SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

I think the conversation about childcare,expectations,role,domestic tasks needs to happen. a cards on table discussion. establish preference and values

I couldn't be with a man who didn't support my career and share my values about how we raise the dc.we pretty much had this all planned and in concordance

I was very much hoping to marry a millionaire who would be happy to support me in the kind of dilettante music, literature and geek culture lifestyle to which I aspired.

This did not happen.

Yellowtip, yes that is my family layout. But to listen to our male friends, you'd think I was sending DH into exile. They seem to believe that he will be incapable of coping with my unendurable absence. If that were the case, there would be even more reason for me to go. In fact a very good friend has booked 6 weeks off work in the autumn to walk the Camino de Santiago and her H is being positively Victorian about it and frankly looking like a spoilt brat.

There are minor imbalances in my relationship with DH, mainly due to the fact that I am at home all the time (due to working from here) but nothing that won't be sorted by a few months out of the house. My friend's situation is more insoluble imo. Her husband is a sexist pig and I'm not sure that 6 weeks is going to cure that.

The fact is that my DH is extremely capable, that we have two highly capable teenaged DDs at home. A university friend looked genuinely aghast when I told him what I was doing. He even asked me several times if I wasn't worried about leaving DH alone for that length of time- as though he would be playing with matches and having wild parties the moment my back was turned. That says a lot more about our friend than about DH.

@Duchesse I have a friend - who lives in our neck of the woods too - who did what you are doing when her DCs were younger - still at primary school (I mean, younger than they are now, not younger than your DD). They lived in France for about 6 months, and her DH went over every other weekend or so. They had a fab time and I know she felt it was a really positive experience for her DCs.

geek culture or greek culture
each way I'm intrigued

Geek.

what is geek culture?
I don't know what that entails
don't mean it in braggy I is too cool for school (far from it)

Lots of interesting situations clearly. Which is why I think it's easy for Xenia to counsel as she does. So complex, if you're not alone or don't want chidren or you don't earn a shedload between you or you have no inlaws to help out or one of you has a forign posting or will have to travel, even around the UK. Xenia makes it sound so easy. In fact, had I had Xenia's DH, it's possible I could be where she is now.

Maybe not :(

Why do I do this?: foreign. So retentive.

I've never corrected a mn grammatical error
I think,type and whoosh it's outhere

Amazing. And you make far more errors than me :)

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It depends whether I notice, of course. I am currently editing a book (not written by me, written by someone else, I'm doing a technical edit) and I'm being brutal on things which actually aren't strictly in my remit, such as typos, grammar etc as well as things which are (proper use of technical and legal terminology) partly because I am incredibly mean at all times and partly because there is an incredibly LOUD MTV party going on by the pool in my hotel as an 'aftershow' for the MTV Isles of Malta concert which happened this evening and which nobody told me about when I was scheduling this trip. :( So I'm in a filthy mood.

I have a colleague who regularly sends back emails with all the typos and grammatical errors marked up. It's incredibly annoying, that's why he does it. But I take the bait every time rise above his goading.

To be fair I do that to him too. But I have the sword of thingy and the shield of something else on my side.

I don't proof read mn,type and post
at work I'm exacting and precisce, so at home def not

Xenia, how do you view the Nannies and other army of people you presumably pay to replace you in looking after your children/running your home whilst you are out working at the top of the tree? As servants?

Surely it's irrelevant that Xenia is at the top of the tree?

But even if they aren't, if you earn enough, the nanny can whisk them off to an Oxbridge tutorial house and Bob Is Your Uncle.

No I don't think so Charlotte, not even with Silver Package. Just two mock interviews or something for around £400 (provided you're already at Westminster or St. Pauls or similar, if there is a similar).

I'm sure Xenia isn't concerned about her children's behaviour, self esteem or ability to form relationships. I know I'm not concerned about those factors wrt my children even though they all went to nursery from a few months old. I'm much more concerned about the mentality of those who suggest the children of WOHM will have difficulties in those areas, to be honest. And the mentality of those who attack other posters DCs.

Ooh, I started a post and then:

"I think the conversation about childcare,expectations,role,domestic tasks needs to happen. a cards on table discussion. establish preference and values"

just happened between me a DH. Possibly a bit late, five and a half years and two chidren into a marriage. It didn't really go so well...

I think this thread has really forced me to question the decisions I've made - and also the decisions I haven't made - the ones I just drifted into without really noticing.

I don't regret where I am currently, work-wise, and it works very well for us as a family, especially as my girls are still small. But this thread, and the decidedly unsatisfactory conversation with DH about him possibly doing one (FFS ONE) school pick up per week come September thereby enabling me to do one longer day, and him to be more aware of what's happening with her reading/ be involved (or at least recognised) at school etc.

I'm in a position that I could, seemingly, scale up my business quite rapidly, if I chose to. But that would involve a lot bit of redrawing of boundaries and responsibilities. I currently shoulder the bulk of the burden of childcare/housework (although we have a brilliant cleaner so I'm not doing everything). And it seems very clear that DH doesn't think he can ? or should ? do more than he does. And as he earns more than me, it seems like, from his point of view, that's that.

I started discussing this thread with him, and about how it had got me thinking about the wider implications of what we, as women decide to do about work, and, well, it kind of went downhill from there, really.

So I'm kind of LIVING this thread at the moment, to an extent. And it's a bit uncomfortable, frankly...

db
xx