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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DD wants me to divorce DH

421 replies

NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:18

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

OP posts:
HardworkSendHelp · 01/02/2026 18:23

The 27 year old can keep her shoes in her own hall when she has her own house. I would be pissed off looking at shoes in my hall. OP just divorce the two of them. God love you working and not even allowed a bath. You seen every stuck in the middle.

Snappyg666 · 01/02/2026 18:24

Im team DH

AgentJohnson · 01/02/2026 18:28

Why are prioritising this man? Is your H being a knob the reason his son is not out to him? You are not in the middle of anything, sitting on the fence is a choice.

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:30

I do feel like I'm stuck in the middle. DH refuses to talk about it and goes nuclear over the smallest thing , for example yesterday he shouted at me because he needed soy sauce for a recipe and I had been to the shop and not got any - because I didn't know he needed it! To add, he was only cooking for himself and not me or DD, and ne never cooks for me.

OP posts:
spicycats · 01/02/2026 18:30

Your DD needs to put her damn shoes away
Your DH needs to stop complaining about you having a bath

Orangemintcream · 01/02/2026 18:31

Snappyg666 · 01/02/2026 18:24

Im team DH

Really ? He sounds awful and controlling.

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:31

AgentJohnson · 01/02/2026 18:28

Why are prioritising this man? Is your H being a knob the reason his son is not out to him? You are not in the middle of anything, sitting on the fence is a choice.

DS is not out because DH will go ballistic. He sometimes lacks empathy.

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 01/02/2026 18:31

NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:30

I do feel like I'm stuck in the middle. DH refuses to talk about it and goes nuclear over the smallest thing , for example yesterday he shouted at me because he needed soy sauce for a recipe and I had been to the shop and not got any - because I didn't know he needed it! To add, he was only cooking for himself and not me or DD, and ne never cooks for me.

That’s utterly unacceptable and he does sound awful and bordering on abusive.

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:32

And it will be my fault, according ti him everything is my fault

OP posts:
Iwontbethere · 01/02/2026 18:33

No man who goes nuclear, ballistic, shouts at people and is volatile should be married.
The man has everyone in the house living in fear.
Would you not rather be happy?

thesealion · 01/02/2026 18:34

your DD is right. Not because of the shoes, but because he’s a controlling homophobic bully

Ljzjta · 01/02/2026 18:34

Your daughter needs to put her shoes away! Shoes have a place and that’s not by the door. Could your DH be at the end of his tether with her? She’s 27 and perhaps should look to move out? There gets to a point in life where the kids should stand on their own to feet and move out!

Step5678 · 01/02/2026 18:35

So your husband sends emotionally abusive messages to your daughter, is apparently intolerant enough that your other child is afraid to "come out" to him, and he controls your use of the bath. What are his good qualities?

Igmum · 01/02/2026 18:36

Well I want to leave him on your behalf and I’ve only read your posts. Seriously he sounds awful. Do you really want to stay with him? It sounds like you have way bigger problems than shoes in the hallway.

Jumimo · 01/02/2026 18:36

I’d get rid of the husband if he told my daughter he is having nothing to do with her. He sounds like a knob.

Hearenese · 01/02/2026 18:37

I'm Team Abbey.

All shoes are kept by the door in our house. Who wants to be treading dog poo all through the rooms of the house?

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:37

Ljzjta · 01/02/2026 18:34

Your daughter needs to put her shoes away! Shoes have a place and that’s not by the door. Could your DH be at the end of his tether with her? She’s 27 and perhaps should look to move out? There gets to a point in life where the kids should stand on their own to feet and move out!

She is very untidy and really should do more around the house. The problem is that nothing is ever good enough for him. I stopped doing the dishwasher as he always moans I do it wrong and rearranges everything while muttering under his breath. She would love to have her own place, but with her mental health she is quite vulnerable although she is getting stronger.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:38

Step5678 · 01/02/2026 18:35

So your husband sends emotionally abusive messages to your daughter, is apparently intolerant enough that your other child is afraid to "come out" to him, and he controls your use of the bath. What are his good qualities?

To be honest, I'm trying to think of any! He can be funny and generous. But rarely to me, now I think about it.

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 01/02/2026 18:39

This is totally not about shoes.

JustAnotherWhinger · 01/02/2026 18:39

The shoes are an absolute red herring.

Your husband is horrendous. He's nasty and abusive. Shouting at you because you didn't get him and ingredient you didn't know he wanted, to cook for himself, is awful.

You should divorce him. Not simply because your DD wants you to but because you, your DD and your DS all deserve better.

oviraptor21 · 01/02/2026 18:40

She's right - you should divorce him.
But she needs to put her shoes away. If she needs a reminder (for what exactly?) then she should find another method.

AuntiePat21 · 01/02/2026 18:43

Who does he think he is dictating you can’t have visitors or a bath! You don’t have to live with a controlling dickhead who keeps going nuclear. You say he’s retired. Get rid of him before he gets sick and you become his full time carer.

As an aside get some shoe storage near the door.

Ponderingwindow · 01/02/2026 18:44

I have ASD. Shoes go by the door. You just have to set up a place where they actually belong.

This isn’t about the shoes though. This is about your husband verbally abusing you and your dd. This is about your husband being homophobic.

I begged my mother to leave my abusive father. I didn’t live with them. I got out as soon as I could. I came to her from a position of power, with money in my accounts ready to help her. She stayed. She asked me to stop asking. I think the stress of his abuse contributed to her relatively early death. I wish I still had her in my life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2026 18:46

This was and is nothing about shoes or where they are placed in the house.

And nothing you do is ever good enough for him either. He is a crap example of a stepfather to her and he is not much if anything of a H to you. Did you grow up seeing an abusive parent?.

What are you getting out of this relationship to your H now?. Nothing much from what I am reading in your posts. I would think work is a blessed relief for you because you are away from him in the daytime.

He is also selfish beyond belief. Why is he cooking for himself only and why was it apparently your fault that he did not have the sauce he needed for a meal he was cooking for himself?.

I would also think that he has a bath as and when he pleases. One rule for him and quite another for the rest of you.

What does your son think of him?. Is he ever at home?.

It appears you been around him so long that you've become inured to his abuses of you and in turn your son and daughter. Sitting on the fence is no longer an option.

ohyesido · 01/02/2026 18:49

You should leave him, how dare he make you feel uncomfortable about having a bath? From what you have described he is the one who has escalated the situation

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