Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

[FightingBed2014]

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

MrsCK, welcome and your doc is right - you must not diet!
I think quite some of us here have dieted us heavier than we were before the first diet. It just is as it is, that we can not change. People who are very overweight sometimes find that they start losing weight when they get out of the diet mindset. People who are not overweight do not start losing weight when they stop dieting, they may even end up gaining some until settling, but the settlng element will come. We can not say whether the settling happens at higher level because of previous diets or because that is how one was meant to be (but kept fighting with the diets).

Both options are disappointment in this sense that we have our ideas of how we want to be, and mostly we never achieve it. It is a runnish thing to accept, much more difficult than accepting you will not become th world's richest person or whatever. Thing is, we are told daily bu society that our weight is something only we can conteol, very often the only thing we can control. Mind you, it is a lie!

i wouild like therapy! But the rigid french understanding of things says that if not obese I can not have BED. If I were inderweght I could get therapy obviously as well, but at normal weight I am just told to get on with it. And I have not found any private option here who does not talk to me about the importance of having a balanced diet and what one might look like. Hell, I know all about balanced diets and what is healthy, plus I have worked so hard to stop the calorie counter in my head I installed there at age 24 or thereabouts, more than 20 years ago. French option is always just to "pay attention", i.e. Eat one croissant in the morning, a cesar salad for lunch and meat/fish with veg in the eveneing, with portion sizes ridiculously small. No one gets the concept of BED, that I know what I should eat but is simply not always able to do what is best for me. Many french smoke, despite knowing it is unhealthy, so they should get it, but they do not:-)

Enough of complaining, I have to be my own therapist and check in here. Even if for weeks there is no activity and then suddenly lots goes on!

Fighting, heaven knows how your realtioship finally turns out but I hope when you once look back at the solution you will be happy it went as it did. I hope you will have true happiness somewhere in the future......even if it is in being alone.

Hope all are doing relatively well!

Quite jass, BED is not something I associate with the French way of eating / living. I've often wished I could be a bit more French in every way! :)

Oh Fighting, I don't really balance it all, that's one of my problems. It is self-inflicted but it feels like there's always something that I'm not doing. Maybe that's just a normal part of parenthood, it's hard to know. My DP is supportive but he recently got a job that involves lots of travel so things might start to unravel soon.

I have been thinking about whether doing less competitive sport might be healthier for me, but it's kind of part of my identity so I might feel lost without it - I'm still not sure.

That's fantastic that things are going so well at home, and you're managing things amicably - I know what you mean about having your own space though, I'm always a teeny tiny bit pleased when DP's away because it means being able to stretch out a bit :) Hair and make up DO make a difference don't they? Last week I got out a dress that I'd been saving for a special occasion and wore it to work and it felt great!

It would be so nice if we started posting more often, I've really missed this thread!!

I also just got a newsletter (I'm signed up to all sorts) that I thought might be helpful, on the subject of recovery from BED / bulimia, from a lady called Ali Kerr:

**

One thing I discovered quite late on in my recovery was the idea that measuring recovery progress was not about the number of consecutive days I’d gone without a binge.

Turns out it’s actually hugely significant because when you stop using day counting as your only means of measuring progress you really start to become aware of the other ways that you’re healing.

You start to understand how to praise yourself even when you haven’t had a “perfect” day or week.

I’m mentioning this because I want you to know that even if you do find yourself relapsing sometimes, it doesn’t mean you have failed and it doesn’t mean that your progress in recovery has stopped.

So although it can be very upsetting at the time, I want you to know that relapse is a normal part of the journey and as long as you make a promise to yourself to learn from any relapses you are going to be just fine.

Now the BIG question is, what does real recovery look like?

It can be really helpful to have an idea of what recovery looks like so you are better prepared and know what to expect (but bear in mind, no two recoveries look the same!)

Here are some pointers to help:

• Real recovery is a gradual reduction in your binge frequency, intensity and duration over time.

• Real recovery is slowly reducing the number of binges you have each week, it’s not promising yourself to never binge again.

• Real recovery is to have some weeks which are tougher than others, but having the wisdom to see the BIGGER picture and to realize you are still making progress.

• Real recovery is not about wanting a quick fix but realizing it takes time for your body to heal.

• Real recovery is about doing the best you can and realizing you are human. You NEVER HAVE TO BE and NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE perfect.

• Real recovery is having some days when you are super motivated and others when you are less so. It’s also having the wisdom to realize that this is normal; there is nothing wrong with this.

• Real recovery is a journey of rediscovering who you are when you are free from the pain of bulimia.

• Real recovery will have unexpected challenges, new insights, twists and turns, fantastic discoveries, fears to be confronted, beliefs to be questioned and much more.

• Real recovery is the best gift you will ever give yourself in your life.

Iron, for me giving up on competitive running has been important part of recovery. I stopped enjoying it, it felt compulsive and a waste of time. I still do a couple of half-marathons a year, but at much slower tempo and just to keep me jogging all through the year.

On the other hand, I still miss it somedays. I have gained lots more free time in the week ro read etc., I walk instead of running and can simply swim, bike, skate or rollerskate.

I figured it out myself at one point that the intensity of binges as duration goes first, and the frequency of bingeing seems to persist. It still does, but i eat far less in any episode, and i have not had an episode of hurting my belly with food for half a year now I think. Also, a two-day episode is very rare nowadays.....I have stopped thinking it gets any better from here, but from your list I see I need to refocuse on next steps:-)

Glad to have found this thread. Will take a look at the recommended books: one I like is Gillian someone's "eat less" although haven't managed to do much of what she recommends!

My issue began in my early teens when I was home alone with my sibling after school and we'd get in and just eat, eat, eat! (They have food issues too!) triggers include work stress (when I work from home I get a stressful email and am straight to the fridge), and evenings once DC are in bed, when I'm usually alone and can hide the evidence because DH works late.

Jass, imagine it is especially hard being around the French approach to food! Which seems pretty restrictive. Am sure there are others struggling too. Your new approach to exercise sounds fun!

I now really enjoy exercise, am not at all sporty or athletic but did an improvers' adult swimming class and walk outdoors and stuff. Really helps my MH.

Hi ladies, hope your day's are going OK. I have both DC at home today, DC1 is unwell. We had the cutest nap together in my bed. I fell asleep watching them cuddled up😍.

JassS its really interesting to read that you feel better for doing less running, it seems you have a more balanced approach to exercise now. I can imagine being surrounded by the unsympathetic responses and approach must feel very isolating for you at times.

Hopefully Maggie I will be able to post more often. Last year I kept myself insanely busy, I needed to but it wasn't sustainable. I like my nights at home again, rather than looking for any excuse to get out.

Thanks for sharing the list, always good to have new resources.x

Hi Duckdeamon, (like the name) glad you found us too.x

Marking place after finding link on another thread. Will read and say hello properly soon.

Hello!

Happy February too late for NY!

Great to read your updates, wonderful to see you back fighting and welcome to new posters.

Interesting to read that post Maggie about not measuring success by days between binges. I do 'see' the other improvements but it is hard not to resort to success by numbers!

Okish here. Have started seeing a local ED threapist to try to continue the work. It has been helpful. She focuses very much on eating a balance, excercise & enough sleep. Managing the middle one!

Have kept going with pump classes and exercise. Managing 3 times a week which is a big change for me. Have found 2 other pump teachers that don't yak on about calories non-stop which is good.

Interesting to read about stopping heavy exercise. I have decided not to enter any more 'challenges'. I have entered but not ended up doing (due to injury) 3 challenges (eg walking marathon) over the past 3 years. I find it so stressful. It feels good and different to make a rule that works in my favour/is kind to me etc.

Have had a few relationship issues (DM & a friend) but have spoken out, so feel that is a step forward.

Work remains an issue. I have had my most successful month in Jan, but at a price. I worked really long hours last week and now I am ill with the lurgy (day 4 ). It feels like karma!

I am seeing a business coach too (I love a paid supporter!) to try to find a way to make working for myself, work. It has been 5 years this month. I want to find a way of getting more balance.

Duck - I started in teenage years and late night night is my 'danger time'. I have Gillan's book & did the course, but didn't find it useful. However, this thread shows that different people find help in different places.

fighting a "happy family" can be more than M & D + 2.4 kids in one home etc. I was in a meeting last week when we were talking about the evolving nature of what a "family" is.

Hi Margo, and welcome Duck and Kinky!

It is hard to not try to quantify recovery - I know I've definitely done it by coming on here with my pronouncements of 'one week binge free' etc, like with the AA chips (which I've only ever seen in movies). Probably not particularly helpful to anyone, in hindsight! But more recently I've felt sooo much more confident that I really am on the path to recovery - it means I don't panic too much about the odd off-day. :)

And I haven't counted calories recently either so it's hard to say definitively, but I definitely feel like the severity of binges is improving. I used to tot them up post-binge so I'd know it was X thousand calories etc, but I haven't done that for a while.

So that's all partly positive. I'm still working on eating more at meal times (5-6 per day), rather than the diet-y portions I sometimes resort to. And in my last session with the ED therapist, she suggested I try to eat a 'normal' balanced diet, rather than aiming to uber-healthy 100% of the time - she also recommended I eat chocolate, which for me is currently a binge-only food. I've never worked out how to just eat a little at a time, so it's easiest if I just don't buy it.

I also have a different routine that I think makes me less likely to over-eat in the late evening - I've stopped watching television on school nights, as it just sucks time away. That means I have a leisurely sit-down dinner with a pot of herbal tea afterwards, which acts as a 'full-stop' for the day. It seems to work most days, apart from when I'm stressed /busy / tired and start snatching at stuff ad infinitum. Sitting down for a full meal seems to drastically reduce the likelihood that I'll binge later on.

The other trigger that I haven't cracked yet is a very specific one - it's when I get home from work. Some days if the DCs have had an early dinner they clamour for snacks once I get home from work, so I might head to the kitchen to make them some toast / get some fruit. I invariably will have whatever they're having, regardless of whether it's a meal time or not. Not quite sure how to resolve that one, but I'll keep trying.

Margo, congrats on having and getting through a busy January - hope the balance and sleep come more easily in Feb! I need a bit of that too! And hope you feel better soon...

Hello everyone .. I am a binge eater and I am happy to have found your group
I am 40 this year so now is the time to face it once and for all

Maggie TV free time sounds good. I downloaded a learn French podcast earlier, thinking it would be good to use my time more wisely. We have Sky, Netflicks etc but so often I struggle to find something to watch....

Also, don't feel bad about updates you have posted on here. It is great to hear everyone's updates, even if things don't work out. It is part of the 'journey'.

Hello chocolate - me too. Were you on the recent 40 this year thread? I am trying to focus on feeling better (in that I am addressing my BED, my long held secret, well in someways) rather than what I look like on my bday . I have so much to be grateful in terms of my life, but BED casts a shadow. :(

Hello everyone - great to see some activity here!

Fighting I have thought about you often in the last few months, I'm so happy to see you back and hear how you are doing.

To any of you who have been here a while and having moments of questioning how much progress you've made, please go find your first few posts here. I think you will be at how far you have come .

Maggie on the competing, I don't know how many of the IPE podcasts you listened to (iirc you posted the link to them?) There were two there with runners. One had a sister who died of anorexia and the call was centred on body image. When Marc asked her about running the long distances she did, it was obvious that this was when she felt truly alive and happy, he told her not to let go of it. Another lady, chronic dieter, struggling to lose weight despite doing all the 'right' things described her relationship with running as ' love hate' - this was running as penance for food, as a way of attempting to control her body size - he advised her to switch to something else. It an be a very difficult distinction to make for yourself, what your reasons for exercising the way you do are. Jass has reached her realisation I think. I'd suggest you keep questioning yours to find the right path. One good question to ask is how you would feel if you were told you couldn't run (or whatever) ever again. Would you immediately feel sad because you love it, or panicky about the effect on your weight?

MrsM , great to hear you have good support in place! And I love that you are sticking with the body pump. How's it feeling?

Welcome newbies

Hi ladies, great seeing the thread busy again & always good to have new people find us.

Thanks for the support Margo, I am getting used to us being a '2016 family' as someone recently said to me. We both agree we want to stay best friends and do family stuff together, it works, I just don't know if the marriage will work again. I think we're doing it as best we can and keeping the kids a priority, they cope pretty well.

Its so good that you are carrying on your therapy, your determination really shows.

Maggie I can definitely relate to what you say is a hard time around the kids with food. Although I don't binge and eat regular as a habit now, what I eat doesn't help me. That's my next area of focus too.

Spiders & Kinky welcome, hopefully you feel at home with us.

Sleep its good to 'see' you too. It feels good to be back on here regularly, particularly with the end of my therapy looming. I can't imagine a relapse with binges but keeping strong emotionally / continuing my work with regulation is making me little nervous.

I was thinking, for us long time posters we are going into our third year chatting . As Sleep said we have come a very long way in that time!x

Hello Sleep! I'm very happy you're here :) How have things been with you?

Thank you for your comment - yes, I have Marc's voice in the back of my head as I try to work this all out. Both of those stories sound familiar, I listened to / watched most of his interviews.

My dilemma is that I really do enjoy my sprint training - as you said, the thought that I'd never set foot on a track again makes me very sad. I also really enjoy the strength work and feel I'm learning and getting stronger all the time. The downside is when you add other people - the people I train / compete with are a bit younger and super body conscious, and the comparisons are inevitable. Although I might look like them from the outside, I have moments when I don't feel like I belong there. And because my weight does fluctuate (no idea by how much, that's just what it feels like to me), I have the constant anxiety of being super self conscious of what I wear and how I look. It's just a lot to deal with sometimes.

So I thought that just jogging non-competitively, and gentle exercising (yoga etc) at home is the kind of thing I could do on my own and never really have to come in contact with other people. I actually should try and work more yoga into my week, but given the choice I generally do higher-intensity stuff. Hopefully the way forward will come clearer as the binges calm down...?

Fighting you've made such amazing progress over the last few months, I'm really pleased for you! Have you talked to the therapist about what to do when the sessions come to an end? Are there any techniques they've suggested?

And hello Spiders - stick with us! Hopefully some of the ladies here can help.

Margo, how is your French going? I intermittently vow to improve my schoolgirl French but have done very little about it. I did a couple of A-levels in languages all those years ago, neither of which I speak at all now - such a shame...

For anyone who hasn't seen them, Sleep posted a link to the Institute for the Psychology of Eating a while ago - the founder Marc David is so insightful about disordered eating - I'd definitely recommend reading / listening / watching everything he does!

psychologyofeating.com/ipe-blog/

Eek Fighting - three years, what a thought! My first binge was in mid-September 2013. I know because I was counting calories religiously at the time, and that's where there's a huge uptick in my graph :)

Things are good with me thanks Maggie - I have a small but regular handful of lovely clients now and they seem to be very happy with our work together which I find incredibly satisfying and exciting. I am also working up the courage to start running body image workshops, something I trained for shortly before Christmas and feel passionately about. I think they are amazing. They were devised by a clinical psychologist in the US (Dr Melody Moore) who has extensive experience of working with ED's. Embodylove if anyone is interested - they also partner with Proud2BMe - a great body positive facebook page to follow.

I remember Fighting and I were so worried about you when you first joined the thread Maggie, you were so, so resistant to the idea of stopping restricting and in despair. You've made incredible progress! I think you should follow your instincts with the competing, now may be too soon to let it go but you might reach a point where you realise what is the right choice for you, the balance - can you let go of making comparisons? If not, at what point is it preventing you from fully enjoying the process of training and competing or hindering your recovery to the extent you need to step away? I do think that making yoga as 'valid' an exercise session as the other stuff in your mind, and fitting some in, would be a good thing too . You could of course experiment with, say, a month of just yoga and jogging and see how you feel. The sky won't fall in, you can go back to the other training if you want to .

I've been fat my entire life (or so it feels). Looking back, I can see now, that as a kid I was just plump/curvy (not much heavier than my friends at age 13/14), but enough to be constantly ridiculed for it. I hate the way that I am. My self esteem is non-existent. I don't have any friends; I try, but it's always me doing the running, and if I don't, I never hear from them. I've ruined my relationship with food. I can't just eat one biscuit; I have to have 10.

Four years ago, with help, and because of so many health issues (chronic pain, rheumatoid arthritis, osteoarthritis, spondylithesis, sleep apnea, etc) I finally managed to lose about 100 lbs over the course of about 2 years. At first it was great and I wasn't tempted to binge, but the voice never goes away and we never even attempted to deal with the reasons for my excess weight (emotional overeater), so I guess it just lay dormant.

Sounds great, doesn't it?! Only, I don't feel any better about myself, actually I feel worse; now I have loads of excess skin that spreads out when I sit down so I still look as big as I was and to top it all off, my health has actually worsened in some respects (apparently, I don't have enough fat to cushion the joints anymore so my pain levels have increased).
Worst of all though, I can't enjoy eating out anymore and there are so many things that I can't eat as it causes pain and discomfort. I'm still labelled as obese and I still get judged by others for my size and asked why "I don't just do something about it and lose weight".

It just never ends and so the cycle has started up again and despite the pain it causes me I'm finding myself bingeing again and I've gained 2 stone over 6-8 months. I'm so lonely and unhappy and I eat to fill that void. I can't afford counselling. I want to stop but I don't know how. I hate myself and I hate feeling constantly ill. My stomach hurts when I overeat even slightly but I can't seem to stop. It quietens the voice inside my head for a while which I think is why I do it. I just want the willpower to stop again.

My worst times are between 3pm and 6pm when the children are home from school. I just can't seen to stop picking. I eat and drink almost constantly. Then I struggle to eat dinner and then I'm constantly snacking again between 8-9pm and however long I'm up (often past 2am). I berate myself constantly between snacks, and I feel such a failure for being unable to resist, so I snack again. I feel addicted to food and I don't know how to fix it. I managed it once for those 3 and a bit years ( 2 losing ,1 and a bit maintaining) so why can't I do it again?! It all just reinforces how useless and worthless I am.

wish - you sound so sad. Can I ask how you lost the weight? And what do you eat generally, or avoid because it makes you feel ill? Is there a time when you tend to binge? When do you feel best? And what else is going on - do you have a partner, kids, job, any interests?

Ha! Cross posted and you answered one of my questions . What would you typically eat through the day, before the DC's get home?

And you are not useless or worthless. Nor are you addicted to food - that's a bit like being addicted to oxygen . It's a controversial topic but I am open to the idea that some people have a compulsive, addictive response to certain foods, but not to food in general.

I had a gastric bypass after seeing a dietician who said that I'd done so many dangerous/fad diets over the last 25 years that I'd completely ruined my metabolism and would never be able to eat normally. I can't eat pasta or spicy food (which I love), and I also can't eat creamy things. I can't eat a massive amount in one go (compared to pre-op), but I'm eating so much that it hurts like hell for hours and I carry on regardless. I just wish I could disappear.

My children are 11 and 13; both girls.

My weaknesses are crisps, biscuits, bread, most carbs really. I make my own sourdough bread now which doesn't have the same effect on me ( I find it impossible to eat more than a slice or 2). Chocolate also can be, but not too the same extent as sometimes I can have it in the house for months and not touch it.

Sometimes I feel okay about myself and then I'll see my reflection and realise how awful I look. Although I'm not as big as I was, I feel that I am and that I look just as bad, especially because of all the extra skin I now have.
I have a partner that I love but I seem determined to sabotage it. He is good to me and a fantastic dad, but I keep trying to ruin it. I struggle every day to not just get in my car and drive away for good.

Typically, I try to drink tea constantly so that I don't have the room for food, but I'm also managing to eat about 3 bags of crisps, half a packet of biscuits, some toast. Then I'll try to eat dinner and feel so sick that I might hardly touch it (although I often eat so quickly it's mostly gone before I realise). I spend the next few hours in agony worth my stomach. Then late evening I feel so bad that I didn't manage to be good that I start snacking again. I know our probably doesn't sound a lot, but for what I've had done it is. So then I hate myself for letting everyone down and ruining the chance I was given to be normal. I know if I carry on that I could damage my stomach but I can't seem to stop.