36 years and my husband left us for a 24 year old

[MydaughterandI]

I'm in pieces, I just don't want to carry on. Last week was supposed to be the nicest time for all of us, our 18 years old daughter starting university. Instead he left us without saying a word. we now know that he's been having an affair with a 24 year girl for the past year. He's 59 himself.
I just feel rubbish, humiliated. I'm missing him so much.
My daughter and I are missing eachother. But now are apart, until I sell this house.
What a mess. How can someone live their family like that?

The terms of my friends friends inheritance was that it was held in trust (or something, not sure of the details, ringfenced anyway) that meant that no matter who she married or lived with, ownership was hers alone. All he could try to claim was any increase on the value through work he had paid to have done, which he never did as he refused to contribute to anything that would increase the worth of something he didnt have a share in. I can see his point on that one, but it did come back to bite him later.

I can’t imagine what she sees in him, that’s really a massive age gap. And he is not even rich? Despite what ‘they’ say men do not improve with age.

Was your marriage bad for a long time before this ?

What answer? OP's husband is 59 and OP is 57 (she's told us they met when he was 21 and she was 19). They've been together 36 years (married for some or all of them) and OP must have been around 39 when she had her DD. What point are you making?

Do not sell your house. Please do not rush into a big decision like this while you are in shock. Don’t make a huge mistake, and don’t move near your daughter.

Ive accepted that I misread the op upthread

And some people can't read OP's posts where she clearly told us that when they met her "D"H was 21 and she was 19 - just a two year age difference. If he's 59 now, so OP is around 57.

There’s no fool like an old fool. It will end in tears, his tears , that’s for sure!

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

You need to consult a solicitor urgently. Despite the house being in your name, it is classed as an asset of the marriage to be split between you on divorce. If you sell the house and use the proceeds to move elsewhere, he will have a claim on your new property.

You’re in shock and need time to process and grieve for what was. BUT you will get through this and life WILL get better again. He will come crawling back weeping but with any luck you’ll have relocated and have a new life by then

He probably feels like he's won the lottery with such a young woman paying attention to him. It sounds like he had been planning to leave the moment your daughter reached adulthood and left home.

I'd be celebrating newly single life if I were you to be honest. Take up as much space in the bed as you want without worrying about getting whacked in the face in the night, decorate however you like, if you want to have some pet you don't need his approval. Get yourself some fwb's who are better looking than him, go along to social things in the community you'll soon make friends to fill the void

Mad, isn't it?! Can't believe how many PPs completely misunderstood this!

@Allthatshines1992 They've been together 36 years. OP says in a post they met when he was 21 and she was 19. I mean, can ppl not read all of the OPs posts before posting? Just click on "see all".

The girlfriend is going to bugger off as soon as she realises he has no house and no job and she's going to end up keeping him financially. When he turns up pathetically at your door, OP, pleeeeeease don't let him in.

He’s probably had it in his head that he’ll wait until your daughter is at uni then leave. That’s what they generally do. They’ve done their bit in raising kids once they get to that point (as far as they’re concerned)

twat. You’ll see him for what he is in time. Seriously.

What an awful thing to do. Not uncommon when a child leaves the nest for the husband to think it’s now an ok time to leave as the kids are grown up and gone.

You must be in bits. Selfish ,cheating bustard. And leaving just as your daughter is taking a big step forward in her new life. Ruining what should be a fun start at uni.
He isn't the man you thought he was. I hope your pain soon turns to anger and then contempt.
It won't last. She won't want to become his nurse eventually. She must be a selfish cruel person to start a relationship with a married man,old enough to be her father. It makes me wonder if your foolish husband is well off. If he is,he won't be such a goid catch after you divorce him.
You do not need to feel humiliated. It is all on him.
I hope you won't take too long to heal and move forward to a happier future .

yes, it’s common

my dad did it when I went to uni 30 years ago. The woman he went off with was mid 20s. He literally waited for the day I went to uni. I went quite far, so my mum retimed from about 8 hours of driving and moving in to that shit show.

I no longer speak to him. He’s an awful person.

Returned!

Please contact a separation lawyer asap.
It's a huge devastating shock but your husband has chosen his timing deliberately, this was likely planned. Unless you freeze your joint cash savings and investments asap he can and most likely will cash strap you until you agree to a unfair relationship property settlement. So as well as being devastated you will be cash strapped, poor and lonely. I know it's scary and its a huge struggle just to cope each day but you must financially protect yourself asap. I have friends who have had the same situation, the DHs planned the timing and had raided all the savings and transferred all funds to new accounts with a different bank in their own name where you will have no access to.
The young girlfriends do not love these older men they want their money! They will be falling all over them and massaging the man's ego constantly but also expecting money and expensive holidays and accommodation in return e.g wonderful home and lifestyle for themselves. Yes it will all fall apart in the end and the young girl will leave the old man after a few years when he has drained his financial resources but you don't want yours to be drained at the same time.
Please see a relationship/divorce lawyer asap to not only protect yourself but also your daughters interest.

Be careful, even if you legally own the house under your name unless the house is under a protected trust your DH will likely have legal rights to 50% of it upon divorce. Yes it's totally understandable at this early stage you still love him, I went thru a similar situation myself years ago except the girlfriend was not younger, initially I was heartbroken, loved him, thought he was my rock and just wanted everything to go back to normal and be as they were before, I thought i could never be happy without him. It wasn't until he started raiding the joint funds, forcing the sale of the family home and not emotionally or financially helping our children that I started to see the light and finally got angry. I also went to counselling who helped me see I can and will be happy on my own and he is not my rock, I can survive and flourish without him. You will be ok and will survive and be happy without him. You will never be able to trust him again. Please let us know how you feel in 6 months. Sorry even though it's horrible , you will have to see a solicitor asap, even if it is to only protect your daughters best interest and your ability to financially support her. The girlfriend will hang around until she has bleed all your husbands financial resources including 50% of your home, after that she will leave him. The girlfriend has likely already been in your home with him while you weren't there and knew it was worth a bit of $$, that's the only reason a young women is interested in an old man.

I'm so sorry. We don't just fall out of love - no matter what they do. It will take time. You're in shock. Focus and get angry now. Your opinion of and feelings for him will start to shift.

What an utter waste of DNA. Of course it won't last - she'll very shortly realise the grumpy grandad figure he'll become will be a millstone round her neck and a laughing stock to her friends.

Then he'll quite possibly come crawling and mewling back. Then if you forgive and accept, he'll have learned that he can do it - and be more likely to do it again.

Get legal advice tomorrow. The fact you own the house may be irrelevant as you're married - joint property is likely. But ensure half the savings etc are safely out of his - and her - grasp. That's probably what she's sniffing.

Do you have family, friends, colleagues you can call on for emotional support? If you have a line manager, can you confide in them? Don't try to navigate this alone, but be careful not to lean heavily on your daughter, especially at this transitional time in her life.

Look to the future and a new life ahead, not saddled with a deceitful man chasing girls his daughter's age.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband (together 36 years) cheated on me two years ago and these last two years have been awful so from my experience I recommend:-

get a therapist, and learn DBT skills to help you deal with the huge emotions you will have. Ask for mood stabilizers to help with the depression.

work on doing things for yourself. After decades being a wife you may have forgotten who you are or may want to find yourself and love yourself again. It’s hard to do and takes work.

if you manage those you can get through this day by day. I wish you didn’t have to though.

OP's home might be protected if it was bequeathed via a trust, but that depends on the type of trust, its purpose and when it was established. It would be the Family Court's decision, once the judge has looked at all the circumstances of any trust, whether it can be excluded as matrimonial property.
This is all moot, however, because beyond posting "Luckily I own the house" OP has given us no further details of the circumstances and has now disappeared from this thread. I just hope she's taken legal advice and is certain of her rights here or she could end up owing her "D"H a lot of money having already spent it on a new home.

She says the house is hers.