Worried about teen DD. Will Beat help?

[Weightlossworried]

I'm becoming worried about my 15 yo. She's always been slim with a small appetite but lately she seems to have lost weight and is eating even less.
She denies any issues around food/body image when I've gently raised it. She hates school and for a long time has refused breakfast or to eat much or anything while there saying she feels too sick and anxious. She used to make up for it at home but doesn't really any more. She does always eat dinner and enjoys helping make it too.
I have no idea how much she weighs as we don't have scales and I don't think it would be helpful to weigh her but she is visibly thinner I believe, although she denies it.
I am pretty scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and making it worse. Can Beat offer help with this to parents? Thanks

@Weightlossworried I totally get the mixed emotions. It’s hard to know how to behave too as you want your daughter to trust you etc xx

Thanks @Weightlossworried I will have a look at your other post - no not teaching me to suck eggs at all, this is very much our first rodeo. I don't really know what to check for. We always eat together and I know a colleague of mine said her daughter got very good at hiding her food, but I don't honestly know what I'm looking for. I do think she's eating. I mean the food goes in her mouth, she chews and swallows...I can only assume. She doesn't get up after the meal, she stays with us. Her mood honestly seems better a lot of the time and I think it's because she's not as hungry. Time will tell I guess.

Can i please say that she may not be lying about everything just because she lies about some ED related things.

I was anorexic from aged 15 but also vegetarian. I am now a vegan (from aged 18, I am now 44).

It is possible to have an eating disorder(any disorder!) and also care about animal welfare.

If my parents had have tried to make me eat meat it would have sent me into such a spiral of guilt that I would've been so so angry with them I would have stopped listening altogether.

Good luck, but be careful with that one.

Thanks but as a vegetarian I was more than happy to accommodate. Interestingly enough though as soon as the eating disorder was out in the open the vegetarianism stopped. In her case I absolutely believe she'd worked out there were often lower calories in vegetarian options.

We're struggling with this, but in fairness to DD she has been pescatarian since she was 6 so we are pretty much stuck with it!

As long as she's eating every meal and snack with you that's great. When we initially had our suspicions, I naively let her take food up to her room. I found the food stashed in various places.

We still have to be quite vigilant as she likes to crumble things to get away with not eating all of whatever it is; 'theres only a few crumbs left!'. I've also realised she'll decant things out of packets into bowls to try and leave bits of food in the packet.

We are 2 years post diagnosis and she is fully recovered, happy and thriving. Honestly, it feels a lot like it was a terrible dream. Everything is good now, but it was without a doubt the worst ordeal we have ever been through and I really feel for other families going through this. It was completely unexpected and smashed our family like a sledgehammer. One positive is that it actually strengthened my relationship with my husband as we had to work as a team like we never had before.

I absolutely wouldn't be trying to force her to eat meat in those circumstances. That would be like me trying to force my daughter to eat food she has never liked just because it's high calories.

So we had another 200g gain. Not enough but not as bad as it could have been. They've suggested that next week spend a bit of time on her own with them so she can talk about her feelings. Not therapy as such but I think that would be helpful.

They've suggested she doesn't go back to school. I need to discuss the implications of it with the head of year. She had a GCSE exam on Friday and the rest of them start soon. My understanding is that she would need to be in hospital to be officially offered predicted grades for her GCSE results. I'd be delighted if I'm wrong though and a letter from CAMHs saying she's not well enough would suffice.

I can only tell you my experience and because of that, I would think this over a great deal. Your dd is only going in for exams now, and you may be able to get her eating breaks. My dd’s school offered this but she declined as she was still very much starving herself, eating minuscule amounts during her exams.

In the event, dd managed to perform well, over her predicted grades for the most part. Of course our dds are different. Maybe ask yourself what her personal type is. Mine would begrudge me had I tried this, even though I now realise she was at medical risk… not that I’m suggesting your dd should sit the exams if she is at risk.

What did your dd say?

And 200g is an excellent gain. It would be lovely if mine could do that.

She very much wants to get whatever she needs to get to college to do her a levels. I don't think she's particularly bothered or stressed about getting really amazing grades, just what she needs.
She hates school and doesn't really have any friends so she won't care about it from that point of view.

I think if I could get her predicted grades she'd be happy with that. She has been completely unable to focus on work or revision over the holidays. I think she'll be really stressed and upset trying to do the exams off the back of little to no revision.

Thank you as ever for your responses @Mummyoflittledragon

@Libre2
Your dd can do DofE another time. Or skip silver and do gold in 6th form, or up to the age of 24. Her health is way more important than a walk. My dd dropped gold. She should be doing the practice walk this Easter. Doing DofE is bloody risky. I would not let a child with an active eating disorder do it. And the organisers should refuse also. As Girlie said, your dd could die from the exertion.

As for being pescatarian, if your dd ate like this way before the ED, it would be artificial to expect her to start eating meat and could potentially be very detrimental to recovery. My dd went vegetarian because of ED. She’s still only eating chicken and it took 2 years for her to restart. Fish contains a lot of micro nutrients, amino acids (for muscle synthesis) and essential fatty acids.

You’re welcome ☺️. You’ve got your answer there, then haven’t you? I hope, therefore, that she can get the grades without sitting the exams.

We had a very positive engagement with CAMHS this afternoon. She has gained weight since we went to the GP, her blood pressure and core temp were fine. They want to facilitate the D of E so will look at mitigations and will see her again on Wednesday to make a definite decision. They were so lovely and it went better than either DD or I feared.

@Weightlossworried sending sympathy - having gone through GCSEs with DS last year they are stressful enough without adding an ED into the mix.

That's really good news. I hope this means you've caught it early and a relatively quick recovery is possible

@Weightlossworried this may or may not be helpful. My daughter was diagnosed with AN Jan 25. She took her GCSEs a year ago. These were allowed a day on day basis with check ups every 2nd day I think. Eventually she became too unwell to finish her exams and was hospitalised. She had 2 science exams left and received her grade based on a calculation of the 4/6 science exams she had taken. The school exams officer was very helpful with this and had all the relevant information. She was also allowed rest/ snack breaks and had a padded chair. For DD she wanted to take her exams desperately so we went with this. I think but I may be wrong that a certain percentage of the exams have to be undertaken for the grade to be calculated and given. I hope that is helpful and the school can offer more clarity. It’s a stressful time for sure.

Thank you @Tops16. I have read the guidance on it but it's quite complicated. It does seem to suggest if you've completed x% of assessments of a subject you can miss an exam. I'll speak to the school Monday. I doubt this is the first time they've been asked the question unfortunately.

Lots of push back on food today. Lunch has been refused. She wanted a crisp sandwich. She needs more than that. In her little eating disordered mind I think it was a way of 'allowing' herself crisps. Sandwich AND crisps has been refused. I'm questioning myself now because of course a crisp sandwich is better than the nothing she ended up having. It felt like a 'lose the battle to win the war' moment though.

I really hope school can help you on Monday. This all sounds very stressful. I hope you can breath a little when you know what’s happening. It’s hard if she isn’t desperate to get back to school, you just need to know where you stand. As you say, school will be very knowledgeable on what will happen. This is really hard for you, we’re here to listen xx

@Weightlossworried thinking of you. I hope school were helpful and have taken some of the load from you xx

Thank you. School have been great. They are happy to make any adjustments she needs if she were to sit the exams. Special considerations have already been requested. They're speaking to the exam board about her potentially not sitting them at all.

I’m really glad they’re being supportive. Right now you don’t need any more stress.

I hope your week is going ok xx

@Weightlossworried I always think of you on a Friday. I remember the weigh
ins well and me not really knowing how I felt. Just to say we’re here for you xx

Thank you for thinking of me. Slight loss this week - only 100g but still worrying. DD is obviously delighted. She's not so happy tonight though, we asked CAMHs to come and do a supported meal with us tomorrow. She's really upset and threatening not to eat anything. I half wish I'd never asked but the other half thinks this is exactly what we need to be doing - keep confronting the issue, and if we're upsetting her that's probably a good thing in a way.

Supported meals are a good idea as they will discuss portion size with you too. I’m glad they agreed to that, I think it will help you both as you can’t do all of this.

please don’t feel you have to update us, but I do think of you regularly. I remember these early days asking for help and not knowing if I wanted it xx