Conception with asexual partner

[happybutsad]

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a forum before but I'm not sure who else to ask - mumsnet always has such great answers.
My partner and I have a wonderfully happy relationship - nothing to complain about. The only 'unconventional' aspect is that we don't have sex. Sex was a tense issue at the beginning and eventually, after some very infrequent sex, a lot of fighting and blame, and much discussion, he admitted that he is asexual. We agreed that we love each other and didn't want to lose what we had for the sake of sex. I promised to be open with him if it every became too difficult for me to live without sex (I am not asexual).
That's just some background but not the actual problem... the issue is now we would like to start a family. We are both ready and excited at the prospect of raising a child together. However, sex is out of the question. At this point, the idea of sex seems unnatural for both of us as it hasn't been part of our relationship. We want our child to be conceived in joy - not during a sexual encounter that we both feel awkward and anxious in! Plus, there's no way we could achieve the frequency of sex needed to conceive a baby! In addition, we're in our late thirties and he's a heavy smoker so there's no guarantee that it would even be possible! We did have sex on or around my ovulation day several times, but it never came to anything.
We would like to approach a private fertility clinic so that we can discuss the possibility of artificial insemination (sorry if that isn't the proper term?), using his sperm. However, we haven't undergone any tests yet - we don't have anything to say it's medically necessary. It's a choice we're making because the 'traditional' route is not possible for us.
Has anyone done something similar with their partner? If we go to a private clinic asking to do this will they tell us to go away and try 'naturally' first? That is our fear.
Apologies for the long post and thank you in advance of any advice.

@Namesgonenow thank you, that seems to be the overwhelming opinion! We’ll definitely consider that advice. And it’s okay, I was ready for it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you @Purpleartichoke, a valid point!

@EasterBuns apologies, but I think my defensiveness comes from your assumption that my partner and I have not considered the implications of his being a smoker. We have. To a great degree. There have been discussions, and research, and many decisions about how our life will change after the birth (hopefully) of our child. But none of that had any significance to the original post. I only mentioned his smoking within the context of fertility. I resent the implication that we have not discussed or considered that, and find yours, and others’, comments about it unnecessary, judgemental (based on no facts) and intrusive. Hence my defensiveness.

I was simply asking if we could voluntarily approach a fertility clinic. Nothing more.

The turkey baster method is the way to go.

Completely agree. I would try this for a good few months first for two reasons.

1. It'll save you thousands.
2. If it doesn't work you'll know you might indeed have some sort of fertility problem that needs looking into.

Also, I agree with other posters re smoking. Is your partner willing to stop? I'm sure you all know the health risks for all of you including the baby. Also, is stopping smoking a precondition for fertility treatment? I think it might be.

Thank you @ KenDodd, this is exactly the kind of advice I needed. Yes he is willing to stop, but it’s not easy for him (of course after such a heavy habit).im
Not sure about the conditions for fertility treatment and so this is now something that we will
look in to! P.s. love the username!

Smoking is not something to change after you have had a baby, you would be doing two of the most difficult and stressful things at the same time. It is very bad for your fertility, hence why people are giving you the useful advice to address this issue before doing anything else. These people are not trolls, just people posting useful advice on the thread you posted asking for advice.

I've also been WhatsApping a friend who had IVF as the same time. Asked her re smoking (she doesn't smoke) she was asked at the first consultation if they smoked and was told that they still offer treatment, but they have to have stopped smoking first so it would be a few months before they could start. Her child is now 17 so this was a long time ago, I imagine if anything this rule has got stricter. It was just one clinic though.

People asking a question or not agreeing with you doesn’t make them a troll.
Tbh your reaction suggested you know there’s something wrong about your situation.
Your DH regularly masturbates therefore hes not asexual, he’s selfish and you’ve settled for this 🙄🙄

OP I don't think that people are trying to be unkind or malicious they are just confused to what you mean because if he wanks he is not asexual

@EasterBuns thank you, but your first post seemed to be in defense of someone who implied that my partner couldn’t care for a child (after the birth) because he is a smoker. That’s not fair. It wasn’t based on any sort of knowledge of us. That’s why I took offense to it. Of course I recognize that smoking is bad for fertility, as I hope I made clear in my op. Ultimately, my post is about whether one can seek medical assistance (privately) on the grounds of asexuality.

People asking a question or not agreeing with you doesn’t make them a troll.
Tbh your reaction suggested you know there’s something wrong about your situation.
Your DH regularly masturbates therefore hes not asexual, he’s selfish and you’ve settled for this 🙄🙄

^
Absolutely agree with this although the OP will probably say we are trolls for our opinions

Some horrible judgey replies on here, how dare people be so nasty about the sexual choices of others.

I have heard that a soft cup filled with sperm works (on other message boards) - but not tried it. Good luck.

Wow...just read the others which have come in, some really spiteful people on here.

Apologies, I’m not sure what the people here are looking for? If he masturbates, he’s not asexual?

What is the point you’re all trying to make?

Should I leave my DH? Should we not start a family?

It’s ludicrous. We’re happy. What do you want me to say?

I wasn’t seeking a discussion on the nature of asexuality. Why are you commenting if it’s not answering the question in the op. Let me restate it for any confusion.

CAN YOU APPROACH A FERTILITY CLINIC FOR VOLUNTARY INSEMINATION?

Hopefully that will provide some clarification and discourage the keyboard warriors

@theotherfossilsister thank you for your kindness!

Bugger, posted link to this thread, which was daft

This is the link

www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual

@GarlicSoup no one disagreed. There was nothing to disagree with. I wasn’t presenting an alternative view. I didn’t invite anything. I didn’t put forward an opinion. Literally nothing. All I did, was seek advice, and what I received from some people, was unsolicited judgement. And I will respond to that because, although trolls must not be fed, they should be encouraged to stay under their respective bridges. Namaste.

Smoking was definitely a total no-go for NHS treatment - they made us both blow into a breathalyser thingy - but private may be different. Even if they WOULD treat you, it still makes sense for him to stop before you start as it has a huge health impact on fertility and on a baby.

I would definitely try the turkey baster method first. I've also heard that putting in a moon cup can help. Haven't done either personally but definitely worth a try before spending thousands on treatment x

CAN YOU APPROACH A FERTILITY CLINIC FOR VOLUNTARY INSEMINATION?*

Yes, but turkey baster method would be a cheaper option. Can he masturbate on demand? Because at a fertility clinic you're told to come in at say 8:30 and produce semen within around 15 minutes please. It's not that exact but it does put extra pressure on a man. Do you already use ovulation predictor sticks?

@theotherfossilsister aaaahhh! This is brilliant! Thank goodness for you and your ilk

I'd agree that he should give up smoking now. That should not only improve his fertility, but as a pp said will avoid him trying to give up during the extremely stressful time of caring for a young baby. Has he accepted that he should give up?

@October2020 @walkingchuckydoll brilliant thank you! No, we haven’t used sticks yet, only the Flo app. I’m like clockwork. I don’t know about on demand... I’m only at the point of starting to ask the questions! The moon cup thing is very interesting!

@Butterymuffin yes he has! 😊

• If he masturbates, he’s not asexual?

Technically that does mean he's not asexual indeed. It sounds like it doesn't matter that much to you and you are happy enough to be together regardless of how conventional or unconventional your private life is so just leave it as a private thing between you two? Plenty of people don't have sex. Could be a difference in sexual desire, erectile dysfunction, loss of excitement, whatever. As long as you are happy together then it's fine.