Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

[FightingBed2014]

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

Jass you are doing so well in letting go of the idea of perfection, don't worry if you aren't quite over it though, it's an ingrained thought process . With the difficulty you have with being at home and not eating, have you thought about trying mindfulness? Many people find the Headspace app fantastic, it might be worth a try. If you can 'master' it then it's a powerful tool to be able to sit back and observe what's going on without engaging emotionally for a moment, it may help you identify and deal with the real need that you have (that isn't for food)? For me this seems to be the next step for you because you have successfully tackled a big part of recovery, as in you've stopped restricting and you've stopped judging yourself so harshly. Now you need to go a little deeper into the thoughts and emotions behind bingeing.

Hello everyone - always nice to see a little flurry of messages when I pop back in here. Another hello to any newcomers.

sleep you asked about my routine - on a regular weekday I usually find it easier to stick to my plan of having 3 meals and 2 snacks. I get breakfast, lunch and a late afternoon snack at work, so I'm really only left to my own devices for dinner. So a 'good' day would be doing that, then having a satisfying dinner afterwards.

Because there are people around, and I have meetings / lots of work to churn through, it would be quite difficult for me to overeat during the day (unless there's a bake sale, or lots of birthdays that day :)), but generally I'm 'safe' at work. Weekends are much trickier, as meals can drift and blend into each other!

For the last few months my routine has been: breakfast is either scrambled eggs or porridge, lunch tends to be soup or a salad, or both, and the mid-afternoon snack recently has been something like a nakd bar, or some fruit. And dinner tended to be whatever DP had made, but recently I've been making my own dinner so I can control it better. Today was some chicken soup and half a melon. And then an optional snack later - sometimes oatcakes & hummus, half an avocado, a hunk of cheese or something...

So on one of these mythical good days, I suppose I'd just eat those meals and nothing else. Writing it down it all sounds a bit diet-y but I eat large enough portions so that I don't feel deprived or hungry at any stage really - and it's all food that I genuinely like too. When I was originally counting calories (I've stopped now) I was aiming for around 2,100, but dropped it to 1,900 to compensate for the binges. But either way, hardly starvation.

It's strange because I used to like food / cooking, and would have considered myself a foodie, but BED has really changed the relationship I have with food so that I'm almost scared of it. The food I binge on isn't necessarily 'good', it's simply plentiful and available.

I would normally try not to eat lots of refined sugar, and I'm trying to listen to my body better so I know which are the foods that make me feel worse. For instance I had some dark chocolate covered rice cakes that made me bloat instantly every time I ate them, so have refrained since. That all goes out of the window during a binge though - an entire loaf of bread in the form of PB&J sarnies would break any 'rule' I might have set myself.

Sorry, that ended up being super long. But does any of that suggest I should be doing things differently? Is working from home the worst thing I could do right now?

Oops in my haste I managed to miss two whole pages of posts.

Skoda everything you've said sounds really familiar. I've been unhappy with my weight gain while I've been at my worst but I have to remind myself that until I recover, I won't lose weight anyway, so I might as well focus on recovering fully first, and then my weight will naturally settle.

I do find it hard to put it out of my mind, but some of the things the ladies here have suggested about focusing on things you like about yourself, and positive self-talk, have helped.

Missed you margo! Come back when you're ready and let us know how you're getting on?

Lou, the situation with your sister would have been difficult for me as well. I suppose it comes back to feeling deprived of having what you really wanted? What would have happened if you had eaten the brownie while she was there, just out of interest?

Jass I know what you mean about wanting to be able to enjoy time at home. Last weekend I decided I'd get up and out as early as possible and planned to be out of the house and busy all day, as a binge avoidance tactic (I sensed pretty much before I'd even got up that a binge was inevitable if I had unstructured time). Now that you've pointed it out, that was a pretty poor solution; it's actually quite sad that I can't enjoy being at home with my family without that level of anxiety. Sigh - so much more work to do...

Or Jass, and I'm just wondering out loud here...do you feel like the 'perfect woman' thing is a bit of an act and the facade drops a bit when you come home and relax? If this resonates then I'd make a list of all the 'perfect' attributes others would see you as having, which you maybe don't really believe yourself? For each, see what external evidence you can come up with to reinforce your self esteem (career progression, client or boss's feedback - or very happy, loved children for example). If there are some where you don't feel comforted or uplifted by the evidence then could you start dropping the act a little and being more honest and authentic about having 'weaknesses' - such as feeling dragged down by housework after working outside the home and so arranging a cleaner? I think if

Oops-sorry. I think if you can loosen control on those other areas then the need to use food as an outlet might lessen ...and the effect on relationships will only be good when you are being true to yourself and those you love or even work with?

Maggie I think your instinct about not being as relaxed on 'good' days as you initially thought may be right . Even though you are eating 3 meals and 3 snacks as per Fairburn, it all sounds pretty controlled - you even use word like 'safe' when describing it .

It might help to make a list of foods you label 'good' (or healthy) and 'bad' and consider why you see them that way. It's great to eat and prioritise things that are undoubtedly good for our bodies but we don't have to do that 100% of the time. The foods that are less nutrient dense only become a problem when they form the basis of what we regularly eat (the dose makes the poison). There are also shades of grey in many foods in that sense - where can you recognise those?

Where could you relax a little with food in the week? What about allowing yourself to pick and choose whatever lunch you feel like in the moment, rather than planning?

Lou as Jass said, if anything it looks like your 'good' day may be undereating. The binge day you describe does sound like a lot of food in one day (though not outrageously so), two traditional dinners plus pudding for example, ...but on your weekday there's no proper meal there at all -yoghurt and fruit doesn't really qualify . So balanced out over the week, what you are consuming doesn't sound excessive, it's more your perception of the weekend eating 'ruining' everything.

I would suggest trying to eat a proper meal in the evenings, even if it is just meat/fish and veg or an omelette with some veg if you don't feel terribly hungry for a more traditional dinner. You recognise that you don't experience lunch at work as a meal because you don't have a break, so make sure you get a full, enjoyable meal (by which I mean not just the food but the sitting, relaxing, spending time with others) when you come home.

I'd also suggest starting to write about your relationship with your sister, from as far back as you can remember. It sounds incredibly difficult wrt her eating disorder and you feeling unable to share your own issues with family because of it. Have a think about your individual roles in the family and why they might be that way, also if you'd like things to be different? How would you describe your relationship with your sister?

Hello may I join you?

I've been a binge eater for many years. I went on my first diet when I was 15 (I was 8 stone and 5ft 7) and I've been dieting/binging ever since. I was raised by two very glamorous parents who were constantly on diets and still (in their 70s), talk about "shifting that half stone". I'm now 45 and have managed to keep the binging under control thanks to sport. I used to run almost every day and did not restrict diet in any way. Once I knew I could eat what I wanted, I could keep the bingeing at bay.

However, I have recently developed sciatica and got nervous about not being able to run so I thought the 5:2 diet might work for me.
Mistake! I managed two fast days which were followed by an almighty binge. It lasted 5 days and I managed to stop yesterday. I still ate way too much but it wasn't a binge as such, just a day where I ate constantly even though I wasn't hungry. It wasn't the panic-driven binge-eating of the weekend.

Just feel like a big fat lump.

Hi Down, sorry to hear about your sciatica - rest assured you aren't the only person on the thread to be freaking out about not being able to exercise off calories! And the 5:2 disastrous for anyone with a tendency towards disordered eating, especially binge eating - your reaction to the fast days was very predictable when you think about it - please go easy on yourself, you are not a big fat lump!

Sometimes I think we need to think about the weird way the world works. Believe in fate - things happening for a reason. I think that our bodies tell us when something needs attention, be it physical or emotional. Your sciatica is telling you to slow down and look at what needs to change, a warning signal before something more serious happens if you like. So don't be cross, work with it. I'd suggest yoga for a start, if you have been running a lot then it should be amazing for you and it often gives us a new acceptance and appreciation of our bodies. You may also be surprised at how tough a workout some classes can be .

You identified yourself that when you accepted that you can eat whatever you want (albeit because you believe that was because you were exercising hard), you didn't binge or overeat. Have a think about the fact that you can still do that now - if you tune in to your hunger properly. If your weight remained stable then you must have been eating just what you needed in terms of calories but without any counting? Ie eating as your body wanted? If you can stay calm and practice eating mindfully you may well find you naturally eat less than you did when running a lot and you won't gain weight.

Sorry, I should have said you aren't the only person to have experienced a freak out when rendered unable to exercise to the same as previous extent - some posters here have been through that and out the other side and can probably share helpful stories, others may join you in solidarity

sleep in terms of grading restrictions, I would put yesterday as about a 5, Sunday as 2, and a restrictive day before Fairburn at 8 (juicing only would be my 10).
I understand what you are saying about trying to eat a proper meal in the evenings but I have problems with this as I often eat late, on my own, after going to the gym/for a run. Yesterday was a rest day but tonight I will eat later after gym class, for example.
It's not that I don't feel hungry for a proper meal in the evenings, I am very hungry but if I ate veg and meat/fish or omelette/salad as you suggest I wouldn't feel the meal was 'complete' without something sweet like fruit or yogurt, and then I feel like I've eaten too much, so I tend to just go for the fruit and yogurt instead. It's like a meal doesn't qualify as one for me unless it ends in something sweet!
Maggie I think if I had eaten the brownies in front of my sister I would have felt judged. Also strangely she was serving them out, and served the kids and DH but not me ...
I certainly feel like there is only room for one person with an ED in the family and she was so off the scale worse than me that I don't really qualify and I don't want to worry my Mum further as she was so concerned about my sister, and still is.
Down I totally and completely understand where you are coming from, I am just now recovering from a knee-op after a running injury. I relied on running to keep my weight low and when I stopped training regularly I became so paranoid and went on all sorts of weird diets including 5:2 which was disastrous for me!! I have just got back in the gym this last couple of weeks and I am trying to be more aware of my body now and stop/slow down when things start to ache, and focus on enjoying the exercise.

Wow, lots of action! Well done & thanks to sleep for so generously dishing out her v helpful & practical advice.

In no order:

Maggie I am not sure working from home is the issue, the binging is - an obv point I know. I have found it provides the opportunity & access but I'd find that anyway even if I was working outside the homr if I wanted it enough....

I am massively concentrating on trying to manage how I work. As I have realised (doh!) that the way I deal with my work massively impacts on how I feel. It is a big & important part of my life.

Part of this reflection has lead me to look at building a routinue into my day. Not to just help with avoiding binging but also it helps me cope with my feelings around work.

Being tired is a massive contributor - how much sleep are you getting?

Somebody mentioned perfectionism, that is my driver. I binged last night as I felt a failure as a mother as once I got the kids (at the end of childcare) I just let them watch TV. I felt I should be delivering an amazing creative and fun time for them.

But actually DH was out, so in 1.5 hours I: I cooked us all noodles, put them to bed and read them both stories, which is good enough....it just didn't feel like it at the time.

Lou is it not worth trying to have a meal at dinner time? Even if you would rather not. Fruit & yogurt doesn't sound very satisfying even if it does fit your thoughts/beliefs about what you should eat? Sorry if that sounds bossy, just trying to be encouraging.

I also saw this Huff Post article recently about the origins of body shaming. It features a quote from the book sleep often recommends which has moon in the title and talks about how society has started to idealise boy like shapes for women - think catwalk models - instead of our natural shape - think Renassainse (sp) paintings.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7185210

Thought of us all.

With working link m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7185210

Great article Margo, thank you.

Lou - you are doing really well in loosening your restrictions but read back over what you posted - they are still there and need pushing back a little more . If you are hungry in the evening after the gym then you need to eat. Trust your body. Have something decent and something sweet - its ok! You can see the predictability between no decent dinners all week and feeling tired/fed up (of maintaining control as well as usual work/life challenges) then going overboard on the weekend ?

I would still try and do the exercise I mentioned, journalling about you and your sister - just for yourself. Its amazing how journalling can help you clarify your own emotions and thoughts and get some perspective on how to deal with them .

Margo - I think more of a routine would be great for you. And I'm pleased you can see that you were being overly hard on yourself regarding your parenting standards - next time practice reacting that way immediately (again - mindfulness ). Can you have a think about why your standards are so high for yourself? Whose standards are they and why are they necessary? Do you/would you judge others with such a high bar? Why not? Perfectionism can be a fantastic thing in some situations, it probably makes you amazing at your job, for starters - but no one is 'perfect' at every aspect of life!

Hi ladies, busy week here so will come back when I can reply properly but I'm trying to read when I can. It's great to see the thread so busy and everyone letting things out. Thinking of you all.x

So, I think we have a rather common portrait of the women we have on the thread - high achievers with family/kids, who have all through their lives been so perfect - work, home, sports. Of course all this business means no time to be with ourselves, think who we really are, instead we havebeen quite happy to be the societal conformists we have always been. As we move on into 30ies or 40ies, it does not all come together effortlessly anymore. Mostly, everything rlse still ticks, but seems like with metabolism slowing and maybe also general energy running a bit dry, or sport routines break down (injuries, or, in my case, numerous pregnancies foloowed by mc in last 4y), the weight starts creeping up.We have controlled it with diets for over 10 years or with running marathons or other excessive sports (I think more than 5 hours is excessive for woman with family and work ). Suddenly we can not anymore. Fear and panic. More restrictions. Then BED sets in.

Not all fit this, but quite many here seem to.
And then we waste the precious years of our lives on trying to stay slim or regain normal weight by only concentrating our thoughts on food. It is so sad that we need to en it. I have to look into this mindfulness thing. I know nothing of it, need to learn.
I am trying to remember things I did with food when I did not have BED yet: I made cake every weekend. I cooked lovingly for my family with best ingredients I could find (I come from the childhood of real food restrictions, grew up in territory occupied by Soviet union and have seem food stamps, no meat, no fruit etc in shops so really enjoyed when food eas readily available and I started to earn enough to by it). others have said here they are actually foodies and I am, too. What if I just tried to get back into that routine? And just by these size 14 clothes or even looser and forget about it all? Most of my colleagues aremuch older than I am and they seem to be perfectly happy in their larger bodies, in fact they look younger if size 16 or sth, so obviously it is also nature who plumps us up when we are middle aged so we can still look fresher for a few years:-))) Most colleagues are male anyway and among them there is much bigger variety of weights, obviously because they mostly just live and do not worry about it all too much....Seems what many of us are fighting here is actually just normal course of life, is it not?

Sorry if it generalises it too much, but every newcomer here sounds just like myself lately!

Thank you so much for your replies. Now, looking back, it was not a great idea to attempt the 5:2, I could have predicted myself what would happen but I thought I could be strong enough this time round.

Thank you Sleep for your sound advice. I rang a local physiotherapy clinic where they do Pilates and I've signed up for a course starting next week. What you said made perfect sense. I know my body is sending out signals for a reason.
My husband has been getting increasingly frustrated with me for going out running in spite of the pain and getting through the day using painkillers. I know on a logical level that he is right but running was my salvation, my time to myself. Since I started running I've actually been happy(ish) with how I look.

Hopefully pilates will help me wake up to the damage I know I'm inflicting on my poor body.

I was at a family gathering at the weekend and my in-laws were there. I don't see them very often and they're nice people but my father-in-law and two of his sisters are completely obsessed with weight. They are borderline skeletal and have sacrificed their faces (all very wrinkled and slightly scary looking) for their thin bodies. They are all in their seventies and mega-controlled, no fat, low carbs, no sugar or salt. I really do not want to care that much what I eat at their age.

Maybe another sign that I need to sort myself out!

PS It's so nice to find that I'm not alone in this. I'd always put my binge-eating down to lack of self-control, coupled with greed and an extreme type of personality. I thought it was just me, it's such a relief to find there are others out there.

Hello all. I was around on first thread and then disappeared in order to start another 3 diets... Yes it would be funny if not so sad and true! Anyway I'm back and have name changed and I hope to stay this time. I'd just like to say to sleepwhenidie that your advice is so sound and your comments so understanding and you are such a help to everyone, so thank you! I am going to start the practical section of the fairburn book again after work tonight and will update. Also just 1 more thing. Runninglou I could be you and I get you 100% and am going through exactly the same as you at the moment. Anyway just wanted to mark place and I will write more fully about myself later. I'm so glad this forum is here it really is a comfort

HI everyone.

Just trying to catch up with everyone's posts.

I've been working on dd's sleep the last few nights and last night had the most success ive had since she was born. She slept 1-7.45 in one big block. And I managed to fall asleep around 3 and sleep til DH woke me up with a cup of tea at half 7. The kids were late for nursery and I was late starting work but I am going to let that slip because I feel like I deserve a medal for the last 6 months!

I haven't binged since my birthday on Monday and I came back to healthy eating habits with the same thing that always works i.e. not restricting myself at meals. Last night I made pasta for everyone and just ate as much as I wanted til I felt satisfied and managed to not eat again til morning. Just feeling like I haven't deprived myself in some way always helps. I'm hoping I can beat this before it gets out of hand and nip it in the bud.

I'm going to read through everyone's posts now and see what's been happening.

Xx

Good that you came back, sosopurple. And dajmi, well done for getting (half) a good nights sleep!