Becoming food obsessed

[Star8181]

I feel like a fraud here but need some advice so I hope that okay...I need to share to get some thoughts.
I feel like I’m really obsessed with food these days, food thoughts preoccupies my head much of the day. I’ve been restricting my intake, especially during work as I find it really easy to go without and I have become completely unable to eat in front of people, but I will have some food in the evening when I’m home. I don’t even know why I’m doing it, just that a little part of me gets a buzz from being able to ignore the hunger, which I realise is wrong. I’ve been lying to my family about what I’m eating to cover up which I hate. I’m exercising as much as I can as I love the feel of burning off calories and I’m also weighing myself a lot.

I can feel this could get much worse and I desperately want to stop these thoughts but I don’t have an eating disorder (yet) so I don’t think the GP could help me. But I need someone to help me get back on track or someone to talk to, I think? Feeling quite down at the moment

@Star8181 well done on your progress. It’s hard. I have made progress too and have many “good” days of (near) normal eating. But sometimes I still have bad days. And the weirdest thing is I KNOW I must put on weight (for health and it looks better) but at the same time I don’t want to. It’s very odd.

But like I said mostly good days. Hoping to put on a few more pounds by the end of the year. I do believe I will be free of this tyranny, I don’t know why but I strongly believe I will overcome it.

@HappyGowerGirl it’s great you think you can overcome your eating issues. I wish I had that confidence. But in reality I can’t ever imagine it for myself. I’ve had an eating disorder on and off since I was 14. Even after 16 months of treatment, and on days I manage to eat what I think is a normal amount, the thoughts are always there. They never, ever go. I don’t know what hungry or full is, meaning I seem to either eat nothing or everything. I guess that’s better than just eating nothing though (says my logical head, although putting on weight terrifies me). Sorry to sound negative, I’m just having one of those days!

Oh man @Star8181 that sounds so tough. I don’t have any advice, I just want to send you a massive virtual hug. You have come so far, you are still here and you are fighting. Even on your bad days, you do not give up. Be kind to yourself xxx

Thank you so much @HappyGowerGirl, I won’t give up. Physically, I’ve come too far to go back, I have to think of my children.
Same to you - take care.

How are you @Star8181?
Christmas can be a hard time food wise.
I’ve been eating more which I feel good and bad about.
Put on some weight (though still not enough) which I say I feel good about but I don’t really. Not as thin as I was anymore but still a bit fucked up I guess. Hope you’re okay.

@HappyGowerGirl good to hear from you. Yes Christmas has been so tough, combined with talk about Brexit food shortages, it’s been a tough few weeks. But I’ve survived and enjoyed our low key Christmas!
Well done for putting on weight - I can completely relate. I know I feel healthier at a higher weight but I can’t stand it. It really feels intolerable at times. I’m still lucky enough to see my psychologist and psychiatrist so they are guiding me through.
I hope you can carry on eating a little more, it does get easier the more you do.

How are you coping @Star8181? I’m finding things really tough and am eating very little. Did quite well over Christmas but struggling now and losing weight again. The pressures of work and childcare are very very tough (as they are for many) and my default response seems to starve myself. I wish I could just eat.

Hi @HappyGowerGirl, I think it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling at the moment, I think a lot of people are right now. From my experience, an eating disorder is basically an unhelpful way of dealing with the stressful things that are going on in life, I know it has been for me for a long time. So it’s really important to find other coping mechanisms where you can, make time for yourself every day (hard with children), so things like going to a walk/run/exercising, reading a book, taking a bath, painting your nails etc are important right now. Try and find time to do something for yourself and to have a bit of down time. Hopefully it’ll help?

I understand it’s easier said than done and I’m giving you all this advice when I’ve had the worst week in a long time I’m really feeling suicidal at the moment. I feel like the latest lockdown has sent me over the edge and I’m struggling with feeling overwhelmed. I know how lucky I am though, I’ve been able to talk to my psychiatrist with less than 24 notice and I’m still having my weekly face to face sessions with my psychologist so I’m hoping I can get through this. I have to.

@Star8181 I am so sorry you are finding this hard too. There is nothing I can say to you to make it better but I just wanted to say that I hear you and I feel for you. I’m glad you’re able to access help. I do hope you tell your therapist about your suicidal feelings, you mustn’t keep those to yourself.

For me it’s definitely a (bad!) coping mechanism. I have developed some other really good coping mechanisms (exercise helps me a lot) but because of the current situation (work/kids at home) there just isn’t the time and as it happens, starving myself doesn’t take any extra time, so it just sort of happens. Had an awful start to the day yesterday but it got a bit better towards the evening. Onwards and upwards. Take care of yourself x

How you are @Star8181. I was doing “well” for a while and my weight stabilised, but now I’m restricting again. I’m so tired of it all. I just want to be well. The weird thing is that the rest of my life is fine. I mean work/lockdown/homeschooling is hard but I’m managing and in many ways I’m feeling better than ever. But I just can’t crack the food.

Hi @HappyGowerGirl good to hear from you. Sorry you’re still having food issues. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s impossible to sort my food issues right now as things are so long difficult for us all and it’s such an engrained coping mechanism. I feel like I need my eating disorder to get through all this at the moment, I’m finding it all so hard. I miss normal life!

@Star8181 I think you describe it well, it really is an ingrained coping mechanism. I hope things with food will get easier when life goes back to normal.

I thought I’d come back and update as it’s been quite a while and I was hoping one day I’ll be able to come back and see how far I’d come. Unfortunately I’m having a relapse at the moment, after doing so well for months. This is despite having amazing support from my ED team, I really feel like I’ve let them down. I’m not able to fight this eating disorder at the moment, so I’m restricting heavily but my weight is still healthy which lets me off the hook for now. I’m beginning to realise I have to learn how to manage living with anorexia rather than without.

@HappyGowerGirl @glitteringfishy @needtowalkmore @brainstormer123 @ScrumpyBetty Hope you are all well. Anyone else?

Really sorry to hear about your relapse @Star8181 but in a funny sort of way it makes me feel less alone. I am struggling too and had an appointment with my amazing dietitian yesterday where we went through strategies to keep me as safe as possible while I am relapsing. The NHS won’t see me again because my BMI is just within the normal range so I am lucky I can access her privately. What you say about learning to live with it struck a chord and my dietitian said it was like being a functioning anorexic until I was ready to move forward again. Every part of me is wishing I hadn’t weight restored and my body image is rock bottom. I am 50 and only developed anorexia in my late 40s but it’s beginning to take over again after a few months of doing well. I know recovery isn’t linear but it’s still hard isn’t it? Hope everyone else is doing well.

@needtowalkmore really good to hear from you. I’m sorry you’re struggling, I totally get the alone feeling, that’s exactly why I posted here, because I just feel so alone with this.
I also couldn’t cope with the weight gain of recovery, hence why I’ve ended up here again. I just can’t cope with the feeling of being a higher weight. So perhaps a quasi-recovery will have to do for now, I just cannot see how to live without an eating disorder. Im so pleased you get to see a dietician, she sounds really good. Do you think therapy of some sort would help you too?

Thanks for the reply @Star8181. I have had two lots of therapy under the NHS and am not currently eligible for any more. The first counsellor wasn’t right for me and I feel like she set me back . The second lot of appointments were more successful and I had 10 sessions with her before I was discharged. Luckily I met my dietitian at the eating disorder service and she then started her private practice. She does lots of cbt and body acceptance work so I am going to keep seeing her but at the moment I just can’t tolerate the the weight gain. She is really understanding and can see that pushing forward is too difficult at the moment so I am focusing on trying to maintain for the time being.

It’s so difficult when everyone comments that I look so much better yet I feel worse than I ever did at my lowest weight. Like you, I am becoming resigned to quasi recovery and can definitely run the house and hold down my job like this.

How about you? Do you have support at home? Are you managing to keep yourself as safe as possible?

Thanks again for this as I don’t know anyone else who is in this position and your post came just as I was trying to come to terms with not being able to tolerate being weight restored any longer. I really hope things pick up for you.

Hi @needtowalkmore, I can’t believe you only had 10 sessions! How are you meant to beat an eating disorder in that short amount of time? Your dietician sounds like a godsend though, i hope you can hold on to her. I’ve been very lucky to have almost 2 years of therapy, it seems to vary so much in different areas. I still feel like I have a lot to unpack but I know I will have to finish NHS sessions soon.

Same here - everyone I see is saying how well I look at the moment - ie, my weight is heavier than pre-pandemic It drives me mad and I have to bite my tongue and not say how terrible I feel. I’m glad you understand. I do have support at home from my DH but this eating disorder makes me so secretive, I can’t help but hide as much as possible from him. It’s crazy. I think I’m just embarrassed about it and don’t want anyone to take my ED away from me.

So sounds like quasi recovery is the way it has to be for now for now. Maybe after some time you might have be able to make some more steps forward.

Hi @Star8181. Hope you had a good day and managed to look after yourself as best as you can at the moment.

You are right in that 10 sessions barely scratched the surface because I was completely in denial at first. I know how lucky I am to be able to work with my dietitian and am hoping to keep seeing her although I am wondering whether to take a break for now whilst I am actively relapsing. It seems a waste of both of our time when I am not in a position to follow her advice at the moment. She does so much more than just meal planning and nutritional advice. She has got sessions planned on distress tolerance, clothes shopping and body acceptance which sound really useful but I just can’t face it for now. Every part of me feels so uncomfortable that I am desperate to lose some of the weight I gained recently. It’s so hard isn’t it trying to keep the weight low enough to be able to tolerate it without becoming really ill again. Every day feels like a balancing act.

My husband is great too but has no idea I am struggling again. I completely understand what you mean by not wanting anyone to take the eating disorder away from you. I am really embarrassed too. Most people see me as a woman holding down a professional job and being a good wife and mum too. I hate the thought of them knowing the truth about how much I am struggling so I become really secretive.

I think I am finding your messages are so helpful because we seem to be in similar positions. I really hope you can move forward again soon.

Hello @needtowalkmore, sorry for not replying sooner. I’m really struggling with terrible anxiety in the evenings at the moment. I think it’s worse when I restrict, so I guess that’s why I’m feeling so on edge.

What you have said about having people see you as a professional has struck a chord with me - I feel like I have to function in my job and as a mum so I keep myself from getting too ill. That hasn’t always been the case, I have been signed off work for 6 months previously to allow me to recover and this makes me worry what the future holds if I carry on like this.

Have you been honest with your dietician about how things really are? Maybe then you can work through reasons for not being able to move on with recovery. Take care of yourself.

No problem @Star8181. Sorry to hear you are feeling anxious. It becomes a spiral doesn’t it where restricting makes you anxious but the thought of eating more is even more frightening? I can cope during the day because I am so busy but then my thoughts get more uncomfortable in the evening and I keep going over what I have eaten during the day. I try all the usual things of going for a walk, having a bath, reading etc. My dietitian wants me to go back on medication but the side effects were really bad so I am having reservations.

I was signed off work about 2 years ago and am really trying to not get to that point again. I work in a school so am on holiday for another 3 weeks. I love my job and although the last 18 months have been really challenging it felt like I couldn’t get ill because it was so important to keep things going for all the children in school and for the ones learning at home. I am really looking forward to September and hope we can get some normality back for them and help them make up for the last year emotionally, socially and academically.

I haven’t been as honest as I should with my dietitian because I am worried about what she might suggest. It’s ridiculous but part of me doesn’t want to tell her everything because I don’t want to get better if that means gaining weight.

Take care of yourself too and I hope you find some time for yourself today.

@needtowalkmore I think we lead parallel lives! I’m also a teacher. I’m also adamant I must not get myself in a place where my eating disorder impacts my pupils. I have a real paranoia about fainting in front of my class!

You are right, it must be the relative quietness of the evening that amplifies the anxiety, I think I’ll try keeping busy. Please do reconsider the medication, I’ve tried several but finally found one that has helped my depression with no side effects.

Have a good day, take care.

Evening guys. Sorry to hear you’re having a set back @Star8181, and that you are feeling anxious. Anxiety is the pits!!!

I haven’t got any wisdom to add but so much of what you and @needtowalkmore are saying strikes a chord. I too have a professional, quite stressful job and children. I think often people think I am coping “so well” with a busy life when I am crumbling on the inside. I am very secretive about my struggles with food as well. I will often tell people I am “much better now”, whereas in reality food remains a struggle for me.

My weight has been stable (though still too low a BMI but at least not losing anymore) for maybe 6 months now. I go through phases of feeling okay and being able to eat okay-ish (enough to maintain the current weight), but then anxiety will strike and I will restrict as a coping mechanism.

I too worry that these issues with food will be here to stay forever😢 I have a family holiday coming up with my inlaws and I dread it. They are so wonderful but don’t know about my struggles (well, they must have noticed my weightloss but it isn’t mentioned) and I DREAD the shared mealtimes, them cooking for me, etc. At home I often eat in private (though I do share some meals with my family) and I just dread having to eat in large groups. I don’t necessarily mind eating in front of other people but I want to be in control of WHAT I am eating and WHEN, and when I can’t control that (eg inlaws like to eat late whereas I hate eating beyond 5pm!) I get stressed.

Other than the food issues I am doing quite well, enjoying work and family life etc. I just wish I could have a normal relationship with food.

If anyone has any tips for dealing with food issues whilst on holiday with other people I would love to hear them. If this was all too detailed and triggering then I am really sorry and feel free to ignore.

Hope you are both hanging in there.

Oh wow @Star8181- I thought we seemed to have a lot in common! Yes, the thought of being unwell in front of the children is a real fear for me too. Maybe that’s why I am struggling at the moment because I don’t have the same motivation as when I am working?

Today has been up and down. I had a lovely breakfast out with the family and then cooked a Sunday dinner but the guilt is really kicking in now. I wish I could stop myself overthinking about what I have eaten, how much I have exercised and how it will affect my weight. It’s so frustrating that I can’t just enjoy a “normal “ day with my husband without feeling so bad about it afterwards. I will consider the medication and am working myself up to try and get an appointment with my gp to discuss options.

I hope you managed to keep yourself busy and that your anxiety is becoming manageable.

Hi @Star8181 and @HappyGowerGirl. Hope you are both ok.

I completely understand about the dread of eating in front of others and of not being in control. I am going away next week with my sister in law and niece and am struggling to be excited about it because of worrying about what we will be eating. My niece is 15 and unaware of my situation so I am really concerned about doing anything to make her suspicious as she is at such an impressionable age.

The only way I can cope is by telling myself it is for a limited time and that i will be back in control again as soon as I get home. I keep telling myself that a few days won’t make much difference overall but I hate the way it impacts on my time away. So, sorry but no other words of wisdom but I will keep thinking about how I have got through holidays in the past. Could you say that eating late doesn’t agree with you or will that make things difficult?

It’s interesting that we can all hold down jobs and have good family lives whilst inside we are constantly fighting these issues with food. I wish we could find alternatives to restricting but sometimes it’s the only thing that makes me feel less anxious.

Thanks @needtowalkmore, I do also think it’s only for a short time. I just hate it when my anxiety about food gets in the way of enjoying things. I hope you manage to enjoy your trip away with the inlaws!

For me restricting is definitely a (poor) coping mechanism. I have only started doing it since getting rid of some other awful coping mechanisms (prescription drug dependence). I sometimes tell myself at least restricting food is not as damaging as my previous coping mechanisms, though I’m not sure it’s true. I have developed some healthy coping mechanisms too so I try to utilise and build on those.