36 years and my husband left us for a 24 year old

[MydaughterandI]

I'm in pieces, I just don't want to carry on. Last week was supposed to be the nicest time for all of us, our 18 years old daughter starting university. Instead he left us without saying a word. we now know that he's been having an affair with a 24 year girl for the past year. He's 59 himself.
I just feel rubbish, humiliated. I'm missing him so much.
My daughter and I are missing eachother. But now are apart, until I sell this house.
What a mess. How can someone live their family like that?

It's a really awful situation for you and your daughter, and I hope you have some real life support. Best practical advice I can give you, is to get the best lawyer you can find. And follow it up with professional counselling, as it takes a lot of getting your head around, how someone who professed to love you could do this to you. If you want to
talk, please feel free to message me, you're not the first and won't be the last, scant comfort I know, but you are not alone.

You need to slow down op despite wanting to rush

I'm so sorry, OP. I am fairly certain he'll be back at some point, begging your forgiveness and coming up with all sorts of nonsense and fictitious scripts. I do hope you send him packing.

If you are married OP, this is unfortunately true.

Less than 2 weeks ago. He left in the summer for a few weeks, saying he felt stressed. He came back and 3 weeks later he left us again for good. We now know, that he went to Barcelona and Wales with his teacher girlfriend co-worker. Spending family funds, which I think should have been used to support our daughter at university. I'm the fool, my daughter is upset with me for believing his lies. I feel terrible. I should have been there more for our daughter, she's has been coping with this mess by herself.

This is lovely in so many ways.

I have a stonking age gap between DH and I (21 years). However I think I can predict with some confidence that your DH is making a complete dick of himself and it's not going to last. He will end up looking like the fool he clearly is.

It;s going to be rough, but you will be fine. I'm so sorry for all the hurt. xxx

I'd get some legal advice @MydaughterandI

The house is/will be part of the financial settlement made after / during divorce

If you sell the house the proceeds will be included in the financial settlement

Edit to say the above is true if you and the man in question are married

You’re married. The house is not yours. It is a marital asset. You can’t just sell it and keep the money. And if he doesn’t have a job now then he may get a bigger chunk than you.

This is difficult to follow. You're obviously under no obligation to post anything you don't wish to, but it's all a bit "vague book".

Have you had legal advice and do you realise (unless there's something unusual going on) you will have to give half the house sale proceedings to your ex husband? Why the hurry to sell?

You need legal advice on how to legally separate yourself from him immediately. If he’s racking up debt then it’s highly likely he will try to make that a marital debt during any financial discussions as you are still married.

I wouldn't sell your house until the finances are sorted for the divorce.

I'd rather have a house in my name alone if he's acknowledging the house is solely yours and waiving any claim to it then cash in the bank from the sale of it ... cash he might change his mind about and want 'his' share.

And don’t buy another property until you’re divorced as he would still have a claim on that if you buy it using cash from during the marriage (which you will be as you’re selling the marital home).

OP, have you taken legal advice on this? Even though only your name is on the Title Deeds, if you've been living in this property with your DH for the 36 years of your marriage, he will have a claim on it as it will be deemed to be "matrimonial property" in a divorce. He may have already registered his beneficial interest in the property with the Land Registry or applied for a Matrimonial Home Rights Notice. You might want to check this.
I did wonder how he could leave his job and start taking out loans and credit cards without any prospect of being able to service them unless he's expecting to get some equity from the house sale. He may have already taken legal advice himself.

@MydaughterandI I really hope your not married otherwise the house is not just yours unfortunately

Don't rush into anything. Take legal advice first, then talk to him no matter how painful that is. If you don't communicate directly with him the legal costs of communication through solicitors will rapidly escalate and you will end up with a very large legal bill.

Unless there's more to the situation than the OP has revealed, a property, regardless if joint names on the deeds/mortgage or not, is class as a 'joint asset' in a divorce. Even if you sell the house now, your husband will be entitled to 50% of the proceeds of the house (again unless there are mitigating circumstances). I definitely wouldn't be buying another property with the entire proceeds until the financial order has been done for the divorce. Otherwise, your husband will have an interest in your new property. You need to seek proper legal advice. It sounds as if your husband has been flashing the cash, if he's been taking this woman away. You need to make sure your husband hasn't secured any debts against the house.

@MydaughterandI you are NOT a fool! You made a commitment and you did your absolute best to keep to it. You loved him and did your very best to support him because that's what you do. Looking back he was obviously playing the field for some time and yes I felt like such a fool. But that was because I'd made vows and was keeping them. That makes me the better person.

Don't be too hasty putting the house on the market. If you can afford it, just hang fire for a while. This is your daughters home too, and maybe she values the idea of coming back to it, and you, more than you know. Selling and moving would be a huge upheaval for her too, even though she's not living in the property day to day. * also be aware that perhaps your daughter will need YOU less than you need HER right now! This is a big adventure for her and maybe the thought of having to look after mum too, and a new house, new area etc, might be a bit much for her right now? I am so sorry this has happened to you, and although you feel overwhelmed by it all, PLEASE REMEMBER YOUR WORTH.

I think it's quite clear.

The title of the thread refers to "husband".

What has also pushed you to move closer to your daughter’s uni. It’s just… she is growing up now and this is her time. Of course she’ll come and visit and you’ll see each other, but she needs space now to make her own uni life. She can’t be your crutch and you can’t impede her growing up and out into the world because you’re going through a divorce.

And then she’ll move on from uni and are you going to follow her again?

Take some time. Sort out the divorce. Get the financial split. Then make these decisions in a year or so.

It was totally obvious what it meant. She said '36 years' in the title. Not '36 years old' or 'I'm 36'.

She said in one of her later posts that she was 19 and he was 21 when they got together which would make her around 57 now if he’s 59

With the best will in the world, OP, now is not the time to be making big decisions and creating more upheaval in your lives. You and your daughter are both in shock and you're desperately trying to find some way to feel you're in control. But selling your house and buying another one in a new area "by Christmas" isn't likely to happen, but more importantly isn't right at this stage.

Yes, your daughter misses you (but she would anyway, first time living away from home). Speak every day if she needs, and perhaps plan to visit her, maybe every other weekend - and make sure she's in contact with the Uni welfare/pastoral services to have someone else to talk to when needed. If the thought of Christmas at home is too painful, decide with her now what you want to do instead and book it. A practical action that you're in charge of.

And for you - speaking as someone whose long-term relationship ended very suddenly and painfully - you won't understand for a long time (if ever) "why". You'll be reeling from thought to thought, panicking, anxious, overwhelmed. Take it slow step by slow step. Go away for a few days by yourself, if that appeals. If not, force yourself to do the small acts of self-care that will help you get through hour to hour, day to day. Plan a meal you're going to cook. Clean the bathroom (again) so as to focus on something else for a little while. Read (or watch) a favourite thing, and challenge yourself to focus on it for the duration. Cry when you need. Try to shut down the voice in your head that says "But what did I do?" Let those who need to know know, and if you need these people to fall apart on, do so. When you feel up to it, arrange to get financial and legal advice - for the time when finance/legals have to be sorted - which isn't now. Nothing is going to feel "right" for a long time. It will start to feel less wrong only gradually, so take everything very slowly.

Op I am sorry you are in this situation.

There are several books you may find helpful.

Love yourself like you life depends on it by Ravikant.

Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays

Cheating in a nutshell.

I recommend you read them in that order while doing the exercises in the first.

Betrayal can cause a form of ptsd and the Mays book explains how you may be feeling and why you are feeling that way.

None of this is your fault. You trusted and believe him, that’s shows you are very normal. If you feel shame - YouTube has Brene Brown’s Ted talk on shame.

All the best op.