Newly separated dad seeking guidance on childcare, maintenance and the house

[JKIWKX]

Newly separated as a Dad and just hoping for some guidance...

Recently separated from partner (not married) who we share a mortgage and 2 young children, I have moved 2 minutes down the road into my parents so have been able to still do school runs on a morning Mon-Fri and take them out on Sat or Sun.

Problem - I have requested 50/50 because I can accommodate these sleeping arrangements but she has stated she's only willing to allow the children to sleep at mine on a weekend to minimise disruption but i'd still have them 2 days during the week but must take them back to her for bed time. I pushed back on this because that doesn't seem fair. I was then willing to compromise on this arrangement for 12 months or so until I have a place of my own, on the basis that I privately give her monthly maintenance that would be reflective of 50/50 as on my days I am still financially responsible other than bed time. Is this unreasonable of me? Otherwise I can't help but feel she would likely receive several hundred more that I could use for saving for a property or treating the children.

I also don't believe she will want to sell the house we own for several months, if not longer which just slows down my need to find a permanent place to live, as well as her. I'm obviously still contributing 50% of the mortgage also

She's now applied to the CSA and I have filled in an expense form but it feels as though she's controlling the situation and I am having to just play to her tune...

Any advice/guidance on what I should do next? Is Mediation the only option?

Couldn’t be more wrong.

Any solid relationship should consist of affection and that can be as little as a kiss before bed or a cuddle on the sofa….

Can you get bunkbeds suitable for such young children? I thought they were usually from aged 7 up.

I only took a few months to step up on our first child.

Oh dear, you sound completely out of touch. By your own admission you were working late a lot and she was at home looking after the kids all day plus working some evenings? I’m not surprised she just wanted to go to bed!!!

Yes her goal is financial. Read a few threads on here the default is to screw the man for as much as possible and also restrict access to maximise child maintenance.

The issue with having the children then taking them back for bedtime could end up confusing them & also you would be paying for all care related things that day.

If you are capable of having them overnight thaen its probably in the childrens best interests to start a routine now that will be the long term norm so its routine by the time school is added in a few months.

not all dads want to be as involved so good on you & make sure you get 50/50. That being said I think you do need to agree to get the house on the market but also ensure she does have enough to pay the bills and care for the children in her time

Yeah there’s nothing more appealing or sexy for a woman who has been looking after toddlers all
day, than feeling obliged to service her man who requires a kiss or a cuddle. Good men attract affection to them. Bad men feel entitled to it.

So, she looked after them all day while you worked then you came home and put the kids to bed while she worked in the evenings? To me this sounds like she did the lion’s share, it’s not an even distribution of duties.

Wraparound care which is only available until 4.30 isn’t particularly helpful to working parents, most full timers finish at 5 or later. Have you actually discussed childcare arrangements, what does she think of the 3 year old doing long hours in childcare, does the wraparound club even have space? The after school club at my kids school has a 2 year waiting list.

Her earning capacity is much reduced because it sounds like she was very part time when the kids were small enabling you to build your career and earn more. Is it even an option for her to work more hours, not all workplaces are able to offer more hours at the moment.

I am not taking your ex’s side but you seem to think that this should be all very simple and easy to sort out but the reality is that things are more nuanced than you are aware. And you do seem to have a lack of awareness of many situations. Your ex did the lion’s share of the parenting so you may not be successful in getting 50/50 if she can argue that it’s not in their best interests.

I was working from home every day and doing my best to supporther by stepping away from work throughout the day so she could go to the gym and have a break/breather. I was then going to work once the baby was asleep on a late evening and coming home at 3am to then get up and go back to work for 9am.

Bunk beds are not safe for children of that age. They aren't recommended because if safety issues. I wouldn't put a child on the top bunk before they were 6.

So your ex was on her own, looking after the first baby entirely on her own.
For several months.

She was also working outside the home, in the evenings.

I bet she has been waking up in the night, every night, for as long as the girls have been around.

Let me guess who has been doing the housework.

She must be exhausted.

And here you are, expecting affection and sex.

she has already put them into wraparound care several days per week and they offer it until 5:30 if needed.

We very much split duties, every morning I woke up with the children so she could stay in bed and on weekends I would take them out to give her time to herself.

The one duty she managed that I didn’t was washing clothes which I appreciate with children is a non stop task! Everything else was very much shared.

It’s a bunk bed designed for toddlers, hence it being much lower in height.

Your posts don’t really make sense because in one post you sounded put out by not getting a cuddle/kiss on the sofa before bed. The next post you’re saying you weren’t home til 3am so surely you weren’t expecting cuddles then because your ex would have been asleep? You also say you worked from home but then “came home” at 3am. Lots of inconsistencies in your story, I’m afraid a court will see right through them.

I’d suggest independent legal advice / reading up on it properly. Courts will largely care about what happens next / future. If you can genuinely facilitate 50:50 focus on showing this. Get your bunk beds and work towards a set schedule. I’d say mon/tues parent A and Weds / thurs parent b. Then every other weekend.

Money wise, im not 100% sure, I don’t think I’d be paying all that you are. I’d look at half mortgage and some maintenance (can use on line cms calculator). Just while it’s not balanced, if you move to 50:50, no payment due! I’d be prioritising child arrangements over everything else…

So to correct your post…

She wasn’t on her own, she was living with me and my parents who also did a lot of helping both of us out.

She was working 1 evening but that was whilst she was only working twice per week.

we shared the wake ups in the night

Housework was predominately me

Never said I expected sex…. Maybe it’s normal in a relationship to expect absolutely zero affection as a couple… no cuddling or anything… that sounds lovely 🤦🏻‍♂️

Lots of inconsistencies in your story, I’m afraid a court will see right through them

Yes.
He won't find out, though, as he says he can't afford to go to court.

Oh well.

Obviously these events weren’t linear

i worked nights for 6 months but not for the last 3 years which is when the relationship went sour

You’re still not getting it, she did the lion’s share of parenting during the day - and at night too, as you say they don’t sleep well and so she did the night duties too. You getting up with them in the morning and taking them out at the weekend doesn’t change that.

I think I’d now prefer a moderator to close this thread. What started out as me just asking for guidance has turned into something else.

thanks to those who provided helpful posts, it’s really appreciated.

Just your reading comprehension trying to find fault.

he said he worked from home during the day & took breaks to care for the kids. Then physically went to work in the evening cos he was doing extra hours. Home late and then up again for work.

this thread started well but now people are just trying to pick fault with the poor bloke who is asking for advice not judgement on his actions

Reasons for relationship breakup are irrelevant

op ex hasnt sacrificed long term earning as kids are only 3/4 !

op ex hasnt supported op to build a career at her sacrifice as the kids are young! Op ex can work full time.

ops ex is totally unreasonable to expect op to move out, stay at parents, not have his own children 50:50 or midweek overnights ( she wants him to have them after school and evening but sleep at hers so she gets maintenance based on nights), expect op to pay 50% of mortgage and 80% bills AND now cms too

she wants it all in her terms and op needs to wise up and make a stand now

I said we both did the night duties.

thanks though

This is difficult op but honestly I think your kids are still very young so I think splitting their week 5050 between two houses is probably a bit much at that age. You need to focus your decisions around what is the least disruption for the kids at least initially, as opposed to what you want. And I totally get how hard that is to do.

I wouldn't automatically assume she's trying to do you out of money. My neice and nephew do a 5050 split and both have had serious issues with anxiety around that and it had to be changed. Through my job I've seen a lot of courts having to reduce down from 5050 for kids around your kids ages due to very young kids not coping well with that arrangement. You say young kids are very resilient and they are in many ways but they do very well with routine and stability, that's actually key at that age.

I think if you are able to collect them, spend time with them and be involved in the evening for their routines but them have more consistency with where they're sleeping at least until they're a bit bigger that would probably be better for them and you can build on that at their pace and work up to 5050.

Mediation is probably a good option for you both to tease these issues out and your kids need to be centered rather than your want to have access to your kids. Equally it's silly to begrudge paying maintenance as long as that maintenance is being spent on your kids. It would be coming out of your pocket either way as they needed things. This again could be mediated between you. She thinks you've walked out and maybe wasn't expecting it so she was right to go to cms in that scenario. Through mediation maybe you can agree certain costs and have a different payment agreement that you both feel is fair.

I'd also say that you mentioned you have always been an involved dad, but in the same breath say you took a few months to step up. You were overwhelmed. You lacked confidence. Do you really think she wasn't feeling that way? Women aren't just innately excellent parents we have to figure it all out just the same as dad's do but socially we aren't given the luxury of a grace period to panic. It's not remotely surprising that she resented you for leaving her on her own in that moment when she was at her most vulnerable. You let her down and you're now blaming her for reacting to that by pushing you aside. You are not taking proper accountability from what I'm reading.

No wonder she probably doesn't trust you. If you go through mediation I think you're going to need to do a lot of listening to her concerns and not minimise them because she's not saying anything unreasonable to me. It's also quite unfair to suggest the kids are sleeping worse because she's the one there on her own. The kids are probably sleeping worse because they'll know their parent is gone, they know their other parent is upset and emotions are running high. If you're only newly seperated it's unfair to put that on her.

Having kids is super tough on any relationship so I do empathise but how you cope is on you.

Take that early advice some good stuff in there. Sorry the vultures seems to have got hungry and decided to feast on you. Think you need to report the thread and ask the mods to close.

I’d say come back and keep us updated but well…. good luck!!

See a solicitor op, start ball rolling of child arrangements order and house sake and if necessary move bank in !