Worried about teen DD. Will Beat help?

[Weightlossworried]

I'm becoming worried about my 15 yo. She's always been slim with a small appetite but lately she seems to have lost weight and is eating even less.
She denies any issues around food/body image when I've gently raised it. She hates school and for a long time has refused breakfast or to eat much or anything while there saying she feels too sick and anxious. She used to make up for it at home but doesn't really any more. She does always eat dinner and enjoys helping make it too.
I have no idea how much she weighs as we don't have scales and I don't think it would be helpful to weigh her but she is visibly thinner I believe, although she denies it.
I am pretty scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and making it worse. Can Beat offer help with this to parents? Thanks

I didn't notice her drinking and in fact she asked to have her snack after her appointment which I agreed to thinking it would be better from a weigh in point of view but obviously regretted when she then wouldn't eat it.

I did ask about blind weigh ins. They were against them and DD says she wants to see so I'm overruled. I really wish we'd done them blind from the start because I don't think she'd have questioned it.

I agree she may well hate anybody involved in the process to be fair.

I think you need to keep asking at every appointment re blind weighing, it makes me really angry and completely baffled that they insist on telling them.

If your dd is under 16 I don’t think they can overrule you tbh. I would email the team and outline your reasons for wanting dd blind weighed, explain the consequences of what happens when she knows she gained and how this negatively impacts her mood and food intake.

My dd hated all of the Camhs team, she saw a few different people and always ignored them. I think it’s the illness telling them that the professionals are stupid and don’t know anything etc.

Things came to a bit of a head - I went in at lunchtime and she's been self harming.

Nothing too deep thankfully but we've removed all sharp blades, medication etc and phoned CAMHs for help.

They were reassuring and gave us info about keeping her safe, crisis teams etc

I said again she really needs to be blind weighed, also asked for a different nurse although I did acknowledge as you said that she may just hate every CAMHs nurse.

I alternate between feeling absolute despair and basically disassociating and feeling nothing. Every time I think it can't get worse, it does. I have completely failed her as a parent.

@Weightlossworried I am so sorry. It is a hideous journey. And no, you haven't failed her at all; you are doing everything you can to get her help. It is so difficult and you have my utmost sympathy.

You haven’t failed her, I felt exactly the same as you and it is a horrendous illness. You wouldn’t feel you failed her if she had cancer and this is no different, it’s an illness anyone can get and there’s very little rhyme or reason as to who it effects.

It is normal for them to self harm when they know they’ve gained (another reason to blind weigh) my DD once cut the word ‘fat’ into her thigh 😢😢😢

Can you get signed off work for a bit?

You have not failed her. This is not your fault or her fault. It’s a horrible illness and recovery is absolutely possible but it’s bloody hard. The SH is, sadly, unsurprising. I found it incredibly upsetting. My daughter only did it briefly. She still has scars but they don’t seem to bother her any more.

As the others have said @Weightlossworried you haven’t failed her. My goodness you have been amazing, this isn’t anyone’s fault. You do need to draw on all support though, this is an unbelievable amount for you to deal with. You’re not alone though xx

Please don't think you've failed your daughter @Weightlossworried
You're a very good mother. You're getting her help and you're doing your very best to beat the ED.
It's very hard.
Don't despair - we're all here to help you and support you.

No you haven’t failed her. This is a reaction to eating. It’s not your fault. My dd hasn’t suffered from self harm. She developed OCD. That’s another very common reaction to eating. This will pass. And you’ve caught it early.

I would wait a little, a couple of days perhaps, then maybe see if she will open up to you. Maybe tell her you’ve been thinking about what she did and you're a bit worried she might do it again, because it may feel like an attractive option, especially someone with a ED. See what she says. Depending on how well it goes, you might be able to tell her it’s a dangerous thing to do it to herself and reiterate that this is why you’ve been so worried about it.

I am aware she’s still really young. And hopefully lots of love, reassurance and cuddles can get her to understand this isn’t a good strategy to manage anxiety. Your dd is in there and she loves you, you will get through this.

Thank you all so much for your messages. They are helping me more than I can say. I ended up slipping a letter under her door and she responded to that. By the end of the evening she was spending time with us and had brightened up a little.

When I took the scissors out of her room she told me I was 'taking everything away from her' which was telling. We have taken away the things that make her feel better - obviously we have to because they're also hurting her. We need to replace them with healthy coping mechanisms but I just don't know how to do that. Hopefully CAMHs can help this week. My poor little girl 😢

This app was recommended for our daughter. It didn’t help in her case, she just rolled her eyes. But worth a look https://calmharm.stem4.org.uk/

You are doing everything right. I really hope you get some help next week. This has so tough. Your daughter will thank you in the future for helping her, right now she is just poorly and you are helping to make her better xxx

Thanks for the app recommendation, I'll chat to DD about it.

My DH has been doing the developing dolphins course with Beat and he was discussing with them how upsetting the CAMHs appts are for DD. They suggested discussing with them whether she could miss the odd one. She actually has the opportunity to go out with friends this week and sod's law it's the time of the CAMHs appt. I think I'm going to ask to move it at the least if not skip this week. She gained the most last week she ever gained. She's back to eating her normal amount. They don't/won't offer any kind of therapy so it's not like they'll be able to help with the self harm. Particularly if it's her usual nurse.

She is so socially isolated at the moment. She never sees friends it feels so important to let her have that opportunity. She actually asked me last night how she can make friends so she's not lonely over the summer. I said I'd have a think but I'm a bit lost. I can't find any activities for her age group that are non-physical. I feel so sad for her. If she was well enough she could look for a part time job, volunteer, she'd be down the stables helping out. None of that is available to her and it's not going to help her mood to be stuck with her parents. We can and do take her out every day but she wants her own life and friends.

I think a balance is so important. Losing all hope and not having a life makes everything appear worse.

Could you ask to have a telephone conversation with the nurse during the time you would usually visit? Now self harm is involved they may help more?

I think you should go with what you think is best. Knowing all you have on this week is a trip to the ED centre can really make life seem very tough.

How are you doing? This is a lot for you. Does your daughter have plans for September? Xx

Bless you it’s so hard sending support. Hope she finds her way out of this difficult stage. You are doing everything right. Agree with girlie you need to fight the beast but it’s so hard as it’s in your beloved dd.

i think all you can do is plough on with getting her weight up so she could go to the stables.
could she go there and do something not too strenuous?

It’s a tricky one, isn’t it? She’s self harming. I would be tempted to let your dd have the week off if they can’t move it. Friendships are so important and she’s going to eat better if she has less anxiety around that. But what reassurance do you have that she won’t continue to hurt herself? I think all you can do is talk to her about that and depending on what she says, get an agreement that she misses it on the proviso she continues to follow the plan and continues to eat a decent amount, as she has been doing.

I also think if she’s eating enough and has enough energy, you could look at allowing her to go to the stables, that is, as long as she agrees to look after herself. Idk how well she is, but perhaps she can do less strenuous activities, such as gently grooming the horses in their stables (ie not removing mud etc or intense brushing), or perhaps even just plaiting their manes and tails… and yes, I know that also takes effort, but less than bringing them in, turning out, tacking up etc. My dd wouldn’t follow those rules tbh. But yours might.

Yes I may ask for a phone conversation with the nurse. I'm doing ok thanks for asking. The support on here helps so very much. Someone up thread asked about me getting signed off work. I feel like I really need to keep busy. Luckily we have very flexible jobs that mean we can stay home and support every meal. I think if all I had to focus on was DD and the ED I'd struggle to stay calm and upbeat for her.

She does have plans for September- hopefully she'll be off to college to do a levels.

She doesn't want to go to the stables and not ride, she doesn't want people to ask questions.

I don't really have any reassurance about her not hurting herself unfortunately. All I can do is keep talking to her like you say.

I was thinking that's what I'd say to her re seeing her friends. As long as she's staying on plan that's fine.

Thanks again everyone

RE the stables, I think sometimes it’s ok not to tell everyone the truth about what is going on. Could she just say she’s hurt her leg or something. We all need motivation and a reason to push through hard times. I really hope she can get back to doing what she loves soon. I do also understand that she knows what she has to do to be allowed back.

I am glad you can still work. Having the ED dominate your lives is very hard.

I will be thinking of you this week xx

@Weightlossworried my daughter also hated school in y10. The shift to GCSEs seemed to trigger something. She had very low self esteem and struggled with friendships. She did have some close friends but had massive social anxiety and did not want to do anything. At the low points of her illness she was curled up on the floor in the foetal position sobbing about how lonely she was. Bit by bit she improved. Weight gain then private psychotherapy from a personal recommendation. Slow, slow progress. Two years on she is about to turn 17, has a massive group of lovely friends and is very happy. I just wanted to offer some hope and encouragement but at the same time every child is so different. We also have no autism diagnosis but I had wondered. Her therapist says she is a bit late in her emotional development.

@sammyspoon it’s always lovely to hear positive stories. I really am so pleased everything is going so well.

@Weightlossworried thinking of you xx

Thank you so much for sharing this. It really helps to hear positive recovery stories when you're in the thick of things.

Thinking of you @Weightlossworried I was just thinking of you when pegging out the washing, so thought I would drop you a line xx

Oh thank you for thinking of us!

Nothing much has changed. She still doesn't fully engage with the meal plan but her weight has slowly crept up. She's almost 2kg restored now in total. Not as fast as we'd like and her thought process is still very anorexic but it feels like tiny shuffling steps the right way.

CAMHs make it very hard to stay positive though. Her nurse is relentlessly negative and lecturing which we're all finding very hard. He likes to talk about her ending up in hospital at every appointment which isn't helpful. It feels like he thinks he can frighten her out of it whereas I think increased anxiety makes her worse.

We have a check up with a doctor next week as they're not happy about us going on holiday. That's fine, we take their concerns seriously obviously but again, the nurses manner is incredibly difficult. He has repeatedly expressed astonishment at the fact our insurers are ok with her travelling and haven't asked for a doctor letter. I get the impression he thinks we're lying about having informed them.

All in all it feels like CAMHs are making everything harder. We keep this opinion to ourselves of course because we don't want to undermine them to her.