Becoming food obsessed

[Star8181]

I feel like a fraud here but need some advice so I hope that okay...I need to share to get some thoughts.
I feel like I’m really obsessed with food these days, food thoughts preoccupies my head much of the day. I’ve been restricting my intake, especially during work as I find it really easy to go without and I have become completely unable to eat in front of people, but I will have some food in the evening when I’m home. I don’t even know why I’m doing it, just that a little part of me gets a buzz from being able to ignore the hunger, which I realise is wrong. I’ve been lying to my family about what I’m eating to cover up which I hate. I’m exercising as much as I can as I love the feel of burning off calories and I’m also weighing myself a lot.

I can feel this could get much worse and I desperately want to stop these thoughts but I don’t have an eating disorder (yet) so I don’t think the GP could help me. But I need someone to help me get back on track or someone to talk to, I think? Feeling quite down at the moment

Hello @HappyGowerGirl good to hear from you. I hope you are well. And hi @needtowalkmore. I’m also going away next week, staying with my in laws. I’m really excited about getting away for a change of scene but also very worried about the food situation. They use so much oil when cooking and everything is high in calories and I hate not being able to check the calories of the food. I’m going to try hard to not let it ruin family time, hope you both can do the same.
I’ve spoken to my GP this week and have some anti anxiety medication (propanalol) although I don’t think it’s doing much.
@HappyGowerGirl I think you have done so well to keep your weight the same, that is progress, even if the thoughts are still there.

Oh man holidays are such a mixed bag of feelings aren’t they! I liked what one of you suggested - seeing it as just a short space in time and trying to enjoy it.

I tried propanalol as well once, it helped a bit… not as much as diazepam which is AMAZING but given my previous dependency issues (not diazepam, but still) I don’t use that anymore (it shouldn’t really be used long term in any case). It does really take the edge off though, although I must say that walking and spending time outdoors also does a good job of alleviating anxiety for me.

I’ve come to the conclusion today that food is just a bloody bastard. Feel bad if I eat too much (like today), feel bad if I don’t eat enough. Feel bad when I gain, feel bad when I loose. F*ck food! So yeah, maintaining my weight is the best I can hope for at the moment, so that’s what I’m aiming for for now. Hope you both have a nice time away without too many worries🙂

Hi @Star8181and @HappyGowerGirl
Let’s hope we can all enjoy our break away. My lovely sister in law has just sent me an email to say she has booked an afternoon tea next week whilst we are away. The thought of this is already making me panic and I feel so bad for not being more grateful.

I saw my GP today and she has prescribed propranolol to help with my anxiety. I was worried about tablets but she thinks they will really help with symptoms like palpitations so I think I will try them. Again, it seems we are following similar paths!

Walking helps me too but I need to be careful not to overdo it as it can get a bit obsessive with me. I have osteoporosis and fractured my ankle earlier this year so I am missing not being able to walk as much as I used to do. I can manage half an hour or so each day before it gets too painful but I really enjoy being outside and walking.

Food is definitely a bastard! Let’s hope we get the upper hand soon or at least learn to live with it.

Hey @needtowalkmore and @Star8181, Just wanted to say I survived my holiday and dare I say it was fun! I did find myself eating a lot more than I usually would, and sometimes it would make me feel anxious, but surprisingly sometimes I was also able to simply enjoy a meal with my family!

It really helped to think “it’s just for a short time” as one of you recommended.

I’m really pleased food didn’t ruin my trip as I had feared. I did gain a bit of weight which I have mixed feelings about. I know this is healthy for me and therefore a “good thing”, but of course now I’m back home again I intend on going back to the weight I was before🤷‍♀️

So things are not perfect, and I’m not perfect, but at least I was able to enjoy the holiday for the most part.

Hope you are both okay.

Hi @HappyGowerGirl - I am really glad you were able to enjoy your holiday and it’s lovely to hear from you again . I know what you mean about being able to tolerate eating more as long as it is for a set period of time. I am glad the idea helped you. I was able to eat on holiday too and, like you, surprised myself by actually enjoying some of the food. But now I am panicking because I feel so guilty for letting myself put weight on and am really struggling to eat now that I am back home.

My husband has just suggested going out for breakfast as a treat on my last day before going back to school and I am doing my best to look pleased about it even though it is the last thing I want to do. I hate the way my eating disorder has such an impact on my family so I will go and look like I am enjoying it.

Part of me is actually like forward to going back to school so I can get back into a routine. Let’s see if I still think like that at the end of the week!

Hope that @Star8181 is doing well too and I am really glad you enjoyed your holiday.

Hello both, good to hear from you. I’m back from my holiday too and having similar thoughts to you both. Although I’m too terrified to weigh myself in case I have put on weight!
I’m already back in school and liking the food routines, not having people asking me to eat out because it’s the holidays and being able to cook my own food at home in the evenings.
Sometimes I so wish I could live free from anorexia but I just don’t know how to beat it Sorry I can’t write more, I’m fed up today! Take care both.

Sounds like we all love a good routine😅
@Star8181 I hear you and I feel for you. It is a suffocating thought to think one might never be free of this.
So sometimes I try to accept “food issues” may stay with me forever but they needn’t always be this bad. For some reason I find that thought less stressful than thinking I’ll never be free of this.

I’m pretty bad at the minute, I have a lot of work stress and the urge is to restrict to cope. I know it will get better again (it always comes and goes) but I hate it when things are shit.

Sorry, not explaining myself very well. Just feeling a bit knackered and shit.

How have you been @Star8181 and @needtowalkmore?

I went through a really good phase post holidays of maintaining a steady weight and eating okay-ish.

Now I’m starting to restrict again and I’m tired of it. I don’t really know why I do it. I saw a picture of myself today from a few years ago when I was a healthier weight. Objectively I looked so much better then yet I can’t seem to eat like a normal person.

I feel like I only ever post when things are going downhill again, sorry about that. I’m not at my lowest but just weary of where this is going. Oh yeah, and I’m cold all the time. Had to leave the park early with my children today because I was cold. Anyway, that’s the end of my pityful rant. Hope you guys are doing okay

Hello @HappyGowerGirl, don’t feel bad about posting, I guess that’s what we all do here, looking for support or even just for someone to understand is sometimes what we need.
I do understand how you feel, it’s all consuming living with an eating disorder. I’ve not been doing very well again for the last few months and I’ve lost a stone. But I cannot do another winter struggling with the cold. It’s a miserable existence. That’s one of the biggest motivators to get back on track. Not that I’ve made any changes yet. I think my ED team are despairing, even though they never show it.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling as wel @Star8181. I’m sure your ED team aren’t despairing, as professionals they know how hard this is to beat. I agree the cold is awful. Can you treat yourself to some nice new baselayers? You shouldn’t have to suffer just because you’re unwell. Hang in there.

Hi @Star8181 and @HappyGowerGirl Sorry to hear you are both struggling but am afraid I am following the same pattern. This half term at school was so challenging that I fell back to old habits and stopped eating at all during the day. Part of me is really pleased that I can fit back into my “thin” clothes even though my latest blood test showed my white blood cells were really low again. I am so tired of trying to find the energy to push myself to eat enough not to lose weight. I can sympathise with being cold and bought fleece lined tights today and thermal vest tops so maybe you could try that as a short term measure? I am trying to use this week off as time to recover and recharge and haven’t planned anything at all.
I am seeing the dietitian next week and am dreading it because things have really deteriorated since I saw her a few weeks ago. I am so tempted to cancel the appointment because I am embarrassed about doing so badly again.
I wish I knew why we are all finding it so difficult to make changes and I hope that you both look after yourselves and manage to have some time to relax.

@needtowalkmore sorry to hear you’re struggling too. Very recognisable about a challenging half term and not being able to eat it the day. Pretty much the same happened to me. I think (not) eating is the only control I have when things get tough. Please don’t cancel your appointment, you obviously need it and they won’t mind that you’re struggling (after all if you weren’t struggling you wouldn’t need the appointment!).

Can I ask, is this a dietician specialised in ED and is it through the NHS or private? I’ve gotten no where with the NHS with regards to my eating issues and am willing to go private but I don’t even know where to start.

@needtowalkmore lovely to hear from you too, I hope you have time to recover this half term. I’ve said it before but I feel like we live parallel lives - I’m also loving fitting in to my ‘thin’ clothes again. I totally understand how easy it is not to eat in the day during term time too. Teaching is so busy and I tell myself there is no time to eat.
@HappyGowerGirl I also have the dietician this week, this is through the NHS eating disorder team. I’m lucky to have a psychologist and psychiatrist as well. Although I feel like I’m letting them down at the moment. Is there no where your GP can refer you to?

I’ve mentioned my weight to the GP before, they didn’t seem to concerned. I guess my BMI isn’t really low enough (17.5 now, usually between 17 and 18).

Hi @HappyGowerGirl The dietitian I see does specialise in ED. I initially saw her through the NHS but she left that service so now I see her privately. It’s much more convenient because I can see her after school and I am lucky enough to be able to afford it. She is brilliant and covers all the mental health support as well as nutrition advice. She costs £45 a session and I now go every few weeks but under the nhs I saw her every week for a fixed amount of 10 sessions. If going private is an option and you are anywhere near Cheshire then I would definitely recommend her.
It’s so wrong isn’t it that nhs are still so reliant on BMI. When I was at my highest BMI that’s when I felt the most ill yet the ED service discharged me because I was at a healthy weight.
@Star8181 I know what you mean about feeling you have people down and I think that’s one reason I am so tempted to cancel but I think I will go or else it will feel like I have completely given up and I am not ready to do that.

@needtowalkmore do you think you can DM the name of your dietician? I have a few issues with mine, I don’t want to go into it here, but someone else might be helpful.
I’m really glad you are going to your appointment. I have had no desire to improve my situation the last few months, I’ve needed my eating disorder too much. But being on holidays this week reminds me how much I’m missing out - family meals, meet up with friends and so on (not to mention the terrible cold!!) and a little tiny bit of me wants to try again.

Good to hear you’re both still trying. I am trying too. Part of me wonders what a dietitian could even do for me. I mean, I KNOW what I should be eating, I just can’t seem to do it.

Hello. I've been lurking here and "know" some of you from the other ED thread.

Just to say on dietician. I've recently started treatment and have been seeing a dietician. OMG. Amazing.

She helps tackle the eating and she has helped me verbalise how I think around food. I've never said any of these things around another living soul and this has been so important.

I can see now that without a dietician, I wouldn't have been able to make changes or get anywhere with therapy. It wouldn't have been enough with out a dietician.

I'm now up to eating 3 meals and 1 snack. Never thought I'd get here. And she uses the recovery record app where I log my meals and I can log my thoughts along with it. She comments sometimes, encourages me. But I'm able to say some of these things about eating and my thinking around eating.

This leaves my therapist to tackle the underlying causes of the ED.

I think it's essential with anorexia to have a therapist and dietician.

I would recommend it. Go private. No limit on sessions. A lot of them charge between £60 and £70 a session so if you can afford it, do it.
Game changer for me.

Sorry you're all struggling so much. Anorexia is hard. It's so hard to escape from.

Hi @thesootherfairy, thank you so much for your very insightful and inspiring post. I’m so glad you have found the dietitian helpful. Perhaps this is something I should explore. I don’t know if I consider myself to have anorexia, I just know I have issues with restricting food intake and maintaining a healthy weight. I often feel like a fraud on these kinds of threads but I’m grateful for the support.

Hope you manage to tackle some of the underlying causes with the therapist.

@thesootherfairy, hello, good to hear from you. I think you are doing amazingly considering you have only recently begun your treatment. I don’t know where I’m going wrong. I do desperately want to live free from the confines of an eating disorder but at the same time I just can’t let it go. I ‘miss’ it too much when I’ve attempted recovery. I don’t know if that makes sense. Maybe I’m not ready for recovery. I feel embarrassed by the amount of NHS resources that have been used on me and I still can’t get anywhere. My latest blood tests weren’t great so not sure what’s going to happen next week. I think the dietician is calling me about ensure shakes to drink. But I won’t be able to bring myself to have them.
I’m so sorry about the self centred post, I’m feeling very stuck at the moment.
@needtowalkmore I have made contact with the number you gave me, maybe someone new might help, a fresh start.
Hi @HappyGowerGirl, hope you are okay.

Hi@Star8181@HappyGowerGirl
I am really struggling too and feel so embarrassed to still be in this position. I am in my fifties and am still going backwards and forwards despite 5 years of treatment. I can get to a “healthy “ weight and then panic and go straight back to restricting again. I am so tired of battling with myself to eat but just can’t stop restricting. Now that I am no longer really underweight then most people think I am better so I feel like I am a fraud if I ask for help.
I know all the facts and even having osteoporosis and recent blood tests showing deteriorating levels isn’t enough make me want to make changes.
It’s so relentless isn’t it? I am sat here trying not to panic because I had some cake earlier today. Even admitting I ate some cake makes me feel like I can’t possibly have anorexia anymore. There is absolutely no logic to this and I think that is what is so exhausting.
@Star8181I really hope the number is useful. She has been the one person who understands and I feel increasingly guilty about not being able to make progress despite all her support. I don’t know if I can face going back to her while I feel like such a failure. Her help has kept me out of hospital and has got me to be healthy enough to work full time again bur now I feel so stuck and a big part of me wishes I hadn’t put weight back on.
I am sorry that you are both finding this so difficult but hearing your experiences makes me feel less alone. We have to keep trying even if it’s one step forward and two steps back sometimes.

Hey @Star8181 and @needtowalkmore. Just wanted to say all your feelings are sadly so recognisable. You are not alone. Hope you’re having an okay week.

Hi @Star8181 and @HappyGowerGirl
Hope your weekend is going well. School has been hectic so I was more than ready for Friday afternoon to come round.

I am going to keep my appointment next week despite feeling a fraud for being a more healthy weight. I know I will feel better after talking it through with my dietitian as she has been the only person who seems to understand how confusing and contradictory this illness can be.

I am struggling with even knowing if I “really “ have an eating disorder any more and don’t feel like I deserve any help but I do think that’s a common problem of anorexia. On the other hand my husband has just suggested brunch out tomorrow and I am already frantically re-calculating the rest of the day to make sure it fits in with my calories so I suppose that’s not a normal reaction to going out for a meal.

I really echo what you both feel about being stuck and the thought of yet another Christmas taken over by worrying about food is already making me anxious.

Sorry not to be more positive but hopefully we will all manage to make some changes soon.
Have a good weekend and look after yourselves

@needtowalkmore I am glad you are keeping your appointment next week. I hope you manage to enjoy brunch with your husband. I was worried last year ahead of Christmas but actually it was okay (foodwise). Like with my holiday this summer I managed to relax somewhat and enjoy myself. I did gain a little weight I guess, but then lost it again afterwards in January which I was both pleased and annoyed about😖😖😖 But anyway, I wanted to say that sometimes the things we dread are okay in the end.

I’m doing sort of okay at the moment, my main issue right now is that after eating a normal sized meal (which I occasionally manage) I’m often sick. It’s not so much a fear of the calories (although that too I guess) I just absolutely hate the feeling of being “too full”, which I feel very quickly. I am managing to eat enough of my safe foods at the moment to maintain my weight but I’m still frustrated with myself for not being able to eat a normal meal and digest it normally like a normal person. Ugh.
Sorry if this is at all triggering, I can’t remember if either of you have/had problems with vomiting after meals.