Conception with asexual partner

[happybutsad]

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a forum before but I'm not sure who else to ask - mumsnet always has such great answers.
My partner and I have a wonderfully happy relationship - nothing to complain about. The only 'unconventional' aspect is that we don't have sex. Sex was a tense issue at the beginning and eventually, after some very infrequent sex, a lot of fighting and blame, and much discussion, he admitted that he is asexual. We agreed that we love each other and didn't want to lose what we had for the sake of sex. I promised to be open with him if it every became too difficult for me to live without sex (I am not asexual).
That's just some background but not the actual problem... the issue is now we would like to start a family. We are both ready and excited at the prospect of raising a child together. However, sex is out of the question. At this point, the idea of sex seems unnatural for both of us as it hasn't been part of our relationship. We want our child to be conceived in joy - not during a sexual encounter that we both feel awkward and anxious in! Plus, there's no way we could achieve the frequency of sex needed to conceive a baby! In addition, we're in our late thirties and he's a heavy smoker so there's no guarantee that it would even be possible! We did have sex on or around my ovulation day several times, but it never came to anything.
We would like to approach a private fertility clinic so that we can discuss the possibility of artificial insemination (sorry if that isn't the proper term?), using his sperm. However, we haven't undergone any tests yet - we don't have anything to say it's medically necessary. It's a choice we're making because the 'traditional' route is not possible for us.
Has anyone done something similar with their partner? If we go to a private clinic asking to do this will they tell us to go away and try 'naturally' first? That is our fear.
Apologies for the long post and thank you in advance of any advice.

I don't know if anyone has followed the link earlier in the thread but it explained in detail various grades of asexuality, and the fact that libido is different from being sexual.

Years ago I actually happened to listen to a programme on Radio 4 about asexuality which included interviews with several asexual people (all but one in relationships with non-asexual people) Apparently it's not THAT rare.
Anyway, I remember one of the female interviewees mentioning she masturbates as and when needed, but it's not a sexual thing for her, just physiological, and she couldn't bear the idea of anyone else being involved, it was a bit like taking care of her personal hygiene for her. I understand the OP's DH is different, but just saying, people who jumped to conclusions or judge while in blissful ignorance, at least you could have read up on what you are talking about.

@Cassandrainthenight thank you. It’s been incredibly eye-opening this evening, the number of people who don’t understand asexuality. Oh he’s asexual? He shouldn’t masturbate! He’s gay! He doesn’t find you attractive! Such ignorance. Thank you, for your understanding.

Are you planning on being sexless for the rest of your life op?

@happybutsad I cannot believe how low this went, I posted right at the top!

Dh had to masturbate twice at a hospital for his post-vasectomy sperm check. He struggled to do in a clinical setting. This was before smart phones were available though and the time pressure was a factor, even though they said take your time, you still know someone is waiting for that pot.

Good luck with conceiving, I hope you are successful.

We love and respect each other. I’m only sorry that I’ve had to spell it out because it wasn’t the point of this thread 😟

^^you've probably guessed this but everyone is nosey. In real life I've never come across anyone in this situation. Or I may have but I'd never know!

Morning op!

Re conception. I assume you're taking folic acid already?
Another graphic tip for adding conception seen on a TV science programme years ago. Do you masturbate and achieve orgasm yourself? If you inseminate yourself lying on your back in bed, so, sperm in virgina, if you masturbate (without inserting anything) the muscle contractions on orgasm cause the cervix to sort of pump sperm out of the virgina up into the body where it needs to be. I would definitely try home made methods before clinics because, well, you might as well. You could start today and be pregnant next month. Assuming he also stops smoking today, that would be absolutely non negotiable for me. This is a planned pregnancy, plan it well.

Also, lack of sex. I think my mil's parents has a sexless marriage (so, my husband's grandparents) They both died long before I came on the scene. My mil showed me pictures of the house she grew up in, her parents had separate bedrooms all her life and she went on to tell me she didn't think they ever had sex. She was an only child, conceived very early in the marriage and at a time when it was very unusual to be an only child. She described her parents as very happy together though (as does my husband) and she had a lovely childhood. For context, she's in her 80's.

How long have you been together? And did you say you were married? Another thing a would sort out in preparation for a child is that you both have a will.

OP - Every fertility clinic I've worked in in the UK has required both halves of the couple to stop smoking for at least 6 months before they will start treatment. This had been for private and NHS patients. They do a breathalyser test to check. Your DH might want to give up smoking now then if you do need to go down the clinic route in 6 months time you won't have to waste any time.

There are grades of asexuality

There are different agreements between partners

There are different kinds of relationships

The OP’s sex life is not the subject matter of this thread

How is artificially inseminating yourself with a turkey baster a way of conceiving with joy

If his not gay and he is into sex (must be to watch porn and masturbate) surely he could just perform once or twice a month to conceive a child... that is how children are supposed to be made (genuine medical issues aside)

@wttaf you clearly do not understand aaexuality and haven’t any business pointing out what’s genuine what’s not. There are numerous ways for sperm and egg to meet, numerous kinds of families, partnerships and coupledom, and numerous kinds of conception outside of heterosexual PIV sex, and numerous ways for
People to find joy. Alternatively - there are countless instances of heterosexual PIV conceptions between poorly matched people, those not loving each other, those being abused and pregnant. There is not one simple formula. And “conceiving with joy” is a slightly vom term. OP - many aren’t really getting this perhaps the AVEN forum might be useful to discuss things to do with Ace-non/ace relationships....

@Namesgonenow "conceiving with joy" is a vom term, completely agree. But if you actually read the OP you will see it was her term, not mine

My points on your very own post still, very much stand.

If MN were a person, she would be a schizophrenic.
On a usual day:
Dh wants too much sex = LTB, tell him to leave you alone and have a wank
Neighbor smokes in the garden, should I ask them to stop = URBU it's a free world don't you know
Today:
Dh doesn't want sex and actually I'm quite happy with it = LTB
Smokers can't possibly be good parents

Of course, quitting smoking is a good idea before having a child, but its easier for some than others. Especially in the current situation. Being a smoker doesn't mean you shouldn't have a child whatsoever (it would make a lot of people unfit to be parents). I've seen mothers walk out of the maternity ward and light up. Not a pretty sight, but that's still a reality, unfortunately.

Maybe he isn't really asexual after all. Maybe he has a trauma from childhood. Maybe he's secretly gay...? Maybe he just doesn't like sex, like the Op says. If he and the OP are committed to being good parents together, how is that any different to two same sex couples doing a baster exchange and getting pregnant?

Hopefully there is still love and affection in the home. Cuddles on the sofa etc. Think any kid would rather have a life with a smoker than a life with no cuddles. If there's no physical affection at all from DH, or the lack of sexual activity stems from a childhood trauma, then that's where you might need to think about how this would impact a child.

But a cig and a wank once in a while? You will be parents but still human, and that's okay.
If everyone who smokes and masturbates is going to hell, it sure is going to be lonely and boring up there in heaven.

I have literally one question: OP, are you going to use an actual Turkey baster or a small syringe?

I'm asking as a legitimate question. People often joke about 'the Turkey baster method' but you genuinely only need a small (10ml) syringe - from the chemist. I know of a few couples who have done it and it's worked well for them, no need for clinics etc.

If that's what you're doing anyway..... as you were 😄

If your DP prefers clinics to at-home insemination you're probably better going for IUI (intra-uterine insemination), especially if he's a heavy smoker. The sperm gets "washed" and concentrated before bring put directly into the uterus via a catheter. It costs about £1k per go, but it's much cheaper than IVF and more effective than straightforward insemination.

That being said though - do try regularly with insemination first if you can.

You'd actually be eligible for IUI on the NHS in some trusts (they tend not to bother with straightforward insemination as IUI gives a better outcome usually much faster). The NHS website states that you can access it if you cannot have sex for a physical or psychological reason.

Good luck, anyway!

www.nhs.uk/conditions/artificial-insemination/

Hi, I am part of the ace community. Best thing is to speak to the GP @happybutsad

Take care :)