DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

I’m team dd too
Maybe shoe storage is needed but what a horrible text for him to send. He sounds nasty, controlling, selfish and abusive

Have a bath when you want - how dare he moan!

Be honest OP - if you went on a first date with him today, would you want another or block him? I know what I’d do…

The more of your comments I read the more I don’t understand why you are with him?

Do you even like him? He sounds awful.

The ball is in your court OP. You either put up with being abused by him for the rest of your days or you make a new start for and with both of your DC by your side.

I have about 10 more years to work, although I was hoping to go in about 5. I was hoping things would get better once I retire. I work from home a lot and he's always complaining I dont have time to clean up on those days.

She's 27 if she doesn't like the way your house is run then she should move

The shoes are annoying but DH sounds an arsehole. I’n sure you will be much happier living on your own.

Yes, shoes do have a place. By the front door!!!

Just think how absolutely lovely it will be for you and your daughter to have your own little space to share, to talk openly about stuff and laugh, and have long baths and watch crap tv and have friends and your other child over to visit all the time!
Leave. The. Bastard.

Op doesn't like the way he runs the house either! Mainly cos he's a bully and a dick

Shocked by some early replies that are supporting Ops husband based on this line alone let alone anything else :

He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this.

That behaviour there is not the mark of a mature decent stepfather. He sounds emotionally immature and abusive. He does not treat you well either clearly OP.

OP please don’t sit on the fence, this man is completely wrong and is making you all feel uncomfortable in your own home.

I’d say get a shoe rack to put by the door for your daughter, but clearly this isn’t about shoes!

Not sure what your problem is deal with your daughter simple, ours aren't allowed to leave there stuff lying about all part of keeping a house together. Sounds like attitude needs a drastic check and that's why your dh is getting annoyed because your not doing anything. As for the gas that bit is slightly weird lol

I keep my shoes by the front door. I tidy them if people are coming around but otherwise they are there. All that aside your DH sounds like a twunt and I would be prioritising my DCs (yes even though they are adults) over this hot mess of a man.

So, the upside of retiring is that you will able to improve your housekeeper services? Not madly appealing 😀

Sometimes?

SOMETIMES?

WHAT THE ACTUAL?

Tell me you are utterly controlled by your husband without telling me you are utterly controlled by your husband

Are you a lost cause @NewCyanFox?

All of you are right, of course, but it is a scary step to take

How will it be better after you retire?? He will just expect you to be even more at his beck and call. It will be worse if anything.

You must have been treading on eggshells for years gradually putting up with more and more like the frog in the boiling water.

LTB now. Move out with your kids and then you can have a bath in peace, watch your own TV and decide where to put your shoes in your own house. Imagine the freedom.

Why would you at all think that things would get better once you retire?. Short answer is that they will not, you will regret retiring (what would you be retiring to at home) and you will be in his cross hairs all day long. He still will not cook for you and he will still moan about the gas being used for you to have a bath.

Once you retire he will continue to act like this the same as he ever was. He is not going to change. This is who he really is and he never had a hope in hell of maintaining any semblance of he being a nice guy.

Really? A man who said he wants nothing more to do with his step-daughter (who has a disability) over shoes. Who won't allow his wife a bath in peace. And is volatile and loses it over the smallest thing. Not for me. If he was my husband he'd have been divorced a long time ago and I'd live with shoes in the hall if it meant my daughter was happier. Sometimes I think i must be neurodivergent as this stuff seems so obvious to me.

Complaining every time your wife has a bath is only “slightly weird lol”? Fucking hell, how low are your standards?

As an older person, not that that is really important, you need to live alone and prioritise your DD. Children must come first in any relationship. Your DH sounds like he has his own mental health issues.

What could be MORE scary than living with an abuser?

Interesting use of the word "sometimes".

Why do you let your DH dictate to you?
If he complains about you having a bath tell him to get stuffed.
If he "goes ballistic" tell him he needs to take time out and calm down.

I think I agree with your daughter that he's not good for you. But you need to start making decisions FOR YOURSELF, not ricochet backwards and forwards between two other people.

I’m confused by a lot of the posts, of course shoes should be by the door, where else are they going to be?? Are people taking them off when they come in, carrying them to another part of the house, then carrying them back to the door when they want to put them on to go out? Or waking through the house with them on and traipsing dirt everywhere?
Anyway, your ‘D’H sounds dreadful and your daughter is right, you should divorce him.

I suppose I hoped he might calm down and be less stressed. He is a very anxious person.

Sunken costs fallacy is no reason to stay. Start seriously planning your exit now. You don’t need to tell him but start making plans. Everyone will be much happier. I can’t really think of any reason why you would stay given your kids are grown.