Becoming food obsessed

[Star8181]

I feel like a fraud here but need some advice so I hope that okay...I need to share to get some thoughts.
I feel like I’m really obsessed with food these days, food thoughts preoccupies my head much of the day. I’ve been restricting my intake, especially during work as I find it really easy to go without and I have become completely unable to eat in front of people, but I will have some food in the evening when I’m home. I don’t even know why I’m doing it, just that a little part of me gets a buzz from being able to ignore the hunger, which I realise is wrong. I’ve been lying to my family about what I’m eating to cover up which I hate. I’m exercising as much as I can as I love the feel of burning off calories and I’m also weighing myself a lot.

I can feel this could get much worse and I desperately want to stop these thoughts but I don’t have an eating disorder (yet) so I don’t think the GP could help me. But I need someone to help me get back on track or someone to talk to, I think? Feeling quite down at the moment

Hi @HappyGowerGirl Sorry you’re struggling with being sick as that sounds really hard for you. I can feel really bloated after a meal but haven’t actually been sick. I eat little and often as I prefer this to feeling too full and I also drink a probiotic each day and eat fermented foods like yogurt, kimchi and kombucha as they seem to help my digestion. Don’t know if that would work for you or not?
I managed fine at brunch thanks as they served porridge and fruit which I am ok with eating. It’s just so frustrating to be so limited while everyone else is just enjoying the food. Part of me would have loved to try the pancakes or even a cappuccino rather than a black coffee but I can’t face the guilt and anxiety afterwards. But a few months ago I couldn’t have eaten anything in a cafe so I can see some progress is happening.
@Star8181hope things are ok for you too.

@needtowalkmore glad you managed okay at brunch! Porridge and fruit ain’t no pancakes but you went and you at, and that’s great.

Thanks for the suggestions, I tried kimchi the other day but it wasn’t for me! I don’t think I have problems with my digestion though, it’s more the feeling of being very full that I hate. It doesn’t happen a lot luckily. I find if I stick to smaller more regular portions of my safe foods I’m not so likely to be sick.

The issue with the vomiting is also that very often, I’m not hungry at all. But sometimes I can suddenly feel quite hungry. This is when I’ll optimistically eat a larger than usual meal, and then I get the strangest sensation, almost like I can’t really feel full, so I end up eating more than I usually would. In the end I do end up feeling too full and that’s when I am sick.

Last night I walked to the corner shop and bought a packet of crisps. Then I sat down in front of the TV and at it, and I didn’t even feel bad. Such a normal thing to do (and I used to do it quite often) but I haven’t done it in ages. Felt weirdly proud of myself doing something so ordinary.

@HappyGowerGirl Wow! That is brilliant with the crisps and you should be proud. I am sure you would think it was an achievement if someone else did it so recognise achievements in yourself too. For people with an eating disorder “ordinary “ things are definitely worth celebrating.

I know what you mean about going from not hungry to really hungry in seconds. Our hunger cues are not reliable so perhaps we get too full too quickly and then the physical sensations alongside the anxiety can lead to feeling sick? I am much happier with small portions of safe foods but also know I need to push myself to eat more both in quantity and variety.

Let’s celebrate the small wins when we get them. Well done again.

How are you both @Star8181 @needtowalkmore?

I’m doing okay, not great I guess. Obsessed with how much I weigh, trying to loose a few pounds as I know I will inevitably gain a few over Christmas. My weight is okay-ish (BMI 17.6), it could be and has been worse. A bit low on energy, no doubt because I’m not eating enough. Ugh. Just feeling a bit down about it all.

Hi @HappyGowerGirl, nice to hear from you. Sorry you’re struggling, it’s a tough time of year with food anyway, with Christmas fast approaching. Any plans for Christmas?

If it’s any consolation I’m not doing much better. My team are having a meeting this week to discuss things, because I’m losing again and my blood tests are dodgy. I’m not even sure how I feel about recovery at the moment - I want to be better but i don’t want my eating disorder to be taken away from me. I need it to cope. It sounds so fickle!

Is it okay if we don’t mention weight or BMI here? I find it too triggering. I know I did earlier on in my thread while I was getting on top of things, but at the times I’m doing my best to recover, it’s really too much.

Take care of yourself and hope @needtowalkmore you are okay too.

Yes of course, I’m sorry for mentioning it, I wasn’t thinking. Sorry you’ve had some dodgy blood tests. It’s good your team is meeting, hopefully they can come up with some suggestions which sound manageable to you. I relate to the idea of wanting to be “better” but at the same time struggling to let go of the coping mechanisms. It’s hard. Hope you feel a bit better soon

@HappyGowerGirl how are you doing? @needtowalkmore Are you ok?
I’m feeling very down at the moment, all my support has stopped and I’m finding it difficult to cope. I actually had a good Christmas and enjoyed some food which was amazing - I refused to let the ED interfere with family celebrations. But now it’s all over I’m struggling, I’m too scared to weigh myself in case my weight has gone up but at the same time i has a taste of freedom from the eating disorder which was amazing! I feel like I’m at a crossroads.
@needtowalkmore I’m thinking about going back to the lovely dietician you recommended. But I don’t know if I can afford it. Also not sure if I need someone more therapy orientated. I reckon I can eat ‘normally’ but it’s maintaining it that I struggle with because I feel so disgusting in my own skin at a higher weight 😩. After a bit I freak out and end up restricting again. In an ideal world I’d like someone to check in with every 2 weeks but I’ve no idea where to start looking!

I hope you have a happy new year and fingers crossed to making progress in 2022. Take care both x

@Star8181. I am really glad you had a lovely Christmas and I know exactly what you mean about seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and tasting freedom. I really hope you get there!
I understand how you feel when support stops. For me, it felt like I was discharged at a “healthier” weight but I was at a really low point emotionally. Please keep messaging if you need to xx
I managed really well over Christmas too but am now feeling guilty and hating the effects on my body. I really enjoyed being able to eat like the rest of the family but am not sure how long I can keep it up for. I feel guilty for eating so much but then annoyed because other people manage to do it and not agonise over it.
I am still seeing the dietitian and she has been brilliant at helping me to tolerate this weight gain. I am seeing her once a month at the moment and have found her help invaluable. This has been the longest time in years that I have stayed at a more optimal weight and the work I have done with her about relaxation techniques, body image etc has been really useful. I started seeing her after having therapy with another counsellor for 2 years and I needed that therapy first. Good luck finding the right support as this can make all the difference in the world.
Your timing was brilliant because I was panicking about going out for a takeaway with friends and this feels too much after Christmas but I am going to go and am determined to enjoy it. I still feel like a fraud because I have eaten more than I would usually but I suppose that is what happens at Christmas anyway? Thanks for the message and I hope you and @HappyGowerGirl both have a positive and healthy new year. Let’s see what chaos school brings next week !
Thanks again

Hello @needtowalkmore @Star8181 so good to hear from you, I’m so glad to hear you both managed well!!! I recognise what you’re saying - I too managed to enjoy it which I was pleased about but am kind of relieved the constant eating is over now. I can just about deal with the food itself (and even enjoy it at times!) but I’ve realised I thoroughly hate eating in front of other people. Not just that but having to follow their agenda, what you eat and when etc.

It daunted on me the other day that growing up (very stressful household at times) mealtimes were always the worst (in terms of arguments). I wonder if this has affected my attitude towards food and shared meal times. I don’t know.

BTW @Star8181 I think it’s great you’re recognising you may need some help with “maintaining” - it’s so hard to know where to look for the right help though, isn’t it! And then like you say there is the cost element…

Lovely to see you responses last night, it really kept me going - I was having major wobbles yesterday! I managed to have drinks and food last night that was made by someone else which I’m proud about, just struggling with feeling disgusting today.
@needtowalkmore I hope you managed your takeaway last night too. You put it so perfectly about the end of therapy - being a better weight but be emotionally worse - I’m not great with words but that’s exactly it.

@HappyGowerGirl, interesting about meal times as a child. It can’t have helped your feelings around food and seems likely it would have an impact now.

Take care both, let’s hope for a happy and healthy year ahead.

Hope the wobbles and disgusted feelings have mellowed a little @Star8181, it’s a horrible feeling. When I feel like that I find getting outside for a walk helps a lot. Doesn’t have to be anything too energetic but I find the fresh air and just being in nature helps.

I can sense myself feeling much calmer now all the “events” (socialising and party food etc) have finished. January is normally a time for me to restrict after Christmas but this year I’m going to try my best not to & to maintain in the face of challenging feelings. I know I will feel more energetic and healthier if I don’t restrict so that’s my main motivation.

Hope you’re both okay.

Hey @Star8181 @needtowalkmore how are you both doing? I am enjoying the routine of January and I’m feeling okay. I am managing to maintain my weight, however I only eat a very limited range of foods. Some of them are fortunately quite high calorie (hence maintaining the weight) but I’m worried it is not healthy for my body to eat so few different foods (I’m eating about 5-7 different foods at the moment, basically eating the same each day). My question is do either of you take any multivitamins to help with this sort of thing? I already take multivits and extra iron. Feel free to ignore if this doesn’t apply to you.

Hope you’re both doing alright.

Hi @HappyGowerGirl
I take a multivitamin every day as this was recommended by the ED doctor. I take centrum for women as that was the one they recommended. I am also prescribed calcium and vitamin D as I have osteoporosis. Let’s hope they make a difference!

I eat a limited range too and my blood test last week showed high cholesterol which is ironically caused by not eating enough fat so I am really trying to address this. It feels extra hard to eat new foods but I know I need to in order to get better physically and to be able to be more relaxed about food. Have you got any tips?

I am really struggling with the weight restoration and it’s becoming difficult to maintain my meal plan as my body image is very low. I am not restricting but every instinct is telling me that I should. Work has been difficult as we are so short staffed so I am really looking forward to this weekend.

I am glad you are doing well and enjoying your routine.

@Star8181 I hope you are ok too and that you have a great weekend.

Hi both,
I’m also on centrum multi vitamins and Adcal vitamin d and calcium tablets for osteoporosis.
I don’t know how much they do.

Things are going fairly well at my end. I haven’t weighed myself or tracked calories for 10 days now. I know I’m still choosing low calorie options but one step at a time. I am both really enjoying that I’m allowing myself more food and hating the way my body is feeling now. It’s always the way my body feels that trips me back into restricting again. I feel like it’s something that’s been really lacking with my NHS support, no one has talked to me about how to get though it so I’ll see how it goes after a few weeks of this!

It must be an ED thing, as I tend to eat the same thing every day, particularly for breakfast and lunch. It’s hard to deviate from safe foods. I’ve started by eating different fruits. Normally I stick to raspberries, strawberries, grapes and melon because of the low calorie content, I’ve added in oranges and bananas this week. I try and tell myself all fruit is healthy so it’s okay! One food at a time maybe @needtowalkmore?
I wish I could forget how many calories are in each food, it’s so ingrained in my head. I was at my parents yesterday and they had ‘normal’ mayonnaise in the kitchen. I was wondering why anyone would buy a full fat version of anything, but I used to once upon a time! Its all really hard.

Anyway, happy weekend both.

Hi both thanks very much for the advice on the multivits. @needtowalkmore I wish I could advise on how to introduce new foods. Like @Star8181 introducing one none-threatening food at a time might be the way forward. I go through phases of being better and worse with new foods. After the holidays is always a bad time for me in terms of sticking to safe foods because I so lacked control (over what to eat and when) during holidays.

One thing I find helps is BUYING the new foods in the first place. I do all the shopping and currently I only buy my safe foods for myself. There are some other foods (e.g. ham, and almond biscuits) might also eat if they are there, but because they are not on the “safe” list I don’t tend to buy them. But if I am brave and buy them then I will sometimes eat them if I’m in the right mood. (Can’t believe I would consider myself brave for buying ham, FFS😬).

Sorry to hear work has been stressful @needtowalkmore, I hope you can manage to relax this weekend.

Glad things are fairly well @Star8181, it’s a huge step not to weigh or track calories (even if it’s difficult to remember the calories!).

We all just need to keep going, I guess.

Oh I did have another question (sorry!!!). I wonder if I should make a GP appointment to see if they can do my bloods given that I am underweight, to see if I am deficient.

I’m worried I’ll ask and they say no. I once mentioned my weight loss more than a year ago and they just seemed so dismissive. I did have my iron checked a while ago which was fine but I don’t know if they looked for anything else. I probably should just ring and make an appointment but I’m very reluctant for some reason (worried about being dismissed and worried about being taken seriously at the same time😬).

Thanks both of you for the tips. The trouble is I can buy all types of food but I see it as food for my husband and son not for me. I do all the shopping and cooking so am really careful about what I cook and need to stop doing separate meals for myself. I was watching my husband eat some cake tonight and wished I could just have a piece but know the guilt and anxiety is too much to cope with at the moment. It’s so frustrating isn’t it?
I would definitely ask the doctor about a blood test and really wish the nhs would not see BMI as the determiner for the level of support needed. It’s so hard to ask for help and then be knocked back. Unfortunately it’s experiences like that that can make an eating disorder seem invalidated.

@HappyGowerGirl buying ham is definitely brave as it means you are challenging yourself!
@Star8181 Glad you are doing so well and making real strides forward. I wish there was some support in tolerating body changes as this is often a reason for relapsing.

Hope you both have a good week. I have just heard we are already 3 teachers down for tomorrow so let’s see what the rest of the week brings.

Oh god @needtowalkmore it must be so hard with colleagues dropping like flies! I hope your week goes okay.

I know EXACTLY what you mean about doing seperate meals for yourself. I do the same thing and it really bothers me. I also tend to eat them seperately (children eat theirs earlier and husband eats later). This is kind of excusable in the week because of school and work but in the weekend we should probably all be eating together. I hate all eating together because a) it’s stressful because the children are young and messy and b) I hate the thought of having to eat what they eat. But I stress I set an unhealthy example by eating seperately and I dread the day the children ask them why I rarely eat with them. I don’t know how to fix this.

If you are able to buy all sorts of food perhaps just set yourself very small achievable goals for eating new things - one or two non-threatening new foods a week maybe? Choose ones that are already similar to the ones you are able to get eat? I’m sorry, I don’t have any useful advice as I struggle with the same things😬

Hi both. @HappyGowerGirl did you get any blood tests sorted? I find that they are always dismissive of my weight even though i’m underweight. Even my latest letter from the ED clinic to my GP said they had no concerns about my weight despite losing so much!

Anyway, I came to say that I’ve still not been calorie counting and definitely eating a lot more. I finally caved and weighed myself last night and I haven’t put on a single pound! I don’t even know if this is good or bad!!

I also have been cooking separate meals for me, I pretend it’s due to my intolerances to certain foods. I ALWAYS cook, don’t think my husband has ever been allowed. I was very brave at the weekend as there was cake on offer and I ask him to cut me a slice. It felt easier somehow, that the portion size was decide me for me. I’m still eating the same safe foods for breakfast and lunch but being more adventurous with evening meal and snacks. I’m determined to keep this up!

@Star8181 it sounds like you are making brilliant progress in lots of different ways so well done for being so brave.

@HappyGowerGirl Thanks for the tips. I am going to choose a couple of new foods each week.

I took both of your advice and am introducing some challenging foods by making small changes such as rice rather than cauliflower rice. I had forgotten how much nicer real rice was! I don’t think other people realise the effort needed just to eat a few spoons of a new food can be.

I am determined to make changes this year and to stick to them. I have wasted too many years and need to get out of this before the physical effects really catch up with me.

does eating clean helps in this case.

Hey @Star8181 and @needtowalkmore how are you both? I’m hoping it’s a good sign that you haven’t been needing the thread lately!

I just thought of this thread earlier and then reread some of my latest a posts and it struck me how much better I am doing now. I still have a difficult relationship with food but it does not dominate my life at the moment fortunately.

I’ve got some good healthy coping mechanisms and I continue to work on accepting myself for who I am. Not always easy but am making progress.

Hope you’re both okay.

Lovely to hear from you and I am so glad things are going well for you. Do you mind me asking what coping strategies are working for you? I am trying meditation but that doesn’t always work.
I have been discharged (again!) from ED services so am pleased about that but might still see the dietitian privately every couple of months or so just as a safety net.
I am managing to maintain my weight but it’s still a struggle to accept this new body even though I know it is so much stronger and healthier. I have also been able to be more relaxed about eating out etc and am only doing sensible amounts of exercise so things feel more positive for me too.
I need to keep going as I have got a promotion at work so am going to be busier than ever. I am just hoping that the extra pressures won’t be too much so I am being mindful of any relapses so I can address them immediately.
What you said about accepting yourself as you are makes perfect sense and I hope we are all getting there.
This thread definitely helped me when I really needed it and didn’t have anybody else to share my thoughts with so thanks again to you and @Star8181
So pleased to hear your good news.

Hello both, good to hear you are both doing okay. I too am doing okay. I feel like I’ve made some really positive changes recently - like trying foods I’ve not eaten for years and trying to eat intuitively when I’m hungry not when the clock tells me. I’m really enjoying the freedom it brings and that keeps me going. I’m not saying things are perfect by any means - I’ll always choose the lowest calorie option, maybe out of habit, or security, I don’t know. I still like my safe foods and my usual bowl and cutlery (I know it’s strange!)

One thing that has massively helped has been going on holiday abroad this half term. I wore a bikini!!! It was hard and I felt very self conscious but it made me realise what a normal body looks like. We were also all inclusive so lots of foods to try and no calorie labels. Last time I went abroad I was in the hotel gym every day running on the treadmill, this time I was lazing on my sun lounger by the pool! It was amazing!

Im so glad I’ve had you both (and everyone who has posted here) The support has been invaluable and some of the loneliest times.

It’s so amazing to read your updates!!! Huge well done to you both for making such great leaps forwards. And congrats on the promotion @needtowalkmore 👍