Worried about teen DD. Will Beat help?

[Weightlossworried]

I'm becoming worried about my 15 yo. She's always been slim with a small appetite but lately she seems to have lost weight and is eating even less.
She denies any issues around food/body image when I've gently raised it. She hates school and for a long time has refused breakfast or to eat much or anything while there saying she feels too sick and anxious. She used to make up for it at home but doesn't really any more. She does always eat dinner and enjoys helping make it too.
I have no idea how much she weighs as we don't have scales and I don't think it would be helpful to weigh her but she is visibly thinner I believe, although she denies it.
I am pretty scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and making it worse. Can Beat offer help with this to parents? Thanks

How is your daughter feeling about a holiday? It sounds like you all need one!

Is there any way to see an ED GP each week rather than this nurse? We saw a GP just for physical health check. Seeing an actual GP helped a lot as they could see the ED as well as the medical side of things

2kg is good, you’re doing well! Xx

Thank you. She's really looking forward to it and is devastated by the suggestion we may not be able to go. I don't have concerns about her eating while we're there - she is rigid in some respects but seems to manage well enough when we've had a weekend away or eaten out. It's also very much a relaxing and lying by the pool kind of holiday.

Hopefully the doctor will sign her off as physically fit.

The nurse is an ED nurse so he does the physical checks and stuff but it comes with a weekly lecture and zero encouragement. The rest of the ed team seem completely different. We go to their weekly support group for parents and they are much gentler and more encouraging. I have asked to swap nurses but was told it wouldn't be possible due to work loads. I think we're stuck with him unfortunately.

Such a shame that you're stuck with someone so negative!
Fingers crossed the doctor can sign her off. We had a short break early in DDs recovery and it did us all the world of good. She too was motivated to eat to be able to go, and would have been set back by being told she couldn't. So I'm sending all the positive vibes in the world that you can go xx

My dd stopped seeing the nurse and I used the appointments for support just for me. It seemed pointless for dd to go when she just shut down and refused to engage with any of them 🤷‍♀️

I found it helpful to talk through things that had been difficult that week or specific worries.

Would that be an option?

Thank you so much @LurkyLurkyLou maybe his approach does work for some people. I don't doubt his intentions and that he wants her to recover but his approach just doesn't work for us.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I think right now they'll still want to see her weekly for obs as she's still quite low weight but maybe I can suggest she goes out to the waiting room with one of us and the other stays in and discusses how the week has gone? She absolutely won't speak to him anyway. Thanks for the suggestion.

That's really positive she's looking forward to a pool/beach holiday as they tended to fill me with dread as a teen with an eating disorder / body image issues

@Weightlossworried did you get the ok for the holiday? I’ve been really hoping you did! Xx

No unfortunately. She'd lost weight and the doctor wasn't happy with her blood test results. Apparently something to do with enzymes and her pancreas that show she's been making herself sick. She is insistent she hasn't.

It was a very tough appointment for her and my DH and I feel terrible I wasn't with them. I've just seen my husband cry for only the second time in our 26 year relationship. The doctor made him feel like he/we are completely failing her. Apparently there should be 'consequences' if she doesn't eat her meals. I'm not mad to think that's wrong am I? She's not choosing this. She can't be disciplined out of it.

We are going to more closely supervise her after meals though. We had been making ourselves available if she needed distraction and keeping an ear out for the loo but we'll keep her with us for 15 mins after snack and 30 after meals.

Yet again I find myself wondering how things can keep getting worse

Oh no, I’m so sad for you all. You should never feel like you have failed her. She is poorly and is possibly doing things you don’t know about, you are doing everything possible to prevent this.

We’ve all seen the sneaky side of the ED. Running when they should be walking. Doing laps of their bedrooms. We can’t control them as much as we try.

I promise you will get your holiday, it just won’t be when you hoped but you will get it and my goodness that first cocktail will taste so good!

How was your daughter after the appointment? I’m thinking of you all xx

So sorry to hear this. How tough for you all.
You're right she can't be disciplined out of it, being so ill is consequence enough in itself. Maybe she has been making herself sick and can't bring herself to admit it. All you can do is the close supervision you mention and keep on offering that loving support.

Sending support.
It sounds like DH is in the thick of it too, glad you get the support but it's so hard to see two people you love suffering. ❤️

Thank you both.

She was upset but not as upset as we thought she'd be. I don't know whether that's because she knew that would be the outcome or because she was actually worried about going away.

I feel too worried about her to be upset about the holiday tbh

I am sorry to hear this. I know your dd wants you to believe her. My dd swore blind stuff like this as well. And she is generally pretty truthful, although sneaky at times due to the ED.

As for consequences, absolutely not. Yes to earning things, a bit like a glorified sticker chart.

When is the holiday supposed to be? Do you potentially have time to turn this around and go a little later than planned? Idk what sort of holiday, but perhaps you could contact the company and ask if you could take it in a couple of months? If your dd has something to look forward to, this could be a goal to work towards. Ie the sticker chart.

Sorry about the holiday, it must be really disappointing for all of you.

Please be very discreet about keeping an ear out for the loo, it's difficult but I know she'll need privacy to the normal functions on the loo and if she's like I was, very constipated so it wasn't easy

@Mummyoflittledragon oh yes she's very upset we don't believe her but I've made sure to let her know it's not about her being untrustworthy but it's about hiding things being part of her illness.

We go back to the doctor Thursday for a review of her treatment plan. I have no idea what that will entail but I think it's a good thing they are reviewing it.

Yes, I can imagine she’s upset. Hopefully they’ll be able to give you some more support and suggest some strategies for nudging your dd along.

@Weightlossworried was it your GP that you saw or an ED GP?

I really hope you don’t see that GP again if they are talking consequences. You are right to think this is wrong.

The weather is due to be amazing for the next week, I hope you can enjoy some time together in the sunshine xx

I’m sorry to intrude on this thread. I have no experience of ED but I stumbled across it on active. I’ve read the whole things and just wanted to say how in awe of your strength I am. There is clearly so much love in your family and I hope so much your daughter finds her way to recovery.

It was the CAMHs ed doctor, worryingly.

I find this all so hard. I want to put all my trust in CAMHs as the professionals and just do exactly what they tell us but there are times when my instincts are screaming that they're wrong. And this is one of those times. I want to make our meal times as calm as possible for her. We have the cahms parents group today so I might raise it there.

Thank you so much @OrlandointheWilderness, I needed to hear that today.

Hi @Weightlossworried im so sorry things are so tough right now. This journey is just the hardest with its ups and downs. Maybe the big gains she had recently took her back a step. I don’t know. But I do know that all we can do it keep going. Keep pushing and don’t give up. Your Family will grow closer through this and one day you will look back at this time as an awful memory I’m sure. None of us know why we ended up here. It’s like a bad dream at times isn’t it? Someone at work said to me that things like this are placed on our shoulders because we are the ones strong enough. We are chosen. (She was religious and I’m not , but I thought it was interesting nonetheless).

*as an aside- I don’t know if you listen to music much but the latest Raye album has been incredible at helping me. I listen to it in my car a lot. It’s as if some of the songs have been written for me.

Thank you @Raspberrysins I hope one day we're on here talking about how our kids recovered.

I do listen to music and I love a bit of raye so thanks for the recommendation!

I don’t know if I’m just a bit jaded as I’m 6 years down the ED road but I kind of agree there should be consequences if she doesn’t eat 🤷‍♀️ for my dd the consequences were no phone, no school, no going on a small trip etc. Dd needed incentives to eat so I used consequences as more of a carrot than a stick iyswim?

’When you’ve eaten well all day you can have your phone back this evening’

‘once you’ve eaten your lunch we can go out’

‘once you’ve eaten breakfast you can go to school’

Etc.

Im also guessing she’s (the ED) was happy after that appointment as she knew she’d lost weight 🤷‍♀️

I don't know, I think different things work for different kids and families. She's had her beloved horse riding taken away and it didn't get her eating enough. She's lost her holiday and I would be amazed if it makes any difference to her eating. I believe she would 100 percent choose not to eat over having her phone. All that would happen is she'd stop talking to us.

I like the Langley approach of keeping lines of communication open, talking to her about change and handling her emotions etc

I certainly agree that I wouldn't be letting her do any kind of activity without eating though, if she wanted to meet friends she'd have to eat a meal before hand.

We also used consequences. “If you don’t eat you won’t be strong enough to go out with your friends you will have to sit at home and rest with dad and I”. That hellish prospect helped get dd eating again.

Our CAMHS keyworker asked our DD to try and describe what's going on in her head at times of distress, (if she was able to). To tell us what things work or don't work. Sometimes it can be certain comments we make. I definitely agree that there doesn't seem to be a one-size-fits all approach. My DD is still intent on preparing most of her own food, despite all the advice against this. Under supervision of course, but she wants to be in 'control of her own recovery' apparently. I do have some doubts over this! But she is eating much more this way, and we are having less battles..

I agree with what you are both saying. However, I don’t think either of those examples should really be presented to a ED sufferer as consequences, because they can be seen as punitive.

This is what I mean when I say incentives / glorified sticker chart.

Eat this and then we can get going.
Grab a snack really quickly then we / you can go to x.
It would be irresponsible of me as your mum to let you go and do y tomorrow if you haven’t eaten your 3 meals and 3 snacks today.

Etc.