Becoming food obsessed

[Star8181]

I feel like a fraud here but need some advice so I hope that okay...I need to share to get some thoughts.
I feel like I’m really obsessed with food these days, food thoughts preoccupies my head much of the day. I’ve been restricting my intake, especially during work as I find it really easy to go without and I have become completely unable to eat in front of people, but I will have some food in the evening when I’m home. I don’t even know why I’m doing it, just that a little part of me gets a buzz from being able to ignore the hunger, which I realise is wrong. I’ve been lying to my family about what I’m eating to cover up which I hate. I’m exercising as much as I can as I love the feel of burning off calories and I’m also weighing myself a lot.

I can feel this could get much worse and I desperately want to stop these thoughts but I don’t have an eating disorder (yet) so I don’t think the GP could help me. But I need someone to help me get back on track or someone to talk to, I think? Feeling quite down at the moment

Hi @Star8181, I’m so sorry to read about the struggles you’ve been having. I can relate to some extent (I hardly allow myself to eat and I don’t know why, I also get a strange pleasure from not eating and losing weight) though I’m not as severely affected as you. My BMI is still healthy at 19, though I’m losing weight fast. Are you getting any support at the moment?

Hello @HappyGowerGirl, I’m sorry to hear you’re having problems too - you sound like me but a year ago. Have you got any professional help? Don’t leave it too long, especially if your weight is dropping.
I’m getting there. Still having weekly sessions with a psychologist. I despair sometimes that anorexia will never leave me. I’m just not sure how to live without it.

@Rach2804 thanks for your post, do you not have any support then? Are you able to go privately?

Hi @Star8181, thanks for asking about support. Unfortunately, seems to be very lacking I'm afraid. Dunno, maybe it's just the whole lockdown thing!! Anyway, I have some great news. Possibly a few days, maybe a week after my desperate post I found an amazing podcast!!! "Weight loss made real - Cookie Rosenblum".
Check it out if you feel as desperate as I did!!!

Hey @Star8181, it’s so good you’re seeing a psychologist regularly. Many people DO overcome such issues (I didn’t want to say anorexia, as I don’t know if it’s anorexia you have?) so you can too.

I will be seeing a psychologist (I have my first call next week) about other things but I will mention the (lack of) eating.

I looked at the BEAT website but I don’t really fit any of the symptom lists. I’ve lost 15lb since May but I am not really thin enough (BMI 19.1). I’m also not worried about high calorie food, I’ll sometimes have a burger or a slice of pizza and enjoy it. (The problem is more that I hardly eat the rest of the time). I don’t have a negative body imagine neither.

My main issue is rarely eating, and getting a weird sense of pleasure out of losing more weight.

I am sorry if this is in any way triggering, I should probably start my own thread!

@HappyGowerGirl don’t worry at all about gate crashing, it’s good to hear from others going through the same - it’s less lonely knowing I’m not the only one.

Please do mention your eating problems to the psychologist - you remind me a lot of me a year or two ago. I am diagnosed with anorexia, which at first was diagnosed with EDNOS as my weight was above the cut off. I’m not saying you have anorexia by any means, but if you think about it, all anorexics start at a higher weight. It’s the thoughts that go on in your head that are anorexic, if that makes sense. I can also eat high calorie foods - I’ve eaten some sponge cake today - but I will compensate for it by eating less elsewhere.
When you say you get the thrill out of losing weight that makes me think you are on a slippery slope. Please let me know how you get on with the psychologist, I would like to hear how things go for you. Take care.

Thanks Star, you are very kind. I have a phone call next week. I will try to be honest which is hard. It’s easy to minimise or lie about how much you’ve eaten.

The weird thing to me is that although I’ve lost 15lb, I don’t feel I look any different? I definitely don’t look fat but I don’t look thinner than before? I worry my brain is messing with me though.

@HappyGowerGirl I know how easy it is to minimise eating issues. I hate the way it makes me deceitful - hiding food, throwing things in the bin when no one is looking, quickly weighing food when no one is looking - that’s even though my husband knows about my problems!

I also find it incredibly hard to see my weight for what it is, all I ever see is the fat bits. I can’t stand it. I know logically I’m underweight so then I start to question what reality is and if I can trust what I see in the mirror! It’s enough to drive you insane.

I think that all you can do next week is try to be completely honest so they can decide what support will be the most useful for you. I used to get so embarrassed telling the psychologist about my eating habits but I soon realised she’d heard everything before anyway.

Thanks Star. I know what you mean about it driving you insane.

My aim today is to eat at least one full meal (yesterday I hardly at anything).

Hope you’re okay. You should feel really proud for working on your recovery.

Hey, how are you doing @Star8181?

I didn’t find the therapy very helpful (apparently I’m not thin enough the quality for help!) but I have been feeling a little bit better in myself. I am still losing weight but more slowly than before.

Anyway I was just thinking about you this evening, hope you are okay

Hello @HappyGowerGirl, I’m really glad you came back to post. Sorry to hear it wasn’t very useful, have they not offered you any help at all? That’s really rubbish if that’s the case. Glad to hear you’re feeling a little better though. I’m okay I think, just plodding along. I have managed to put some weight on but I’m struggling with it. I feel so horrible and want to lose it again. I miss the buzz of losing weight.

Hey @Star8181 glad you are plodding along. I recognise the feeling of wanting to put weight on and wanting to lose it at the same time, it’s so hard.

The weird thing is I know I don’t look that good when I get really skinny, I look better at a healthy BMI. So it’s not necessarily about looks for me (though certainly I like to be slim), perhaps it’s more about control.

Weirdly as well I am the lightest now I have ever been in my adult life but when I look at myself I can’t really see it? I look slim but not really slim or much slimmer than usual (even though other people notice it).

My BMI is still in the healthy range (18.8) I guess this is why I can’t access any help. I also don’t know what this “help” would be entail really. It’s all a bit of a mess. I want help because I recognise something is wrong, but at the same time I don’t want help...

How are you @Star8181? I’m doing a bit better with my food. My weight seems to have settled at the bottom end of the healthy BMI range and I’m not losing anymore. If I can manage to stay here I will be releaved and happy (not to lose anymore I mean). I hope you are getting on okay, it’s such a rough ride with so many conflicting feelings.

Hello @HappyGowerGirl, I’m glad things are a little bit more settled, that’s a real achievement. Please look after yourself - If you look back at my original posts, you’ll see I started off at a pretty normal weight but it changed quite quickly.

I’m finding things a bit tough this week. I keep having what I think is called ‘recovery binges’ which I think is basically because I’ve starved myself for so long that now I’m trying to eat more, I keep having this feeling of not being able to stop, like I’m out of control. I hate it so much. I hate that I’ve gained weight and feel determined to lose it again which I know is anorexia talking.

Hey @Star8181, recovery binges must be scary but (from what I’ve understood) they are also a good sign - because it means you are in recovery!!! Still it must be really challenging, with the anorexia telling you to lose the weight.

I’ve been eating quite a bit (hence no longer losing weight) and as much as the thought if gaining weight scares me, there are other things that scare me more. Recently I was a crap parent one day because I was so exhausted - I had restricted so much in the day that I was starving all night and couldn’t sleep. I can’t live like that. I hope I don’t lose any more weight and if I gain a bit, then so be it. (I hope that’s not insensitive).

I just can’t do this. I’m trying so hard to recover but I can only restrict or binge. I don’t know how to eat normally. Utterly fed up. Binges make me feel completely disgusted with myself, I can’t cope with it at all. I hate that I’ve gained weight and the way my body feels at this weight.

Hey @Star8181, so sorry things are difficult for you. Finding a healthy relationship with food after many starve/binge cycles is horrendously difficult.

Are you getting much support at the moment? With meal planning as well as the psychological side of things?

Remember that when you “hate the way your body feels”, that is the illness talking. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Thanks for replying @HappyGowerGirl, I was so fed up last night. I’ve been crying on and off all day today, I just feel so down about it all. I’m lucky to have lots of support - a psychologist every week and access to a dietician too. But yet I still can’t do it. And some days I don’t want to. I’ve fasted today to make up for yesterday, I know it’s not the best thing to do but I can’t help myself.
Thank you for the reminder about the eating disorder talking, I need to hear that sometimes.
How are you doing? Better than me I hope.

Hey @Star8181 yeah I bet you are fed up, it’s so hard. Fasting probably isn’t the best thing today but I totally get why you do it. I do it too sometimes knowing I shouldn’t l. I’m actually quite a lot better. I lost a lot of weight very quickly but the last few weeks I have really stabilised and stopped losing. My BMI is still quite low but I’m pleased I’m no longer losing (though at the same time I want to! Ugh!). I changed jobs recently which is the reason I think. My old job made me extremely anxious and was the trigger for the most recent starvation episode. I hope being in the new job (which I enjoy) will help me.

I’m glad your accessing help. It sounds really tough. I hope you will stabilise too and find some peace.

Hey @Star8181, How have you been?
I had a good July-August, staying the same and eating okay-ish. Then beginning of Sept had to isolate after travel and it all went to shit. Because I could t exercise (not allowed out) I barely allowed myself to eat. I am now “underweight” (though not by much! BMI 18.1) and my husband keeps commenting on it. He is truly wonderful but just doesn’t get it and is of the “just eat!” mindset.

I now feel muuuch better mental health wise but I barely have an appetite at all. A few crackers and I’m full.

Hope you’re doing better than me.

Hi have just read this thread, my teen dd has an ED, not diagnosed with anorexia yet but am assuming that's what it is! It's interesting hearing how adults struggle with it and gives me some insight into her thought processes.

I watched a video on YouTube about anorexia and brain biochemistry which was so interesting. It explains a lot of the disordered thinking and anxiety is a physical symptom of the brain literally changing shape due to a lack of food. It might seem psychological but it's actually a physical illness.

Hello @HappyGowerGirl, thanks for your post. I’m okay I guess. I’ve worked hard to restore by weight the last few months. I feel a lot better physically, but mentally I feel exactly the same. I don’t go more than 5 minutes without thinking about food or my weight. I desperately want to lose all the weight again but I’m battling against it. I can’t imagine ever feeling free of this eating disorder. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now :(

@Girliefriendlikespuppies sorry to hear about your Dd. My therapist told me about your brain changing. It’s really fascinating. I do know that I found it very hard to think straight at my lowest weight.
Are you getting support for your dd?

Hi @Star8181 it’s great you’ve managed to make some progress with your weight. It must be worrying to think you’ll never be free of this but things can improve, it just takes time. You are doing all the right things.

I’m doing okay-ish. I seem to have more days where I can relax and eat normally and enjoy food! But I still have plenty of days where I barely eat, and these days mean I don’t fully recover as I struggle to put on weight. Still I’m working on it, I’ve got to keep going with it.

I think being anorexic is similar to being an alcoholic, the obsession with food and weight becomes the addiction. It's great you're doing a bit better op the obsessive thoughts will lessen the longer you ignore them.

My dd is under camhs and is getting support. I'm now completely in charge of her food and we have good and bad days...

How’s it going @Star8181?

Hi @HappyGowerGirl, I’m okay thanks. Continuing ups and downs. I know I’ve made progress (it’s taken a year) but I still worry I won’t ever be free of this eating disorder.
How are you doing?