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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

Conception with asexual partner

166 replies

happybutsad · 01/05/2020 16:59

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a forum before but I'm not sure who else to ask - mumsnet always has such great answers.
My partner and I have a wonderfully happy relationship - nothing to complain about. The only 'unconventional' aspect is that we don't have sex. Sex was a tense issue at the beginning and eventually, after some very infrequent sex, a lot of fighting and blame, and much discussion, he admitted that he is asexual. We agreed that we love each other and didn't want to lose what we had for the sake of sex. I promised to be open with him if it every became too difficult for me to live without sex (I am not asexual).
That's just some background but not the actual problem... the issue is now we would like to start a family. We are both ready and excited at the prospect of raising a child together. However, sex is out of the question. At this point, the idea of sex seems unnatural for both of us as it hasn't been part of our relationship. We want our child to be conceived in joy - not during a sexual encounter that we both feel awkward and anxious in! Plus, there's no way we could achieve the frequency of sex needed to conceive a baby! In addition, we're in our late thirties and he's a heavy smoker so there's no guarantee that it would even be possible! We did have sex on or around my ovulation day several times, but it never came to anything.
We would like to approach a private fertility clinic so that we can discuss the possibility of artificial insemination (sorry if that isn't the proper term?), using his sperm. However, we haven't undergone any tests yet - we don't have anything to say it's medically necessary. It's a choice we're making because the 'traditional' route is not possible for us.
Has anyone done something similar with their partner? If we go to a private clinic asking to do this will they tell us to go away and try 'naturally' first? That is our fear.
Apologies for the long post and thank you in advance of any advice.

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 01/05/2020 17:05

I’m not an expert, but am in a same sex relationship where we will be using donor sperm. As far as I know you don’t need to involve a clinic, he can deposit his sperm and you can use a syringe to inseminate yourself, will be much easier and save you a lot of money.

ReluctantHillCrester · 01/05/2020 17:08

Brutal question but how often is he able to masturbate? Is it problematic in terms of frequency or would once or twice a month be possible?

The only reason I am asking is my sister has a wife and they went down the donor sperm route through a clinic due to wanting both women to be named on the birth certificate, so although they had offer of sperm from gay friends, this was the legal way to ensure that the sperm donor had no rights.

It is costly and invasive to have insemination performed in a clinic. From what I was told they have to monitor your cycle, then insert a long thin tube into the uterus through the cervix and I think this was monitored using a scan. It wasn't ideal but it did work after several months.

If you are able to do something similar at home with your partner, obviously not through the cervix but into your vagina by syringe?

Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 18:11

Thank you to both of you for such thoughtful answers.

He does masturbate regularly (this was a bone of contention with us for a while!) but we’ve never discussed the possibility of using that semen for insemination using a syringe. It’s a really interesting idea and I’ll approach that subject with him. He might feel it’s a bit embarrassing and prefer the ‘scientific’ approach of a clinic (knowing him) but it’s worth a try!

It wouldn’t solve the problem if there are fertility issues (as I suspect there might be), but at least it would give us a starting point. Thank you.

OP posts:
veeboo · 01/05/2020 18:15

Hi OP. For different reasons my partner and I used insemination as well as sex as we tried to conceive. Unless you have reason to believe you can't conceive naturally a clinic will probably advise you do this first.

It was very simple and we did conceive a baby who is now 5 weeks old. We bought pipette syringes and pots on amazon. DP did his business and I then used the syringe to inseminate lying still for a while after. I used ovulation tests to confirm when I was ovulating and get the right days. Hope this helps.

veeboo · 01/05/2020 18:16

I would add...it's not embarrassing. Noone else needs to know!

Windyatthebeach · 01/05/2020 18:18

Forgive me for ignorance but how is he asexual but wanting to satisfy his own needs?
The term I would use is selfish.
.

ZoeandChandon · 01/05/2020 18:19

If you did manage to conceive, how will you get round the issue of the baby being brought up by a heavy smoker?

ReluctantHillCrester · 01/05/2020 18:29

happy, he would still have to masturbate at the clinic, surely if it was embarrassing it would be there, in a room where other men have also masturbated whilst a member of staff awaits your pot of sperm Grin

Surely it is better to do it like he usually does at home however he usually does this, he just collects the semen in a pot, hands it over to you and like veeboo says use a pipet to get the semen as high as you can inside you, less swimming required. Prop your hips up so everything slides down towards your cervix. Stay propped up for a bit to give yourself the best chance. I think (this is from a long time ago) that I saw that the female orgasm helps to move sperm upward through the cervix but don't quote me on that. Bit of fun for him, bit of fun for you.

You can use ovulation testing strips, you can buy them online and they are much cheaper than you get in the shops. That way you know exactly when to try.

I think once you see the cost of a fertility clinic, you will want to try at home. Plus as he can masturbate then you have access to sperm when you need it.

I think I would prefer that, being at home in my own bed to having my legs akimbo in stirrups and being surrounded by medical staff.

IVF was a real possibility for me due to fertility issues but before we went down that route a miracle happened and we conceived naturally.

Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 18:43

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 18:45

@Windyatthebeach Thank you for your viewpoint, I’ll be sure to pass it on. Anything helpful to contribute?

OP posts:
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 18:52

Smile thank you for the helpful replies. We’ll discuss the DIY approach!

OP posts:
RyanBergarasTeeth · 01/05/2020 18:59

If he can do it alone at home and give you the cup as others have suggested that will not only save you money but will be less envasive and stressful than a clinic. Also get a lubricant like preseed to really help when you do inseminate. Good luck.

chunkyrun · 01/05/2020 19:05

Why would he masturbate frequently if he's asexual?

Elieza · 01/05/2020 19:18

OP were your responses to Windy and Zoe not a bit OTT? They do have a point you know.

I believe the dictionary says an Asexual is a person who has no sexual desires.

So not your husband then.
He HAS sexual desires, just doesn’t want to have sex with you but is happy to have sex with himself. That’s all fine as long as you are both content with that. Many people have relationships based on emotional love not physical love. But I don’t see how he can fit the dictionary definition of asexual.

Happy to be educated though as I am ignorant of the terminology.

And re smoking, you did say he was a ‘heavy smoker‘ but originally no mention that he went outside to smoke. My view of a heavy smoker is 50-60a day, so perhaps in and out every 15 minutes or so? That’s a lot of jumping up and down so most heavy smokers I have known in the past wouldn’t bother going out. Especially if they work during the week as their bosses would t put up with that! That’s good he does go out though to protect you and himself from almost continual passive smoking.

EasterBuns · 01/05/2020 19:27

There were smokers in my NCT group and this was touched upon. Apparently for up to 30 minutes after smoking you exhale carbon monoxide so should not be near a baby. If he is a heavy smoker he will always be exhaling harmful gasses so I think it was a valid question.

Windyatthebeach · 01/05/2020 20:08

Ultimately having a dc won't disguise the fact your dh feels the need to keep himself satisfied - just not you.. Parenting won't stop resentment bubbling...
Facts as you yourself have stated.
Sorry your life is such op.
Truly.

Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 20:46

Wow. This is all really helpful! It certainly doesn’t satisfy a malicious, facetious, or moralistic impulse in some of you in any way.

That was sarcasm, by the way. Nevertheless, thanks for your contribution even though it helps me with my problem in no way whatsoever.

To those of you who DID actually address the pertinent issue in my original post, I am extremely grateful 😊

(And no @Elieza, my responses were not OTT. This is a sensitive issue; I was seeking support and guidance. Responses with enquiries/suppositions of a personal nature that are in no way relevant to the original post, are intrusive (at best) and judgmental (at worst), and should be prepared for a defensive response. Not OTT at all.

OP posts:
EasterBuns · 01/05/2020 20:48

You have laid all your dirty laundry out and are surprised when people don’t like the skid marks all over your pants.

Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 20:51

@Reluctantbear90 @ReluctantHillCrester*@veeboo @RyanBergarasTeeth* thank you for not judging Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 20:53

@EasterBuns yes 😊 I got the advice that I needed from those with a little empathy; and exactly what I expected from the rest of you. No surprises.

OP posts:
Original poster
happybutsad · 01/05/2020 20:56

Trolls never disappoint 😂 bit neither do the angels 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Namesgonenow · 01/05/2020 20:57

I’m sorry about the responses you are getting. The turkey baster method is the way to go.

Purpleartichoke · 01/05/2020 20:59

If it were me, I would try the diy approach for 6 months before you seek intervention.

He also needs to quit smoking for the health of the baby. I wouldn’t pay privately for assistance until he does that.

EasterBuns · 01/05/2020 21:00

I’m not a troll, the information I provided about smoking was merely factual, you are the one who took offence at facts.

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