DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

We keep our shoes by the door rather than tread in dirt from outside through our home. DD and her family are the same.

Agree - except that I don’t think it’s bordering on abuse. I would say it is now fully in abusive territory. I think this is a LTB scenario.

So I just said to him that I was very unhappy and we needed to talk. He has refused. He said DD should do as she's told and that we dont appreciate him.

Your husband is a scum bag and your kids are afraid of him. LTB.

You don’t need to talk to him to divorce him.

OP's son isnt gay. He says he's something called "non binary".

Stunned by the volume of replies about the shoes - this man is emotionally abusive & controlling. He doesn’t like where shoes are so tells your daughter he wants nothing to do with her, he complains if you have a bath or don’t buy ingredients he hasn’t mentioned needing (to cook for himself not for you or anyone else in the house), his son can’t come out to him for fear of his reaction…people should stop replying with their views on shoes.
i also don’t think you’re stuck in the middle. I think he is trying to control & abuse you all & you’re trying to protect your children.
OP, you might have better support if you ask Mumsnet go move this to divorce/separation board.
I would call women’s aid for advice even if you’re not ready to think about any big moves. I am sure they’ll tell you this is abuse & helpf you disentangle minor issues (shoes!) from what is really going on.

I'm team DD.

And people who have said he does what he wants are right. He even controls access to the TV. He will out on programmes he knows I dont want to watch when I'm in the same room and then gets annoyed if I say I'm going elsewhere in the house.

This!

Any man who begrudged me a bath after a day at work would be under the patio..
Ltb and don't look back..

How do I ask mumsnet to do that? Ive been on here for years but this is my first post.

Your husband sounds like a bullying wanker with too much time on his hands.

I would throw her shoes at him, he sounds a complete knob.

And what about OP? Is she too naughty to have a bath or visitors round too? Should DS just lie his whole life about who he is because he just isn't the son his father deserves? Poor hubby. 🙄

Why is he the most important person ? He sounds awful. I think you and your children will be alot happier without him.

Place the DD issue to one side for a moment even though it’s hard, you say he’s retired and you are not? What is going to happen when you are? Are you prepared to spend day in day out with this man? Is this what you imagined retirement would be like- I don’t think so. Put a plan in place to leave while you are still working and have more means at your disposal.

I’ve changed my mind. He IS abusive.

20 years?????? you have put up with this shit for 20YEARS???????

Your husband sounds like a pathetic prick and I feel sorry for your grown up children who obviously hate him for good reason. Sorry to sound harsh but not letting you have a bath is reason alone to divorce the fucker. You get one precious life and so do your offspring.

Mate you need to divorce him for yourself, nevermind your daughter.

I would get rid of the horrible man regardless of what the daughter thought.

No chance would I be able to love someone that behaved like that towards my child, age and additional needs aside. Your children have to come first but that situation is awful for them and you- it’s a no brainer.

Surely you take shoes off when you enter the house, regardless of where you store them?

Well the shoes I don’t agree with her about but the rest… yes you should leave him.

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