Newly separated dad seeking guidance on childcare, maintenance and the house

[JKIWKX]

Newly separated as a Dad and just hoping for some guidance...

Recently separated from partner (not married) who we share a mortgage and 2 young children, I have moved 2 minutes down the road into my parents so have been able to still do school runs on a morning Mon-Fri and take them out on Sat or Sun.

Problem - I have requested 50/50 because I can accommodate these sleeping arrangements but she has stated she's only willing to allow the children to sleep at mine on a weekend to minimise disruption but i'd still have them 2 days during the week but must take them back to her for bed time. I pushed back on this because that doesn't seem fair. I was then willing to compromise on this arrangement for 12 months or so until I have a place of my own, on the basis that I privately give her monthly maintenance that would be reflective of 50/50 as on my days I am still financially responsible other than bed time. Is this unreasonable of me? Otherwise I can't help but feel she would likely receive several hundred more that I could use for saving for a property or treating the children.

I also don't believe she will want to sell the house we own for several months, if not longer which just slows down my need to find a permanent place to live, as well as her. I'm obviously still contributing 50% of the mortgage also

She's now applied to the CSA and I have filled in an expense form but it feels as though she's controlling the situation and I am having to just play to her tune...

Any advice/guidance on what I should do next? Is Mediation the only option?

I pay 50% of the mortgage currently and roughly 80% of all the bills as well as giving her a monthly top up on her salary to contribute to soft plays and just general costs for the children
I may be misunderstanding this, but it sounds like you are paying your share of the home’s bills, but no regular or set amount of child maintenance??? And what you are paying is for specific things like soft play?? Which will be why she contacted the cms.

No

OP there will be people on here that will blame you regardless. You could be amazing and perfect but it would still be your fault and mother is perfect, never made a mistake and is totally virtuous. If you want 50:50 it’s only maintenance related whereas your ex saying you do all midweek work but they must sleep at hers is nothing to do with money/ oh no it’s defo for the children, honest .Honestly I would disengage.

ultimately you both need to find a Way to co parent the best way,
that means
I) you have you own home where the children also live ( not a home a dads place they visit)
2) the shared care is a pattern that works for both of you ( 50:50 can and does work well in some cases. - usually where it’s locationaly close and parents can be fair and flexible especially as children grow up when they can come and go)
3) if you have to pay cms now, consider the current contribution to your household bills etc this might need to reduce
4) move back in if necessary to start to take back some elements of control if necessary
5) staying with your parents is not suitable long term. agree what to do with house - she either buys you out or it’s sold. Start that process
6) get the ball rolling re cao now! Children your ages can do 50:50 and starting sooner can help.
7) mediation may help
8) you can’t force her to work ft but that doesn’t mean you pick up the financial slack as a result of that,
9) keep a record of things that are said /agreed/disputed.
10) focus on children centric outcomes ( you and ex may disagree on these and it doesn’t automatically make one right the other wrong)
11) schedules can and do change as children grow and do clubs, sports, get friends etc

You are their dad. A loving one. Fight for that relationship

it’s child maintenance.

Thanks

I) you have you own home where the children also live ( not a home a dads place they visit)

This is what I will do once the house is sold
2) the shared care is a pattern that works for both of you ( 50:50 can and does work well in some cases. - usually where it’s locationaly close and parents can be fair and flexible especially as children grow up when they can come and go)

That’s my hope, I live 2 minutes walk from where she is now and for example I even finished work yesterday and took them to the park whilst ex was making their dinner so that’s how close I am to them locationally

3. if you have to pay cms now, consider the current contribution to your household bills etc this might need to reduce

completing the special expense form from the CMS which I’ll outline all the household bills etc.
4) move back in if necessary to start to take back some elements of control if necessary

i will do this only if she’s unwilling to sell the house or put it on the market within the next 4-6 months

5. staying with your parents is not suitable long term. agree what to do with house - she either buys you out or it’s sold. Start that process
6. get the ball rolling re cao now! Children your ages can do 50:50 and starting sooner can help.
7. mediation may help

mediations likely to be next step

8. you can’t force her to work ft but that doesn’t mean you pick up the financial slack as a result of that,
9. keep a record of things that are said /agreed/disputed.
10. focus on children centric outcomes ( you and ex may disagree on these and it doesn’t automatically make one right the other wrong)
11. schedules can and do change as children grow and do clubs, sports, get friends etc

OP, you don't have to justify yourself for anything. On MN, men have to justify for everything, women have to get empathy for the same.

You will most likely go to court. You will need to start mediation before you do, so you might as well start that process. However, if she's not willing to consider 50/50, you'll quickly know it won't go anywhere. Pick an accredited mediator so they can offer you the voucher scheme (up to £500 towards mediation after the initial meeting).

You don't need a solicitor for court. The starting point is in your favour. If there is nothing that can be evidenced that highlights concerns about you caring for your children, you'll automatically get 50/50 in court.

You need legal advice - but as a basic it should be :

• 50/50 childcare
• No CMS
• You dont pay her anything - you are responsible for kids when they are you with and her with her
• 50/50 split on assets (house etc)

Obviously if one of you as massive savings or pensions that would be a factor in the 50/50 split, but in principle that is fine.

Unless you have alcohol etc issues there should be no court that does not do 50/50. It sounds like you are being too soft/taken advantage of.

My tip would be to have a joint account that you both pay in the same (i.e. 100 a month) and that is used for uniforms, clothes, school trips etc. but not individual holidays or treats like a takeaway. The 100 is just a placeholder, need to work out what that needs to be.

Laughing at all these women saying the first few months of motherhood for her would of damaged her look on him for not stepping up, well clearly not to much as she lay down and made another baby with him ffs, this is her clearly trying to pull the shots, this is clearly about her having control and letting you know it to, cant stand a women who thinks she owns the kids and no one else, she wouldn't have them if it wasn't for op, so dont give up fighting op and tell her to start looking at somewhere to live as the house is going on the market, tell her if she wants cm you stop paying mortgage simple.

......tell her if she wants CM you stop paying mortgage simple......

I hope you don't work for the legal system @Babyghirl

No I dont, but how can he find a house for him and his kids when he is subbing her housing, dont come at me they are his kids he has to house them blah blah, he has to house them when he has them, the house needs to be sold for both party's to house the kids in their time.

@FloydPink Courts often do a 5:9 split over a 2 week period. It’s not always 50:50 as it can be disruptive to dc. Neither does she get to call the shots with the house. If it’s a joint asset it has to be sold but the needs of resident parent must be taken into account. Not moving on deprives the op of his money. Money from the house depends on who has contributed to the house and whose it is. The couple aren’t married and this means pensions might not be in the mix either.

Wouldn’t it be fairer on the kids to have them on weekends or a couple of nights in a 7 day period and visit after school in the week then go home whilst you are living with your parents? Then when you have a place of your own then go for 50/50. Stability for the kids is most important not both parents trying to have the children more to help with the financial side of it

Tbh I think you signed the death warrant on your relationship by living with your parents when your first baby arrived.

I never dislike my husband more than when we've been staying with my in-laws for more than a few days. He reverts to helpless, stroppy teenager mode doing nothing, and I end up doing all the work for our children while being implicitly criticised by my MIL, who is somewhat of a control freak and likes everything done her way and doesn't understand why anyone might like to do things differently.

If we'd been living with them when I was trying to navigate being a first time parent with a partner who wasn't stepping up (and MIL making excuses about it being so hard for HIM!), I have very little doubt that our relationship would have been over before our baby's first birthday.

I'm sorry for you both tbh. But sorrier for your ex. Did you ever try to listen to her, really listen, before you walked out on the relationship? Of course no one should stay in a relationship that's not working for them, but personally I think, when you have children, you owe to their other parent to at least listen to and try to understand their point of view before throwing in the towel.

I also don't believe she will want to sell the house we own for several months, if not longer which just slows down my need to find a permanent place to live, as well as her. I'm obviously still contributing 50% of the mortgage also

What's the plan for when the house is sold? Can she afford to buy or rent somewhere locally for her and the children?

Do her family also live locally to you? If not, why are you assuming that she'll necessarily remain living near you and your parents to enable 50/50 rather than moving closer to, say, her own family? Would you be prepared to be the day-to-day parent for your kids if she did want to move, so you could argue that she should only have EOW and holidays?

Post-split life has to work for both of you.

Her family and my family are both less than 2 minutes from the family home.

Awkward. Sounds like you're all going to be seeing rather a lot of each other.

@Coconutter24No. The routine of dc should not be messed about with variations to their arrangements. The house should be sold and both parents agree on a workable arrangement for dc that’s not short term. Dc are not a cake to be sliced periodically.

The house should be sold and both parents agree on a workable arrangement for dc that’s not short term

Well yes obviously that’s what should happen

Closing this now.

mods please close thank you

You can't stop people from posting @JKIWKX