36 years and my husband left us for a 24 year old

[MydaughterandI]

I'm in pieces, I just don't want to carry on. Last week was supposed to be the nicest time for all of us, our 18 years old daughter starting university. Instead he left us without saying a word. we now know that he's been having an affair with a 24 year girl for the past year. He's 59 himself.
I just feel rubbish, humiliated. I'm missing him so much.
My daughter and I are missing eachother. But now are apart, until I sell this house.
What a mess. How can someone live their family like that?

Luckily I own the house, I just want to sell to relocate closer to my daughter, to support her

Your daughter is an adult, are you sure she wants her mother moving closer to her to ‘support her’, it sounds like you need support and are going to try and lean on her for it, When I was a student I would have hated it if my mother moved to be closer to me.

Change the locks and do not let him back. Good riddance.

Why is this your fault? It’s not it’s your dh who cheated on you your dd is upset which is understandable but she can’t blame you he obviously has bought this woman with holidays please don’t beat yourself up he’s the problem not you,

I'm so sorry. What an absolute idiot, he must realise she wont stay with him, what 29 year old wants a retired boyfriend?!!

My exH left me when he was 50 for someone who was 25 at the time. He knew her for a few months...He told me he thinks she was worth ruining our marriage for as he loved her (after knowing her for 3 months). His "relationship" with her after they moved in together lasted 2 weeks.

He wanted me back but seriously, that was laughable. We met when he was 37 and I was 23... I thought it was nothing to do with my age and he genuinely loved me. But no, it turns out he was massively turned on by the thought of shagging someone who was in their mid 20s. Just shown some men are real perverts.

Hold your head high and know that he's probably just made a huge mistake. He's 59 and she's 24? She might feel very differently about the age gap in 10 years time. And he will start to feel the pressure of not being able to keep up with her. You are in shock, understandably, but know that things will get better for you.

Bless you, I really wouldn't sell right now, I'd seek legal and financial advice as others have said. I wouldn't move areas while this is all still a shock, I think it would also be good for your daughter, mentally, to have the family home still there for the time being.
I'd advise revamping stuff at home, ie, new accessories, move furniture around - even get decorators in if you have the funds and put any of the stuff that belongs to knobhead - carefully - in boxes out of sight in a spare room or a garage.
Take care of yourself Xx

You poor thing. What a horrible thing he did. But it’s really just the rubbish taking itself out. I separated from my husband almost a year ago. It was so painful but I made a decision to get happy! For myself and for my children. I joined an online daily meditation group. I booked sessions with my therapist. I started to journal my feelings every day. I got out into nature for a walk after dinner every evening … just photographing the sunset helped. I spent time with friends. I cut my hair and stopped bleaching it. I redecorated my lounge. I booked a holiday with my sister and DDs. I made the most of every single day and focused on the positives of my life without him. A year on I feel like a different person. He’s ’moved on’, but I’ve truly moved forward. The younger woman will tire of him and he’ll release what e walked away from … make sure it’s too late OP.

But what they needed to know, so they could settle down and enjoy university, was that their mum was going to be ok.

@MydaughterandI
This. You can't lean on your DD or let her worry about it.
Keep telling her you are fine, you will be fine, it will take a while to sort things out but it will all be okay and you are doing fine.

Find someone else to lean on, or keep posting here over the next few months.

Take legal advice, and don't rush into things. Read the advice here carefully.

What an emotional buffoon. Let's take you out of the equation (and I have every empathy as I've been through similar); to do this just as your daughter is about to start Uni, is despicable. He could at least have waited until she had settled in. As for the 24yr old; I have no doubt, you will have the last laugh. I did. (May take years, but karma is your friend). In the meantime, get some medication from your GP to help you sleep/your emotions, and hold your head up high. I keep posting on here telling people in such awful situations, that I've been though this twice, (not such a young AP, but younger than me) and honestly, a few years down the line, another marriage and split (still amicable/friends/no divorce), and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I look back and think HOW, did I let a single other person, bring me down so much. It seems ridiculous as I'd never put up with any of either of their shit now. Was terrified it would affect my DC's education and emotional well-being; no need to have worried as they had me, to keep them stable, and albeit their dad is a complete cunt, (and I hate that word), he did provide for them financially, which is the only positive thing I can say to them about their dad. I did keep schtum about our split while they were growing up, but as young adults now, they know enough. Having to co-parent with someone you end up hating is hard, but one day, you just don't care any more about them. I still find it amusing that he had a mid life crisis, started taking drugs and wearing bucket hats like Liam Gallagher (first time round). Hilarious. What an utter tool. Good luck OP. You'll be ok. X

You don't understand it will be a marital asset he can claim 50% of

Which might be why he's left his job.

Sorry OP it sounds like he's been planning this for some time.

Please get cast iron legal and financial advice.

Worst advice don't do this. The house is half his

How come the house is in your name only?
That's a very odd thing for a couple your ages when you met at 19/21.

Why is it not jointly owned?

Oh my goodness, OP. How awful he has been to you. Please don’t feel humiliated; he is the one making a show of himself.

Can you take a couple of weeks break, maybe in a hotel near your daughter so you can support each other? Let the shock wear off. As other posters have said, now’s not the time to rush things. You own the house so you have many of the cards.

Possibly the OP owns the house because she inherited it for instance and he may have - unlikely perhaps - a pre-nip type arrangement that means it is just her asset…? I don’t know but I presume the OP knows enough to know he would otherwise have some entitlement to some of the marital assets otherwise.
Unless they aren’t married and OP just refers to him as a DH rather than DP.
I guess it’s not the main issue she’s thinking about- 2 weeks on from him walking out.
im sorry OP it’s a horrible shock but you can make a new life for yourself. Don’t think it’s the end of you enjoying close friendships or relationships or enjoying this time even if it takes a massive upheaval to get to peace and enjoying your life again.

Pre-nup! Not sure what a pre-nip is but it sounds rude!

Get the locks changed!

It is jointly owned. They’re married. Doesn’t matter whose name is on the house. She can’t sell it and keep all the money. It’s his too.

So sorry. I hope you are getting legal advice, especially about the house.

Your poor daughter too. Has she gone to uni?

What an old twat he is. I've been where you are along with loads of other posters on here who will have better advice than me. Please seek legal advice ASAP. The minute I recovered from the shock and got business like with ex he didn't like it. I was no longer the mousey character going along with what he wanted. Especially since he's up to all sorts with money obviously to impress OW. Look after yourself, take back control honestly he, ll hate it. FWIW my ex wanted to come back after a few weeks but I was having none of it. Best of luck moving forward, in a few months you wonted even think of him.

Me too

Brilliant, couldn’t agree more. Take back control

What a disgusting, selfish pervert.

My Dad did similar 2 years ago and I live abroad so it was really, really tough. It does get easier.

The biggest things for me (from daughter’s perspective) were knowing my Mum was ok. She obviously wasn’t at all, for quite a long time, but she did begin counselling and started antidepressants which really helped. She came out to me and we did a girls trip which was so good for both of us. We both really talked through our feelings and as we navigated the stages of grief. I was glad when my Mum hit anger actually as it was empowering for her.

The biggest thing my Mum did for me was she never forced me to sustain the relationship with my Dad and didn’t guilt trip me into one. It was all completely on my own agenda. I am no contact with my Dad and that is fully my choice. My mum supports me in that. Try to navigate support whilst not getting involved in their relationship if you can. If he tries to make you the go between absolutely don’t allow it.

Sending you strength. I promise it gets better, for your daughter and for you! He’s a callous bastard for doing this right as she has left home. If she needs to defer for a year it would be really understandable. I’m so sorry.

Don’t sell your house. Don’t move near your daughter. She might move in in a year or two and you will be in a strange city and know nobody.

Get therapy. Go to your GP next week and get some support . Don’t move!!!! Stay and face him down.