DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

What is so very scary to you about leaving?.

Is it fear of him, fear of the unknown, potential money worries?. Have you known nothing else?. If you can talk about your fears then maybe we posters can go some way into alleviating those.

It's not easy to leave OP (he will not make the process of you divorcing him straight forward because he is abusive and will want to punish you further) but it is a damn sight harder and far more scary for you to stay with someone like your H. He will merely continue to destroy you and in turn your DC from the inside out.

Your husband is a nasty bully.
I bet everyone would be happier and relaxed if he didn't exist (in their home).
Many men are similar or like this.

And yet he hasn't chosen to get help for his mental health to ensure that everyone living with him doesn't suffer. No. He makes everyone suffer because he's a controlling cunt

Yes
Get rid of dh
Have a nice long bath with no one complainng

Obviously he is not going to somehow change and ‘calm down’. This is him, you must know that really after 20 years. Was he always like this?

Why? Genuine question?

The kids are grown , no broken home, no splitting custody or arranging visits or needing his approval for various choices.

Would you be ok financially? Do you earn enough to support yourself? Does your DD earn enough to support herself? Could you make it work together ( if that’s what you both want)?

Being alone? Just imagine being able to do so many things million of people take for granted… having a bath, watching what you want on telly, leaving a room, having shoes where you want them, talking to your son openly , anytime anywhere about his stuff.

You do not need this man, he just conditioned you to think you do.

I suppose I am worried about the disruption to us all and the change it will mean in lifestyle. I know I should think about that , but I was a single parent for 5 years before we met and married and I dont want to go back to worrying about money. I support DS at uni as well. I am on a very good wage (just shy of 6 figures) and we are mortgage free, but I worry about taking care of everyone.

Your DH is abusing you and your kids. There's no reason not to get out!

He is NOT an anxious person at all. He is a control freak with one rule for him and quite another for you people who he sees as serfs or someone to otherwise boss about.

I would think work is a blessed relief for you because you do not get shouted at by him there.

And do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. The past has gone never to return. Throwing more resource at this bad investment is a waste of time.

Why would he ? He doesn’t have to , as everything is his way , or he just berates and bullies everyone until they give in/go into hiding.

He’s not anxious. He’s a controlling bully.

I think your daughter would come on in leaps and bounds away from this awful man.
And she is also watching her mother being abused which is not good for see her future.
When you are retire, in 10 years time, you are going to end up being a carer to a nasty old man and your poor daughter won’t be far off 40 and God knows the impact on her by then.
I know there are comments about her moving out but I think there are special circumstances here. She’s been around this man most of her life and I’ll bet he wasn’t much different when she was a child.
Put it this way if you can remove yourself and your daughter from this nightmare of an atmosphere, you are investing in both of your futures. She will relax a little and see you do the same.
And you can help her build some independence.
I am probably about your age.
You do not want a situation where your daughter is in her 40’s, still at home, no life, watching her browbeaten, isolated mother being ruled by this awful man who isn’t her father. And clearly has never been any kind of father figure.
You can set yourself free, and her.
She can have a shoe rack by the door, you can have a bath, and people can come over and visit you both. It’s called leading a normal life.

This man is abusive. I really hope you gather the strength to separate from him.

Not only will you be happier, but I strongly suspect both your DC will have improved MH if their contact with DH is removed or limited .

Good luck 💐

He's not going to, you know. This is him. The only way he'll chill is if you grind up a pile of oxazepam and put it in his coffee. If he allows you to make coffee.

It's incredible that you're working and he will only cook for himself not for you or your daughter. Just what, other than one HELL of a controlled life, are you getting out of this marriage?

What does he do when you do something that doesn't fit his requirements?

Honestly the shoes thing would annoy me too but that's 1% of the problem here. The rest is him.

Lovely, if you take the plunge, scary as it is, you won't find that your life turns into icey loneliness. You'll find that you'll be free to breath fresh air for the first time in a very, very long time. It might take you a while to discover what you actually do like and don't like though, because I suspect you've not been allowed to have likes and dislikes. Only he has.

I really appreciate the support from you all and the different perspective. I guess I just got used to it being like this.

Boiled frog, @NewCyanFox

Hear hear. It’s wild how many are supporting the husband.

Her 27 year old daughter probably can’t afford to move out into her own place and a flatshare is often not suitable for ND women. Private renting is out of reach for a lot of singles and the last thing you want is her daughter to rush into a relationship with someone so she can move in with them, which is what I’ve seen with many adult children who are pushed out of their childhood home.

OP is just doing what any decent parent would do by supporting her ND daughter to live at home while working.

LTB but frankly if she goes out of the house without shoes she will work out pretty quickly she's forgotten them. Poor OP.

Im Team You. Literally everyone in your house is pathetic (yes, even your DD, i'm afraid). Kick them all out, sell the house, buy yourself a beautiful one bed flat with a luxury bathroom!

You absolutely have a life waiting for you with your daughter, just the two of you.
You are young enough to build a better future and help her build hers.

It is a tempting thought! Just me and the cat.

Is it, though? You are working full time, he is retired. I assume you pay the lion’s share of the bills. Financially you’ll be fine, emotionally you’ll be better off. I can’t see any down side to leaving him.

He's not really a keeper if this kind of thing happens a lot is he? So sorry OP.

Definitely divorce him. I think you will be happier.

Stop kicking the can down the road.

Do you still think your H should be taken care of?. He is not more important that your DC are. Your current H does not worry about taking care of you. The man cannot even be bothered to cook for you ever and moans about you having a bath.

What about the disruption to your lives in the here and now because of the abuse he metes out to you all?.

I daresay your DCs main concern is for you (and they) to be happy. They are not worried so much about a lifestyle you perhaps want to maintain. No one gives a shit about a lifestyle if things at home are intolerable due to abuse. Who is taking care of you because it s not your current H is it?. No he is abusing you and making you live under some arbitary rules he has made up.

Remember. You're worth SO MUCH more than this appalling neanderthal numbskull