TTC with a donor continued

[Waiting2BAMummy]

Almost at 1000 posts so started a new thread

@KLO0224
@bitheby
@Overlyanxious
@Busybee143
@TimeIhadaNameChange

Sorry if I missed anyone

I couldn’t resist. I peed on it and it was negative! I feel a bit crampy too so maybe AF is on her way.

@KLO0224 I’m still keeping my fingers crossed. Those cheap ones aren’t always reliable

I did it with my second wee too, but I’ve been reading about the darkness of the lines on FRER should be darker than mine at 12dpo so think it’s probably going to go the same way as last month? Or maybe it’s just a evap line? My temperature has stayed high but as I’ve said before I don’t really understand temperature. Il attach my chart - if anyone could shed some light that would be great!
I’ve checked my cervix, it’s very soft but I can’t tell if it’s high or low as I’ve only checked it the last few days so have nothing to compare it to. I had a bit of cramping after checking it too. Currently in the bath overthinking 😂 I’m at work later so that will take my mind off it.

Forgot to attach chart 🙄

I've never done temping since I'm clueless but going up is good so that's looking promising. Fingers crossed.

I'm sitting in the car park outside my fertility appointment in tears. The nurse couldn't get blood and so tried in the back of my hand which was really painful, I flinched half way through and she pulled the needle out so I had to have the internal scan knowing that I'd have to have blood taken again at the end. I couldn't relax and the whole appointment was rubbish as a result.

To be honest, I've given up. I don't think I'm going to get pregnant. I've driven two hours to get here and have two hours drive to get home. I'm going to see if I can find somewhere to park where I can get some food and have a walk and try to clear my head.

@bitheby I’m sorry your appointment hasn’t gone as planned.
I always have to go to phlebotomy for my blood taken, I have baby veins that seem to collapse at the sight of a needle. Sometimes they have taken it from the back of my knee or my feet they are that bad.
Did the scan go ok? When do you get any results?

@KLO0224 I’m not sure about temps - but I think others temp.

@bitheby I’m sorry about your appointment. Please don’t lose hope. I know how you’re feeling though - every time something goes wrong I feel like it’s never going to happen.

I’m sorry your appointment didn’t get well @bitheby but hopefully the outcome of it will help you get your much longed for baby. I do understand your feelings of hopelessness but all the information your gathering from your tests is hopefully getting you one step closer. Try to keep the faith.

Your temps are still rising @KLO0224 if expect them to be dropping if AF was on its way. Remember the cheap sticks aren’t as sensitive as a FRER you’re not out until the witch arrives and I’ve told her she needs to leave you alone for the next nine months!!

Well I hope she listens to you @Waiting2BAMummy because she never listens to me lol! I’ve felt sick and had the poops this afternoon. I’m putting this down to anxiety over wanting to know one way or another!

Any updates?

I've been invited for my Covid vaccine next Thursday morning. My app reckons I'll ovulate on Wednesday which would be CD12 due to my short cycle last time. It's more likely that I'll ovulate on Thursday or Friday I reckon as there's no reason to expect another short cycle. So I was tentatively thinking of travelling after work on Thursday to meet the donor as I have Friday booked off work already.

Not sure now what to do. It's possible that I'll either have yukky vaccine side effects and an 8-10 hour round trip drive won't be advisable or even possible. It could even interfere with ovulation. I hate logistics at the best of times.

I was really low yesterday. Really felt like giving up on everything completely not just TTC. Just have to keen on going though eh.

You’re absolutely entitled to be fed up @bitheby this is HARD.

Hopefully your vaccine won’t interfere with ovulation and you won’t have side effects. Fingers crossed for you x

I think we all have days like this, it’s such a hard process both mentally and physically.
No updates from me, symptoms are raging though and it’s driving me insane. Did another cheap test today, BFN! My good tests have arrived but I’m going to wait til the weekend, I can’t deal with a negative, so going to see if AF comes. By Saturday I will be 17dpo if I can get there!

Fingers are so firmly crossed you I’ve lost all circulation @KLO0224!

I’m not holding much hope @Waiting2BAMummy. My boobs are so sore I can’t even grope them anymore, I’ve been getting nauseous from 1pm randomly! Back ache, crampy, niggling pains in stomach (like light AF cramps) crazy dreams.
My temp is still high and I’m an emotional wreck! Only the next few days will tell I suppose! I have picked extra shifts up at work to try and keep me busy and occupied 😂. How are you doing?

I know those things don't sound pleasant @KLO0224 but in the context of what we're all hoping for, they kinda do... Well done on holding out but none of us will judge you if you cave when the tests come. Got everything crossed.

I have my NHS fertility counselling appointment tomorrow. I need to ask her how independent she is. I suspect it's to assess whether I'm a suitable candidate for fertility treatment and not for me to pour out how shit I'm feeling about it all.

Oh I know, in the grand scheme of things they aren’t terrible symptoms. And they are definitely manageable I just hope it’s the real thing and not a cruel trick my body is playing on me!
Good luck for tomorrow, let us know how it goes won’t you!

They’re all positive symptoms @KLO0224 it feels so weird to be telling someone it’s good that they’re feeling crap 🤣

Good luck tomorrow @bitheby I think be honest about how hard this is only confirms how much you want it. That can’t be a bad thing, can it?

I do feel judged - I'm judging myself might be more accurate to say. I'm pushing mid forties, single, autistic and the nurse was asking me about how easy I'd found it to find a donor - literally just before she took my blood for the second time so I was really anxious - and I didn't know how open I could be so pretty much clammed up and said nothing. Obviously it's not the legal and legitimate route to have a donor conceived child but I haven't tried to hide it as it's a really relevant part of my fertility history.

I'm very down at the moment. It's a very autistic thing to have little phrases to say at times of stress and mine recently has been 'I hate myself' and then I try to convince myself that I don't. But I do blame myself for ending up in this mess.

@bitheby you need to be kinder to yourself. I know it’s easier said than done. Do you have any clinical support for your autism?
I support adults with LD and autism, albeit more towards the severe end of the spectrum but guilt and blame are a common feature in the majority of individuals I support. We use talking therapies and develop coping strategies to implement when they feel overwhelmed.
I hope today goes ok for you, I know you will be anxious but as @Waiting2BAMummy says I think honesty is the best policy, tell them about your anxieties, they are not there to judge.

I think I’m out, my temps have started dropping so I’m guessing that means AF is on her way. Another BFN cheap one step test this morning too... On to the next cycle! The chances of a 2021 baby are getting very slim 😂

The nurse could have been asking because it’s something she’s considering herself @bitheby. That said, it wasn’t professional and I understand why you felt judged in that situation. If she were taking the blood of a pregnant lady who had, had a one night stand would she be asking them how easy they found someone to have sex with??

As @KLO0224 days please try to be kinder to yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong and do NOT deserve to be judged for wanting the precious gift of motherhood. Your methods will never be understood, or approved of, by everyone but it’s not their journey and it’s frankly none of their business. Just remember we’re all on your journey here as are thousands of other women that’s why sites like co-parents and pride angel exist.

Wishing you luck for your appointment today, you’re stronger than you think 💪

I’m so sorry to hear that @KLO0224 even if you don’t have a baby in your arms this year you can have one very nearly cooked! How amazing to start the new year and then start a whole new life with your little bundle of joy.

Oh and you can stuff your face at Christmas and nobody will be able to tell if you gain a few pounds!! 😂😂

Aw yea that would be a good start to the new year!

How did you get on at your fertility counselling appointment @bitheby?

Hope you’re okay

Well it was a bit confusing. All the nurses I've spoken to so far have encouraged me to sign up for it as it's free on the NHS and certain things are mandatory - like the implications counselling if you have treatment with a donor.

So I wasn't sure whether this was counselling to help me with the general stress of the process or the mandatory counselling. And she didn't know either! She asked me what kind of counselling I'd been referred for. And then at the end she asked whether I would like to have some more sessions and I said yes and she said that as a self funding patient I would have to pay for them!

So very confusing.

I felt very defensive about the fact that I've been trying to conceive with a donor. She asked me how I'm protecting myself from STIs. Obviously pushed how much safer using a clinic would be.

I spent most of the session trying to justify my choices. She did say a couple of times that she wasn't judging me and that several women she's counselled have done the same. As I'm so worried about my age she did also say that I'm not the oldest woman she's spoken to by over a decade!

The one thing she mentioned that I've never considered is donor embryos. She said that often people have frozen embryos that they don't want to use but are willing to donate so that's something new to consider.

I've done barely any work today and am feeling useless and guilty about how bad at my job I am at the moment.