Teen Eating Disorders support thread 3

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

Thought I better get a new thread going!

Please come and join us if your teen is struggling with an Eating Disorder. We are a kind, supportive bunch of parents looking to support each other through the dark days of caring for a teen with an ED.

Omg myrtle I would have been livid!! Why anyone feels the need to comment on someone else's body is beyond me.

Sm good luck with the admission, hopefully it will prove to be a turning point for your dd.

Valley well done on the gain, can you blind weigh? I honestly think if knowing their weight is distressing it's kinder for them to not know. We would have never made any progress if dd knew her weight.

Lougle has your dd had her bloods checked recently? She does seem very tired bless her.

Things are up and down here really, absolutely no improvement in dd eating anymore or even finishing what she is meant to have 🙄

Mentally she seems to be massively struggling again, she alternates between being anxious, angry or sad most of the time. She now has two friends at school who both seemingly have their own issues with food and she is finding that very triggering. One of her friends has recently stopped eating lunch and dd got very upset about it today. She said it made her feel fat when her friends not eating 😕

Not sure what to say to her tbh, I suggested she mentioned it to her friends tutor (I haven't got her parents details so can't text them or anything.)

She also has a new boyfriend who seems very sweet but apparently he is into running and this also upsets dd 😢 She talked about when she was first ill, was doing tons of exercise and how much she loved her body then.

Exercise seems to be something that causes the ED voice to get very loud so not something she's going to be able to start for a while yet.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies your DD does sound like she's struggling. It must be so hard to enjoy exercise but be unable to control it.

DD1 had bloods taken on Friday at the GP surgery. No results yet. She did performing arts today and I think they did dancing. It's difficult because it is one of the subjects DD1 told them she enjoyed. But I did point out that it's very similar to PE, which she can't do yet. I have emailed the school to ask how much she did today, because she initially said she joined in loads, then 'well it was 50/50...'.

Really difficult dinner time. 2 Sausages, 1 Yorkshire pudding, about ½ a carrot, ¼ pepper and 4 mushrooms, all roasted. All foods she enjoyed prior to ED. Physically shaking, gagging, telling me it was hurting her tummy, telling me she'd vomit. I managed to stay calm and fairly compassionate with a slightly bored tone, and I put a YouTube video on of soap cutting (she loves it, but I find it cringey). I initially said she had to eat it all, but after a while it did look like she might vomit, so I settled for both sausages, ½ Yorkshire pudding and most veg. She asked for a sick bowl after dinner, but eventually had a huge bowel motion, which is probably the whole issue. She's had 1.5 litres of squash today, as she wanted to drink during dinner, so that's good.

Hi all

Myrtle I’d have been so livid. Is there any way you can get a message to him if she’s going to be seeing him a lot. Just a kind heads up re how to support her.

Sm well done for getting to A&E.

Lougle Do you think it could be a stamina thing? My dd was def v tired at starting back at school. Got better as time went on.

Apologies if I’ve missed anybody out but I’ve been up 2 nights on the trot with ds who is going through a really shit time too. Combine that with my lack of sleep anyway and you get a really shattered mum. Thank goodness for face masks!

We had a rubbish weekend foodwise. Around 500 both days. Emailed content to outreach and FT briefly recording my concerns and requested that I have a copy of all obs going forward. FT emailed back and seemed to share my worries. I then sent a summary of the hideous clinic meeting with the reasons for our upset and concern laid out as points. It was all my head could take at the moment. Bar our FT they never ever answer emails but It’s logged and in my sent box should we start a PALs complaint further down the line.

FT was as painful as ever. She shares next to nothing. I don’t get where our FT gets his patience reserves from. Dh mentioned that he feels dd gets to a point and can’t handle her body so reverts every time. I’d mentioned that countless times to all the professionals but FT seemed to take it more seriously from dh. 🤔He did her obs and said she has actually only ever got to 96%. He said there is a big jump with her heart and had been a big weight loss. Interesting that that could change in 2 days from clinic where they said there was a jump but still in safe zones. Also interesting that they didn’t mention loss at all in clinic and when I compared the 2 wfh’s and pointed out the loss she grudgingly admitted there had been but that until she was 85% or below again they weren’t interested even though they always have been before.Literally weren’t concerned about her severe restriction. Dd piped up in FT that she’s physically well so it doesn’t matter. Really helpful message clinic gave her.He hasn’t texted the obs yet but we finished late. Will need to chase them so I have a record. Didn’t really get far in FT as she shares so little. He’s trying to encourage her out of her room. Psych apparently knows. I will be pushing back any increase of meds until they tackle her struggles to open up and the ping ponging . They seem to just be relying on her to sit up in bed one day and deciding to get better. Med increase will just be a sticking plaster and pointless without her working through the AN.

Hoping for a drama free day so I can relax at work.

That's exhausting, @Scr1bblyGum. It's interesting that you see the meds as a sticking plaster. I see it as a vehicle to allow recovery. For DD1, the meds quieten the anorexia enough to allow the eating that is required to recover.

The problem is we’ve been round the loop so many times it’s clear she needs to work through a lot of stuff before she can. My dd does none of the articulation and communication Myrtle’s dd and your dd does. We get zilch, literally nothing.I just don’t think eating and a consistent good weight is enough. She wanted to get better, now she wants to restrict more. Meds will keep going up but whatever is causing the AN is still there and will keep causing AN to come back. I need her to tackle this before she’s an adult. She needs help to communicate.

@Scr1bblyGum I am so sorry, it is exhausting and grinds one down. I have days, like today, when it just feels so pointless trying to get her to recover as she's never going to . I can't do it for her so I feel like giving up.

Just had a row with DH. He said the only way he can deal with it is by shouting at her and that's the only thing that works. I said he can't do that - the house reverberates and it's not fair on the rest of us, nor is it effective. So I find myself saying, well if you can't handle feeds any other way then I'll just have to do them all (instead of the majority). And that pisses me off because it's not like I find it easy to maintain calm and patience either. Him saying 'I just can't deal with this' is infuriating as we have no choice but to deal with it.

Valley I hear you. Sending you all the solidarity and hugs.I had food thrown at me last night and was shoved repeatedly. There is nothing I can do as she won’t let me help her or communicate. Dh doesn’t shout at her( less patient with ds) but I get all the crap as she knows I challenge the ED the most.Throw in zero sleep, the crap we had at clinic, extreme worry, putting on a brave face at work, the endless loop, the lack of fun......

It’s intolerable and shit. Starting to struggle to feel motivated re battling on. It’s endless crap.

Dh and I are going to try to see Nomadland at the cinema Sat to try and cheer ourselves up. Our house martins didn’t return this year, felt like the final straw last night. Funny the things that upset in amongst this immense battle.😩

Sending hugs and 🍷 all round, it is shit and parents/people in general who have not gone through this really have no clue as to how fecking awful it is.

Scribbly that would upset me to re the birds, I totally get it.

Valley I'd be less than impressed at your dhs attitude as well, has he been involved much in the sessions with the ED team? If he won't hear it from you would he listen to them?

We're plodding on here in Groundhog Day land! Dd had a meltdown on Monday as one of her friends didn't eat lunch and it massively triggered her. She said seeing her friend not eating made her feel fat 😕 she also started laying into me about how I had no idea how hard having an ED is 😐 I felt quite attacked really. She said if I'd acted sooner it might not have developed as it did which bloody stung as well (she started restricting in April, I referred to GP in June and she was seen by ED team in August 2020 so I did what I could do, the Gp wasn't too worried as BMI okay.)

I know she can't really see the bigger picture but bloody hell my life has been turned upside down trying to help her so feeling a tad unappreciated tbh.

Spending the day in the garden and meeting a friend for a late lunch as need a little self care I think!

Hugs to all
Lol zoo has her meal plan now.
First attempt

Hi everyone

@Stilllivinginazoo I think you did the right thing.

DD1 has low vitamin D & calcium. The GP thinks the vitamin D is the problem, so we now have calcichewD3 added to the med list. The psychiatrist thinks maybe she's on too much olanzapine, so we're cutting it to 1mg BD.

Really struggled to get DD1 to school today, but she's managed tutor time and 2 lessons.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies the hatred the ED voice has for us parents is immense, it wears me down too. To have your life on hold to save theirs and then have them tell you how rotten you are .....well it's one of the worst feelings I've ever had I think. And it happens over and over again.... Stay strong!

@Lougle glad you have found what might be the cause of the extreme tiredness I hope the new meds help.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies god that's infuriating. You are doing brilliantly and spotted it a lot quicker than I did with DD (it took me four months to ring the GP and then another two months after that because I didn't push it enough).

@Stilllivinginazoo, it's so hard to know how far to push it. I'm constantly contradicting myself. I think you just take each meal as it comes and the move onto the next one afresh.

I'm still steaming about DH and he feels angry at me. I love him but obviously there are aspects of him that I love less and paramount is among these less appealing characteristics is being a bit alpha. He's very successful in his job and I feel like he's applying the tactics that might work if you're a hotshot lawyer but are useless in face of ED. Intransigence is another characteristic that he has, he's very binary in his thinking.

Hey ho, at the risk of martyring myself, I think I've just got to take over all the feeds which means my professional and social life is screwed. I've already cancelled something I was looking forward to because having to go out at the weekend led to so many issues. I know you manage it on your own girlie and I take my hat off to you.

Sounds sensible re. meds Lougle, though it's a pretty low dose isn't it?

Oh I see you're cutting it down to 1mg - I thought that's what you were on.

I don't know how I do it either valley 🤪** that said I think I'd find your situation just as hard tbh. I think if your dh can't help with the feeding I'd outsource a lot of the other jobs like cooking, cleaning and shopping to him!!

I can just about handle dd but it's all the other stuff that's stressful trying to juggle.

My Pilates class starts up this week and I'm actually really looking forward to having one hour to myself a week!!

Hats off to you all dealing with these god awful circumstances. I don’t know how you’ve managed to keep going so long. It’s only been a few weeks for us and I already feel broken by it!

Girlfriend, I have the utmost respect for you if you are doing this alone and I hope you manage to get some “me-time” to rejuvenate.

Valley I can completely sympathise with you ref your DH. Mine is similar. I know it’s early days but he just doesn’t get it. On a few occasions I have had to stop him ranting at her when she’s had a meltdown over eating, asking her does she want to fuck up the rest of her life, as if she’s choosing all this. Actually I think that’s the crux of it right there. He thinks she has chosen to do this to herself. He has gone on at me saying why is it always young girls that get ED’s and then answered that it’s because they buy in to it all and I think he was starting to say something along the lines of girls thriving on all the drama and the attention. I had to shut him down, tell him not to finish his sentence and under no circumstances ever let DD hear him express anything so utterly and inherently wrong as it would be very damaging for her to think that’s what he thought about it. Some men have very little emotional intelligence and DH is definitely one of them.

I have had so much of the ED telling me how much it hates me the last few days. DD veers between telling me she hates me or telling me to fuck off or sobbing in to her meal. I haven’t had a conversation from her for a week.

I have a question about what you do or say while your DC’s are eating their meals/snacks? I’m really struggling with what to do with myself. DD doesn’t want any words of love or encouragement. Whenever I try to talk she tells me to shut up. So then I just don’t say anything but then it feels like I’m just sat there passively observing her utter misery. It’s unbearable and makes me feel so inept, like I can’t even interact with my own child in a natural manner. It makes me feel cruel and unempathetic that she’s in such torment and I can’t do anything for her.

@Rollergirl11 we have ended up watching a 15/20 of a show minute show on TV. Talking wasn't working and silence was even worse. The show was the distraction she needed and also works well as a timer getting her to speed up.
Sometimes we play a game like hangman or dobble, but more often than not that doesn't end well.

We leave our talking for non-food times at the moment and it seems to be a lot less stressful then, there is nothing the ED has to be upset at me over directly if there is no eating happening....

We watch telly now when eating the evening meal roller, I think there needs to be a distraction for them and us!!

Otherwise we talk about anything other than food and eating.

Hi @Rollergirl11irl - sorry that it is so difficult for you at the moment. I don't know if you saw the Mark Austin documentary or read any of his features, but he is very honest about how he struggled to understand his daughter's anorexia.

In terms of mealtimes, some people find it helpful to have distractions, so newspapers, quizzes etc - just anything to keep the conversation going (or start it in the first place) and direct attention away from the food. Obviously that might not seem realistic if there is a lot of distress - but it does really help to talk about other things and direct away from the ED voice. It could be things in the news, plans for a future fictional holiday (you could even get a travel brochure) what would you do if you won the lottery, news about a family friend, what pet would you like to get and why etc. Just make sure it isn't used to NOT eat (e.g. include gentle prompts like 'really, wow I love the idea of the Galapagos Islands, the views are incredible, your turn Mr Roller whilst Little Roller finishes her baked beans'.

If, as and when your DD becomes more engaged in the idea of 'recovery' and then has a wobble, gentle reminders of why she is doing it, the bright future ahead of her (free from AN) and the fact that repeated exposure makes it easier - are all good coping mechanisms.

I hope this helps.

Thanks all for your tips. We have actually started to watch some TV at meal times. DD’s current fave is Four in a bed. But at the moment most meal times are quite fraught so she isn’t actually watching and is generally crying in to her food.

We have a couple of rough decisions to make in the coming days and weeks. It is DS’s 13th birthday tomorrow. We have our favourite restaurant booked for tomorrow evening and this is something that we always do for our birthdays. We are still going ahead with it as I don’t see why DS should suffer. But I don’t know what to do about DD and whether it’s practical that she come. She says she won’t be able to eat if she’s “been forced to eat everything else that day”. I don’t think we should make an exception because of this. So I’m wondering if DD should just stay home and I sort her meal out at home before we go.

Similarly we are supposed to be going to Liverpool for a few days during half term week to see DH’s parents and brothers. We haven’t seen them since last summer and we have been looking forward to going up there for months. Now I don’t know how DD will be able to manage it given that she can’t eat anything without crying or shouting. I think the pressure of being in someone else’s house with 3 other adults watching her eat will be immense so I’m wondering if DD and I should stay home.

The long term consequences of this illness are really starting to hit home....

Good morning
Just a quick update here. DD had been on hunger strike so I took her to A&E Monday. They didn't admit her, but the experience does seem to have been a catalyst for change and she's eating the meal plan again at home. I think the new setraline Is helping too. Thank you all fur your support.
@Rollergirl11 I'm afraid we had this situation two weeks ago and went to the GPS and it was a disaster . The build up to going was so stressful for DD and then being there really disturbed her routines. I think we lost a month of recovery because of it. It may work out differently for you, and be a welcome change. But I wish we hadn't gone now, or maybe just me and DD stay at home. But would that have looked like a punishment? This is so hard.
I can't help but think whatever decision I had made would have been wrong!

Havehope I didn’t know about Mark Austin but I looked him up and his inability to understand his daughters Anorexia in the beginning definitely seems to draw parallels with DH currently. Thank you for telling me about that.

@sm701 yes that is exactly my fear, that it will do more harm then good and potentially undo any progress that we’ve made.

@Rollergirl11 those trips sound very tough to decide upon.
We were lucky that during the worst of DDs illness we were in lockdown.
However we are going on holiday at half term but in the caravan so self catered. W head thought about going to my dads in the summer but I am not sure DD would cope with that yet unless he let me take over the kitchen!
I think in your position I would take ehte decision not to go to the relatives. Maybe your DH and son could go? I would not have been able to leave my DD alone either as I would not have been sure she would eat.
In terms of the birthday dinner. Could you do a special meal for your son at home? Replicate his favourite menu item? Or maybe take your Dd but not expect her to eat?
This illness takes so much from the whole family.

Also meant to say that even though DD is wr we still haven’t tackled take aways let alone restaurants and she is very reluctant to try....

Weirdly for us takeaways and restaurants are a brilliant way to get calories in - I don't think she realises just how much more calorific the food is. At the beginning, our best gains were always after an Indian with lots of vegan options (i.e. it seems 'healthy'). Kati rolls are a godsend. We've been to a couple of restaurants now we're allowed and it's been ok - she did have the kids menu in one but I knew it would be enormous, and it was. In other words, it might not be terrible but of course it's hard to know in advance.

Lockdown easing is very challenging and does throw a spotlight onto all the things we'll end up missing out on. In January and February, we were hunkered down feeding her and it felt easier. It's particularly difficult when you worry about siblings missing out and I don't have any answers.

We're going away to a cottage in half term with my bro and sister in law. I'm hoping it'll be ok. Argggh.