Conception with asexual partner

[happybutsad]

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a forum before but I'm not sure who else to ask - mumsnet always has such great answers.
My partner and I have a wonderfully happy relationship - nothing to complain about. The only 'unconventional' aspect is that we don't have sex. Sex was a tense issue at the beginning and eventually, after some very infrequent sex, a lot of fighting and blame, and much discussion, he admitted that he is asexual. We agreed that we love each other and didn't want to lose what we had for the sake of sex. I promised to be open with him if it every became too difficult for me to live without sex (I am not asexual).
That's just some background but not the actual problem... the issue is now we would like to start a family. We are both ready and excited at the prospect of raising a child together. However, sex is out of the question. At this point, the idea of sex seems unnatural for both of us as it hasn't been part of our relationship. We want our child to be conceived in joy - not during a sexual encounter that we both feel awkward and anxious in! Plus, there's no way we could achieve the frequency of sex needed to conceive a baby! In addition, we're in our late thirties and he's a heavy smoker so there's no guarantee that it would even be possible! We did have sex on or around my ovulation day several times, but it never came to anything.
We would like to approach a private fertility clinic so that we can discuss the possibility of artificial insemination (sorry if that isn't the proper term?), using his sperm. However, we haven't undergone any tests yet - we don't have anything to say it's medically necessary. It's a choice we're making because the 'traditional' route is not possible for us.
Has anyone done something similar with their partner? If we go to a private clinic asking to do this will they tell us to go away and try 'naturally' first? That is our fear.
Apologies for the long post and thank you in advance of any advice.

@borgl true, but some bell ends chime more loudly than others! 😁

@EasterBuns Wow. Going for the ‘she doesn’t know how things are done here’ approach. Nice. Despite that, an overwhelmingly positive thread. So maybe just you...?

@walkingchuckydoll ❤️

Oh before I forget, stay lieing down for 30 minutes after the turkey baster. After that enough semen should have reached your cervix.

Good luck, I got pregnant once that way, but it didn't stick due to other problems. So it really is possible.

@walkingchuckydoll thank you again! Turkey baster in the post 😉

Also everyone else who offered the same advice!

You posted to ask if being In an asexual relationship you are able to go to a fertility clinic for help. I say you are within your rights to keep that information to yourself if you want to and you accuse me of having a negative attitude towards asexuality.

@happybutsad
I do not think he is asexual but if you are satisfied then it's all good but I think your user name gives the game away. I hope you get what you want xx

Smoking is very bad for sperm. Smoke, even on clothes etc, is very bad for babies. So if you want to conceive, then he really needs to oack in the smoking.
My other concern is that as he clearly is not asexual (e.g.he has a sex drive, he just does not want sex with you) then are you certain he is not gay ? Are you certain you can go on in a sexless marriage ? Because bringing a baby into this doesn’t seem very sensible to me. I think your DH should have some therapy to explore why his sex drive is focused on masturbation rather than with his partner.

@EasterBuns Im happy to accept your revisionist narrative of your posts, if that works for you. But let’s just remember that you referred to my personal queries on this site as ‘dirty laundry’ (see first page of this thread). Dirty. Laundry. With all due respect, at that point your opinion became moot to me. Mumsnet is a forum for sharing problems and seeking advice. Your attempt at apportioning blame, like some 19th venture fishwife, is shameful.

Yes I was wondering if he’s gay as well.

To everyone else, thank you for your advice about the fertility. With regard to my partner and his sexual habits, it was part of initial post relax the to the issue of conception - yet it became irresistible comment-fodder to many of you. I can’t satisfy your need for that; I can only recommend an online counseling course, or perhaps another thread where your views on this might be more informed or pertinent 🙂 Thank you to those who offered advice on the relevant query 🙏🏻

relevant*

I was explaining why you shouldn’t be surprised to get peoples opinions if you lay out your private life for all to see. What did you expect? FWIW I posted the suggestion that you could not mention it as a suggestion to help. To take offence to that you must be very thin skinned.

Do you know how often he masturbates op? I've heard that to increase sperm number you need to have sex, or masturbate, three to four times a week. This produces optimal sperm apparently, you'd think it uses it all up, but no, apparently not! You need to ask him how often and get him to up production (he seems capable) if need be. Also, don't think it's going to be easy so don't be to disappointed if you're still not pregnant after a couple of months. Use ovulation predictions, as adviced, insemination (however way) at least twice during your fertile window, lie on back, knees loosely to chest for thirty minutes afterwards. And get him to quit smoking asap.

Oh and ignore posters who think you can't be in a happy relationship without sex, your relationship is your business.

I’m loving the OP’s clapbacks, trolls have gone quiet 😂

@KenDodd yes, exactly this! Thank you!

@Meirou90 there’s plenty space under that bridge for all of them 😂😉

Yes I was wondering if he’s gay as well.

Its a perfect beard scenario

@EasterBuns honestly? I expected support, empathy, and pertinent replies. That’s why I chose Mumsnet, and also carefully chose a relevant thread. But I also was prepared to respond to shit-posters with an axe to grind and nothing of much relevance to contribute to the original post. Not pointing fingers. Sorry, what is your point regarding voluntary sperm donations?

FYI - in my experience the midwives, health visitors and baby classes etc will all talk to you about having sex and the dangers of smoking - so your partner needs to be prepared this will come up a lot!!
I found it difficult as I was on my own and they would ask does it hurt when you have sex, an old wives tale is that sex brings on labour etc. and it was awkward to explain I haven't had sex as they then say why is it painful etc so I was prepared to say I am single parent straight away to save embarrassment lol. Not everyone will understand your situation and are just genuinley interested so may ask a lot of questions like people are on here.

Smoking can also slow sperm down so any cutting down he can do will hopefully increase your chances too!

Guys, I’ve asked him if he’s gay. Early doors. He’s Italian, and appalled at the suggestion that I think he’s gay 😂 what do y’all want me to tell you I’be explored all this before I posted. Just seeking advice on fertility clinics!