Worried about teen DD. Will Beat help?

[Weightlossworried]

I'm becoming worried about my 15 yo. She's always been slim with a small appetite but lately she seems to have lost weight and is eating even less.
She denies any issues around food/body image when I've gently raised it. She hates school and for a long time has refused breakfast or to eat much or anything while there saying she feels too sick and anxious. She used to make up for it at home but doesn't really any more. She does always eat dinner and enjoys helping make it too.
I have no idea how much she weighs as we don't have scales and I don't think it would be helpful to weigh her but she is visibly thinner I believe, although she denies it.
I am pretty scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and making it worse. Can Beat offer help with this to parents? Thanks

Yes I would say it in a kindly way. “We need to get you well enough to go to Boardmasters or it just won’t be safe for you to go”.

The ED coach wants my dd to get her food to increase her independence and self reliance. Dd reckons she wants to move out in September. And she’s nowhere near there. With dd it’s the opposite. She’s decided to make her food twice a week for the past 2 weeks and I’ve let it run to see how it goes and it’s decreasing in size. Dd noticed on Sunday she hadn’t cooked enough pasta.

Today I will be stepping in and ensuring she makes enough, otherwise I am going to need to start making it for her. That will be a joy with a nearly 18 yo, who won’t admit she has a problem with eating!

As I say, I absolutely agree with natural consequences. She already has those but I don't think of them as punishments - of course she can't go horse riding until she's at a weight that makes it safe to do it.

She is due to go to leavers assembly at school this week and potentially out with friends after. She won't be going if she doesn't eat her breakfast. Not as a punishment but because it's not safe for her to be out being active with no food.

I'm not comfortable with things like banning screens or taking her phone away. There's actually not much else we can use as consequence because her friends are shit and she hardly sees them.

I mean, honestly I would love a trip to Boardmasters to be on the table but yesterday she reached out to her supposed best friend to tell her about the holiday and the response was 'oh no' and then sending a load of pictures of her with friends at a get together she hasn't been invited to..

This poor kid of mine desperately needs a decent relationship with me and her dad at the moment. She has nobody else to lean on or speak to.

Have you checked her phone @Weightlossworried? Taking her phone away might be in her best interest anyway. My dd was looking up all sorts of pro anorexia content and I thought I was keeping quite a close eye on it.

Im sorry her friends are so useless, that response does sound fairly normal for teen girls though…

The reality is if she doesn’t eat the ultimate consequence is she’ll die (which is what anorexia wants). The other alternative is hospital and ng tubes.

Food is non negotiable but how you get that message through to your dd does very much depend on what you know works for her. You will know how to get her to do stuff she doesn’t want to do as you’ve been doing that since she was a toddler.

It’s a hideous illness and I can remember the feeling of being in a black hole. Hold onto the faith that your dd wants to recover and she has two loving parents fighting for her.

Ugh OP this sounds like my daughter's ex-best friend as well. She used to do this to her all the time, before my daughter eventually blocked her on everything for her own well-being. Some girls are so unbelievably cruel it's just beyond belief.

Yes we do check it and I have debated removing it for her own sake - but I if do that it will be from that place rather than as a result of her not eating a meal. I can't make up my mind on it though. We talk a lot about toxic content and how recovery accounts are often more harmful than good etc.

This is the thing really, an authoritarian approach has never really worked on DD. That probably makes me sound really weak and like I let her get away with murder. I don't and never have. She's always been very well behaved.

I honestly don't know what to do. There are times I wish she would be admitted somewhere because I'm clearly not capable of helping her

Yes this has been a recurring theme unfortunately. Not just leaving her out of stuff but making sure they rub her nose in it. She was really looking forward to leavers assembly this week and potentially spending time with them after but she doesn't know whether to go now

I wonder why this is a recurring theme? Such lack of empathy from friends? It really does make the whole situation so much harder xx

i can only speak for my dd in this regard. She has a friend, who she’s forgiven. And who I have finally forgiven. She was bloody awful. Said the most dreadful things about dd’s ED. Real cyber bullying stuff. This girl is jealous. Jealous of the attention. Jealous of the way my daughter looks. The friend used to be the skinny one growing up. And now my daughter is the skinny one, getting all of the attention from boys.

Often kids don’t see the negative side. They only see the positive. And that is our children are getting a lot of attention when they aren’t. And if they’re being mean, it’s because they’re not mature enough to understand how dangerous the situation really is.

On the flip side, my daughter has a best friend, who dedicated her time to helping her eat when things were dire. She’d announce at leasta couple of times a week she was coming here for dinner.

I think we’ve all felt like that at times, I can remember wishing someone would take dd away and make her eat/ng feed her. It’s really bleak when you’re in the midst of it.

It’s hard as well feeling on your own with it, no one in my family, friends or work colleagues understood EDs (and still don’t understand really) I had lots of unhelpful comments about leaving her to it 🤔 and how she’ll eat when she wants it 🙄

You can be authoritarian but do it with kindness and love, ‘I’m sorry this is so hard for you but you need to take another mouthful’ ‘why don’t we go to the cinema/play a game/watch a film tonight after you’ve finished all of your dinner’ ‘I’m guessing the ED is giving you a hard time today? I’m sorry about that but you need to finish your snack’ etc etc.

Being able to manage and contain their distress and anxiety is really important, if you can’t manage their difficult feelings then they definitely won’t be able to.

You might find having some counselling just for you is helpful.

It is really hard, and relentless at times. I really hear you at keeping the relationship as non combative as possible, which is not the same as being weak or giving in. The ED logic is so warped that rewards and consequences can be backwards to how a well person sees things
You've got this, take all the support you can and take one step at a time

fhat makes a lot of sense about the jealousy - as crazy as it is for us to understand, young girls are jealous of a lot of things.

@Weightlossworried I have said before about wanting to go into or back to hospital. I totally understand it. It’s not that you aren’t capable, it’s that this is often far beyond anything we knew existed never mind something we know what to do with. You are doing all you can and you’re doing it with kindness and empathy. If I wore a hat I would take it off for you, instead I will raise a glass to you xx

Just typing on my old thread because I don't want to hog the other one. I just need to get this out because I'm really struggling.

At our last appointment the dietician said we need to make sure DD stays at the table for 30 mins at meal time. Despite laying out the full amount for breakfast, she has never once eaten more than a bowl of cereal so we'd given up making her stay and let her just go. This week I've been making her stay for 30 mins. It's been a total shit show. I knew she'd be unhappy but bloody hell. The first day she barely spoke to us all day but eventually came round. The 2nd day she didn't speak to us at all. Yesterday she refused her lunch as she was still upset from breakfast. Same again today.

This is what I find so hard. I don't care that she launched a belvita across the room this morning. I can deal with that. What makes me waver is the escalation in food refusal when we challenge the ed. It never seems to lead anywhere but eating less. We actually had a 300g weight gain last week. This week we'll be lucky not to have lost. I find myself wondering why I didn't just leave things as they were?

Sending you lots of love and strength. I remember those days that you are in, so vividly. After recovery, my DD told me everything through out her illness she lied about. It was the ED talking. Always try to separate the two. You are doing the best you can. An ED is the absolute worst thing to happen to our children.

I'm concerned about DSs restricted eating and I decided to be open about it with him. I said I was worried about his developing an ED, and asked him to weigh himself, then I talked to him about where he is on the healthy weight chart. He says he doesn't have a problem. I asked if he would agree to weigh himself monthly, and said that if he's lost more by the next time, then he does have a problem. I was kind and caring but quite matter of fact about it.

I was worried about how to approach it, but this went OK as an opener, and I felt a bit better. I think he's been eating a bit more since then too.
I looked at the Beat website and found the info a bit obvious. E.g. 'don't shame or get angry with DC'!
Good luck op, it is worrying, and sorry but I don't feel I can rely on my GP or CAMHs to help much - we've all heard about the long waiting lists.

@JasmineTea11 I don't wish to worry you but I wouldn't take a watch and wait attitude with this. Definitely don't assume your GP and CAMHs won't help. My DD swore blind she wasn't deliberately restricting food until I found it hidden in her room. We saw a GP and got referred very quickly to the CAMHs ed team. They're not perfect but they are certainly a damn sight better than trying to deal with this alone. We see them weekly.

In a month your son could lose a lot if he's restricting - it is scary how quickly an ed can take hold and have an impact on their physical and mental health.

In the meantime, I'd get him on 3 meals and snacks a day and make sure he's eating them.

Hi @Weightlossworried I have been thinking about you. I totally hear what you are saying about leaving things as they were, but she isn't eating enough as things were. I don't want to sound crazy, but you are achieving more by her not eating it, as she his showing she won't Does that make sense? There is no point keep gaining 300g if she isn't eating what she needs. What would she eat if you didn't make her?

Has she been diagnosed? I know about hte issues with CAHMs and I totally get your frustrations with them, but I think you are starting to uncover the issues she has etc. Obviously you would rather she din't have issues, but by changing things she is refusing food which is showing what will happen if you don't continue to increase her food.

I relly do get it seems silly to essentially be the reason she didn't eat much yesterday, but you weren't the reason she was! Does that make sense? I know when I was you I just wanted to go back to normal and stop all appointments etc, but you want recovery and a new normal where your daughter learns to eat what she needs etc xx

Thank you @Pearl97 I needed to hear that. It feels so counter intuitive to make her worse when I want her to get better.

She is diagnosed with anorexia, yes. Nothing else if you meant is she ND? I have wondered about that but I know the ed can mimic Nd traits.

I am not meaning is she ND I think we are all a little ND and I think the ED definitely mimics Nd traits.

I know you do and don't want to hear it, I really do. You aren't making her worse though, I know you feel like you are, you are just not doing as the ED wants! xx

Just realised that the previous poster had done the Mumsnet classic of reading the op of a 16 page thread and not looked for any updates....I thought she was looking for advice! Oh well, hopefully my reply helped as I'm genuinely very worried by what she said about her child.

My head was scrambled yesterday. We have a CAMHs appointment today which is good. Our usual nurse is off this week which is also good. Although I think DD is at the point where she hates everybody, I like the nurse we're seeing instead. She's a bit easier to talk to.

Great you have someone to else. Maybe mention to them how much better you find the sessions with them. They may be able to swap with the other nurse, you never know.

I think our heads are scrambled more than there not. Like we said before, as much as we dread these appointments, without them we would be a lot worse. Thinking of you. Let me know how it goes. You’re fab xx

So she's lost 200g. Not a surprise given the last couple of days.

They've given us a meal plan with clearer snacks options.

The nurse said the same as you, we need to keep being uncompromising even if it means she eats less initially. She was lovely though and acknowledged how hard that is.

I feel better for knowing as hard as it is we are doing what we need to do. I wish they had some magic solution for how we actually get her to eat the full meal and snack though. We can make her sit for the full length of time. We can prompt, distract and encourage but none of it seems to result in actually eating the full amount.

I’m really glad they were kind to you. They will tell you, you offer it and that’s all you can do. Distract during it etc. I know it sounds silly as you know she won’t at the moment, but in time she might eat it. If she doesn’t they will help you. It sounds like they understand what is going on now, you’re doing everything right. I know it might feel like you aren’t but you are xx

@Weightlossworried did you mention meds to them? I wonder if some medications may help lessen your DDs anxiety around food.

My dd hated everyone in Camhs, it was embarrassing how rude she was to all of them, she told the dietitian to fuck off at one appointment 🙈 luckily she was very nice and said she’s used to it!