Conception with asexual partner

[happybutsad]

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a forum before but I'm not sure who else to ask - mumsnet always has such great answers.
My partner and I have a wonderfully happy relationship - nothing to complain about. The only 'unconventional' aspect is that we don't have sex. Sex was a tense issue at the beginning and eventually, after some very infrequent sex, a lot of fighting and blame, and much discussion, he admitted that he is asexual. We agreed that we love each other and didn't want to lose what we had for the sake of sex. I promised to be open with him if it every became too difficult for me to live without sex (I am not asexual).
That's just some background but not the actual problem... the issue is now we would like to start a family. We are both ready and excited at the prospect of raising a child together. However, sex is out of the question. At this point, the idea of sex seems unnatural for both of us as it hasn't been part of our relationship. We want our child to be conceived in joy - not during a sexual encounter that we both feel awkward and anxious in! Plus, there's no way we could achieve the frequency of sex needed to conceive a baby! In addition, we're in our late thirties and he's a heavy smoker so there's no guarantee that it would even be possible! We did have sex on or around my ovulation day several times, but it never came to anything.
We would like to approach a private fertility clinic so that we can discuss the possibility of artificial insemination (sorry if that isn't the proper term?), using his sperm. However, we haven't undergone any tests yet - we don't have anything to say it's medically necessary. It's a choice we're making because the 'traditional' route is not possible for us.
Has anyone done something similar with their partner? If we go to a private clinic asking to do this will they tell us to go away and try 'naturally' first? That is our fear.
Apologies for the long post and thank you in advance of any advice.

The smoking thing is a major issue. I know that. I only wanted to know if we could even think of approaching a fertility clinic now (flawed as we are) or if they’d send us away 🤦🏻‍♀️

C'mon, three pages and no one has said that it's a bad idea to bring a baby into this relationship?
Unless the definition of asexual has changed he is lying to the OP, and how she is squaring this circle I don't know.
Can't believe anyone would actually head straight to a clinic before trying the turkey baster method either.

@happybutsad hey, this is Mumsnet! We get our kicks from other peoples problems! Indulge us!

@Hedgehog44 I’m loving it 😂 but only because so many lovely people came forward, so the balance has been struck! Honestly, it’s a bit like the Hunger Games!!!!

Worse!!!! Take your life in your hands ☀️

@Iggii my god there’s so much to unpick here, but I’m going to try, god help me.

Bad relationship for a baby. Why?

My partner lying to me. How?

Someone with literally no experience of artificial reproductive practices searching for professional intervention over a cooking implement is ludicrous. Explain?

Looking forward to your responses

@Hedgehog44 so it seems! But good craic nonetheless 😊

*Yes I was wondering if he’s gay as well.

Its a perfect beard scenario*

In the end does it matter? If they are both happy enough to be together and both are thrilled to become parents then it sounds like a good starting point for a family to me. There are plenty of people on mumsnet who have shit partners, accidental pregnancies and are financially abused. Plus that the place is heaving with single mothers. It sounds to me that the OP has a better starting point to so many others.

OP, you'll probably hate my suggestion, but I think you should seek counselling before getting pregnant. You're in a relationship where you've made a major sacrifice. You're with a man who does not want to be intimate with you. Do you think this is the right environment to bring up a child?

@bumsnet1 thank you for the reply. We’ve actually been to counseling already. I didn’t mention it on the original post, because I felt like it wasn’t relevant to the question about fertility clinics. Also because it was a deeply personal experience. But I’m realizing that on these threads, it’s not realistic to expect that posters will answers the question without probing around. Thank you anyway, for considering the wider situation 😊

Why does him being Italian mean he's not gay - I genuinely don't understand? lol

Also I think you would be accepted at a clinic but as others have said it's easier, cheaper etc trying to start at home first.

could be worse. Could be a random dickhead posting on online forums

What, like you OP?

Have you spoken about getting sperm from someone else - in case there is a problem?
It might be better to have that conversation now to make sure you're on the same page if it is him who has a problem.

@Bumsnet1 in answer to your last question, yes I do. We love each other very much, are financially secure and have a beautiful home. We have a supportive extended family across two countries. I was a primary teacher, now we’re both lawyers. I shouldn’t have to justify what a wonderful, rich and loving environment that our child will be raised in, but I will. The fact that his/her father and I don’t bump uglies sporadically will make no difference. We love and respect each other. I’m only sorry that I’ve had to spell it out because it wasn’t the point of this thread 😟

Someone from a fairly macho culture is more likely to hide being gay, surely.
He's lying because he is saying he is asexual but does actually have quite a lot of sexual desire, but not for the Op, which must fucking hurt, so I do not mind the OP's defensiveness at all I think it is entirely understandable.

@SquirtleSquad nice response. Somewhere along the lines of ‘’I know you are, but what am I?’ 😂

@Iggii@Poppi89 honestly, I can see how you’d get there. You’d need to be here and have the conversation. Plus I’ve seen the porn. There are issues at work but trust me, he’s not gay. It doesn’t make it easier on my self esteem. Bottom line is, he’s doesn’t want to go there, with anybody.

it’s not realistic to expect that posters will answers the question without probing around

I suspect you're going to be doing quite a lot of probing around over the next few months!

@happybutsad

A genuine non judgmental question for you.

Have you and your DH been to see a sex therapist/relationship counselling?

“He’s Italian, and appalled at the suggestion I think he’s gay”

He is clearly not “asexual”
Pretty obvious thing to ask if your partner isn’t sexually attracted to you, so why would he be appalled ?
You sound very chippy OP. People can and do live happily together without sex. However, when one half of a couple is giving up sex for the other half who has sex solo, that is not a very equal relationship, nor is it a very honest one. If you really need a turkey baster to have a baby with your husband who has both a sex drive and erections, then something is very wrong, and the most likely thing is that he is not sexually interested in women.

Op you are doing a great job batting off some of these replies .

But i agree with you, you dont need sex to make a relationship work. And if somewhere down the line you have a child and it doesnt work out between the 2 of you then co parenting is a valid option.

I didn't say I didn't believe he wasn't gay but being Italian doesn't make you more or less gay.

There is a stereotypical view that Italian men love women and sex (so they may hide they're gay) but that doesn't fit your partner anyway so I was genuinely asking what the connection was.

@ViciousJackdaw niiiiiiiiiiccccceeeee 😂 hopefully it will be worth it!

@popsydoodle4444 you’re very kind but yes 😂