DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

Everyone in your family, except you, seems very high maintenance and self-centered. From nonbinary (that itself is the height of navel-gazing nonsense) to fights over shoes and baths. OP, you are paying for your family’s neuroticism to ruin your life. If you can set some boundaries, I’d recommend that. Tell them all to work out their issues without you being the middle person. Then, go lock the bathroom door and have a long, hot soak.

What practically would you all advise I do?

I was hoping things would get better once I retire.

You have got your head in the sand my love.

He's clearly a lot older than you (if he's already retired and you have another 5-10 years to work). Do you want to be his carer for the last 20 years of his life?

You were a lot younger then, on a much lower wage I presume, and with a small child. Completely different situation. You are not that person anymore, and he wasn’t (and still isn’t) your saviour. He’s been keeping you small. That’s your fear. His voice in your head, for years drip , drip , dripping poison.

I have about 10 more years to work, although I was hoping to go in about 5. I was hoping things would get better once I retire. I work from home a lot and he's always complaining I dont have time to clean up on those days.

If he's retired then how much of the cleaning does he do?

I bet it's none.

I’m team DD. She lives in the house too. He’s a controlling twat.

He is abusivd and i bet his abuse of your daughter has contributed to her poor mental health.
Call Womens aid and get organised.
Get legal advice and divorce this pig.
Your poor daughter has suffered enough.

@NewCyanFox Sounds like you are already supporting everyone just fine.

He's retired, so i assume he doesn't contribute much? .. it sounds like he's the type to say his money is his and yours is also his money, anyway.

He is abusivd and i bet his abuse of your daughter has contributed to her poor mental health.
Call Womens aid and get organised.
Get legal advice and divorce this pig.
Your poor daughter has suffered enough.

Has he always been like this?

We have shoes in the hall, that’s where many of them live

Don’t think you need your DD to tell him to divorce him, he sounds abusive

They are all adults. I agree with the poster who says to get your own apartment. It’s up to them to grow up and take care of themselves and you leaving them to it might be the spark they need. It could be the most loving thing you do.

Sounds like your DD,DS and DH all have mental health issues and thats tough to live with.
Sounds like your DH and DD both battling for supremacy .
Abbie needs to get her own home so she can leave her shoes were she pleases and be as untidy as she wants.
You need to decide wether your DH complaints about shoes in the hall,housework,gas/bath usage and general intolerance is a deal breaker in your marriage. What do you say when he complains about you having a bath?
Has he always been like this or is it a recent development?

I think my mental health would be shot if I had to live with this man.
i am sure your DD would come on in leaps and bounds in getting more confident without his presence and you would be happier as well.

Make sure you have copies of all your important paperwork.

Sit down somewhere and work out your finances so you know what you can and can't afford.

This doesn't work for everyone but it did for me - start keeping a diary of all the incidents. All the times you didn't read his mind about soy sauce. All the times he disregards the fact you share you home and he puts on the tv. All the times he expects you to clean up after him. It was something that kept me strong when my ex did something randomly nice and I wonder if maybe it wasn't so bad.

Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you and your DC.

Abusers often target single mothers because they thinks that the woman is so desperate for male company that she'd put up with any old shit. I would think this is what happened to you cyan. He targeted you and deliberately so.

He has indeed been keeping you small and dripping poison into your head all these years.

I would see if your workplace offer any legal advice re divorce and if they do not contact a local firm of Solicitors re this. Knowledge is power.

I'd have a chat with CAB or Turn2us.

I'd also make sure that you have photos of husbands income/investments/pensions

Once you've got a sense of finances and accommodation possibilities I'd chat to a solicitor

I'd then file for divorce

This man is controlling and abusive. His own child tried to end their life because they can’t talk to him. Get out while you can!

See a solicitor - don’t tell him but get some legal advice about where you stand financially and what things would look like if you were to divorce, bearing in mind that he is not likely to be co-operative. I think that advice would be helpful, even if you don’t act on it immediately.
Speak to Women’s Aid and make sure you have support regardless of whether and when you pursue a separation. They understand coercive control.

I suppose I hoped he might calm down and be less stressed.
You really need to take off those rose tinted sprcs

He is a very anxious person.
No he's not. He's a bully.

Thank you all for the practical suggestions. It feels cathartic to actually talk about this.

You check house prices in your area and see what yours would sell for and what else you could afford to buy or look into buying him out.

You book a meeting with a solicitor to see what’s what and how a split would go.

You get your hands on any financial documents, information about assets, pension.

You have an honest chat with your daughter , see if she wants to still live with you or strike out on her own. You said she works (does she also get any benefits like PIP?) , if she stays with you she’ll have to contribute some costs if you actually need her to.

You talk to your son, explain the situation. Can he get a part time job to support himself? Get a student loan? You’ll have a more accurate view of where your finances will be after seeing a solicitor.

You tell the abusive prick you’re done and want a divorce and then start the ball rolling. No need for a big chat, worst case scenario, text him. You’re done, tell him and mean it.

Isn't it wonderfully freeing to KNOW that you can dump the abuse? Such an amazingly powerful knowledge

We all have our shoes in the hall. That’s what happens when someone insists on a shoes-off household and you don’t have a shoe stand or cupboard. Does everyone else schlep their shoes to their bedroom?

Your DH sounds awful and rigid an upright and controlling. Don’t divorce him for your DD, do it for you.

I would enquire about how much you could afford on a mortgage alone and whether you could mortgage the house and pay it alone. Perhaps call your bank or a mortgage broker
Book a free 30min family solictor appointment if you like. No harm in it
Look through his and your finances and take some photos of his accounts and what not. How much he has in pension etc

Later try for a come to jesus chat where you tell him his controlling ways are ruining the lives of all of you and he isn't exactly very happy. He needs to gonto the GP and tell them he is anxious and controlling and needs antidepressants and referral to cbt
He needs to leave the house and go to men's sheds or part time work because you're sick of him in the house.

If he refuses or throws it back on you then write it all down in your phone notes and remember how little he is prioritising you and the family. Write all the other stuff down too
Did you not think of inheritance or assets when you got married as you both came into the relationship with children and existing assets? Any declarations of trusts or discussion on protecting assets? You need to find all that and take it to solictor

You'll be fine honestly you work and your dd is presumably claiming benefits so could contribute. Perhaps she could even look into getting a part time job even if it's factory work or what not
You'll all be so much calmer and more able to live freely even in a smaller house without him. He is a black cloud over you all
You don't need to worry about maintenance or custody agreement etc.. I think you will come out of it well.

You just need to be brave and think about how much better your life will be without him

It's that or exiling him to a shed in the bottom of the garden and totally ignoring him and his moods - telling him he absolutely cannot shout, stomp around and his opinions on your baths etc are going to be ignored. It will be a battle of wills at first but he may back down and just be silent and sulky. My friends DH is like this. He honestly gets totally ignored lol it's dysfunctional but him and my friend/wife don't seem to have pulled the trigger on splitting and she ignores him. Literally puts her hand up and says "stop" like a dog when he starts trying !

They have been through it all sleeping in separate bedrooms etc.

Seek legal advice on what you'd likely to get in a split and get a bank valuation on the house

Gather as much information as you can on the current financial status and also what you'd like the future to look like without him.

Disclose what's going on with someone you trust who would support you.

Don't speak to him about anything above.

If you reach a point when you are ready to go please ensure you are safe.