Becoming food obsessed

[Star8181]

I feel like a fraud here but need some advice so I hope that okay...I need to share to get some thoughts.
I feel like I’m really obsessed with food these days, food thoughts preoccupies my head much of the day. I’ve been restricting my intake, especially during work as I find it really easy to go without and I have become completely unable to eat in front of people, but I will have some food in the evening when I’m home. I don’t even know why I’m doing it, just that a little part of me gets a buzz from being able to ignore the hunger, which I realise is wrong. I’ve been lying to my family about what I’m eating to cover up which I hate. I’m exercising as much as I can as I love the feel of burning off calories and I’m also weighing myself a lot.

I can feel this could get much worse and I desperately want to stop these thoughts but I don’t have an eating disorder (yet) so I don’t think the GP could help me. But I need someone to help me get back on track or someone to talk to, I think? Feeling quite down at the moment

So sorry to hear that star8181 How are you feeling this morning?
You sound as if you're in a lot of pain and you sound scared. From your other posts, it seems that your restricted eating has got out of control to the extent that you can't stop, and you're keeping on losing weight even though part of you realises that you shouldn't be. Eating disorders are really a battle between two different parts of ourselves. Your biggest fight at the moment is with your inner bully who constantly talks and nags and yells and tells you not to eat, and that you've eaten too much, and that if you eat any more something bad will happen. The bully is constantly telling you that you are a failure, worthless, that you don't deserve to eat. Recovery is about finding the compassionate side of yourself and cultivating that. The side of you that probably feels lost or very small at the moment, the side of you that knows that you are a good person, deserving of food and love and that you need to look after yourself. It's a long road and a long battle (I'm going through it too), it's not about not listening to your inner bully. It's about acknowledging the bully when it speaks and then speaking back to it. So for example, your inner bully might say 'you can't eat the whole banana,think of calories, you are so greedy..yadda yaddda yadda'. Start by taking time to acknowledge this voice, and realising that it can't hurt you. You probably will need some help and support to do this at this stage. Is there anybody you can talk to in RL? Eating disorders thrive on secrecy, if you force yourself to be honest with someone, it might help. Maybe your mum or a friend? How would you feel about calling the eating disorder helpline: 03000 11 12 13. Thinking of you xx

@ScrumpyBetty thank you for replying, I can’t tell you how much it means that someone is out there. I was in a lonely place the other day. Thankfully the dark cloud has lifted a little, enough for me to carry on anyway.
Everything you have said makes complete sense, I have a voice in my head that tells me I shouldn’t eat and I don’t deserve to eat and it berates me when I do eat. It’s my voice but at the same time it’s like a separate part of me. Inner bully is a good description. I would never tell anyone about this voice - they would think I’m insane!
I haven’t told anyone in my family about all this, not even my husband, although they are all concerned about my weight loss but I just make up excuses. I know if I tell them, they’ll watch me and I don’t want them seeing all the things I do, like weighing food, throwing it away, checking calories on packets etc. I have confided in one friend though, and it has helped having someone to talk to. I’m hoping to get some help when I have this assessment in a few weeks time, I’m clinging on to that for now.

Thanks again @ScrumpyBetty, wishing you well with your recovery.

So I had my assessment today and I’ve been diagnosed with EDNOS. I have to decide whether I would like to go ahead with treatment. I can’t help feeling a little like a failing or fat anorexic, the lady said basically I have all the characteristics of anorexia but my BMI needs to be below 17.5 for that diagnosis, mine is around 17.8. Oh well.

You are not a fat or failed anorexic. You are an already underweight and struggling woman who does not need to become more underweight to achieve a certain diagnosis. The more weight you lose the more you will have to regain and the deeper you will go into your eating disorder. Trust me, I speak from experience. I get it, I really do. I am trying to recover and every time my BMI goes above the threshold for my diagnosis, I seem to relapse. It makes no sense to me as I do not want to spend any more time in this hell. You are worthy of treatment and recovery no matter what your BMI or diagnosis. You do not need to get sicker first. Your eating disorder will never be happy no matter how much you lose. I hope you can accept help and that waiting lists for treatment where you are aren't too long. Good luck.

Thank you so much glittering, I know you are talking sense. I’m feeling better today. Luckily no wait to commence treatment, pretty amazing really, they just want me to be sure it’s what I want. Good luck for your recovery too. Let battle commence.

Just updating as I need a little outlet. Still waiting for treatment to begin and my BMI is now 17 (or 17.5 with clothes on like when I got weighed at the clinic). It’s such a lonely place to be, i wish I knew someone in real life in a similar position who I could talk to. Praying for contact from the ED centre soon.

Hope you're ok, OP.

Thank you @Teabay, still waiting for treatment to commence. Scared of what I’m doing to my body, I get dizzy when I stand up quickly and i think my heart rate is really low - around 44bpm but sometimes 38 at night, not that I sleep. I toss and turn and dream of counting calories and that I’ve eaten in my sleep, it’s hell.

I know exactly what you are going through and how horrible it is. I was initially refused NHS treatment because my BMI was 17.7. After losing more weight I began treatment with the Eating Disorder team in Cheshire and found the support really useful.

Two years later I am still underweight and struggle to keep my BMI above 16 but I am now seeing a dietitian on a weekly basis and am feeling more hopeful than I have done in a long time. I am currently trying not to go for another walk (hence the username!) because I feel I have overeaten at lunch so I know I still need help. It’s a long process but don’t give up and try to be kind to yourself.

I know what you mean about meeting people in similar situations because I have felt very isolated. I did try a local group but everyone else there was a teenager and I was in my late forties so it wasn’t really what I was looking for.

Feel free to ask any questions about the treatment I had from the Eating Disorder Service. It wasn’t as scary as I thought!

Good luck to everyone who is struggling xx

@needtowalkmore thank you so much for taking the time to share, it’s so helpful to hear other people’s situations, it definitely makes you feel less alone. I’m glad the dietician is useful, I’ve been told to that I will start treatment within the next month and part of it will involve seeing a dietician so it’s good to hear it’s helping. I’m really trying hard to eat just that little bit more than usual at the moment but it’s so physically painful to eat a larger amounts as well as mentally, but I guess I will eventually get help with this.

I know how you feel about the walking - but for me it’s running, I have to go pretty much every day to burn off what I’m eating or I get so stressed.

I know it’s a long journey ahead, but it’s better than living with this torture. Good luck with everything x

Just wondering how things are going for you Star? Hope you are managing to eat something and that you are feeling a bit more positive about the future. It does help to talk to people in similar situations - at least they don’t just tell you to eat if you are hungry!

I know what you mean when you said you wake up thinking of calories. For me it’s the last thing I think of as I fall asleep. I even panicked because I dreamt I had eaten a big meal and had to check the fridge to make sure it wasn’t true!

Keep taking it one day at a time and one meal at a time. It helps me to focus on eating something small but nutritious and to try and think of the food as a dose of medicine. Don’t know if this will help you or not but i wanted you to know that other people are struggling too so keep asking for help especially as it can feel like such a lonely illness
X

Hello @needtowalkmore, I’m okay thank you. Well, you know...eating disorder is loving me being back at work and getting away without eating all day, I know it’s not right but part of me just loves it. I know I should focus on one meal at a time, and I do so want to recover but I’m not down to the goal weight I have in my head and it’s like I’ve decided that I can’t recover until I get there Anyway I finally have my first proper appointment booked in so I guess I will discuss this if there is an opportunity.

How are things for you? Have you managed to cut down on the walking? I have also had the checking the fridge thing in the morning because of the crazy dreams!!

Hi Star8181
Thanks for replying and I hope your appointment goes well. It really helps to have someone you can talk to without being judged so I hope you can tell them exactly how you are feeling. Remember that they hear stories like ours all the time and they won’t be shocked so be as honest as you can.

I know exactly what you mean about having a goal weight. I never quite got down to mine and I keep wondering about getting there even though everyone tells me I still won’t be satisfied. Part of me thinks I should just do it to see if it works or not.

I saw the dietitian today and got upset because I couldn’t tolerate putting half a kilo on over the last 2 weeks. The trouble is I can function fine at this BMI (16) and can’t think of a reason to put any more weight on. Even being diagnosed with osteoporosis hasn’t worked because I can convince myself that I might have got it anyway.

I also went back to work this week and am trying not to use it as an excuse not to eat. I keep telling myself that I need the energy to keep going all day so we’ll see what happens.

Thanks again for replying. I can’t really tell anyone in real life how much of a struggle it is to not lose weight again.
It would be lovely to hear how you get on at your appointment
Good luck

@needtowalkmore just wondering how you are? I’m a month or so into weekly counselling with the ED centre, not much has changed though, I’m still losing weight fast - my BMI is now 16.9 - my goal weight, but of course I want to keep going. My BMI was 18.8 when I first started this post and it scares me that nothing much has changed despite therapy. Hope you are okay.

It’s been a couple of months since I posted here and I’m working on recovery. I’m trying so hard to eat more but it keeps leading me to crazy binges where I literally feel like I’m out of control and can’t settle until I’ve eaten everything in the house that contains sugar. My dietician says it’s normal when your body has been starved for so long and it will calm down but it’s so unsettling. I feel so full tonight it’s uncomfortable. Has anyone experienced this? I really need some reassurance as I can feel myself wanting to restrict again.

Hey, good to hear you are working on recovery. It’s so tough. Just wanted to say yes I have absolutely experienced what you’re describing and found this article really helpful in explaining it:
tabithafarrar.com/2017/01/extreme-hunger-anorexia-recovery/
In my experience it comes in waves and will calm down once your body starts to trust that it will have enough again. Restricting again will only lead you back round the same loop (I know this as am currently in relapse number 3) and you’ll only have to go through this stage again. It’s horrible, it’s uncomfortable, it’s terrifying....but ultimately better than living with anorexia. Not saying it’s easy and wish I could take my own advice! Hope that helps, you’re not alone.

Oh thank you so much for replying @glitteringfishy, I really needed some reassurance. Last night was insane, I just couldn’t help myself! That article was very good, answered a lot of questions. It’s so hard, I’m doing well by eating more but up to now not gained anything and I’m terrified of that but at the same time I know its going to have to happen at some point.
Im sorry to hear you’re relapsing, do you have support? Please look after yourself.

Glad the article helped. It is so distressing feeling so out of control, I know I’ve had times in recovery where I’ve practically eaten the entire kitchen and still not felt satiated. Don’t know how to get over the fear of the necessary weight gain as haven’t cracked it myself yet. My best period of recovery was when I got rid of my scales though so I just couldn’t check the numbers. Sounds like you’re doing, just got to keep going. You can do it!
I do have support, thank you. I have a private therapist and am under both the community mental health and eating disorder teams. Discussing the possibility of an admission next year if things don’t improve. Getting tired of fighting. This time of year definitely isn’t helping!

You’re right, this time of year is so tough when you have an eating disorder. We have family meals planned, it’s going to be hard.
My hunger seems to have calmed down a bit today, thank goodness - last week I was even having to get up in the middle of the night to eat!
Thank you again for the reassurance, it really has helped. I really hope you can keep fighting, you’ve done it before so you can do it again.

Anyone else really struggling over the Christmas period? I’m really not doing well. Decided I would let myself enjoy Christmas dinner and a few treats including a glass of wine for the first time in over a year. I seemed to have gained 6lbs in 4 days!! It’s sent me into a bit of a spiral - I know the point of recovery is that I put weight back on but I cannot cope with it and I’ve started calorie counting and restricting again. My anxiety is through the roof.

Thought I might update while I’m sat here wide awake at this time. I can’t believe I started this thread over a year ago, how naive I was to think I could get myself well in a month or two.
I’ve been threatened with inpatient a few times now, but seem to be getting through by the skin of my teeth, as they say.
Lockdown has ‘helped’ I guess, as for the 4th time in a week I’ve got up in the middle of the night to binge (I say binge - 300/400 calories maybe) because I can’t sleep due to hunger. I hate myself for doing this. I’ve put on 3lbs doing this, I can’t stand it. I feel like I’m a failing anorexic now
Tough times for everyone so I should stop the self indulgent post now.

Hi, I’ve just RTFT, how are you doing? Thinking of you

Gosh @BrandonBliss, thank you for reading and your kind wishes. I’m not doing brilliantly I guess, I’ve not been bingeing at night but gone back to massive restriction and I’ve lost 3lbs in the last week. I’m not able to eat until the evening each day because I don’t feel like I’ve been active enough to deserve food. It’s completely draining thinking about food 24 hours a day, I can’t do this anymore. I feel like it’s so hard to say it out loud how bad things - starving yourself is such a crazy thing to do. I really do scare myself sometimes and wonder what on earth I’m doing.

I have stumbled across this subject just today but feel like I have written this post myself. For probably about a decade I have been approaching medical experts from counsellors to my own G.P. asking them just to listen as I need help to stop this thoughtless binge eating!!! Every single one of them has looked at me in pity and said, "your okay, your not over weight. Don't worry". Then in February I went for my regular smear and the nurse told me I'm obese but again with the caveat, "Don't worry, I just have to make you aware".
Well, I'm sorry but I am f*ing worried!!!! So, are you gonna help me? Yeah, sure...so she says, "just try to eat less"!!!!
I totally get what you're saying Star8181 about not eating during the day cos you don't feel as if you've done enough to deserve it but then the minute I start eating in the evening, I can't stop. And then sometimes, I just wake up in the morning thinking, "I'll start the day well and have breakfast." Then before I know it, I've had toast, crisps, biscuits...I might as well have ice cream, chocolate and another packet of crisps.
I wish I could just STOP!!!