DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

Some more examples - and Im not saying this for sympathy but to get it off my chest -

We're not allowed to put stainless steel saucepans in the dishwasher

Im not supposed to wash towels with other clothes

He has put a mark on the thermostat above which it must not go

He keeps telling me I'm lying when he asks me if DS is on drugs and I say no (DS isn't!) He asks this frequently.

There are more.

I would make an appointment with a solicitor and get a clear grasp on what the financial picture for you would be if you divorce. You need to think about the house, pensions, any joint savings and assets.

All the kids are adults so no worries about child support.

Sounds like based on your current job, and the fact that your DD is also working, and that DS is already 21 and almost out of education that you won’t have to ‘take care of everyone’ in the same way it felt when you were a single parent.

Get the solicitor/financial advise
Start looking at housing options
Get all your key documents squared away
Open your own bank account if you don’t have one already

OP I’ve been where you are. Where you can’t see it. And I’m sorry if some messages from other posters are making you feel like you should have seen this, but when you’re in it it can be impossible. You’re just trying to get through each day without a blow up.

but you are strong. You can do this. Look at your life and everything you have achieved - children who trust and confide in you, a beautiful home and a really good job. You can leave him. You can. You do not need him. And it may not be easy, but I do believe you will be a great deal happier even with a the turmoil and change. You can have a happy life. It doesn’t have to be like this. I believe in you, I’m willing you on to make the changes for you - you deserve happiness.

Have you joined the support thread for partners of people with ASD? Given there’s a lot of ND in your family, you are probably drawn to ND people and possibly ND yourself (hence not seeing this straight away as awful behaviour on your DH’s part) - and given your DH’s miserliness and rigidity and high likelihood of going ballistic if things aren’t exactly how he wants them or how he expected they would be whether or not he communicates these expectations to others, I would not be at all surprised if he didn’t have traits, or a personality type compulsive enough to provide similar challenges.

(I live in a very ND family and work with ND adults so am not just being an armchair diagnostician here)

Well done for the list. Copy and paste it into a doc on your drive. Add to it regularly as you remember things. Password protect it if you think he is savvy enough to access your drive. Show the list to your solicitor

It’s actually good for you to post it all on here. Not only it will make it more obvious seeing it all together, rather than little bits here and there, you can come back to this thread if your resolve falters and remind yourself exactly why you must leave. You deserve better than this. You are better than this.

This is helpful, thank you. To answer some questions. DD has a part-time job at a local charity. No declaration of trusts, I sold my house to put a deposit on this one and we rent out his old house. Both are in joint names.

Op

ph. What a tough situation to be in.

I wanted to send my love to tell you I’m thinking of you!

it will sort itself out. It will be what is meant to be ❤️

Is there room for a shoe rack in your hallway? That would solve that one. However your husband sounds like an arsehole. How long have you been married and what's your housing situation like?

If he’s retired why is he only cooking for his self and no one else?
He sounds absolutely awful, you’re better off without him

I must admit. Do you think she’s not confident because of him? Could he be the reason?

That's a good idea. I am pretty sure he is ND. My DS is also AuDHD and I wouldnt be surprised if I was too.

Hey Mumsnet you need a that’s an understatement button.

Because this is an understatement.

Thank you, @Orangemintcream

I think it depends on what you think is causing his unpleasantness because let’s face it that’s what you’re saying but then seem to think the issue is your DH and your DD.. people on here are, in general, quick to say LTB but do you think he’d be willing to do some marriage counselling and/or all of you some family therapy. He may actually not realise how he is being to you all and it depends if you think it’s worth giving that a chance before you give it all up. If you think there’s nothing left in the relationship then you may as well leave. Your daughter’s shoes are sort of separate. If there is nowhere to leave them in the hall then they should be in her room. Do you think your DH is neurodiverse and the control is because he needs his life like that. However your 27year old daughter doesn’t get the right to tell you how to live your life. I wonder whether she is saying this out of concern for you or because she doesn’t like the repercussions for not doing as she’s asked - that’s not clear from the post. Either way you need to action something as it doesn’t sound pleasant. Good luck x

We actually have one, but its full of hats and scarves. Married 20 years, mortgage free jointly owned house. We also let out a jointly owned house that was his and have an apartment abroad that we jointly own.

Honestly, I would like to try counselling first but he would never do it.

Some women just need to have a man, any man no matter how vile, rather than be on their own.

Counselling isn't advised when you're with an abuser
I'd forget that idea, imo

That makes it even better. He fucks off to his own house. You keep this house . Split the proceeds from the flat. Or give up the flat IF it guarantees less hassle and a quicker/less acrimonious divorce and you could manage financially otherwise. I know it’s not fair, but worth it for less solicitors fees and a quicker (hopefully hassle free) divorce.

Your DD has a point

Why are you with him?

For that reason alone, I would leave him. The shoes, the bath, all of that can be negotiated. Being so horrible your own DS is scared of coming out to him is something I could not live with.

OP, it sounds as if your husband is perhaps going through some things. He is unable to accept the reasonable adjustments your daughter needs in order to remember certain things, and as long as her shoes aren't lying in a messy way, ie tucked away against the wall or something, then where is the issue?
As a mother of neurodivergent children, i know how hard my kids have to work just to try to remember things that my husband often takes for granted as they come easy to him. i am also neurospicy, so he is very well versed in the needs of the house but I understand how things can also grate on him too, however he would never treat us this way.

Its quite a serious thing though that he feels he can speak to your daughter that way and that he is unable to accept your son for who they are. Perhaps it is time to have a frank conversation with him and if things dont improve then maybe separation is best. You also need to think about your own mental health and this isnt healthy for you either.

Doesn't stop him being an unpleasant git though

I feel sorry for you. But you need to put your suicidal child before this man. What message are you sending your ds??

I really hope you've changed your mind now. I'm only a few posts into this thread, and have read from the OP:
He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining
(You will have seen that bit on the OP, presumably)

...goes nuclear over the smallest thing , for example yesterday he shouted at me because he needed soy sauce for a recipe and I had been to the shop and not got any - because I didn't know he needed it! To add, he was only cooking for himself and not me or DD, and ne never cooks for me.

And he controls access to the TV remote and deliberately puts programmes on that OP doesn't like.

I know he's a monster before I need to go any further.