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Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

994 replies

FightingBed2014 · 13/04/2015 18:49

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

OP posts:
sleepwhenidie · 05/02/2016 17:55

OK - the first thing to understand that your hunger is normal and perfectly understandable. It sounds as if you are trapped in a (very common) cycle of restrict and binge. If you start with the fact that hunger tells us to eat something our body needs...what we need (as opposed to what we might feel we want) is protein, good fat, quality carbohydrates and the fibre, vitamins and nutrients that come along with them. If all you actually give your body all day is tea and simple carbs, then of course you are going to feel starving by 3pm, because whilst you have put calories into your body, you haven't actually fed it. Nothing to do with your willpower or greed, but your amazing body working to survive, just as it should Smile.

Could you think about - rather than telling yourself what you can't have, give your body what it actually needs? Just try starting with a decent breakfast every day and see what happens? Have some eggs with your sourdough, or mashed avocado, or smoked salmon/mackerel perhaps?

sleepwhenidie · 05/02/2016 17:57

I'm addressing this first by the way, because there is almost always a biological element involved in binge eating - which is totally bound up with dieting and restricting food intake - and this needs to be tackled first so that the emotional aspect can be delved into deeper Flowers.

jassS · 05/02/2016 18:27

Iron, Sleep - the running issue. I am not sure it is quite so simple always - of course those who truly do not like it should stop. But I like it. i used to be exactly like poster ppl - happy, smiling, slim, fit,marathon under 4h. And I kept beating myself up when I started to run less, because of course then I started to gain weight. Remember,distance runners are very efficient machines - I am not going to mention how much it was, but according to my Polar watch I spent at my first ever 30km training run twice as many calories than two years later,when I was used to them.

So, when you start running less, you gain inevitably. I started running less because I also wanted to skate,bike,do joga, swim - and with my running schedule there was simply no time. But all these sports are less energy-expensive (because you need to do them longer to spend asmuch as running). So, running became something I was really depnedent on to maintain weight. It has been a struggle to accept it, very similar as the struggle with accepting the BED and the fact that I am and will remain bigger than before. And that is why I see it as an important part of recovery that I run less. Like Iron, I still do bthw feel guilty if I only do yoga, but I do not allow to go running after my yoga class. Generally, I also force myself to have 2 rest days per week and I do nothing when ill (yes, I previously also ran through bouts of viruses etc). It is like curing the reverse binge, the binge to spend. And I am sure that is what it is, even if I liked it when I was competitive marathon runner and everyone admired my speed, form and figure. It was obsessive.

jassS · 05/02/2016 18:49

And welcome, all newcomers. Wish, especially you. I know you would not believe if we say we have indeed been there, even if not as bad as you.

If I think back then the only thing which helped me was accepting i will never again diet. Never. We all here know this struggle out of the hopeless hole were you stuff yourself and helplessly gain, then "get your act together" for a couple of months etc.... Only to lose it again and always end up bigger than before.....

Well, the way out of the hole is other way. First, I read overcomingovereating.com. They told me what I knew of course - dieting gets you fatter! It does. Always. Over the years, if not in short term. So, the only way is no diet. And it took my mind a whole year to believe I will indeed never diet again. Even now,sometimes, I lapse and condider it, maybe do a day or two, then realise it leads back to binges and wuit hastily.

With nodiet, whenyou have finally convinced yourself that all food is equal and if you really want, you can eat it, it loses its allure. Then only comes the realisation that you can actually make healthy choiçes, because you want it. if you believe you can have every chip in the world, suddenly a cherry tomato may becom very appetizing. i remember the aha- moment, after the first year. i faced a reception table full of chips, cheese, etc - and I teuly, honestly craved that cherry tomato withmozarella. The rest I suddenly felt I had had enough. Of course, I havenet kept that feeling for always, sometimes I still crave (and then eat) the previously forbidden things. But as they are allowed anyway, I tend tombe able to focus on things I really want.

Then there is the trick which helps a lot with regaining taste for vegetables, fruit etc. - allow youself to eat allyou want, but first make sure you eat what your body needs. As sleep said - your body on your empty carb food is simply starving. Make sure you have had the colorful stuff - the veg and fruit. Then the good fats stuff - fish, avocado, meat. And thereafter eat all you want of your favourite stuff. It helps me to keep eye on positive - I have had my veg, fruit and protein. What else I had, is less important. This way you do not restrict, but can rebalance your diet and regain taste for healthy stuff.

Enough for know. Baby steps,remember? It takes at least a couple of years to recover from diet-bust cycle, and then it only means you get into remission. I have lost hope I will ever feel totally unnerveous around the food and indifferent to food. But the enjoyment of a good meal does come back, the binge lessens in intensity and weight gain stops. i understand overweight people evenmanage to effortlessly lose finally, if you read overcominovereater's forums. I never have lost, I have only maintained,but it does not matter anymore. More important is ro be happy, to feel good every evening you have not stuffed yourself like crazy.

One more small thing - you say you are up until 2 in the morning - 8h of sleep is a must to beat BED. A sleep-starved body sends a BED sufferer to fridge. It is as sure as 2 plus 2 equals 4.

So, you see - it is not you or your willpower. It is simple physiology and it is not your fault that years ago you were advised that diets willbe a cure-all. They are the curse!

wishiwasntme · 05/02/2016 18:58

Thank you for replying to my posts and for taking the time to try to help me. I do appreciate it and I will try what you've suggested. I used to eat low carb and I have to say I never felt better; it gave me so much energy and I've never, at any other time before or since, eaten so many vegetables.

I do get up with the intention to eat properly each day, but I don't seem to be able to follow through. Maybe tomorrow will be different Smile .

My mum always rewarded us with food, so I do wonder if it stems from that, as my parents weren't physically affectionate and they never told us that they loved us. I've never felt as though I have their approval or that they're proud of me.

Sometimes I start off well, but can't sustain it. The one day I managed ok I went to bed at 7pm, and I'd had a fairly busy day. Unfortunately, when I woke up the next day I was in agony because I'd dared to spend 11 hrs in bed; any more than 4-5 hours sleep leaves me in pain when I wake, and the longer it is, the worse the pain is. Other than feeling lonely and useless, I eat to dull the pain that is my constant companion (to take my mind off of it). I look healthy from the outside (ie: no wheelchair, etc) so I often feel like a fraud as there are so many people in a worse situation than me with missing limbs, cancer, etc. This makes me feel weak and gives me another reason to eat. Why can't I just suck it up and get on with it? I should be able to push through the pain and get on with life (I'm on Fentanyl patches but they don't get rid of the pain, they just dull it enough so that I can get out of bed).

I'm sorry I seem to be taking over this thread. I don't mean to. I know my problems are minor compared to most. I hope everyone has had a good day Smile

FightingBed2014 · 05/02/2016 19:24

Hi wish, welcome. I often shorten names but yours conveys how your feeling more than most, I really hope chatting here can go some way to helping get to the underlying reasons for your mindset. As you so rightly pointed out, the weight loss addressed the symptoms rather than that cause, but please don't lose hope that it can be fixed. To look at it all in your head I'm sure it seems like an impossible challenge, where do I start scenario? Small steps is what we all agree on, learning to love ourselves and be our own cheerleaders for positivity. I may sound like I got high and put on my best 60's clothes but its been life changing for so many here and else where.

Do you feel able to go and see your GP, to ask to be referred to your local Eating Disorder Service? That may be a good start to get help that doesn't cost you anything. Waiting times can vary but its something spreading across the country and getting more and more notice. Also B-eat website can give information on local sessions for free.

Bottom line, your not alone and things can get better Flowers

OP posts:
FightingBed2014 · 05/02/2016 19:37

wish we all seem to be getting back to you at the same time, I hope its not overwhelming. When this started, we all worried that we were sharing too much and taking over, but my therapy has helped me see that if we really were those kind of people taking over then we wouldn't think to apologise either. Talk away, its here for just that and getting things out will help no end.x

JassS your last post was awesome, you would be good at some of the groups Sleep mentioned. I have found of late I want to diet again, to lose a lot of weight. I haven't and can't go near them but god do I need to eat better. I like the 'eat what you need first' it makes sense, ironically I love veg!

Part of my problem with lack of motivation to eat well or exercise is the meds I'm on for GAD. Monday I will be on the phone to get my dose reduced. I don't need the highest anymore, it makes me so sleepy but lately I haven't been able to concentrate , making errors at work etc something I've never done regularly and I hate it. Lots of those 'why the hell did i do that' moments! Over last weekend I forgot to take them and felt great, alert and with it again. normally a sign I need to reduce.x

OP posts:
MrsMargoLeadbetter · 05/02/2016 19:53

Oh wish I just want to reach out and hug you. Flowers

Can you 'just' try to eat regulary tomorrow, no matter what it is as a first step? Give yourself permission to eat regulary? Some of us on here follow Fairburn who says 3 meals & 3 snacks well try too!

A lot of binge behaviour is linked to actual hunger I believe. Not a good day here. Fridays are always a 'danger day' but added to still feeling ill & learning someone has died (not close, but related & has brought up loads of emotions) it was all too much.

However, I ended up eating my breakfast when v hungry as I was so slow at getting down the stairs today & then I need to wait for it too cool down (porridge) and also DH had mistakenly served me up DS's dinner last night, so I felt very cheated re the portion. I just wonder if that all contributed. It was almost like I felt it was going to be a bad day.

I was rewarded with food as a child and have an emotionally unavailable Dad too. :(

Tired, but will be back over the weekend.

Great to have the thread 'back'.

FightingBed2014 · 05/02/2016 20:06

Huge hugs Margo, it certainly sounds like a hard day for you. Sometimes we just need to write them off and allow ourselves to feel as crap as we do. Can you talk to DH or a friend about how upset you are?x

OP posts:
wishiwasntme · 05/02/2016 23:37

Thanks to everyone for their kindness and suggestions.

I'm sorry you had a bad day, Margo. Hopefully the weekend will fare better. I will try your suggestions.

Fighting, I hope that you get your meds sorted; I can relate to having issues with needs and with them exacerbating things, so I feel for you. I will look at the website you suggested and think about seeing my GP (I'm embarrassed to admit it's still a problem).

Jass, your post struck a chord with me. I'll have a look at the site you mentioned and try to take on board what you've said. I hope that you have a good weekend.

sleep, what you say makes a lot of sense and I feel more positive to try again tomorrow. I will start by having breakfast (I really fancy greek yogurt with honey and nuts). I will try to focus on one meal at a time and to eat more protein based meals.

Thanks to everyone. Your kindness has had me in tears. I don't feel that I deserve it, but I will try to accept it in the spirit it was meant.

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 06/02/2016 07:56

Thanks all.

I read this this morning in regards to exercise. The writer is promoing her own fitness co, but interesting all the same. And I love her motto 'progress over perfection' that needs to be motto for life!

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 06/02/2016 07:57

Err "my" motto.

sleepwhenidie · 06/02/2016 09:25

That's a great motto MrsMargo. How are you feeling this morning? Sorry to hear about your relative Flowers. What is it bringing up for you?

Did you have breakfast Wish? And jass is so spot on with her comment about sleep (and everything else but I didn't pick up on you being awake til after 2am). Just start with a decent amount of sleep and a good breakfast as goals for the day. Don't worry about what else you eat, take each feeling of hunger as a choice about what to have. If you can choose protein and fat first then great but if not, don't beat yourself up. 'Eating properly' as you put it, sounds like a lot to aim for.

One thing that might make you smile and realise how far from alone you are wish, I hope you are reading back through the old threads. Play a little game of bingo, marking off each time someone new joins and how many posts in they apologise for talking too much/dominating the thread/not really being worth people's time Smile. Everyone can post here as much as they like, we are all listening and supporting and understanding you FlowersFlowers. Whilst face to face counselling would be best, just getting all this stuff off your chest, even on a screen to a bunch of strangers, can be so helpful and enable you to see your own way forward.

jassS · 06/02/2016 14:53

Wish,mindeed, we all need from time to time the reaffirming what we do. To remind myself, not only to tell you! Hençe we are all here mutually beneficial. Trying to help newcomers does this for us - we know we have been where you are. No one here has arrived in any other state than utter desperation!

I do not quite get it why sleeping hurts? Joints? Back? My back is bad enough to hurt in the morning, so thorough stretching before bed and in the morning are,neçessary. Maybe tou can figure out some stretches which help you? No one can advise, one has to move one's body and find what works best?

Foodwise, indeed - problem is you start day off "good". And then fall off the wagon. This is diet thinking. Less carbs may be useful, but low carb is a diet. Do not diet. Just put healthy stuff first, promise the rest can follow. Often it follows, but sooner or later you start to feel sometimes the good stuff is enough. Tou will never become a pieçe-of-meat and twol lettuce leaves kind of eater, and this is absolutely not the aim. The aim is to feed yoyr body with proper nutrients AND enjoy your food. You are doing enough if you manage to do this. Weightwise - as you say, you have legs and hands and no wheelchair. Thats all you need,for now. Diets may sound like the only way out,but they are not, they are the way deeper in!

And, one more important thing - reward is not a number on scale. Reward is feeling by the evening that you fed your body, and you can be proud about it. Immidiately. As soon as you have fed yourself a good meal, vitamins, good fats, proteins - you already have done great! You do not have to wait for scales to validate that.

And promise yourself every day - when proper meal has been eaten and you want some stuff which is just for comfort, you will eat it. I have never gone that far as overcomingovereating suggests and carried around the stuff so I can immidiately have it, but the key ha sbeen to finally let myself believe I can always eat cake, or chocolate, or fruit, and will never restrict again. It was the key to weaken the binge and move out of th binge-bust cycle for me. Others have had their own way, we all come from different points and make different suggestions. The only common theme is - we have realised diets do not work and its the physiology, not willpower: hence not our fault!

And then we all have put together our strategies, which of course sometimes fail miserably and then we binge. The only way to stop binge is not to try to compensate the day after or week after - it is hard, but after an evening binge you need to get up and put that healthy breakfast into you.

Write as much as you want, we know you need it initially more than long-timers.

jassS · 06/02/2016 14:59

Margo, sorry for bad day. Luckily the zebra has always a white stripe after black one. You just need to step over the black one. Good thing is - you connect the physilogival issue of too little portion to the hunger next day. Exactly - currently, my most common binge cause is too little food in previous days. And of course as soon as I eat less, I weigh less next day and want this to continue - and there you have it. Luckily, I recognise the cycle and can therefore not feel threatened by the binge. i just say, silly me, of course I was starving, hence ate more now. All over, back to normal.

Sportswise - I think it is impossible to unlink sports and strive to perfect body in mainstream media, but it is important we do. We do not believe a shampoo will give us the lushy mane of the model in shampoo advert, why on eart should we believe if ppl tell some running and weight lifting makes us a fitness model. Yet we tend to! Ridiculously I also tend to, even if I know i am 46 and well beyond these aspirations even!

sleepwhenidie · 06/02/2016 16:47

I agree, it is very difficult to untangle the sports thing jass, and much more so when you actually enjoy the activity you do, as well as using it to make or keep your body looking a certain way. I think it takes time and finding the ability to be honest with yourself about your motivations. It's definitely a more advanced step with regard to stages of recovery. Feeling that you genuinely aren't restricting food any more is a big achievement, but if there is an element in your head of believing you can balance the absence of restriction with intense exercise then this is the next place to pay attention, because in that case you aren't truly letting go of restriction! So it's a bit like taking your second arm band off and trusting that you know how to swim! Grin

jassS · 06/02/2016 17:34

Exactly. My second arm band is off in the sense that I never run more than 3 times a week and often only 5km. Previously the shortest I bothered to do when I went out was 10. Also, when I managed to stop the calorie counter in my brain within a year, stopping to wear Polar watch and check calorie expenspditure took much longer.

It took a toll on my health, I am sure, even if I cannot spot how right now. But I am sure that advocating marathon running among wide populations is not such a good idea. An hour of gentle run is truly for everyone, but marathon? One of my best friends just stopped at 50 and decided he needs his joints for another three decades hopefully, so even if they feel alright now it is not a good idea to play with fate. He still does half ones, but less and less often now.of course, I had the additional curse of recurrent miscarriage to help me stop excessive running, but I think it was a wise change in BED context too.

FightingBed2014 · 06/02/2016 20:16

Margo I hope today has been a slightly better day for you. The motto sounds great BTW.

Wish how did the day go for you?

I have done a lot better today skipping my meds last night. Will take a half dose tonight and hope that keeps a balance until I can see my GP. It meant I achieved more in a day than the last week, even a proper food shop. For the first time in ages, I cooked myself a decent dinner. Being organised and tidying up the house feels good. I will hold the motto in mind with regards to keeping it going.x

OP posts:
jassS · 07/02/2016 20:07

Good for you, Fighting! I hope you cansome day come off the mds totally!

sleepwhenidie · 08/02/2016 22:25

Hi everyone how are you doing? Wish are you ok, still with us?Flowers

IronMaggie · 10/02/2016 01:05

Hello everyone - I missed a bit of a flurry of posts the other day. Hope everyone's had a good few days? And welcome wish, hope you stay a while!

Sleep, pleeease do run your workshops, they sound amazing. I only wish such a thing had been around when I was a teenager, things could have been so different!

Jass, I do agree - I did a half marathon a couple of years ago and decided super long distances just weren't for me. My toenails alone took months to recover from the trauma, so I'd hate to think what shape my joints were in afterwards.

I've had a rubbish couple of days with hardly any sleep, far too much work on, time of the month, DP away with work all week, a trip to A&E with DS (he's fine now!) and just generally feeling rubbish. I've been wondering whether ADs might help - it seems like most people here have tried them in the past? I got gently dissuaded by the GP last time I asked but I think I will persevere. Feeling like I do now certainly isn't sustainable. If there's one positive thing to note it's that I haven't restricted my intake at all, I'm still having breakfast every day - normally that's the first thing to go when things get chaotic.

My school friend also sent me a message asking if we'd like to do a joint family holiday this summer - I've been putting off planning anything because I'm dreading the anxiety of beaches / swimming etc, but I will have to soon!

Does anyone have fun half-term activities planned? It would be nice to have something to look forward to...

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 11/02/2016 09:35

Hello

Maggie sounds like a difficult week. Flowers Glad DS is ok. Well done for having breakfast - a 'small' thing that makes a big difference. Be proud. Star

How much does your PMS have on your mood/mental health? Mine is really bad, my feelings about running away are at their strongest during the run up. I cried a lot yesterday including on the tube. Blush

However, if you feel you need extra help (AD) them maybe you do...? Worth listerning to your instinct. Will DH be supportive?

Jass I love your comment about the fact shampoo doesn't magically create a full glossy mane!! So true.

Depressingly on one day I heard/read:

  • About a new 'craze' for contouring the back of your neck, so it looks slimmer (obviously only to those that can see it!) - wtf!
  • UK plastic surgery procedures are up. 90% are women. Before I started recovery that would have passed over my head. But that is 46,000 women who feel they aren't good enough as they are & with a tiny group of men. Obv people have the right to do as they wish with their bodies, but I cannot help thinking that media images of faked a lot of the time perfection have played a part in some on those women's decisions...

Inspired by posts on MN about Bullet Journalling (a fancy to do system in a pretty note book) I am trying to work out a new system for myself. Organisation is a big part of me but most of it sits in my head. I am hopeful that by noting it down my mind will be less manic. I have started already with work stuff and it feels good.

I like the fact that people keep a note of personal goals like drinking water. Work is so overwelming most of the time that everything else just gets squeezed in. I like the idea of making it 'life outside work' a priority.

I do need to be careful about perfectionist tendancies around the book/what it looks like. However, I watched some youtube vids with people sharing their books and one admitted she was a perfectionist and showed how to cover up mistakes etc.

Half-term - working a bit and then have days out planned when I am not. I am kicking it off by taking 4 DC (Ds's mate & sis) to a fancy dress disco. We bought DD a Elsa costume (the purple, black & green outfit before she runs away - for any frozen fans) and she looks so cute. She wanted to wear it for bed!! It is going to be sugar fulled madness!

How are you doing fighting & wish and anyone else who is lurking?

anotherguiltymum · 14/02/2016 14:24

Hi all, I've been reading this thread and am in tears at the computer. I've been on the phone to my beautiful DD, she was sobbing and described herself as horrendous. I've thought she had BED for a while, I found empty wrappers etc and she was gaining weight despite apparently eating little.

She went to Uni and gained weight (no idea how much but a stone or so) in the first term and just seems to despise herself. She is a high achiever, gorgeous, clever and talented and I hate to see her like this. I e-mailed a counsellor for advice but of course it has to come from my DD. I had my own problems with food (bingeing and purging) but exercise and low carbing have got them under control but of course my rigid attitude to food and need to be slim have obviously scarred her.

She used to ask me to control the food, so I was the food police in many ways. After I found about the bingeing I reversed this, tried to make food enjoyable, bought endless books etc. I just worry that made things worse as it's more controlling/need to heal stuff from me

I fear I am the horrible parental voice that pp have mentioned.

Sorry that was so long, I'm lost.

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 14/02/2016 17:03

Oh another sorry to hear of your DD's struggles & yours too. Flowers

I can only speak for myself, but rationally I know my parent's behviour was/is driven by love.

BED has only been recognised in the past few years. You and 90% of the population have been taught to believe that diets/restricting work.

The potentially 'good' thing is if your DD seeks help sooner and later she won't have years of the ED behaviours to fight against.

Can you talk to her about BED do you think? Are you able to talk yo her about your struggles.

Is she happy at Uni? She sounds just like me. A couple of stone heavier and miserable. I left as I found the pressure to perform well & to fit in too much. It hasn't done me any harm.

Beat, the charity have resources esp for younger people.

We are all sufferers.

sleepwhenidie · 14/02/2016 17:04

another Flowers, please don't beat yourself up. The accepted basis of eating disorders (and that is what your DD is struggling with), is that 'genetics loads the gun and environment pulls the trigger'. Yes, as her mum you are a big part of DD's environment but there are other factors too. And you also need to remember that you too are a product of your environment. All of which means you shouldn't blame yourself and you also need to focus on the fact that everything you did was what you believed was best for DD. It came from a place of love, which isn't, sadly, always the case. So you need to try and forgive yourself for anything you wish you did or didn't to, move forward with how you can help her now Flowers. That may just be letting her know how much you love her, regardless of anything else and that if/when you can do anything practical to help and support her, you'll be there. She does have to get there in her own time though...