And welcome, all newcomers. Wish, especially you. I know you would not believe if we say we have indeed been there, even if not as bad as you.
If I think back then the only thing which helped me was accepting i will never again diet. Never. We all here know this struggle out of the hopeless hole were you stuff yourself and helplessly gain, then "get your act together" for a couple of months etc.... Only to lose it again and always end up bigger than before.....
Well, the way out of the hole is other way. First, I read overcomingovereating.com. They told me what I knew of course - dieting gets you fatter! It does. Always. Over the years, if not in short term. So, the only way is no diet. And it took my mind a whole year to believe I will indeed never diet again. Even now,sometimes, I lapse and condider it, maybe do a day or two, then realise it leads back to binges and wuit hastily.
With nodiet, whenyou have finally convinced yourself that all food is equal and if you really want, you can eat it, it loses its allure. Then only comes the realisation that you can actually make healthy choiçes, because you want it. if you believe you can have every chip in the world, suddenly a cherry tomato may becom very appetizing. i remember the aha- moment, after the first year. i faced a reception table full of chips, cheese, etc - and I teuly, honestly craved that cherry tomato withmozarella. The rest I suddenly felt I had had enough. Of course, I havenet kept that feeling for always, sometimes I still crave (and then eat) the previously forbidden things. But as they are allowed anyway, I tend tombe able to focus on things I really want.
Then there is the trick which helps a lot with regaining taste for vegetables, fruit etc. - allow youself to eat allyou want, but first make sure you eat what your body needs. As sleep said - your body on your empty carb food is simply starving. Make sure you have had the colorful stuff - the veg and fruit. Then the good fats stuff - fish, avocado, meat. And thereafter eat all you want of your favourite stuff. It helps me to keep eye on positive - I have had my veg, fruit and protein. What else I had, is less important. This way you do not restrict, but can rebalance your diet and regain taste for healthy stuff.
Enough for know. Baby steps,remember? It takes at least a couple of years to recover from diet-bust cycle, and then it only means you get into remission. I have lost hope I will ever feel totally unnerveous around the food and indifferent to food. But the enjoyment of a good meal does come back, the binge lessens in intensity and weight gain stops. i understand overweight people evenmanage to effortlessly lose finally, if you read overcominovereater's forums. I never have lost, I have only maintained,but it does not matter anymore. More important is ro be happy, to feel good every evening you have not stuffed yourself like crazy.
One more small thing - you say you are up until 2 in the morning - 8h of sleep is a must to beat BED. A sleep-starved body sends a BED sufferer to fridge. It is as sure as 2 plus 2 equals 4.
So, you see - it is not you or your willpower. It is simple physiology and it is not your fault that years ago you were advised that diets willbe a cure-all. They are the curse!