DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

Why do you punctuate everything with a >? That's not a punctuation mark in English.

people who die before they become old and die of Natural causes

> born to live, live to die

That IS the sequence of events

living, it is better than the alternative

You ONLY need to divorce IF you wish to marry somebody.
> Separation IS the better option

So you fill a form in every so often, you tick the box right next to single - the married box. How big a deal is it

You are NOT livin together - you are livin your own lives (but you are technically married)
IS a divorce necessary, until you wish to marry somebody else ?

Are you, as a Christian, saying it is better to live than to die?

I thought that Christians thought they got to meet god and go to heaven when they die? My religious relatives couldn’t wait. They were counting the days (mind you for all their big talk I suspect they will have ended up somewhere a bit hotter if any of this is true).

(got to meet god and go to heaven when they die)
Only the good ones - the others go the other way
Bon Jovi would run there

Well this thread took an unwelcome turn.

I hope you're doing OK after digesting all of it yesterday, OP.

Living is better than the alternative. but your God is down with letting people die whilst they still have a life to live, surely if living is better than eternal life with God, he'd be keeping everyone alive!

I think a couple of posters took a wrong turn. 😁

It’s not nice when a thread gets de-railed but preaching on threads unless the OP is looking for religious guidance shouldn’t be done.

Legally and financially it is quite likely better for OP to divorce than separate.

Born to live, live to die
> die of Natural causes is natural
Where is the issue?

If nothin changes, everythin remains the same

Are there currently any issues?
Cross THAT bridge (better for OP to divorce than separate) when come to it
To separate IS buyin time
> ONLY need to divorce IF wanting to marry - is the OP in a position READY to marry - divorce is NOT needed at this time

So you're not allowed visitors to your house, What's he like when you want to visit friends or go out for an evening or weekend without him.

You ONLY need to divorce IF you have a replacement partner IN the wings who you ARE about to marry.
Separation IS a common thing - divorce IS the financial part ONLY
> Arguments sake - you DO divorce TOMORROW - signed and sealed, what are you goin to do?
Learn to live again, separate and find yourself
> Maybe you WILL remarry, maybe you won`t ?

Exactly this!

Thank you to all of you who gave sensible and helpful advice. I am thinking very carefully about next steps. The religious derail is really not helpful at all!

And to clear up a couple of misconceptions. DD doesn't work in a charity shop, she works for a charity. She doesn't have a girlfriend. And DH doesn't stop me having a bath, he just moans about it. I still go and do it.

But again, thank you all (apart from the eevangelicals) for your help and advice. I really appreciate it.

Move out and get your own nice little flat. They're all adults and you’re enabling their lack of responsibility for how they treat you and others.

Och ignore the fruit loops.

Not to excuse his behaviour at all but it sounds like your DH has a personality disorder called OCPD.

https://www.healthline.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder#symptoms

It might be wise to also do the freedom programme online so that you can see full effect of his behaviour towards you.

They can separate and not divorce but then what happens if she has an accident and they call her husband and he decides what treatment she gets or not?

Unless they divorce she can't release the money from the three properties to buy her own place. She'd be stuck with rental which would be economically plain daft.

You can NOT do EVERYTHIN all at once
> imagine tryin to eat an elephant (HUGE thing)
What would you do ?
> You WOULD make the elephant (HUGE thing) SMALLER
Cut it; elephant (HUGE thing) INTO smaller bite size pieces - legs, ears, trunk ...
When you HAVE eaten all of the pieces - you HAVE eaten the elephant (HUGE thing)
It is THAT simple
To your issue the pieces of the elephant include (but not limited to), somewhere to live, furniture, social ...
> First you need a place, somewhere to be your home
Charity shops ARE available to populate a home WITH furniture - cost effective
Decide the area you want to live - then work from there
> area you want to live - IS another elephant - eat that elephant
links to transport, services ...

What if she wins the lottery - husband IS entitled ... Lot of ifs, buts maybes ... That IS called life
> Everybody involved ARE adults

In an accident ... things CAN be resolved - are there ANY children IN the relationship involved?

This is just a startin point, guidance NOT an order, must do ...

For crying out loud, can't you write coherently?