Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

[FightingBed2014]

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

I love sushi, would rather have that than a sandwich.

The estate agents

Cassie, what happens when the diet stops? Have a look back and count how many diets you have ever been on, did they stop you getting to where you are now?

Genuine happiness isn't going to come with a clothes label. It will be temporary and at some point it will all have to start again. Do you really want to be on this cycle for the rest of your life or would you rather have the happy feeling (with some changes and work) for real and keeps?

I see. Ok, I am not on a diet. I call it a diet out of habit. This is a lifestyle change. I am attempting (kind of well) to stop the binging, to become a healthy weight and to have a healthy attitude.

When I reach my goal weight (a long way in the future due to my eating sensibly rather than crash diets) I will still eat healthily etc.

I agree I've been on a million 'diets'. These are not good.

What's different this time? Before posting on this thread I realised two things.

1. I have a series issue with food. This is a problem. It is not simple overeating or enjoyable consumption.

2. I am unhealthily big. I have put on a lot of weight due to this and I need to lose it. I cannot carry on this way. It is affecting my relationship with myself and DP.

My goals are to develop a healthy attitude to food and become a weight I am actually happy and healthy with rather than seeing what I want to see.

I don't think this is a bad idea?

What makes me concerned (I see Sleep was too) is that the pattern is evolving from diets we have all done and never able to break. That's going by what you have posted about eating. This may not be how it is and feel free to disagree.

At the moment your focus seems to be on weight loss and that isn't really going to help you deal with the causes of why the eating occurs, Inevitably it will take over again.

For those of us with eating disorders, we cannot diet. Even renaming it a lifestyle change is still approaching a very difficult area with an all nothing approach. It simply goes round in a negative cycle.

I absolutely understand the wanting to change body shape for health reasons, I too am not in the right category but dealing with why I do it has meant for the first time since I was a child of 10 my weight has maintained for more than 12 months. The stress we put our bodies under by going down then up plus more and then down again isn't good.

I hope this comes across in the right way, its meant as gentle nudge to get you to see that perhaps the restrictions are still ruling your choices.

We can't make you do anything but you can see from the thread myself, Margo, JassS and Maggie have ditched the diet mentality, its not easy and yes very scary but we all found on the other side it was OK. We are heading where we wanted to be all along but the diets were empty promises that actually made us worse. I weigh less now than when I started and I barely binge now but don't restrict either. Food has really lost it's comfort factor and it was worth the difficult process to get that alone.

My weight only ever fluctuates in a 5kg range. About 3kg if precise. It bloody annoys me.

I feel like if I do that, I am giving up on losing weight and I don't feel able to do that. Probably out of habit as I am always trying to lose. I don't know where I'd be without moaning about not being able to eat something and then eating twenty of them anyway

Cassie I felt exactly as you did. I am v overweight I want to be smaller for health reasons more than vanity....I have a small DD and I am desperate for her not to have a fat mum - I come from a long line of them...:(

It is a very scary thing giving up the idea of dieting as we and society send many messages about this - 'thinner is healthier, better, a hallmark of success/acceptance' etc...

But after years and years of trying to diet I have come to accept that I have an Eating Disorder, not a lack of willpower and so for me (and lots of us here) a diet sadly won't work. In fact the deprivation and self loathing (every time I weighed and realised I wasn't any smaller) were only making me feel worse.

I reach for food to deal with my feelings (lack of self-esteem, childhood issues, perfectionist) it really has very little with the food. It is just my drug of choice.

I found there were two main first steps:

1. Accepting myself as I am now - which is SO difficult as mentioned above we are conditioned to thinking we are not good enough as we are. However, fighting & sleep both helped me to realise that failing at dieting was only making me miserable and full of self-loathing. And like you, for all the thinking about & trying to lose weight it wasn't happening - I just went up and down a bit.

2. Trying to understand why one reaches for the food. This is difficult and takes time, which is frustrating when you want to become smaller.

At first I was just aware of a feeling (like a fist clenching inside of me) before I binged. But over time I have started to work out what causes the clenched feeling. It is can sometimes be one, or a couple of things. Now I try to mentally address the thoughts, maybe write a quick entry about them in the Rise Up app. I also try to use distraction whilst waiting for the clenching feeling to pass.

I would encourage you to buy and read the Dr Fairburn book (2nd edition). I found it was like reading about me. It will help you to understand you are not alone - as this thread hopefully does - but it also provides a programme to follow which is about stabilising your eating.

Like fighting I don't want to come across as harsh/pushy but I was exactly where you were this time last year.

A year on I am not smaller (but I have also not ballooned any bigger, as I worried I might if I ditched the dieting ideals) but I am much happier. I am much more kind to myself, I am more comfortable with who I am and I am starting to feel that I deserve to be happy and that I am an OK person.

And importantly I have had weeks were I have not binged. After 25 years of it, I never thought that possible. I believe I will become smaller once I have sorted out my eating.

Could you think about taking a break from the dieting for a couple of months to try another way?

Cassie, all the ladies here have been where you are - focused on weight loss. And most of us have had success with it at some point. And then regained. usually indeed the same 3-5 kilos. Each time the low is somewhat higher snd the high somewhat higher thsn previous level when the binge finally stopped.
Even non-diet weight loss can trigger a relapse - I had a few days leading up to it when I knew binge is around the corner and it was here yesterday. A serious one. it consisted after what I reported here (and felt full after eating) of at least 1,5 kg of strawberries, cherries, apricots. Then about 60 grams of chocoloate, several pieces of bread, a fried egg, two buns. Some white wine. Then the day ended, not the binge. But I feel hopeful today as I have not reverted to restricting to compensate for yesterday. I had good salad for breakfast and some strawberries with my coffee.

I have not dieted, I have resettled towards my normal weight set point after mc. But even realising that I had resettled made for a binge. As if my body decided it was still a diet, even if I ate all I wanted (apart sugar/fluten, not too strictly but for health reasons). maybe the no sugar, no gluten made me more vulnerable to fall into this pit again.

But I feel I have the tools to overcome yesterday. I know the best way to do it is to ignore the binge, ignore what I am eating and ignore the whole food issue. Eat what I want, and forget there might be any issues with food. ITs the only way.

Cassie, you tell your relations with DH are affected by tour weight. is he hoping you will lose a lot? there might be an issue there somewhere, of course we want to please the loved ones but he probably does not get BED at all. he may be very supportive etc., but still helping you to stay on diet-fall of the diet cycle. All we tell here may not talk to you very much, but if you research online and think more about it, maybe at one day it will. When you have "bad" days, recoginse they are bad because there are also "good" ones and good equals weight loss. but it should not. it should equal being happy. happiness must not depend on what we ate (only). ....

Hey Cassie, the others have summed up the theory about how diets and diet mentality affect bingeing.

Something else that has been touched on through the threads is trying to identify what bingeing/dieting provides us with - because it does give us something, for some reason, it's not simply an affliction that we are burdened with.

I think your comment 'I don't know where I'd be without...(dieting/food/body to think about constantly') is really important and worth giving some thought to. Another way of looking at it - if you were your perfect weight and guaranteed to stay there, what would your life look like?

On the subject of body acceptance - I love this woman's work - watch the trailer (warning - it made me cry).

body image movement

Thanks sleep, that is a brilliant link to share. It was a very moving video!x

thanks, Sleep! The link was useful. I happened ro watxh tonight a 20 y old TV show from my native country. What terrible objectification of womenon that show, on state TV! You would not see anything like that thankfully nowadays. If we come from that background, no wonder we are messed as we are! I certainly know my career was helped very much by having these perfect, supermodel looks (and brain, I need to add hastily). i worked in sales and really (then) masculine telecom sector, it seriously mattered, even if I was never told it did. i now realise only how much it did and hope it is different for my daughter! need to ask her though.....

A follow-up on my yesterday's binge: I had the resolve of no restriction today, no dwelling on what I might have gained etc. I know one day of binge does not cause weight gain, only some uncomfortable feelongs next day.

So I did breakfast. late one, 9.30. had a reception at work w lots of food at 16.00. before that I did a walk of 100 minutes, brisk, roughly 9 km I guess. arrived at the recetion with a permission to eat all I want. very important! then found I did prefer vitello tonnato, salad and some good cheese to all the other italian delicacies on offer. gelato was served - i rushed to get last pieces of cheese from table. because that was what I felt I liked.

in the evening I ate about a kilo of strawberries snd calmy watched Tv news (no urge to rebinge, honestly, no fight with myself). Grabbed a glass of red wine and came off the sofa upstairs to write you this.

Moral: sometimes it is good to let the binge wash over you when it is coming. Just never look back, never restrict and things fall into place. it starts out with taking months to overcome the binge, then goes down to weeks, then days and in my case is seriously down to one day. yes, I still hurt my body yesterday by bingeing, but it happened. it was bad, I have not done it so bad since christmas I think - and it hurts my intestines for couple fo days still - but it is better than the guilty closed cycle of dieting, then binge. it works, albeit not perfectly. but life is not perfect anyway.

i felt this one coming, was on the brik several days, distracted myself,cbut eventually the wave caught me. but it did not matter, after all. i did not continue overdoing it fordays while planning the next diet!

Will watch that link tonight or tomorrow sleep

Jass, km? Where are you? That sounds like a very good walk. Very nice I had a small binge today. Basically, what you did. I just let it happen.

I had my peanut butter on toast with banana but also 2 strips of a large aero. I thought they were 30 calories per square (4 squares each so 120) imagine my delight when I read they are 78. So I had two more strips as soon as I got to work. I've had a fair few starburst/opal fruit but not many. I decided against a chocolate flapjack. They are in a cupboard at work. I have them there for emergency days when I forget food or sonething. Because I have to share with the office and pay £1 each time I am fairly restrained. When I got home I wasn't too hungry but ate sweet chilli chicken and veg (again, heavenly) for tea. DP spent most of the time upstairs so I secretly but very happily allowed myself 2 peanut butter sandwiches. So many calories and I felt a bit sick after but I love them. Then I went to the shop and got more starburst from the car. I put them in my pocket and forgot about them until just now. That just doesn't happen usually.

Jass, you say your intestines hurt after? Is this normal for everyone? I have severe aches all the way down but only really that day or a few hours.

Sorry... Another essay!

Also, thanks for not patronising me in your previous posts guys. You're all great

I do have indeed indigestion issues,after a really horrible binge.On walking, I just walked around the city of Luxembourg where I work and live temporarily.

did I readright about your exercise - you run for half a mile at a time? if that is true, I wanted to suggest maybe alternate walk/run so you get 30 minutes of continuous exercise, it will have more health benefits than a very short running episode. I noticed this I think yesterday, but had no time to react on that. or did I get that wrong?

Oooh Luxembourg. How wonderful!

Ha! I assure you it is running that is very mixed with walking. I have no idea how far it is, that's a complete guess based on the1.2 mile long walk I sometimes do on my dinner feeling about twice as long!

cassie, distance is not at all important. Time spent at it is. Try to move at least 30 min, then prolong until you get to an hour. you may walk, jog or crawl, it is the element of spending at least 30 min at it what is important:-))) Distance-wise, I guess in 30 minutes with really slow jog/brisk walk, you should be able to cover about 3,5km. Sorry I cannot think in miles too well:-)))

If my maths is correct (it rarely is) 3.5 km is the 1.2 miles or there abouts that I do on my 30 minute dinner. I haven't done it since last summer finished. I can't be bothered.

I'm lucky that I do a lot of walking with work. I think 3.8 miles was average and then my 1.2 mile walk. 15k steps. If I remember, I'll set it up tomorrow

How's everyone been doing today anyway?

Just been reading more about the Body Image Movement. I thought this might make some of you smile

I Shat My Pants

Love Taryn! Thanks for the links sleep & fighting. It is interesting how real she is versus the Kardashian photoshop pic...

Well done Jass for moving on from the binge.

Bit wobbly here. A couple of big binges which is disappointing as it has a while since that scale. I have come on which usually impacts.

Have penultimate CBT group and I am anxious about the weighing. Once it has finished I will give the scales a break. sleeps comment The scales rarely give the 'right' number really resonated with me

Feeling anxious about not having found a new outfit (yes first world prob) for my girly weekend away. Bought lots of stuff but not happy with any of it.

Need to work on feeling better about myself by tomorrow pm! Felt quite happy & confident last weekend.

On a positive note I am really enjoying pilates at my new gym. Am going to try to get to a cardio class next week too.

How are you all?

Fighting, I snorted with laughter at that story, she's so great. The world really needs more people like Taryn at the moment, honestly.

I'm having a good day so far - took a day off work as no childcare today, and it's actually gone really well. My DCs behaviour can be very challenging normally, but think DP must have bribed them before he left this morning as they've been absolutely adorable today - it makes such a difference.

Aww Margo, have you been told what happens when the group sessions are over? Is there any sort of program you'll follow, or continued support? And would you keep in touch with anyone in the group? It's been so fantastic having you all to lean on virtually, I can imagine having a RL group could really help?

I'm sure you'll feel (and look) great on your weekend away - what a treat! I have a wedding coming up next weekend and am also feeling like I have nothing quite right to wear. My plan is to get my nails done beforehand and focus on those looking nice :)

Cassie are you consciously counting calories, or is that just a reflex? I find myself doing it mentally as a hangover from my dieting days, but for the last few weeks I've been making bowls of porridge without weighing the oats first, which I think is progress.

I still tot up my meals over the course of the day, to gauge whether I've overeaten or not - I'm not sure whether that's 'normal' behaviour or not though?? And I was feeling a bit exhausted so took a few days off exercising, which I'd have struggled to do before, without feelings of guilt and anxiety over it. Overall I know I'm in a much better place, but still don't want to become complacent about it - I definitely still need to work at recovering fully, if that's possible.

And I don't think I've talked much about the gastro-intestinal after-effects of binges here - TMI! - but for me they were always very very painful and very anti-social. And I knew it was coming yet still continued to eat 5K+ calories in a single sitting - that's where a lot of the self-loathing came from, the fact that I was consciously doing that to myself.

Maggie glad that you mentioned Brain Over Binge recently. I found it extremely helpful when I read it a while ago.
It was a completely fresh way for me to look at BED, and made so much sense as I'd struggled for quite a long time going to Overeaters Anonymous off and on since the mid 1980s.
It changed my thinking about BED and although it wasn't an instant 'cure' for me, it helped a lot.

Also, just wanted to comment on this :

"And I don't think I've talked much about the gastro-intestinal after-effects of binges here - TMI! - but for me they were always very very painful and very anti-social. And I knew it was coming yet still continued to eat 5K+ calories in a single sitting - that's where a lot of the self-loathing came from, the fact that I was consciously doing that to myself."

I thought I was the only one who had GI after-effects following a binge . It is truly awful, painful and as you say anti-social. I even started have to arrange my social life - what little I have these days - around binges for this reason. Self-loathing follows very easily in these circumstances.

Hi Dusky, really good to hear from you - I hope things are still going well with counselling? Yes, things really clicked into place for me when I read Brain over Binge too - I devoured it in a day 4 weeks ago and haven't binged since. Perhaps her method works better for people who don't have strictly emotional triggers for their overeating? The upper / lower brain separation makes so much sense for me, as it did feel like the urges were coming from someone else - someone much more powerful than me.

I've definitely avoided social situations after a binge too, even events that had been planned for months. I once binged the night before a 5K race - I won't go into detail but the aftermath was one of the low points of my adult life

Hi
I was pointed in this direction by a kindly poster so I hope it's ok to jump right in with my story.

I think I'm an emotional eater, I eat when I'm bored, when I'm upset, when I'm stressed etc. I can't stop until whatever I'm eating is gone, be it a big bar of chocolate, a bag of cookies etc. I never binge on healthy stuff. I've often felt like making myself vomit when I've eaten too much but try to avoid that. Sometimes I eat until I feel physically sick, but even then I'm thinking of what to eat next. I recently lost 2 stone in weight but it's creeping back on.

I've bought a self help book but am hoping for some ideas on here too.

Hi gast, welcome to the thread.

As you have already noticed, we eat in this way to avoid dealing with our emotions. I would suggest having a look through the threads to get an idea of how we have helped each other. There are a lot of options, you just need to see which works for you.

Further up this thread is a post collating a lot of links to resources we have used so far.x

Maggie, great to hear the brain over binge has been so successful for you! How are you feeling about your progress?

Dusky good to see you.x

Thanks Fighting. I'll have a read when I'm a bit more awake. I just wanted to post my story to check I was in the right place.