Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

[FightingBed2014]

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

Hi ladies, lots of different struggles this week. I'm sure I read somewhere that we are genetically programmed to need a few extra calories when approaching our periods. It certainly seems common.

Maggie, you are doing amazingly. I'm not sure it is a huge set back in the grand scheme of things for you lately. JassS has some great comments on how binges will creep up even when we are way into a different mind set. The wedding and all its worries (that I'd expect it may induce) sound a reasonable trigger. Try not to hang onto any feelings of failure or frustration. I do hope you are able to enjoy the day.

JassS I don't know whether binges can be completely overcome or not yet either. Part of my mind thinks that what would be classed as a binge in the past, would actually be just a rare occasion of over eating that a person without an ED would have. The other part thinks the ED will always be a part of me and need 'putting in it's place' now and then.

Either way I am continuing to make sure I eat 3 meals and snacks a day. Days like today I could have easily not done it, so it was one where I had to think about why I'm doing it. Yesterday was the first time in a while where I felt a binge take over for sometime, my biggest trigger was at play. I recognised what was happening and called someone to talk it out and it faded.x

Lou seeing your posts from earlier in the week was lovely. Are you feeling relief at all with the change in approach? Your progress is really great and hopefully you have given yourself some time to appreciate all you have achieved so far.

Cassie I tend to take the approach that people who are so vocally against c-sections are either seriously lacking in the education of childbirth or not worth the listening time (likely both). As we know when faced with the emergency it isn't a choice. I had one too and they only discovered in theatre that DC was never coming out naturally.

I'm sorry you had to listen to your colleagues comments, My retort in mind would be "It must be really hard for you, I mean going through life judging people on things you obviously aren't educated in must really take balls. Has anyone ever slapped you with comments like that?" x

Her mum is A bloody health visitor. A retired one so obv been doing it years.

I heard you burn 500 calories extra per day at some point during periods. No idea if it is before or during.

Cassie, ppl who judge others because they had an emergency cesarian or even an elective one, are just without any empathy towards other ppl. Yes, it is true that there are more and more cesarians in western world, but there are also more and more occasions of infertility or miscarriage, prob. due to our lifestyle/chemicals/ppl havong babies later. So, everyone has to do the best for them - I have given birth 4 times without any painkillers (first time they were not available, later was prepared enough to not use them). and yet if I had another one I would go for elective cesarian. because I have miscarried more than 10 times since my last child was born, and if I ever got to the late pg stage again, I would just feel I want a safer option. My last birth was tricky, and I feel it somehow contributes to my miscarriages. i would be too worried about baby during the birth process and would not relax enough to have VB, I am afraid. My business, nobldy else's.

cassie - is your boss a first-time mum?

I think I have learnt with parenting whatever 'choice' you make - bf, ff, dummy, no dummy, cloth nappies, disposables - can be seen as a 'comment/judgment' on others ppls choices.

Try not to feel judged we all do our best. Could you break down what you felt about it? Was the binge linked?

I think there is far too much focus on 'natural birth' etc. Medicine has advanced - lets benefit from it. There are few areas of health were ppl would be encouraged to seek less medical help...Obv my own views.

I agree with jass I doubt BED will ever truely leave me but a big reduction in binging should be seen as a success/nearly recovered.

Maggie - this isn't the end, just a blip. Sorry it might have impacted on a special day. You 'just' need to get back on the horse as it were.. The important thing is the 5 weeks you didn't binge, not the 1 day you did...

Elin we talked about PMS in my CBT group yest. The conclusion we came to is that try to anticipate when the difficult time will be but also acknowledge that maybe there will be cravings & overating but if it is once a month does it matter?

Am ok here. Last CBT group session yest. It has been helpful. I am looking forward to get my Fri am's back though and taking DD swimming.

Eating has been ok. Been focused on 'reducing binging not the scales' and it has helped.

Lou you sounded like a different person in yr post. Hope you are continuing to find Fairburn helpful? Well done.

fighting well done for avoiding the binge - good to get the feelings out not eating them etc.

Hope your weekends are going ok..

Hi - thank you for your messages supporting me. I feel frantic and could eat the bakery during pmt time. I am not worrying too much about the weight gain it's just the way I feel so urgent "must have it now, and I want limitless supplies", always carbs too.

I can't scroll up to remember if it was caddie who received comments re: Caesarian. I have no doubt the lady in question, who made the comments would be mortified if she knew what you had been through. Is she a first time mum (I think someone else asked this?) but sounded like it. people say things with judgement all the time and please don't feel I'm dismissing it, but it's their ignorance and I don't mean that in an unkind way. We sat at a dinner party and one lady announced how brilliant we all were for not planning to have more kids over forty (I'm nearly there and she grouped me in that so I must be looking older! ) and I knew one lady there had been trying for. A baby and lost it. It was horrendous, ans the lady announcing how great it was we to not have more kids had no idea the implications of what she was saying and I know if she had she would have never such a statement. It sounds like you had such a rough time Casssie- my heart goes out to you. It must have been hard thinking about all again. Often I feel really angry when someone sis something flippant that is hurtful - I often binge after that anger has subsided but often it's because I feel upset about something I didn't realise still hurts.

Well today is a new day. One pack of bagels, copious chocolates, bowls of porridge and one whole loaf of rye bread was consumed over the past few days! But now I feel oddly excited at the thought of moving on, seeing if I can help myself, be kinder to myself , gain the support I need (this last paragraph is perhaps expressing how selfish i am feeling but I also wanted to share my hippy feelings). I make myself feel a bit nauseous with trying to treat myself with self love but the thought of getting healthy to not be slim, to not be anything physically different but to feel better to be kinder feels great.

I think a problem I have been struggling with I have been having three meals but choosing what I want has been chocolate, bread, more chocolate and more bread and some pizza. Which is great but healthy eating has gone out the window. So I'm struggling having no rules ... But like sleep said we need the healthy stuff too x

Margo thanks for posting, interesting you were discussing pmt eating. It was useful, just think "well once a month isn't the end of the world" although I think I eat more than 500kcals.... Whoops. Oh well.

I have a skinny friend who says she eats a pack of biscuits at time of month and just says "who cares"! X

Am at a weird stage, I feel like ... Food is fading as a preoccupation. Binges are gone, so far, though am very aware they could come back at times of stress/pressure as others have said. I have been left with a legacy of a tendency to overeat, a lack of awareness of portion control/fullness. Maybe this will change with time? Also I have become so much more aware of feeling that previously would have been disguised/hidden by food or dealt with by bingeing e.g. fatigue, irritability, low self-esteem etc. I think sleep said low-level depression. I still over-evaluate myself based on weight and shape and I think that is far harder to cure. I feel isolated and friendless here but there are old friends I won't see due to weight gain. How messed up is that?!
I think there is so much ambivalence around feelings towards women's bodies. I am proud of my body for having given birth to 2 DC but those deliveries busted my pelvic floor (warn your boss Cassie!) which is a source of continual self-disgust and I struggle with it every exercise session.
Just to say though in the grand scheme of things you have to go with the choice that is right for you. My DC are now 7 and 4 and no one gives a damn how I birthed, fed or nappies them - these are replaced with other things like how good they are at phonics/swimming lessons. Basically it's kinder to steer away from competitive parenting in every arena because parenting is bloody hard work and the adults should stick together and support each other not undermine each others choices!! Cassie my message to your boss would be: "birth is difficult, parenting is even harder; everyone struggles - so just be kind".

Running Lou great post. Parenting is hard and I am so with you, we all need to help one another.

Ps I'm also with you with low level depression, I feel very fatigued, irritable and flat when not eating. You're not alone and I know you know this but your great friends couldn't give two hoots of you have gained weight, true friends care about their friend's health but wouldn't judge. X

You guys are all so wonderful

She is a first time mum. She's my school year but older. She's very ahead of me in careers and has a perfect life set up. (Although as we all know, everyone has problems. Some just hide them better). She has done really well for herself. I haven't. Sometimes my bitterness makes it hard to be around her. I did make a joke that she may have to be cut open elsewhere when she said about not wanting to be cut open. It's a difficult conversation to have with a pregnant lady. I feel no need to tell them of my birth experience. It will only set fear in and I simply say I had to have an emergency section but even if that happens to them, not to worry.

I remember when I went back to work, talking about birth. She was adamant that if you breathed through birth and focused your mind/energy on getting the baby out. She'd never been pregnant or had a baby. I basically had to say to her 'look, I've done it and you haven't. It's not as you say'.

Jass, I'm so sorry for your many losses. You must be a very strong person to go through all that and still be positive! Unmumsnetty hugs for you

Saturday and Sunday are eat what you want days. I had a large mixed grill for lunch, washed down with a bottle of wine and dark fruit cider. And we ordered fries and a mega super pizza deal (20 inches) for tea. I didn't even touch the pizza. Had two slices this morning. Gave DP the rest. We walked to collect my car and took the dog for a walk. Did approx 7000 steps. Then we've bought share bags of minstrels, magic stars, pinball sand skittles and a large aero. I've eaten a lot but there's no binge or furious eating etc. maybe this is because I'm so full from yesterday or because I'm allowing myself!

People who crow over others/are smug have missed the point of what life's about. It's not like it's a game with points and a natural birth is +10 while a section is -5 FFS!! Anyone who enjoys feeling superior has such a simplistic/arrogant way of seeing things. Obviously you can have heartfelt beliefs about what's best but at critical points life/circumstances take over so it's best to build in an element of flexibility.
I think a lot of recovery from EDs is about challenging negative thoughts and also confronting black and white/all or nothing/success or failure thinking. There is so much of it out there and we absorb it so easily.
One of the things I find/found strange in the Fairburn book is the leap from getting eating under control to problem-solving ... So he's saying that it's not really eating that's the issue, but an inability to deal with stressful situations/problems constructively? This does ring true for me but I have yet to put it into practice.
Feel drained and frumpy today not helped by DS while watching Mamma Mia saying 'Mama you look like her' - I hoped he meant Amanda Seyfried (sp?) but no, it was Meryl Streep!! Feel like I've aged about 25 years!!

I wouldn't worry about kids comparing you to TV personalities they see. Who knows what they are seeing in personality too rather than just physical? My DC said DGM looked like Dolly Parton. She's a reserved church goer who couldn't be less like her. Some old guy with a beard was pointed out yesterday as a family member in their early twenties and no beard?!
Meryl is quite a fun character in the film and full of life run with that Lou .

Lou I think the putting into practice is 80% wanting to change things and 20% practice. You most definitely doing the trying part and very well too.

Carrie I'm glad you are feeling supported here.

Maggie how are you feeling as the weekend comes to a close?

Margo how are you feeling having completed your course? It has been hugely inspirational to have you share it with us, thank you.

Elfin your comments about friends are so true. I think it gets a bit easier to see this as we get older. Working to get better has made me raise my standards for what I will tolerate in friends. My circle is smaller and far happier now.

sleep how are you doing?

Fighting I want a Dolly Parton-like Granny! I have to say I'd take that as a compliment! I find Dolly amazing.

Interesting a few of us have jumped to a negative take on kids seeing a 'likeness'. They could see something positive 'A nice smile like Meryl' etc.

DD points to a lady in her 60s on a poster at nursery and says "Mama"... but maybe I should see it as a positive she is looking for me elsewhere.

Lou do you do pelvic floor/core exercises? I imagine running puts more strain on.

It does feel like a daily reminder of the strain my weight puts on my body.

I have had "internal physio" , it helped a bit. There are also operation if you cannot be helped. Maybe look into it?

I won't share my birth consequence as bit much for MN but suffice to say I'll never feel my age again lol. I've yet to meet a mum who doesn't have some issue with pelvic floor after birth, I think it's only talked about in small intimate friendships. It's part of life and is not something to be ashamed of.x

My lady parts are almost falling out too!But after 4 children it seems almost inevitable. Well,cwhen i go to my figure skating practice I need to seriously concentrate when jumping! i have considered operation, but since I want another baby I thought i willdo this when I hit the menopause:-)

Good Lou that you have a better outlook nowand the binge is in remission. of course it can rise its ugly head any day, maybe even without much warnong, but you know now how to kill it again.

My youngest son is always insisting I am beautiful, I think he must really think otherwise and is trying to convince himself that he has a besutiful mum! I am older than many other mothers of his friends, so he has to see I am not quite the same anymore....

"One of the things I find/found strange in the Fairburn book is the leap from getting eating under control to problem-solving ... So he's saying that it's not really eating that's the issue, but an inability to deal with stressful situations/problems constructively? This does ring true for me but I have yet to put it into practice. "

Ditto, I don't cope with things well at all, but to be honest I don't know many people who do, when you get to know people, even some of the most seemingly resilient, they also struggle. Doctors, preachers, mums, step mums, directors, teachers, investment bankers, - all people I know who struggle and manage those feelings in different ways and not always helpful ways; excessive exercise, alcohol, moodiness. I don't know about you as a group but I find that I can be very extreme in terms of my emotional response when not coping, especially if hormones are rife. I can think it's the end of the world in the moment, or if someone does something unfair or hurtful, I'm like an anxious child, it will play over and over in my head, even if I think logically, it doesn't concern a great friend or I am aware I will have forgotten about it in a year. I also find I can't cope if i make a mistake, I then presume I'm just rubbish. I'm aware I do that - yet still do it.

What has helped recently is I am not so black and white with food, I am definitely thinking I haven't "blown it" as it were. I am however, really struggling with just overeating, some foods, like I mentioned I will overeat, bread, cake, cereals are to name a few. Dark chocolate I also love and overeat- I liked a previous posters advice to just buy it now and then and have as much as I want then go back to "normal" . We went for a picnic yesterday, and my heart was beating rapidly; there was chocolate fudge cake (from Waitrose I would like to add), french bread, rye bread, freshly baked loaves, bagels, all the cheeses, salmon - a beautiful spread. If I"m honest I can eat the cheese, salad, crab etc and appreciate the food, I eat it slowly and enjoy it, but with the bread I was like a woman possessed. I won't admit how much I had but I don't want a little bit, I wants loads of it. I felt sick afterwards. What frustrates me, i wasn't stressed, I haven't been restricting (as a teenager I had a phase of just eating a loaf of white bread each day and nothing else!!). I just have hedonistic tendencies, I definitely binge eat in response to stress but this wasn't a stressful situation. So again I'm really struggling with the Fairborn theory that allowing all foods, I will be seriously obese if i continue like this. I am not talking mild overeating, I won't get bored of it... I am not stressing about it at this stage but I have to be mindful about this.

At the same time I am also majorly struggling with stressful situations I won't share on here, I'm hoping to seek advice elsewhere, but I find it hard when I feel resentful or frustrated and I'm at home surrounded by food that I just want to hide and numb myself with. This will be the toughest bit too crack.

Again venting, and mean to be lurking but thank you for posting this thread fighting. Your support has been amazing too.

Running Lou - pelvic floor, I hear you! you are not alone, trust me! My physic said running makes it worse, but I still run... You are not disgusting! x

Elfin thank you for the kind message. Reading how you are finding yourself eating but can't recognise the moment as a stress time is difficult, you must feel frustrated at times.

For me I discovered that I had so much going on under the surface, it came out at random times when I wasn't thinking about it, kind of like a box with too much in and I'd been squeezing the lid on for years, it was inevitable it was going to ping off.

Now the majority of my triggers are in the open I rarely binge at all. I keep on top of it with counselling once a week and will probably continue for years.

That said, it doesn't mean we are all the same. As Maggie found, taking some of Fairburn and then the Moon book (sorry forgot its name) has been a better approach for her. Would looking at some other resources help at all? There's no hard and fast rule to get to grips with ED, you just need to find what works for you.x

JassS, your son won't see your age (I think that more our eyes) he will genuinely see his beautiful loving mum. I think the smiles and sparkle in their eye when they talk to us is the truest emotions. We have little voices that niggle and fool us into thinking others are pretending to make us feel better, when actually they genuinely love us and see a totally different view. Just in the way we see our children, word aren't enough for that feeling. I guess we need to have faith in their beliefs.x

Hello everyone, sorry I've been absent, I have been keeping up with the thread though and its great to see how much support and helpful advice the older and not so much older hands are giving more recent posters . I'm coming back again to post but just quickly...

I think our children genuinely believe we are the most beautiful person in the world and we really should try and preserve that for as long as possible (however deluded we may think they are ) - we should avoid criticising our looks/body generally but especially in front of them, I think as soon as we start doing that, they start questioning their belief system and also look at themselves differently, beginning that cycle of self-criticism . If you can say something positive about your body then that is great, but if not, best to say nothing at all IMO!

Pelvic floors - definitely a universal affliction, I am 'healthy' BMI and have issues when I skip or trampoline (I don't run), and I had a conversation with a teeny tiny yoga instructor recently when she was shocked by the after effects of childbirth, no one is immune and it isn't disgusting!

Elfin I have shared it before (so sorry if you have seen it) but this overview of unhelpful thinking styles esp in regards to EDs really reflects what you are saying about black & white thinking.

We tend to think in black & white when actually there is a lots of in-between/grey areas.

And as Cassie is saying everyone has difficult times, it can be easy to think that everyone without EDs have a rosy life which is not true.

The springing open box image fighting is very powerful. That is one of the very strong themes of my CBT group - people not being willing to voice their issues (not generally in the group setting but in life).

It is my DD's bday today. I feel the best gift I can give her is trying to recover. I dearly don't want to pass on my issues to her. I am much further along to recovery than I was this year, so that is something to be proud of.

I have realised how critical my own DM is of her body since I started all of this. I hadn't really thought that before. It is really sad. I think she probably suffers in the same way to be honest. I try to say nothing about mine in my house in general.

Hope you have all had good Mondays.

i luckily never tell anything negative in front of my kids about my body, as both kids still at home are boys, Imight have said things in front of my daughter, now 26, and I see the body pefectionism in her I had as well. So far, She has no binge issues, but neither did I at 26, I was at the top of the world, eating not very much and judging everyone by their weight.... i am ashamed now if I think about it now...

I struggle also with the suggestion that there have to be other issues you mask with overeating and bingeing. i do not buy into it. My life is almost perfect,my job is in principle stressful but I master it well and enjoy it, I have good kids and even if i have been unsuccessful in getting the fifth, I accept I have a lot I have wanted. OVerall, I guess my stress level is on the low side. I am happy, apart from the worries of binges. ANd more and more it only bothers me because I fesr I may have ruined my gut with the years of bingeing.
But I still binge occasionally and my relations with food are to close, to concentrated. i ammore of the overcomingovereating school which associates the binge with long ingrown diet habit. i dietes my body into the binge mode, andmy brain too. neither can completely realise I amnot going to restrict ever again, And if I happen to eat less than normal due to having a busy day/week, my body and brain just panic and binge happens. if I lose accidentally some weight,same panic ... I attribute my BED to diet history,but recognise others may have the masking issues. I just think it is sometimes simpler - a big eater by nature, obsessed with diets- that enough to develop BED...

Something you posted made me think, Fighting, it can be such a change to make, in terms of body image/looks, if we try and view ourselves as if through the eyes of those who love us, our children, our best friends, our lovers/husbands. Particularly if doing mirror work, this can facilitate a huge shift in mindset.