Newly separated dad seeking guidance on childcare, maintenance and the house

[JKIWKX]

Newly separated as a Dad and just hoping for some guidance...

Recently separated from partner (not married) who we share a mortgage and 2 young children, I have moved 2 minutes down the road into my parents so have been able to still do school runs on a morning Mon-Fri and take them out on Sat or Sun.

Problem - I have requested 50/50 because I can accommodate these sleeping arrangements but she has stated she's only willing to allow the children to sleep at mine on a weekend to minimise disruption but i'd still have them 2 days during the week but must take them back to her for bed time. I pushed back on this because that doesn't seem fair. I was then willing to compromise on this arrangement for 12 months or so until I have a place of my own, on the basis that I privately give her monthly maintenance that would be reflective of 50/50 as on my days I am still financially responsible other than bed time. Is this unreasonable of me? Otherwise I can't help but feel she would likely receive several hundred more that I could use for saving for a property or treating the children.

I also don't believe she will want to sell the house we own for several months, if not longer which just slows down my need to find a permanent place to live, as well as her. I'm obviously still contributing 50% of the mortgage also

She's now applied to the CSA and I have filled in an expense form but it feels as though she's controlling the situation and I am having to just play to her tune...

Any advice/guidance on what I should do next? Is Mediation the only option?

The CMS have. I’ve had a letter following her application to them so I have to list my expenses such as the share of the mortgage etc and they will determine how much I have to give her.

She is being very unreasonable

why did you move out ?

if she won’t agree you need to seek urgent legal advise and request 50:50 via a child arrangements order. No reason they can’t stay with you at grandparents ( then in your own property). she’s unreasonable to file cms while youre also paying 50% towards mortgage etc.
I think you need legsl
advice as she’s going to need to buy you out if the house or you’re going to need to sell

I think you are talking about child support, not maintenance OP?

Its called child maintenance. It's even sorted out by the Child Maintenance Service.

You need to ask her to do mediation. If your still not satisfied you need to go to court.

I think consistency is best. It would be better to do set days so you know who's responsible for what.

You Mon and Tues
Her Wed and Thurs
Alternate Fri - Sun

I dont think 50:50 is unreasonable if you can facilitate it.

However, i do think you need to be mindful that your kids are not impacted by you limiting you financial contribution. You need to keep your kids best interests at the centre of your decision making.

Honestly I think you should move back in to your house. She could drag her heels for years living it up at your expense.

Move in, produce a couple of 5050 rosters and let her choose one. Then stick to it 100%. If possible the parent that isn't in charge could stay elsewhere to make life easier, then swap, etc.

Remember you have exactly equal rights to see, spend time with and make decisions for your children. She does not have authority to say you can't see them, or only on certain days. That's not how it works!

Stand up to her. Stand up for your children.

What was your split of parenting duties like before you separated? If it was anything less than 50/50 then the courts may not rule in your favour. Someone I know pushed back on 50/50 because her daughter’s dad had never even given her a bath, and won. Did your ex take a back seat at work due to the children, did she ever give up work, what is her earning capacity, does she earn substantially less than you? What are the current childcare arrangements, are you able to facilitate 50/50 ie pick the children up from childcare/school to do this? I am asking these questions because this is the kind of thing a mediator or judge would look at. 50/50 is more common now but it’s not necessarily a done deal if one parent can come up with strong arguments why it isn’t a good idea.

Ah right, ok. So that is money for the children, not the ex. That will usually stop if you do 50/50 OP but it will depend on your individual finances. As others have said, you need legal advice.

Absolutely this. Its not too expensive to go to court. You can file the application yourself for a few hundred quid then represent yourself. Assuming you are a safe and involved parent there is no reason a court wouldn't consider 50/50 at which point there would be no child maintenance payment to make.

Instruct a mediator asap before the status quo is in her favour.

Also dont bury your head in the sand re the finances. She needs to agree a time frame for buying you out or selling.

Relationship just became horrible.

since having our first child 4 years ago, she completely pushed me to one side because I was overwhelmed and took a while to step up as a first time Dad. This then lead to zero affection or care for my feelings. In the end I lost the love and was graduallyworn down and therefore was plotting my exit for probably 2 years but didn’t want to act on it due to the children. One morning it blew up and I just decided enough was enough. Got accused of walking out on the children in which I replied No, I walked out on you. Been tough I have to say

It doesn't really matter why the relationship broke down. You need to get it sorted now so that you can both move forward doing what's best for the children.

I think you are perhaps confused here?
In the UK, assuming that's where the OP is, and you are not, its called Child Maintenance.

Spousal Maintenance is not very common here, and definitely not when unmarried.

OP - It does sound as though there may be an element of financial wrangling here from your ex, it would be worth discussing it further with her and whether she has concerns, not just about CM from you, but how 50/50 might impact on her entitlements to child benefit and and UC, which she may be reliant on as well as her income for securing a mortgage.

Ultimately, you do need to consider what each of you need to both be able to house your children appropriately, and that includes not forcing a situation that means its untenable for one party to actually live!
And as you say, CM may still be payable anyway if there is a large disparity between incomes.

...........because I was overwhelmed and took a while to step up as a first time Dad

I assume the baby's mother didn't take a while to step up as a first time Mum?

This then lead to zero affection or care for my feelings

Oh dear. Did she stop having sex with you?

We split all duties, bed times, baths, etc. For the first 2 years I did all bed times as she worked evenings and then she began to work a Saturday on top of mon-fri so I would obviously have the kids on my own.

my salary is considerably more than hers but she has the room to work full time like I am as the children can attend wraparound care at school until 4:30 which is what it’s designed for, to support working parents.

I can always drop the kids to school as I do currently and I could pick up if needed but she does this due to finishing work at 2:30 currently

Do they have their own rooms at your parents? That’s the only reason I can think that it would be disruptive for them not to stay overnights, if they had to share a room with you or sleep in the living room on a blow up bed etc. If this isn’t the case then you need to seek legal advice asap, especially because of the house situation.

Let’s just say, every night for 3 years or so, she would just roll over and go to sleep without even a goodnight.

Her perspective on how you “took awhile to step up” may be different from yours, to the point where she may be able to successfully argue in court that you did not do much parenting. I am not saying this is the case, but if it is, you will have a harder time getting 50/50 if you are only now seeking this arrangement and do not do 50% of the parenting while you were together.

I have 2 girls aged 3 & 4 so I feel as though a nice bunk bed would be great for them and it would be in a separate room to me(they’ve constantly asked for a bunk bed but it wasn’t necessary at home)

I don't see that you're expecting anything unreasonable. Why not go to mediation and see exactly what it is she's asking for?

Why you split up is neither here nor there.

At 3&4, it is very unlikely to be in your children’s best interests to be coming and going all week.

what would be better eould be for them to stay in the family home and you and the ex to alternate who was staying there with them.

This can be expensive but it avoids all maintenance and also makes things much fairer in that both you and the mum can pursue their career and have a social life.

When you get settled in your own place you can discuss 50/50 but until then you need to step up financially and pay the CMS minimum, aside from the mortgage at the moment you basically have no expenses whilst your ex has mortgage and everything else. She can’t “save up” for anything as she needs to keep the show on the road.

I was present every day, I worked additional hours at night to increase earnings but naturally I was lacking confidence to be so hands on, which I could never be accused of now as I’ve always been an incredibly present Dad.

Let’s just say, every night for 3 years or so, she would just roll over and go to sleep without even a goodnight.

Not taking sides op, but if you said you took a while to step up then that means she had two young kids, was doing the lions share, working … when I used to get into bed I wanted to cry I was so exhausted. Men don’t understand this, that are bodies are broken and we need any sleep we can get.

Oh god, do you mean she didn’t put out when you wanted? Bevause that is very much how that post comes across. So basic, so grim.

chopping and changing which parent lives in the mortgaged property wouldn’t work, that would be confusing for the children as well as very unstable. I pay 50% of the mortgage currently and roughly 80% of all the bills as well as giving her a monthly top up on her salary to contribute to soft plays and just general costs for the children. By keeping the house neither of us will be able to fully separate and have our own stable homes for the children

Women are 'touched out' by babies, their bodies are taken over through pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. They don't need another demand on their body or attention. It's normal with small children. This has been a learning curve for you, OP but it literally has nothing to do with sorting out your childcare and finances going forward.