Elfin, as already has been said, BED before recovery starts is exactly what you have - the feeling of being trapped, not knowing what to do: restrict or not restrict? It is damn scary to accept the not restricting bit. Very scary. because the first binges tend to go on for weeks whoch happen thereafter. But one day you will wake up and feel that craving for a tomato. Or an orange. Pls try to eat first what tou know is good, like breakfast of eggs or why not avocado/salmon - that is bthw my brekfast with salad leaves and some quinoa - and then eat all you want whatever tou crave at that stage. Try a couple of weeks - yes, probably you will gain some, but it is no big desl if it later on rids you of this obsession. Of course, we all atill struggle here. but reading your long post it is clear that not to the extent tha it was before recovery started to come in!
Pls honestly stop restrictions. - your body will only believe you that this is a case after many weeks, maybe months. But the urge to constantly binge goes quicke,r it did for me at least. Try overcomingovereating, by Jane Hirshman,if three meals a day and snacks only leave you dreaming of the next fix! I could not have done any of this three meals per day business at the height of my BED, no way. I needed total freedom, and still do - I can not journal, I can not rwteict myself to three meals a day. But I make sure I get at least three a day, so that restricting does not creep back in.
I do not know it helps, but I only gained I think about 5-6 kg before it sll eased up. i had already gained about 5 by the point I started non-restricting apporach, by yo-yo dieting. In fact 10, but 5 from BMI 18, i.e. first five I do not count as came from underweight territories. I was 25, I weighed only 55 kg (175cm), then lost the ability of successfully dieting, yo-yoed to 65 and have been hovering around 70-72 for several years now. Even woth several miscarriages and several prednisolone (steroid!) treatments to avoid mc, I have again after mc and stop of treatment resettled at my stable weight point. I wrote these numbers out so you can see I gained more from yo-yo and restrictions than from giving up restrictions! and the set point, even if it seems so horrible and when I started not restricting the idea I might end up permanently in the 70ies just made me cringe with pure fear, I have rationalised it now as being still within normal weight range. I compensate by keeping fit, as it is easier to do - again, something to do than something to avoid. It helps, even if I tend to get sports binges, too!
And about the childhood and endless amount of food you wanted even then- I am also one of those whose only psychological issue seems to be the obsessive need to be slim snd resulting BED - I am not eating any other withheld emotions etc., as far as I am aware. But, reading about your cookies I remember one pictur of me as an 8mo baby with horribly distended belly and my mother explained that I had just finished of 3 x200 mg of full fat cow milk, non-pastorized snd streight from a family farm (I do not judge her, 1970 and Soviet Union, cows milk for 8mo was regular, and I have no food allergies or lactose intolerance, so prob it did me nothing apart from giving me more fat cells than a baby with more restricted diet would have had). I grew out of my baby fat I think only because in 80ies, my teenage years, food restrictions in SU got really severe. In kindergarten I was still aplump child and I was put one year ahead my age group as the portions were bigger in the bigger kids' group and I was hungry in my own age group... No second servings in my kindergarten, you see. So, someof u sare just born with huge appetite and with societal ideals being so different BED is inevitable!