Worried about teen DD. Will Beat help?

[Weightlossworried]

I'm becoming worried about my 15 yo. She's always been slim with a small appetite but lately she seems to have lost weight and is eating even less.
She denies any issues around food/body image when I've gently raised it. She hates school and for a long time has refused breakfast or to eat much or anything while there saying she feels too sick and anxious. She used to make up for it at home but doesn't really any more. She does always eat dinner and enjoys helping make it too.
I have no idea how much she weighs as we don't have scales and I don't think it would be helpful to weigh her but she is visibly thinner I believe, although she denies it.
I am pretty scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and making it worse. Can Beat offer help with this to parents? Thanks

It would be useful to weigh her if you can.

have you contacted your GP? They can refer her to tutoring eating disorder clinic if they think necessary. They will do her height and weight at GP appointment. It is definitely worth contacting GP xx

Beat have helpful resources for you to help her. But if shes denying there's an issue they probably can't do much directly.
This was my DD around Christmas, and for us the change to her acknowledging she needed to go to the gp came when a teacher asked her about her weight and eating. So if your DD won't entertain the GP perhaps someone in safeguarding or pastoral support at school can talk to her. School can make a camhs referral if they are also concerned, which will also start the medical help she may need.
Sorry you've had to join us and sending support to you and your DD x

Thank you both. I did a web chat with Beat and they pointed me towards some resources. It would appear the best thing for me to do is bring this out into the open. I'm going to weigh her on the weekend and take it from there. It's a good idea to see if anyone else can talk to her. I'll think about that one.

Absolutely get it out in the open.
It's very hard and if she does have an eating disorder be prepared for denial, denial and anger...but stand strong.
I ignored the signs hoping it was a phase and too scared to name it...7 yys later we are still dealing with it.
I wish I'd tackled things when my dd was 14 much sooner.
Feast.org
Is another great resource...has phone lines manned by parents , loads of resources, including a first 30 days plan for parents and very active forum full of parents supporting parents.
I found beat pretty useless tbh

I would have liked my mum to openly acknowledge it. To explain that she’d noticed, that she was worried and to ask if I was happy? I wish I’d had counselling as a young teen as the behaviour/ beliefs that drove mine led to all sorts of addictive type behaviour eventually including alcoholism. I’m 12 years in recovery now but do agree that bringing it out in the open is sensible.

Get her to the GP. 15 is when DD’s anorexia started and we’ve only just found out - she’s now 22. She was shocked to have been diagnosed and so were we. It really kicked in this year after graduation and she is having treatment now. Recovery will take a long time but she’s very motivated. Hers is rooted in anxiety and started due to GCSE worries, which she never shared, and then was on and off during uni. She’s now relatively open about it with us, which is good.

Thank you once again. I really appreciate it. I'll check out feast.org.

I weighed her tonight, we do actually have scales but hidden away and never used. I found a copy of a form we'd given the stables she rides at and had her weight on it. She's lost 5kg since then and is officially underweight according to NHS percentiles.

She claims she had no idea, she didn't think she'd lost weight, wasn't trying to etc. She has agreed she needs to eat more. I'm very sceptical but we'll see. If I don't see a dramatic improvement (and I'm sure I won't tbh) then I'm making an appointment with the GP.

Just reading it back that paragraph makes it sound like I was confrontational or cross. I absolutely wasn't. I was calm and factual about it and told her that I'm always here for her if she's struggling.

I feel reassured by you all that I'm doing the right thing not tip toeing around it so that's something at least.

I should add that I think my daughter's is rooted in anxiety around school too. I'm minded to call them tomorrow and tell them my concerns to see if they can offer some support or at least back off her with some of the pressure they put on her.

What region are you in? Beat does run a service for parents that sounds like it could help you but I imagine the helpline would have told you if you were eligible. I recommend the book Skills Based caring for a loved one with an eating disorder. It talks about having the conversation etc. would she contact the beat helpline? Tell them her mum asked her to call?

You are absolutely doing the right thing addressing this. You’re a great mum ❤️

@mildlysweaty they don't have anything local but thanks for the book recommendation. I'm not sure she'd agree to speak to them as she's adamant she doesn't have an ED at the moment. It might well be worth me asking her to look at the website though to see if anything resonates. And thank you for the kind words. I feel like I've failed her somehow.

You haven't failed her. She is most likely unwell and you are addressing that.
It sounds like you're taking very positive steps, and reaching out for the right support. Go easy on yourself and be assured ED are illnesses and noones fault

Duplicated

There's an eating disorders board on MN

Sorry I mean there is a long running thread for parents on here.

@Weightlossworriedhttps://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5334326-support-thread-14-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder

We found the Eva Musby book essential reading. Was also recommended to us by the ED psychiatrist we saw. It was a helpful guide for what the hell to actually do as a parent.

The denial is very common. My dd wasted away in GCSE year. I rationalised she was just losing loads of weight as I did at that age when I became waif thin and it would sort itself out. Turns out that it’s a genetic lottery. Some - like me - will be, others - like dd - will develop mental illness. When I talked to her she said she was fine and very snappy so I backed off to leave her space in my eyes to sort things out. I wish I’d addressed it a lot sooner. Two and a half years later, she lacks insight and still just tolerates that I tell her she has an ED rather than believing it.

It’s good you're getting a grip on this. Regardless of what happens over the weekend, I would urge you to get a referral to CAMHS. As for school, it is a good idea to ask them to back off. Idk what support they can give her.

Dds best friends mum (extremely forthright American) rang me to say something wasn’t right. I was in denial as my sister had got very thin at a similar age and was fine. We let it go 6 months she was nearly admitted before we realised. Actually the main regret of my life is not acting sooner.

Read the Musby book it explains clearly what you are dealing with and what to do. All the normal rules stop applying. Nothing else matters. Our lives had to go on hold while we dealt with it.

We were shocked at the reaction of the professionals. The CAHMs lady was so concerned when we related height / weight and behaviour over the phone and said “this is extremely serious”. The psychiatrist raised admittance as the next step. Can’t believe we let it get to that stage..Anorexia does not warrant a “wait and see” softly softly approach.

DD was similar at 15.:She's very sporty so understood that to do the activities she loved, she needed enough fuel.
She refused breakfast and lunch and was often out in the evenings so could avoid dinner. She would eat pasta and school cookies. I think there was peer pressure going on at school as well.

She took herself to the GP and was immediately referred to the eating disorder service but they thought it was only disordered eating and her anxiety wasn't high enough for her to access any support from them.

She would accept anything labeled'high protein ' so I ensured there was protein powder, protein shakes, protein yogurts, protein pancakes, cold cooked chicken etc.

It's still an occasional issue. When she's stressed, or I've offered support she doesn't want and made her life unbearable, she still refuses food and probably eats a family meal once a week - and we nearly always have dinner together.

Thank you all. You are spurring me into action. She's not going to school today, very upset, stressed and tired. I've asked for an urgent call back from the school. I was going to give it a couple of weeks to see if she'd put on weight but I'm going to ring the GP too.

I've been out and bought all her favourite snacks to try and tempt her but I doubt she'll eat them. It occurred to me that she needs to triple her current intake of food if she wants to gain weight. I don't see that happening all by itself.

Thank you also for sharing your stories and I'm so sorry to those going through this.

I actually grew up with an anorexic sister so I have always been hyper aware of how much my kids are eating. My husband had noticed nothing despite being a very loving and involved dad. It's made me realise how easy it is to miss this stuff

It is so easy to miss and no one’s fault. Make sure you tell the GP about the weight loss, that should concern them enough to refer you.

We’re thinking of you and here to help xx

I absolutely love my GP surgery. I submitted an online request at 8am and they've just called with an appointment for this afternoon.

Scary though, they clearly are taking it seriously. I put her height and weight on the request. I'll update with how we get on.

Thanks again

I’m really pleased. Please keep in touch xx

I tell everyone with any suspicion to read the Musby book. The earlier it’s dealt with the better. If it’s a false alarm great no harm done.

Not acting sooner is actually my greatest parenting regret / fail. I had an another mother telling me there was a problem with my child and I was adamant there wasn’t. By the time we acted the professionals were seriously concerned as she had barely eaten for 6 months. Don’t be me.

Sorry it’s all coming back as it’s exactly this weekend last year. And it’s all good now! We are through it with the help of a brilliant ED psychiatrist and CAHMs.

You might need to start the magic plate method. Painful but essential. Tell her firmly but lovingly you are in charge of food now. Breakfast / snack / lunch / snack / dinner / snack. All supervised by you and dad. She will hate you for it. Fun times.

Note I am only an expert on my own child others may have different views.