Becoming food obsessed

[Star8181]

I feel like a fraud here but need some advice so I hope that okay...I need to share to get some thoughts.
I feel like I’m really obsessed with food these days, food thoughts preoccupies my head much of the day. I’ve been restricting my intake, especially during work as I find it really easy to go without and I have become completely unable to eat in front of people, but I will have some food in the evening when I’m home. I don’t even know why I’m doing it, just that a little part of me gets a buzz from being able to ignore the hunger, which I realise is wrong. I’ve been lying to my family about what I’m eating to cover up which I hate. I’m exercising as much as I can as I love the feel of burning off calories and I’m also weighing myself a lot.

I can feel this could get much worse and I desperately want to stop these thoughts but I don’t have an eating disorder (yet) so I don’t think the GP could help me. But I need someone to help me get back on track or someone to talk to, I think? Feeling quite down at the moment

Hopeful bump x

Hello,
Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It sounds to me like you need some help and your GP could be a good place to start. It's always best to catch things as early as possible, and

Sorry I just pressed post by mistake!
If you feel like things are already out of control and you want it to stop then this a sign you could do with some support. Have you looked at the Beat website at all? They also have a helpline which I have found useful several times.

As for feeling like a fraud, I have felt like that throughout my eating disorder even though I am diagnosed with anorexia and I know I have been very unwell I still feel like I'm making it up. I think this can also be a feature of having an eating disorder in itself, at least it is for me.

I would also say that in my experience, waiting lists were long to start treatment, so the sooner you make that first step the better. You deserve to feel better and to be free from this and if you can catch it early then hopefully you can stop it before it's completely out of control. Hope this is helpful in some way, I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Hi. It's really really encouraging that you've posted here because you're acknowledging there's an issue to start with.
You do have "disordered eating" as opposed to all the big official labels out there.
Probably , most of us have disordered eating to some extent.
My daughter is in recovery (long may it last) with Anorexia, diagnosed 3 years ago.
Her weight, although low was never extreme and yet she continued to exhibit all the symptoms of AN. Even now where she is borderline "low-weight", she will always have a difficult relationship with eating.
I think in her case what was vital, and this is why I'm posting, your Mental Health team would absolutely be open to you talking to them about this, even if you think you're a bit "previous".

If you found a wee lump on your breastfeeding, your doctor wouldn't give you a row for not waiting till it was huge and unmanageable.
Please take a leap and ask for advice.
Always here if you want to ask anything xx

Yes it sounds like disordered eating behaviour / compulsive exercise has taken over,
I think you would be a good candidate for referral to eating disorder service

Just correcting * breastfeeding to "breast"
Good luck OP X

Thank you so, so much for the replies, I read them yesterday and I’ve just been taking it on board. I’ve had a good read of the beat website, there’s a lot of useful stuff there. The chat room forums might be helpful, has anyone used them?
I just can’t face the GP, I know all this will be out in the open then as I’ll have to tell my husband. I’ve lost about half a stone in the last few weeks/month, and my bmi is 18.8 - just in the ‘normal’ category so I guess I need to be careful. The voice in my head telling me not to eat is so strong though, it’s tough finding the energy to overpower it all the time. Thank you all again for your kind words x

The lower your weight gets, the louder the voice will become. It will just get louder and so much worst. Try and focus on that when you think about not eating/wanting to lose weight. Your brain won't function properly and honestly it's just not worth it. Just try and be strong. Maybe try and address the bigger issue which is something in your life may have triggered you into using the weight/food thing as a coping mechanism.

Thank you for your reply. I’m glad someone understands what I mean by this voice in my head! If I have a good day or two the voice gets quieter, if I have a run of days with little food, it is very persistent in telling me to keep going. Finding it very hard to get up to the number of calories I need at the moment but I’m going to really try and sort this.

I found protein shakes very helpful. Just a couple of scoops in 200/300ml milk and you've got some good cals in. I even have a scoop of oats to add abit of carbs to it. The reason I find these easy is because it's a few gulps and it's gone if that makes sense? You will get there

Thank you @brainstormer123, I wouldn’t have thought of that, my husband has protein shakes in anyway. It’s just persuading myself to drink it - as you say though, a few gulps and it’s gone.
I’ve struggled today - my husband and children took me out for a Mother’s Day lunch, lovely to spend time together but it means I’ve not been able to eat for the rest of the day, and I had to do a long run to feel okay about it :(

I ate a take away last night and just enjoyed a box of chocolates sat on the sofa relaxing. This for me would have been UNTHINKABLE this time last year. Believe me when I say, You. Can. Do. This. Just keep reminding yourself the more you restrict the worse it will become. You don't need to compensate eating bad food with exercise (I'm currently working on my exercise addiction) do you think your husband or friends or work colleagues are punishing themselves with exercise because they've enjoyed a lovely meal? No, so you don't deserve to punish yourself either. Mentally it's the hardest thing to fight against, trust me I know and the guilt will scream at you but just remember that voice will get quieter the more you fight. I hope at least some of that makes sense. And remember you're not alone or weird or 'fucked in the head' your just fighting a little battle at the moment, but NOT forever

@brainstormer123 thank you for your kind words, I’m sat here crying 😢
Yes, it all makes complete sense, i know I’m I’m not thinking or behaving in a rational way. But tomorrow is a new day and a new week, I’m going to try and sort this x

Just remember that I'm going through it too and we will get there, I know we will be positive! X

Thank you, I hope you get there too! Are you getting better with any help or have you done it alone, if it’s okay to ask you? X

Yeah that's fine to ask! Yeah I see a therapist once a week. It's private as I found the NHS was just too under funded to offer me what I needed. And honestly it really has helped, I do believe you need to address what's triggered it all, as I've learnt, no one just develops an eating disorder without there being some sort or trauma or reason if that makes sense. Do you have the access or means to see a private therapist?

I’ve heard the NHS has very long waiting lists. I have had private counselling in the past, a long time ago, but definitely something I have been thinking about again as I’m realising I’m going to need some help with this. Not looking forward to looking at the reasons why this has started, I do know what it is, just don’t like talking about it but needs must I guess.

Honestly I know exactly how you feel in regards to therapy, before every session I get nervous and it's horrible! No one likes to feel so vulnerable talking about their past with a stranger but a good therapist will make you feel calm. I think it'd be really good for you. And remember a good therapist won't push you to talk about things you're not ready to talk about x

Things are going from bad to worse - I’ve lost 3lbs this week and I’m eating less and less. I phoned up somewhere to see if I can get private counselling so I can get help quickly but it’s £45 a session as I earn over a certain amount! There’s no way I can afford that with my current childcare costs, especially if I want to go once a week! Anyone know what the waiting time is if I go to the GP and ask for help there?

OP, not sure if you're still on this thread but if you are, how are you doing? X

Hi brainstormer, thanks so much for posting! I’m not great I suppose is the answer. I’ve slowly restricted more and more calories and exercising more as well as I can’t let myself go over the certain amount of calories that I’ve decided I’m allowed! Things came to a bit of a head the other week and realised I need to do something because as the days go on it feels harder to get back to ‘normal’ - not that I can remember what that is now. I couldn’t face the GP and talking to someone face to face but I did fill in a form on line for IAPT and they are calling tomorrow for a telephone assessment. I have heard mixed reviews but I suppose we’ll see...
How are things at your end?

Well I had my assessment with IAPT but they didn’t think their services were suitable for me and have referred me on to the Eating Disorders Services who will contact me within 4 weeks for an assessment there. I was really truthful with IAPT and saying it all out loud has made me realise how bad things are. I’ve lost another 2lb this week and my BMI is now 17.8 - not good.

Hi Starchild. Hope you are ok. I think reading your posts that part of you recognises that what you are doing is not okay and not healthy but it's difficult because you feel like you cannot stop.
Do you think you could telephone the Beat hotline to speak to someone?
Something that helps me (I'm in recovery too) is listening to the Eating Disorder Recovery podcast, especially when the voices in my head get too loud.
Thinking of you. PM me if you need to chat to someone.

Thank you @ScrumpyBetty for your kind words and advice. I have an appointment in a few weeks for an Eating Disorder Assessment, do you know what I should expect, I’m feeling very nervous? Nervous because I feel like a fraud and nervous because I’m worried they will force me into some sort of treatment that I don’t want and that will take up a lot of time (I have 3 children and work full time). I’ve seen your post, it sounds as though you are having a tough time too, i hope you are okay.

Just posting here as a bit of an outlet - I have no one in real life to talk to. Had a really tough day today. This morning I felt like I wanted to die, just the feeling that I couldn’t cope with the immense pain anymore, it was so frightening. I knew wouldn’t do anything about the feeling but it was unbelievably overwhelming. Lasted about 2 hours and I’m left feeling so so depressed. I’ve no idea what triggered it except that I’ve lost more weight and it scared me. I have never in my life experienced such horrendous mental pain before, I’m scared now this feeling is going to return. I never understood before when people talked about suicidal thoughts but now I do.