Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

[FightingBed2014]

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

Hello Tree , welcome. Have a read through the thread and, if possible, the previous ones and see what, if anything resonates for you. Come and tell us more about yourself as soon as you want to!

Lou how did it go with your friend?

Margo thanks for asking about the tennis! It came to an abrupt halt after I injured my wrist boxing too hard . Very attractive black and blue inner arm for a fortnight. I could really only swim and then DS2 finished school for the summer and was ill so I had a very challenging month as I find not being able to exercise when I want (most days!) difficult. It was a good exercise in patience and going with the flow for me . On holiday now. Sorry to hear about you getting upset recently but I have to say it sounds like it may have been a little breakthrough with feeling feelings and genuinely letting go of the control a little?

Thank you Sleep. That's nice of you :-)

Welcome tree, hopefully you have found a place you can feel comfortable with us all.

Sleep your arm sounds rather painful! Glad your on holiday and can recoup a bit.

Lou another one hoping you are ok too, thinking of you.

Welcome Tree, it is a great thing to reach out and speak about your troubles. The more I write here the more open about my excessive nervous bED I am to my husband, too. But still never speak to any of my friends about it. Probably would never do. I drop hints like "I just can not stop eating once I start", but since all women tell that, it does not give the message interestingly. no one thinks its serious.

JassS I have opened up to a few friends and family. Interestingly I have found a lot of them forget about it, I guess its just not in the forefront of their minds like us.

I have had a hard time lately and binges didn't occur. Instead I had the opposite, not feeling very hungry led to a small weight loss. Of course my head decided I could improve on that and lose more. I have recognised what I'm doing and know that it will undo all my work to stop binges. I have made a concerted effort to eat properly and regularly. Being able to do that is still progress I guess. So far today has been much more balanced with eating. Another reminder that this issue is well ingrained in how I respond to situations.

Yesterday I made the decision to stop going to Slimming World-it was sending me into a binge-purge cycle. I'd eat 'non-diet' foods because I'm stressed, then worry about putting weight on, so make myself sick to try and undo the damage. I'm aiming to be a bit kinder to myself, try not to worry if I put on a bit, and try to figure out why I binge. At the moment I'm going through a divorce so it's a stressful time, but I need to figure out why eating junk makes me feel better.

Thank you for checking up on me everyone - I am not meeting up with my friend for another 2 weeks ... I typically start worrying about things well in advance to have the maximum stress time! I am dreading it and keep having nightmares about how awkward it will be ... But then I am trying to rationalise and think - what's the worse that could happen? I'll spend 12 hours with someone who's skinnier than me. So what? I spend lots of time with skinny people without feeling like this. What's the big deal?
I think some of it goes back to the fact that the last couple of times we met up (we see each other rarely, about once a year, as she lives overseas), I was far thinner than I am now. I feel like she will think I have 'let myself go' or 'failed'. I am incredibly conscious of eating issues around her. Last time I went to visit her for a couple of days, I binged from arriving at the airport all the way home, as a reaction to feeling restricted around her. I am determined to resist that restrict-then-rebel cycle this time.
I still haven't figured out how to deal with her diet talk. I quit what'sapp recently after she messaged me one day saying 'do you ever feel totally off your food and like you don't want to eat?' I felt it was such a leading question, and was in any case so foreign to my experience, that I just didn't want to engage.
Ah well, another fortnight to ponder all this before I really have to face her!!! I am resisting the (strong) temptation to do two 'lose 7lbs in 7 days' diets back to back. I will not restrict at this point as I know where it would lead ...

Gast well done on recognising how SW is affecting you . You are bound to be suffering from the stress involved with your divorce. Give some thought to what else could provide you with comfort and distraction/release from stress. Not necessarily always instead of food (food can be a comfort and that is normal, don't make it 'wrong') but an alternative?

Lou don't succumb ! It's interesting that the behaviours/characteristics that we most dislike are the ones we react to disproportionately in others. This may be what is going on with you and your friend? If anything you should feel sympathy (internally ) for her because it sounds like she is totally immersed in that diet mentality. When you worry about her opinion of your weight you are essentially attempting to control the uncontrollable - other people's thoughts. You are never going to please everyone all of the time, so stop trying. Come back to the reasons why you love/respect the people you do - is your love and respect affected by their appearance?

Sorry-should have read 'the characteristics we most dislike in ourselves'

Lou sorry to hear this friendship brings so much anxiety for you regarding BED. It does sound like she is stuck in a different way to you and a hard situation to be in. Could you write an email to her, one that is never sent, just to have a frank conversation about how you feel?x

Gast, sorry to hear about your situation. Have you got much RL support?x

Fighting that is an interesting idea ... I am just mentally composing that e-mail in my head now, and it's all about my feelings really ... I think fundamentally I am sick to death with jealousy of her; I am jealous of her ability to lose so much weight, to pick a diet and stick to it, to not be tempted by food as I am. I also feel incredibly inadequate around her, as if being with someone else who is managing to restrict (and in quite a severe way), makes me feel like I have no will-power or desire to change my own situation. I have a very strong desire for change, but it has been misdirected so repeatedly, I have no faith in myself any more.
We have known each other for a long time, and maybe we are stuck in teenage mindsets of jealousy/competitiveness from when we first knew each other? That and previously (ashamed to say this) the fact that she was bigger than me made me feel more 'ok' about my own shape; just as the fact that she is now slimmer than me makes me feel more disgusted by my current weight, and want to change it. But I know I can't do this right now, if ever again ...

Lou I'm so sorry this upcoming visit is causing you so much stress. I can't help but wonder if at the end of the day you would be better off cancelling. As you say, this is someone you rarely see anyway, who lives far away from you, and who seems to at best unsettle you, at worst to make you feel terrible. When you have been doing so well, why jeopardise your progress and put yourself through this? Have a think about what a friend is/should be - a true friend is someone whose company you should enjoy, someone you feel validated and supported by, someone who makes you feel better about yourself, not worse... I'm just really concerned that the level of anxiety you're experiencing might have a really detrimental impact on your wellbeing, and trigger behaviours which you are working so hard to overcome.

Margo my heart goes out to you re. your "hitting rock bottom" post. (Apologies, I'm only just catching up with recent posts.) I have had days like that too - probably most of us on this thread have - and the turmoil you were experiencing will strike a chord with many BED sufferers. Sometimes the feelings of helplessness, guilt and shame can be overwhelming, and the need to put on a normal, "everything's fine" face to the world just makes it more exhausting. I have learned, though, that rarely are things that bad 2 days in a row, so I take comfort and reassurance from telling myself on a bad day that tomorrow is going to be better, a new day and all that... And more often than not...it is.

runner I agree with your questions regarding Lou's friend. It may well be that this isn't a healthy relationship. You are completely within your right, should you wish to Lou, to not continue the friendship. It may feel bad after so many years but you need to do what is right for you. Some friends are for life and others occasionally no longer fit as we get older, just part of life.

Margo, how are you doing now?

Thank you so much for your thoughts runner and Fighting - I fully agree with your definition of what a friend should be, runner, but the trouble is, according to that definition I don't really have any 'true friends' at all. I am always happier alone than with other people and the thought of meeting up with anyone (DH's friends, mums of DC's friends) in any context frequently makes me feel very anxious about people judging me.
I find it very, very difficult to make friends and over the past couple of years as I have felt worse about myself, I have cut contact with old friends from school/uni, and said to myself - if they really want to be friends, they'll make an effort to stay in touch with me (I hope this doesn't sound manipulative, it wasn't meant to be, I was just becoming increasingly stressed as a result of being in contact with people, largely due to my bad habit of comparing my circumstances with theirs).
Oddly, this friend that I am going to meet up with in a couple of weeks is one of the very few people who has bothered to stay in touch and ask about meeting up. So I just felt I really should ... I know, it's a 'should' thing!! I dithered for ages about whether I was going to go - last July I made an excuse not to meet up with her and another mutual friend as I was conscious of weight gain, and more recently a few weeks ago I made an excuse to avoid another friend too. I suppose part of me does feel that if I go on like this I will end up totally isolated ...
Fighting you are right that some friends are not for life, but if I followed that course I would end up with no friends at all, and at the moment I am not in a position to make them ... I just feel so anxious and insecure about myself.
I think in a way I had maybe being kidding myself that getting rid of the binges made things 'alright', and contemplating this meet-up makes me realise just how far from 'alright' I feel in general, with my weight, my body, myself.

Lou - how do you feel about sharing the truth with your friend, about your struggles and the situation with your sister?

Aaaaaagh! Eek, sleep that makes me want to panic and run a mile! I haven't really shared the truth with anyone, other than on here, and with a counsellor. I feel like I would be making myself very vulnerable, with not much to gain, really ...
She is very unhappy in her marriage at the moment, I know, so we may talk about that as I also have relationship issues. But as to weight, I don't know if I could talk about bingeing and feelings of self-disgust with someone who has so successfully lost lots of weight, and kept it off. I may be wrong of course (I noted previously when you mentioned about trying to control other people's thoughts being impossible, and I have to try and accept that), but I feel like she would see my solution as being finding the 'right' diet that will allow me to lose, and not feel hungry / deprived / likely to binge. That was the case for her. And I know that's not the solution for me right now. I don't think I could take the pity!!!
I know, it may be symptomatic of my warped view of the world to feel that it's more acceptable to talk about marriage issues, or indeed mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, than about a (perceived?) failure to lose weight ... but that's how I feel at the moment.

I though that would be your response! Very normal of course, but, give the idea a bit of thought. It's really hard making yourself vulnerable but there are, contrary to what you say about little gain, potentially big rewards - a feeling of really being 'seen', accepted and loved for what you are for example, rather than for the image you believe you represent to others. That can be incredibly healing and pretty transformative when it comes to self esteem. This is also when you experience true friendship/love, when there is depth and truth...there's no judgement - do you judge your sister for being anorexic? I think you may realise that you are judging yourself far, far more harshly than anyone else is judging you - that would also be a step forward for you.

For all you know, she hasn't found the right diet at all and actually has more in common with you than you think. If she really doesn't understand, she may well suggest a diet but that's fairly easy to shut down with an explanation that you feel you have started on the path to recovery and diets are the express opposite of what you need? It doesn't have to be a huge conversation about it all.

Of course all this does depend on your relationship and the person in question, only you can make the judgement, but as I said, just ponder it .

Unexpected get-out clause for the dreaded meet-up has arisen in the shape of a job interview on the afternoon of the same day, at the time when I was meant to be on the train down to London to meet my friend! That'll teach me to buy non-refundable advance train tickets with Virgin Trains
I am torn however as I had applied for several jobs and the one I really want doesn't close until this Thursday, so the interview won't be for a while ... I may have some difficult decisions to make.
Feels good to have an opportunity though!
I feel bad as I may well have to make excuses to my friend and I'm a bit worried about her reaction ... And about losing the train ticket. Grrrr!!

Hi Dolly welcome

I'd try your GP. Also a few of us have found the Fairburn book helpful. There is a link on the OP. Am on app which doesn't work with links.

I recognise the "failing" at WW and not understanding why.

Lou friend aside I wouldn't turn down a job int. They are always good practice etc. Appreciate it isn't ideal due to friend....but think work needs to come first.

sleep sorry to hear about yr arm injury - what a pain - literally...

Runner thanks for the empathy. I have actually felt a little better since I hit the "bottom". I think I realise I cannot fill my head with food/weight thoughts all day, it is so draining.

My Dr was very supportive and refered me straight away.

I know from the NHS group I was part of that those with an average body weight struggled more to get help.

The CBT group (based on Fairburn) was good but it is a long process, recovery. Which is depressing in itself, but I figured it was worth a go as nothing else had worked.

Can you identify why you binge? Understanding that is a step forward.