Page 4 | Newly separated dad seeking guidance on childcare, maintenance and the house

JKIWKX · 2026-05-08T20:23:30+00:00

Newly separated as a Dad and just hoping for some guidance... Recently separated from partner (not married) who we share a mortgage and 2 young children, I have moved 2 minutes down the road into my parents so have been able to still do school runs on a morning Mon-Fri and take them out on Sat or Sun. Problem - I have requested 50/50 because I can accommodate these sleeping arrangements but she has stated she's only willing to allow the children to sleep at mine on a weekend to minimise disruption but i'd still have them 2 days during the week but must take them back to her for bed time. I pushed back on this because that doesn't seem fair. I was then willing to compromise on this arrangement for 12 months or so until I have a place of my own, on the basis that I privately give her monthly maintenance that would be reflective of 50/50 as on my days I am still financially responsible other than bed time. Is this unreasonable of me? Otherwise I can't help but feel she would likely receive several hundred more that I could use for saving for a property or treating the children. I also don't believe she will want to sell the house we own for several months, if not longer which just slows down my need to find a permanent place to live, as well as her. I'm obviously still contributing 50% of the mortgage also She's now applied to the CSA and I have filled in an expense form but it feels as though she's controlling the situation and I am having to just play to her tune... Any advice/guidance on what I should do next? Is Mediation the only option?

cadburyegg · 08/05/2026 23:19

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:12

Obviously these events weren’t linear

i worked nights for 6 months but not for the last 3 years which is when the relationship went sour

Edited

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Okay, but your first post makes it sound like you did that for 4 years. If you are going to court, it’s important you iron out what the arrangements actually were. Like I said, someone I know successfully managed to argue her exh did very little parenting so he wasn’t successful in getting 50/50. If you can prove or argue otherwise then you have a chance of getting what you want.

chickenwings2 · 08/05/2026 23:19

Push for your 50/50 kids will adapt well and keep it respectful

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2026 23:19

Many children can and do do 50:50 at those ages and are fine too

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2026 23:20

He had a good chance of 50:50 if he can demonstrate he can do it NOW irrespective of past

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:22

Lavender14 · 08/05/2026 23:17

This is difficult op but honestly I think your kids are still very young so I think splitting their week 5050 between two houses is probably a bit much at that age. You need to focus your decisions around what is the least disruption for the kids at least initially, as opposed to what you want. And I totally get how hard that is to do.

I wouldn't automatically assume she's trying to do you out of money. My neice and nephew do a 5050 split and both have had serious issues with anxiety around that and it had to be changed. Through my job I've seen a lot of courts having to reduce down from 5050 for kids around your kids ages due to very young kids not coping well with that arrangement. You say young kids are very resilient and they are in many ways but they do very well with routine and stability, that's actually key at that age.

I think if you are able to collect them, spend time with them and be involved in the evening for their routines but them have more consistency with where they're sleeping at least until they're a bit bigger that would probably be better for them and you can build on that at their pace and work up to 5050.

Mediation is probably a good option for you both to tease these issues out and your kids need to be centered rather than your want to have access to your kids. Equally it's silly to begrudge paying maintenance as long as that maintenance is being spent on your kids. It would be coming out of your pocket either way as they needed things. This again could be mediated between you. She thinks you've walked out and maybe wasn't expecting it so she was right to go to cms in that scenario. Through mediation maybe you can agree certain costs and have a different payment agreement that you both feel is fair.

I'd also say that you mentioned you have always been an involved dad, but in the same breath say you took a few months to step up. You were overwhelmed. You lacked confidence. Do you really think she wasn't feeling that way? Women aren't just innately excellent parents we have to figure it all out just the same as dad's do but socially we aren't given the luxury of a grace period to panic. It's not remotely surprising that she resented you for leaving her on her own in that moment when she was at her most vulnerable. You let her down and you're now blaming her for reacting to that by pushing you aside. You are not taking proper accountability from what I'm reading.

No wonder she probably doesn't trust you. If you go through mediation I think you're going to need to do a lot of listening to her concerns and not minimise them because she's not saying anything unreasonable to me. It's also quite unfair to suggest the kids are sleeping worse because she's the one there on her own. The kids are probably sleeping worse because they'll know their parent is gone, they know their other parent is upset and emotions are running high. If you're only newly seperated it's unfair to put that on her.

Having kids is super tough on any relationship so I do empathise but how you cope is on you.

Thanks

Just for context, when I say I took a while to step up, that doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything. I was just not as hands on as I am now and part of that was because we were living in my parents house (waiting for ours to be built) and I would watch and learn from my own mum & dad where as if they weren’t there, I’d of had to just take the plunge on more tasks. I’ve accepted to her that I probably should’ve done more but I can’t change what happened… I since have proven to be very hands on

OP posts:

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:24

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2026 23:18

See a solicitor op, start ball rolling of child arrangements order and house sake and if necessary move bank in !

Thanks for your posts, means alot

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Lavender14 · 08/05/2026 23:26

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:22

Thanks

Just for context, when I say I took a while to step up, that doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything. I was just not as hands on as I am now and part of that was because we were living in my parents house (waiting for ours to be built) and I would watch and learn from my own mum & dad where as if they weren’t there, I’d of had to just take the plunge on more tasks. I’ve accepted to her that I probably should’ve done more but I can’t change what happened… I since have proven to be very hands on

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Which is great, and it's good that you've stepped up and become more confident as a dad. But it doesn't undo the damage that can create in a relationship early on. I know when I had a child I was not prepared for how intense it would be and how vulnerable I would feel so it makes sense that men won't fully maybe grasp that experience for a woman given they aren't going through it themselves. But it's tough and damage done maybe was harder to recover from. Its also often hormones that lead to women really not wanting physical intimacy after birth, it's super common.

Jk987 · 08/05/2026 23:27

It’s what’s best emotionally for the children. That’s what is most important, not money, convenience or anything else. They just want predictably and stability and if that means weekdays with Mum so be it. Do what makes the children happy whatever that is.

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:32

Lavender14 · 08/05/2026 23:26

Which is great, and it's good that you've stepped up and become more confident as a dad. But it doesn't undo the damage that can create in a relationship early on. I know when I had a child I was not prepared for how intense it would be and how vulnerable I would feel so it makes sense that men won't fully maybe grasp that experience for a woman given they aren't going through it themselves. But it's tough and damage done maybe was harder to recover from. Its also often hormones that lead to women really not wanting physical intimacy after birth, it's super common.

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whilst I agree it doesn’t reverse any damage done, it’s very unfair to hold that grudge against someone for 3 following years and therefore have to try move past it and see the change and father I am today.

Completely accept the changes after birth and I did say this to her multiple times about there not being any pressure or expectations. All I asked for was to feel wanted as that has such a benefit to the atmosphere in a family household, is that fair to say?

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usedtobeaylis · 08/05/2026 23:33

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 22:59

I only took a few months to step up on our first child.

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I don't want to be harsh but a few months for a first time mother is an interminably long time.

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:36

usedtobeaylis · 08/05/2026 23:33

I don't want to be harsh but a few months for a first time mother is an interminably long time.

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I’m the father.

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usedtobeaylis · 08/05/2026 23:36

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:36

I’m the father.

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I was referring to her. To you it was only a few months, to her it was a big chunk of her first time being a mother.

SwirlingAroundSleep · 08/05/2026 23:40

FYI court applications cost a few hundred pounds. You don’t need an expensive solicitor.

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:40

usedtobeaylis · 08/05/2026 23:36

I was referring to her. To you it was only a few months, to her it was a big chunk of her first time being a mother.

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Agreed and I’ve accepted this but I cannot turn the clock back. We then had a second child 14 months later and I was completely different as I had so much more confidence as a Dad to a newborn. I wish I knew what I know now for the first 3 months of our first child

OP posts:

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:41

SwirlingAroundSleep · 08/05/2026 23:40

FYI court applications cost a few hundred pounds. You don’t need an expensive solicitor.

Thank you.

OP posts:

jetlag92 · 08/05/2026 23:42

@JKIWKX you are not posting as a man

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:43

jetlag92 · 08/05/2026 23:42

@JKIWKX you are not posting as a man

Sorry?

OP posts:

ManufacturedConcerns · 08/05/2026 23:48

@JKIWKX whilst i think it's terrible that you didn't step up immediately, that's in the past and can't be changed.

It sounds like you've been hands on since then. I'm not sure how I feel about 50/50 when the children are still so young, but that's because I know it wouldn't have worked for my DC. Maybe it would for yours.

I think the CMS using number of overnights as a calculation point can be a flaw as it seems to be in your case. If you're doing everything other than bed, then clearly you're taking on most of the cost of that particular day. Them sleeping at their mum's house isn't going to cost much. Obviously they need beds etc, but it sounds like you can also provide those at your house. I think it's tricky and not one size fits all.

Original poster

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 23:55

ManufacturedConcerns · 08/05/2026 23:48

@JKIWKX whilst i think it's terrible that you didn't step up immediately, that's in the past and can't be changed.

It sounds like you've been hands on since then. I'm not sure how I feel about 50/50 when the children are still so young, but that's because I know it wouldn't have worked for my DC. Maybe it would for yours.

I think the CMS using number of overnights as a calculation point can be a flaw as it seems to be in your case. If you're doing everything other than bed, then clearly you're taking on most of the cost of that particular day. Them sleeping at their mum's house isn't going to cost much. Obviously they need beds etc, but it sounds like you can also provide those at your house. I think it's tricky and not one size fits all.

Appreciate your opinion. Unfortunately not all men are born with an instinct of how to care for a newborn baby and just like a mother, can be a bit of a rabbit in the headlights. I feel your version of not stepping up may be someone who does absolutely nothing and offers no support, that wasn’t the case here. I just wasn’t as confident or assured when it came to certain things. Either way I’ve accepted I could’ve been better.

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ManufacturedConcerns · 09/05/2026 00:32

Not all mums are born with those instincts either though. And yet I bet your ex didn't have time to be less confident or assured than she is now. Because the baby needed looking after. I remember being absolutely terrified when I. But home from hospital with DS1. Id barely even held a baby before, let alone been in charge of keeping one alive! Yet I'd never say I "didn't step up" just that I was scared and worried and yes, like a rabbit in the headlights.
Maybe you didn't do "your fair share" but you were the one who used the phrase "didn't step up" so I was just using your terminology.

BrokenWingsCantFly · 09/05/2026 00:39

Lavender14 · 08/05/2026 23:26

Which is great, and it's good that you've stepped up and become more confident as a dad. But it doesn't undo the damage that can create in a relationship early on. I know when I had a child I was not prepared for how intense it would be and how vulnerable I would feel so it makes sense that men won't fully maybe grasp that experience for a woman given they aren't going through it themselves. But it's tough and damage done maybe was harder to recover from. Its also often hormones that lead to women really not wanting physical intimacy after birth, it's super common.

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He probably has realised the damage caused in those early months was the start of the ex pushing away. Which is why he himself has already give this as the reason for the start of the decline.

He can't change the past, he admitted that was a mistake, but that was for the 1st few months of the 1st born life. There has been another child and 3 years since then where he has been an active parent. Also those early months the ex wasn't going it alone as she had the OPs parents helping. Which is more than most 2 full on parents have.

Either way, what is your point? The OP struggled those 1st few months so that means her should be in an affection free relationship for the rest of his life as punishment? He isn't asking validation for leaving, he is asking what are the best steps now. 3 years with no cuddles to watch tv even is a relationship without the relationship part.

If a woman came here saying she struggled the 1st few months having her child, but hasn't been doing her fare share since, but 3 years in there was no affection. People would be telling her life is too short and that isn't a relationship.

OP well done on realising your mistakes before it was too late and you got into a pattern of being hands off. You sound like a great parent now. The ex happy for you to do all the care on those extra days and only wanting them there to actually sleep, sounds like she got 1 eye on your child maintenance and the other on the benefits. If you really do want proper 50/50 you need to get that in place now. They are a good age to be adaptable to it. It will be harder if you wait months, years to get the house sold and set yourself up to then change the routine. She would also then be able to argue that she has been doing it all since you split so don't want to change now as they got use to the new normal

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/05/2026 00:45

Why didn't you get married @JKIWKX?

UraniumFlowerpot · 09/05/2026 01:44

JKIWKX · 08/05/2026 22:59

I only took a few months to step up on our first child.

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Oh well that’s alright then, everyone knows the first few months as a new mum are an absolute breeze, newborns don’t need much do they?

I know you came for practical advice, and you have received it. I believe that you have stepped up well since this early phase, that’s great. I also think you are massively underestimating just how bad “taking time to step up as a new dad” actually is. It’s a very serious failure at a crucial time and you have to take responsibility for the likely harm it caused for your ex. I would strongly advise you to reflect and make her a proper heartfelt apology for that time. Your way of writing on the topic suggest that you have not really understood.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/05/2026 01:48

Your way of writing on the topic suggests that you have not really understood

Not to mention that go-to of the poster who doesn't like the answers he's getting: "I'm going to ask for my thread to be deleted".

Cocoa174 · 09/05/2026 02:04

Have you left your partner for someone else?