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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided. All welcome. Thread 9

999 replies

kwick · 02/06/2017 07:52

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!

Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2908645--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-All-welcome-Thread-8
And the one before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2886793--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-All-welcome-Thread-7
And the one before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2863056--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-Thread-6
Here is the link to the one before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2832207--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

We also have a weight loss spin off thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2889818-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-weight-loss-spin-off-thread

#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided. All welcome. Thread 9
OP posts:
Thread gallery
18
CautionHormone · 02/06/2017 20:25

Thread 9 😱 When did that happen?!

Hi all 👋🏻
My info:
• 26 (just turned), the baby of the group!
• Single - always single!
• No previous attempts behind me, but I hope to start around August/September time... Really need to get my initial consult booked but still can't decide between two clinics! Had an AMH and that's as far as I've got 😂
• On a mission to lose 1st 10lbs Smile

Pez, so pleased you're starting to feel a little better. I can't even imagine how tiring it must be to feel nauseous every day, but you know you're getting something special at the end of it 😍

Welcome Daphne and Tiny :)

Shoes!!! How're you feeling? How's baby?? Can't believe she's 4 weeks old already - it must've gone even quicker for you!!

Hi everyone else Grin

PhoenixMama · 02/06/2017 20:55

Hi all! I'm Phoenix, 42 (sob) with a 7 year old DD. I had unmedicated iui last month at CFC in Copenhagen but BFN. I have limited funds (single parent & all) so can't keep trying for long. Probably have one iui left in me but can't try again till July.

PhoenixMama · 02/06/2017 21:08

Actually ladies I need your thoughts... I have a lover (lol that sounds so literary!) but it's a guy I've been sleeping with on and off for almost 3 years. About 18 months ago I had to deal with a serious trauma and he was incredibly kind. We got closer and I count him as a friend too. He definitely doesn't want to be in a relationship. Anyway I told him what I was planning on doing and he was really happy for me, encouraging, etc.

I told him this week that it failed and long story short, he's offered to "donate" but remain anonymous.

The offer alone made me cry and I said we would discuss it more. I had previously considered a known donor but he was gay, and was going to be the child's godfather. (He since moved abroad).

What would you do ladies? I know a fair bit about the legal side but it's the emotional one I'm more worried about!

Munrowalker · 02/06/2017 21:30

It has to be your decision @phoneix but there is no way I would do it as all the emotional stuff is hard enough as it is let alone with all the other baggage that would come along if you did.
However, I'm pretty sure some of my single friends with children just basically found a 'you'll do' man to father offspring with no real plan to be with them so each to their own.
Sorry can't be of more help there

Bear1980 · 02/06/2017 21:54

It's a tough one phoenix I understand why you would consider it but you need to make sure you have all the boundaries set upfront if you decide to go down this route. For example how good a friend is he and is the intention that he will continue to be in your life?

StorkAhoy · 02/06/2017 22:14

kwick it can also believed to generate uterine contractions, same as pineapple, it appears different uses at different times. There's lots of discussion for using it to increase lining thickness over on netmums and whattoexpect.com

phoenix oh blimey, that's a tough one. If he's a 'friend' how would the anonymity thing work?

INeedNewShoes · 02/06/2017 22:36

Phoenix - I had offers from good friends which I turned down. I think it's too complicated, even more so if you have a relationship history of any sort with the man in question.

In my case I decided it just wasn't worth the potential complications and upset for all parties. I want to be honest with my child about the donor, which in you scenario would be impossible.

PhoenixMama · 03/06/2017 09:15

Hi all - really interesting to hear your thoughts.

Friends is probably a stretch for our relationship. We do care about each other but it's mostly sex. We don't socialise outside the bedroom too much. Odd meal out that sort of thing but our lives aren't intertwined at all.

I think my biggest concern would be him falling in love with the baby afterwards.

I guess what's different for me is that I already coparent with ExH so I'm not really phased by that side of things.

If I went that route I would def tell dc the truth. Mummy really wanted you but needed spermies so your godfather/her friend donated some of his so I could have you. He would always be donor and never daddy and I would start explaining that like someone else said at around 6 months.

To me it's kinda like using baby signing. A lot of people think it's weird/different but it had a profound impact on the way dd communicates (I can see the difference still now she's 7). It allowed us to communicate from a tiny age (9 months) and was totally normal for us. As long as you talk about the donor situation early and often it will be normal and accepted. And Stork I think we should bank on the kids wanting to find their donors but this has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the natural human curiosity of where we come from!

Pez82 · 03/06/2017 09:36

Phoenix, you would both need to be very clear about his role.
If he is an 'anonymous' donor only he'll probably have to disappear from your life after conception has happened.
If you still want him in your life he effectively becomes a dad and is no longer a donor or a godfather/friend. It doesn't mean he has to co-parent but he is a daddy in this situation and would need to be considered as such.
I don't see how you could have something in between but that's only me.

I've read many stories where the man/donor said he wanted nothing but totally changed his mind the day he met the baby. Men tend to become fathers the day they meet the baby whereas we become mothers the day we fall pregnant. And his own parents and family would probably want to meet the baby too and in some cases they could become quite possessive.

If you were going down that route, I would highly recommend setting the rules upfront and have solicitors involved to record everything.

Lots to think about 😊

pickle162 · 03/06/2017 09:48

There are definitely positives @PhoenixMama like you can have sex whole of fertile period rather than the one try once a month but like the others said it's far more complicated.
I would look into how much having a solicitor write up an agreement so you set boundaries as to what's going to happen and if any clauses
Only you know what is right for you. I'd thought about my friends son before (he's about my age) being the donor but they are like my extended family so would have been lovely that it's family really was it's family but think it would have seemed more like a the dad/donor didn't want them more so than an anonymous donor and would have put him in a difficult decision

Did u speak to your clinic in the end about timings?

PhoenixMama · 03/06/2017 11:54

Pez to me a daddy is a person who raises you not the DNA. Just because you impregnate someone doesn't make you a father. Someone who consistently puts the child's needs (financial, physical, emotional, etc) above their own is a true parent.

There is a chance that when children of non- anonymous donors meet their donors at 18 they could develop

Pez82 · 03/06/2017 12:11

Sorry if I didn't convey it well. What I meant is that if your friend is still around in your life when the child is born it will be difficult to explain to the kid he is a 'donor' or just mummy's friend who helped her.
If he is still around the child will see him as his dad even if he doesn't raise him/her.
Which is why I said in my opinion the anonymous donation can only work if he then disappears from your life. Otherwise it isn't anonymous and your friend will be the official biological father, which can entail much more than 'he's helped mummy have you'. Even if they don't see each other often your friend will be the father, hence the important to agree before hand the conditions of your agreement.

PhoenixMama · 03/06/2017 12:25

Sorry sent too soon - cuddling dd & hit post by accident.

There's a chance that when our kids meet their donors they develop a relationship with them that spans the rest of their lives. This still won't be a father position but it could be a fatherly figure iykwim. Equally those of us who are single might meet someone magnificent who helps us raise our children and could become their fathers.

There are so many different ways the paths might divide that it's impossible to predict. My feeling with children is that the more people they have who love & cherish them the better.

I have a half sister who my mum put up for adoption & then found again when I was a teenager. She's part of our family now. She grew up knowing about her being adopted and is far more well rounded & grounded than me growing up in a traditional family! I She thinks this is because she knew the truth early & it was never a big deal.

I guess my point is that yes, this donor could decide to be in my child's life. Or his family could but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. It wouldn't necessarily be an easy thing either, but nothing related to
Parenting ever is lol.

Pickle - I would def do an agreement but I know from previous investigation that they're not legally binding; but they do show intent. This would protect him as well from me demanding child support as well.

Really helpful to hear your thoughts. I'm not decided either way yet but it's an interesting opportunity to consider!

kwick · 03/06/2017 14:07

snowdog I want to go with Spain (IVI) as the genetic background is similar to mine (I am half Spanish) and IVI has a very good rep.
The BMI bit is more to reduce risk of another MC and to have a healthier pregnancy. In my mind I have the summer to lose the weight and then I will start treatment again.

20.24

OP posts:
pickle162 · 03/06/2017 15:42

Kwick think what you are doing is really sensible, we will all put on weight WHEN we are pregnant so the healthier we are to begin with the better :) I too would want to go with a donor of similar backgrounds.

Nice to hear from you snowdog, best of luck with your treatment

Welcome @daphne5694 & @TinyPaws you've come to the right place, everyone is really supportive and usually one or other of us have done similar to someone else.
Don't know what I would have done without these girlies

@INeedNewShoes and @Pez82 (& @taydex, calz,hoping etc)
of course we want you to stay around, we need positive outcomes too. You girls are my inspiration that this actually works

@Munrowalker really hope this is your cycle!!!

TinyPaws · 03/06/2017 17:40

Thank you for the welcome everyone! It's been really nice reading about all your journeys.

Well my choose and book referral arrived today but when I went to book my appointment all the appointments were 10pm-midnight on a Sunday. Is this normal? Seems a bit weird to me so I think I'll give them a call tomorrow when phone lines open instead.

Had a lovely day out with the gf at a safari park. Lots of families with little kiddies there so feeling quite broody!

pickle162 · 03/06/2017 17:50

Suppose if NHS rather than private it's possible. This is what a lot of our services are doing to deal with waiting lists, our CT and MRI scans are often done in the middle of the night. But yeh give them a ring to discuss. How exciting :)

I'm writing my journal to help process what has been happening. I've only written like 10 pages over past 18/19 months of waiting but need to do something

TinyPaws · 03/06/2017 19:39

So I booked the weird timed "appointment" and it came up with this message.

"PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT AN APPOINTMENT, IT'S A REFERRAL REVIEW DATE SO PLEASE DO NOT ATTEND.
Your GP will now submit full details of your referral to the hospital for the consultant to assess. Once this assessment has taken place you will be contacted by the hospital with the outcome either by phone or by post, only then will you be offered an actual appointment.

Please note your partner must have attended for a Semenal Fluid Analysis prior to your appointment.
Failure to do this may result in your appointment being cancelled & re booked."

I have a feeling this is going to involve a whole lot of waiting.

pickle162 · 03/06/2017 19:55

Wtf?!? That's so Confusing??? Also Have they missed the memo that you/your partner are lacking in the sperm department
Would love to say this is the only waiting and wondering you'll have to do but it really does seem never ending

Bear1980 · 03/06/2017 20:48

20:45 on Saturday night and I am off to bed 😴 feeling a little low tonight and think I just need to sleep it off. Everything has just been so busy with work, clinic appointments and family / friends stuff over the last few weeks that I have hardly had a minute to think. Had my nephew for a sleepover last night and for most of today which was great but the house feels so quiet now that he has gone home. Anyway just wanted to vent and am sure I will feel better tomorrow ☺️

pickle162 · 03/06/2017 21:16

@Bear1980 it's such an emotional tiring journey, make sure you keep talking to us when your feeling low. Are you on injections this cycle? Enjoy your nice early night and you know where I am if you need anything xx

pickle162 · 04/06/2017 08:54

How you feeling this morning @Bear1980

Bear1980 · 04/06/2017 09:46

I'm alright thanks pickle feeling better this morning, waking up to the sun shining helps 😀. Not on injections so think it was just everything catching up with me last night

Karendvm · 04/06/2017 09:57

Hello. Step away for a few days and already on page 2 of a new thread!

Karen here, had 4 iuis with two miscarriages and and now 17 weeks along. Still like following everyone's journeys.

I do have a question: I had a total brain melt down yesterday and ate a small amount of goat cheese without thinking. Do you think I need to be worried? I am, of course. Stupid me. I've been so good about food and then just didn't even think.

pickle162 · 04/06/2017 10:24

Hi Karen wow 17 weeks how exciting!! No I think the reason for no goats cheese is because of unpasteurised and therefore more likely to contain certain bacterias, if your not poorly then all is well. Its one of those ones that low risk but advisable not to