). And that's the best message of all.

@Sarco I've never said it's immoral or a waste of potential. All I have said is people should be honest. Maybe some people do believe their children would be damaged if they WOHM but they are wrong and foolish and should be challenged. Children are not damaged by WOHM, they are damaged by Bad Mothers and while no doubt some WOHM are Bad Mothers - maybe I am, myself - you get plenty of SAHM who are also Bad Mothers. And frankly, micromanaging your DCs life to the extent that you are doing their schoolwork for them (as one poster upthread implied) is not, in my view, a Good Thing.

Wow. And there was me thinking I had made some quite interesting and useful contributions to the thread. And there they were - tired and refuted.

Here's an idea. You accept that I was talking about my personal circumstances when I was talking about breastfeeding, and I'll somehow find a way to accept that when you said "All you SAHMs" you didn't actually mean "All you SAHMs".

It was clear what I meant and other posters subsequently pointed that out to you.

It is equally clear what you think so I'm going to leave it there.

sarca therein lies the rub.

Do we believe our DC will suffer if we continue in our career?

I think most of us would say that if our DH were able to reduce hours/SAH we wouldn't worry at all. Only one poster on this thread has said they think it should be the woman as apparantly we are better at it.

Indeed, of the SAHDs I know, most make a jolly good fist of it. They don't see it as some herculean task. You wouldn't get them calling themselves their baby's PA as I have heard here on MN . Most do some free lance work too. I know one who hates it and is very unhappy, but the I know SAHMs who hate it and are unhappy.

However, if our DH does not want to or is not able to reduce hours/SAH, and we are talking about having two working parents, then depending on the nature of the jobs involved, perhaps the DC do suffer.

It's for this reason that I don't imagine for one second that xenia or meta's DC suffer at all. But I think ine would have due to the nature of our particular beast.

Or I thought so at the time. Years later, I do wonder if we should have muddled through for a few short years. They are out of the house for such swathes of time now, it would be easy to work, particularly if I lived close to the office.

But then there are the holidays...Oh I dunno .

seeker why are you making this about you?

You're ability to find things hurtful is astounding. Everyone listens to Xenia with a pinch of salt. And meta has explained her commnet quite succinctly. She has also stated that she supports SAHMs on numerous occasions.

You seem to get easily offended and hurt here on MN...it's just a bit of fun and interest. A place to chew the cud.

Wordfactory I agree. I should perhaps have made it clear in my post that I was referring to SAHPs - this is not exclusively a women's issue.

I think it is a fact that children crave time and input from a parent (of either sex), if they don't get enough input from either parent this is of course damaging.

Each family must draw the line as to where that work/parenting balance is. For some it is one FT one SAH. For others both part time, or one FT one part time (school hours). Or shift work with grandparent support. Or... Well frankly the list is endless, and I think for true equality to be achieved we need to extend the options not start cutting them out by saying staying at home isn't a valid choice.