Conception with asexual partner

[happybutsad]

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a forum before but I'm not sure who else to ask - mumsnet always has such great answers.
My partner and I have a wonderfully happy relationship - nothing to complain about. The only 'unconventional' aspect is that we don't have sex. Sex was a tense issue at the beginning and eventually, after some very infrequent sex, a lot of fighting and blame, and much discussion, he admitted that he is asexual. We agreed that we love each other and didn't want to lose what we had for the sake of sex. I promised to be open with him if it every became too difficult for me to live without sex (I am not asexual).
That's just some background but not the actual problem... the issue is now we would like to start a family. We are both ready and excited at the prospect of raising a child together. However, sex is out of the question. At this point, the idea of sex seems unnatural for both of us as it hasn't been part of our relationship. We want our child to be conceived in joy - not during a sexual encounter that we both feel awkward and anxious in! Plus, there's no way we could achieve the frequency of sex needed to conceive a baby! In addition, we're in our late thirties and he's a heavy smoker so there's no guarantee that it would even be possible! We did have sex on or around my ovulation day several times, but it never came to anything.
We would like to approach a private fertility clinic so that we can discuss the possibility of artificial insemination (sorry if that isn't the proper term?), using his sperm. However, we haven't undergone any tests yet - we don't have anything to say it's medically necessary. It's a choice we're making because the 'traditional' route is not possible for us.
Has anyone done something similar with their partner? If we go to a private clinic asking to do this will they tell us to go away and try 'naturally' first? That is our fear.
Apologies for the long post and thank you in advance of any advice.

So he wanks to porn, won’t sleep with you, but wants a baby ?
What a prince among men.

@popsydoodle4444 meant a heart and thanks 💕

Just to answer this part:

“He might feel it’s a bit embarrassing and prefer the ‘scientific’ approach of a clinic (knowing him) but it’s worth a try”

We had fertility investigations, and DH found wanking into a pot, in a small empty room, on demand, very difficult. The “scientific” approach is not very sexy. If your DH doesn’t have a massive sex drive, he will probably find it much easier to perform at home than in a cubicle off a packed waiting room.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? The posters discussing smoking have a very valid point. It goes into answering your question about being accepted for treatment because the NHS won't offer treatment to smokers and it is not something you should think of as an issue for once the baby is here. It's an issue for right now and if he is serious about having a baby and fully commute to all that entails he should be preparing for that aspect before seriously considering going forward with any form of treatment.

He is very clearly not A Sexual and that is a relevant issue because you've already said his porn habits don't help your self esteem and long run that's likely to cause issues.

I am all for asexual couples - I have no issues with anyone as long as your not hurting anyone.
But honestly, it would make me feel insecure about myself if I knew my partner didn't want to have sex with me but would happily watch porn and masturbate.
You must be much more secure in yourself than I am OP.

Wow @SirVixofVixHall you’ve really done a good job of reiterating several things that have been clarified already. I’m not sure what your point is or what response you expect? It seems that your condemnation of my partner feeds into some sense of self gratification? I’m sorry if that is the only way that you make peace with my thread: I wish you all the best.

@happybutsad I understand it must be frustrating to be answering questions about other aspects of your relationship when all you want is advice about conception. It's just that you mentioned sex was in the past a tense issue, he is asexual, he masturbates, he uses porn, but you're both wonderfully happy. It is kind of hard to get past this information you've willingly given.

@ChristmasCarcass thank you, that is a very good point! ❤️

@SquirtleSquad smoking and nhs is interesting but not relevant as I’m looking at private healthcare, as I made clear in the op.

As to whether I’m being ‘deliberately obtuse’, see above:

@Bumsnet1 thank you, that was my mistake. I thought these facts would help people advise me on the fertility clinic issue - I didn’t realize that they would create a whole other philosophical discussion! Such is the joy of online posting 😂

My comments, and I'm sure some of the others, do not come from a place of unkindness. Your situation isn't 'unconventional', it's dysfunctional.

@Bumsnet1 that’s an extremly judgmental thing to say. What’s your justification for that?

@Bumsnet1 I’m looking for your professional psychological analysis, which you’re offering.’Dysfunctional’ is not a term to be bandied around lightly. And your qualifications, of course.

Tbh pp should just leave this thread, OP knows full well what she’s doing, if she’s been on MN at all she’ll be well aware how obtuse she is and it’s not some idyllic marriage.
Any other post worded differently stating “my DH won’t have sex with me but wanks and watches porn” would be inundated with LTB not turkey baster tips.

Of course it's dysfunctional; accepting that your frequently wanking partner is asexual because he tells you so

@JKScot4 oh I ‘knew what I was doing’. Just posted for giggles, did I? Because I’m more articulate than the average bear, I’ve got to take crap from trolls? Nice bit of humanity there. Basically making my post look pointless. Which it is now, thanks to replies like yours. Thankfully, there were some who gave me decent advice. And the first two or three pages are worth reading; making sure that mumsnet still serves an honest purpose. Shame on you.

Why do people think they have a right to judge or pass comment? OP hasn't asked for other people's opinions. If she and her partner are happy in their relationship and they're excited about the prospect of having a child together then good for them. I don't have any actual advice but I would assume that you'd be expected to try 'the natural way' first and then come back after a while (sorry OP!). I'm pretty sure you can get DIY insemination kits online though. x

@Thisismytimetoshine because wanking and sex are exactly the same thing 😂

Agree with JKScot4

Thank you @itmusthavebeencoffee, even though your answer might seem obvious to others, it was extremely valuable to me! And way more valuable evacuaste it didn’t contain superfluous judgement!!!!

What's the 😂 for, op? I think the joke's on you, dear...

@SirVixofVixHalltbays irrelevant.

@Thisismytimetoshine then I wish you joy of it 🙂 and make no comment on what that says about you as a human being.

I dont know if someone has already mentioned this but if you were willing to pay for insemination (don't know actual term sorry). But have you thought about check ups that everything is working?

It took 18 months to conceive my first, a month to have my second but the first time my husband had a private sperm check (might be beneficial if your husband smokes). And I was with the NHS so had lap dyes and blood tests to check if I was ovulating.

It helped with the stress that we were all fit and health.

@MissPepper8 thank you yes, we would like to do this 😊